Friday, September 30, 2011

A Letter To The Angels

Dear Angels,

I am going through a difficult moment that I really need help.  I feel like I am doing all that I need to do in order to change the situation that I am facing.  However, it seems that no matter what I do, nothing seems to change.  It is as if, things are caught in a continuous loop.
I really don't know where to turn and I don't even know for sure how to ask for what it is that I need.  All I know is that I really need help on this situation.  It is wearing down upon me hard and robbing precious strength from me.  It needs to end.  Most people would probably not have made it this far and some days it is all I can do to keep going.  It just needs to end!

So, please add this to my cry for help in this situation.  Help show me that I'm not alone as I feel in the moment, going through this situation.  Help me to know what it is that I need to do or how you are helping me.  Let me have no doubts as to the source of help or the answer to my prayers.  The only request I add is that I need something soon to happen as I am so weary of traveling through these rough waters.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Masculine, Feminine VS Gay And Straight

In the book, "Into The Light" by Dr. John Lerma, stories of hospice patients final days are recounted.  While I cannot substantiate any of these stories, I can neither disprove them.  I have read a considerable amount of Dr. Lerma's accounts of his patients just days before they pass on and I find them very credible.  It would seem odd that I would find a very good story and example about masculine, feminine and gay versus straight in a book about our final days and the life thereafter.

On page 56, this section is being shared from a fundamentalist preacher who was into the hell, fire and brimstone, rather than positive, uplifting and encouraging words one may desire to hear.  According to this person (which is known as Leon in the book), he felt the truth was the truth and it often hurts. 

As you read on in this section, he shares how his church was right in the middle of a gay community and how his ministry had been focused on telling gays (among others) that they were living a lifestyle that was against God.  We've all heard these things and in this day and age, it is not uncommon to be surrounded by this type of thinking. Politicians love to use this as a bargaining chip in getting people to vote for them which is unfortunate in my view.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Pulse Rate Healthy? Who Cares?

One of the things that I have learned as a result of my intense healing work with Dr. Canali is to monitor my pulse rate.  At one time, it consistently ran at 99 beats per minute or higher.  No matter what I did, my pulse rate was always high.  In fact, until I started this healing work, I was not even aware of it being high.

For me, I just went through life every day, not giving one ounce of thought to my pulse rate.  Even when I felt relaxed, I doubt my pulse was that low and I can see evidence of that by now monitoring my pulse rate.  What we think our pulse rate does and actually where it is at, are two different things most of the time.

Here is an article I wrote that was published on Street

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Unexplained Pain From Workout, Part 3

This is part 3 of a 3 part series.  Please read Part 2, first.

This time, my body was nearing exhaustion and so I found my comfortable floating raft and laid down on it in the water.  The movement of the water in the pool was relaxing and I allowed myself to just drift off and be there in the moment.  There was no hurry at this point and I knew that allowing myself to just rest was an important part of the process.

This may seem a little strange of an exercise and it may be difficult to do this at first.  However, by connecting with the emotion (saying the words), adding the movement (pushing the water in the pool), taking a breath of air and then releasing it all into the pool, you will be doing something that is a built in mechanism for our body.  There is no greater healing force and process than this if we allow ourself to travel here.  By screaming in the pool, you don’t have to worry about freaking your neighbors or family members out because they can’t hear you!

You might be amazed at just how much tension, stress and anger this moves from your body in a safe way.  Punching the water isn’t going to hurt your hand and neither is screaming into the water going to hurt anyone.  It is a very safe way to release anger and we all have to find those ways.  More importantly though, this connects the mind and body together with the emotions, movement and breath as you release.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Unexplained Pain From Workout, Part 2

This is part 2 of a 3 part series.  Please read Part 1 first.

Finally, I gave up and went to the pool to do some activities that would help let go of what was kicking up in me.  I knew there was plenty of anger there, if not just from this frustrating physical pain.  As I got into the pool, I began to think about all that was irritating the daylights out of me at this point in time.  It is not difficult to come up with a list right now as there is many stressors weighing on my life.

As I started this process, I just started saying the words out loud.  Since they are personal, I’ll not share them here but if you were doing this, you would just connect with your own list.  It could even be just one item on your list.  There is no right or wrong list, just what is impacting your life in this moment.  Through this part of the exercise, I take my hands and push the water around me in the pool as hard and forceful as I can.  To summarize, you are saying the words from your list and pushing the water at the same time.

At first, it was difficult for me to truly connect with this.  Even though I was alone, I found it difficult to let go and just connect with these words that were causing great frustration and anger in my life.  It took me a couple of times but once I finally connected to it, I think I could have moved all the water in the pool with one stroke of my arms.  When I finally got to the point that the anger and frustration were connecting with my movements and I was nearing the point where I could not physically continue this, I took a deep breath.  Next, I plunged my head down in the water and began screaming and pounding my fists against the water.  I did this until I had to come back up for air.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Unexplained Pain From Workout, Part 1

This is part 1 of a 3 part series.

Last night going to the fitness center, I really enjoyed the workout.  I finished it off with a soak in the hot tub that felt so relaxing.  Not long after I got home, I started to notice pain in my back and shoulders near my scapula.  It was strange because I really did not do any exercises for this part of my body.
I do know that you can kick up emotions, stress and other connections to the mind by events that seem to be unconnected in the moment.  From past experience, I figured that this was kicking up something in me, but I had no idea what it was.  It did not take long for the pain to become excruciating and for me to be to the point of tears and crying.  It was intense.
I laid down on my massage table and tried to just allow whatever it was to run its course and let go.  Putting the heating pad on my shoulder area for relief, I just attempted to be there in that moment.  The heat did feel good and I got my friend to just lay his hands on my back.  It was difficult to connect because the pain was overwhelming.  However, it started to lessen a little.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Abundance By Letting Go

There are so many preaching abundance every day and they hook you into believing that what they have to offer is the way to getting everything you want.  Of course, they feel that by charging you $99 or $999 is the way to make their "system" valuable.

Others like to come up with all kinds of rules that fit into a nicely packaged belief system where you have to tithe a set amount to begin the flow of "things (i.e. money) back into your life (see the book by Catherine Ponder - Open Your Mind To Prosperity).  Of course, that means you have to follow their set of beliefs and too many of them are rooted in religious views.  The book does have some great information in it as well as examples of life changing moments for people.  However, I feel there is more to it than just a belief system.

Some people feel that you have to wear certain colors or energetically connect with the universe to make abundance happen.  There are those that think you have to visualize abundance and that when you do, the "boat" will appear in the front yard.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Sodium Lauryl Sulfate

I felt it was necessary to address this issue since someone raised the issue in a comment on the blog post, Laundry Detergents - Clean House, Clean Planet (Feb 23, 2009).   There is controversy regarding the use of Sodium Lauryl Sulfate in Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds.  As with most things in "natural product commercialism", there is no clear cut determination as to who is right or wrong on this.

According to Dr. Bronner's Sal Suds, Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS): If improperly formulated, SLS can irritate skin, but our superb formula uses coco-betaine and lauryl glucoside to counter this.  To read the entire statement, click the following link,
Of course, if you do a quick google search, you will see some pretty scary stuff by the National Health Information Centre on the effects of Sodium Lauryl Sulfate (SLS).  A report is cited from the Journal Of The American College Of Toxicology in 1983 showing levels of .5% could cause irritation and levels over 10-30% caused skin corrosion and severe irritation.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Rocket Sound and Noise Reduction

When I watched the launch of the Nasa Grail Moon Mission on September 10, 2011, I was only about 5 miles from the actual launch site.  From what I understand, that was about as close as we could get that day.

One thing I noticed was that after liftoff, it took the sound several seconds to reach where we were at.  I think someone calculated that it took 25 seconds.  As I remember that moment, it was like a rush of loud sound that vibrated the ground, the air and each one of us.  You could feel it just as clearly as if you felt a raindrop. 

The other thing I noticed was that right after the sound, it was like there was a vacuum created with virtually no sound.  It was a peaceful sound and feeling.  However, this lasted almost long enough to realize it, but it vanished almost instantaneously. 

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Mindless Behavior Of Instant Society

We live in such an instant society these days. Between twitter, facebook, text messages and cell phones, a minute is a long time! News travels faster via social networking than it does by the old primitive methods of TV.  Our behavior has become mindless in society.

These days, it is so easy to take a video or picture, upload it and have millions throughout the world see it than it has ever been. By the time the 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock news comes on, a majority of people have already heard what is being transmitted.

I'm intrigued though how we as humans communicate in these instantaneous ways. Just today, I had an email from some stranger asking me why I had not contacted them back in regards to a link exchange. I was like, whoa....! Link exchange requests don't rank high on my to do list because most of the time they are from spammers. For someone to think that I was obligated to respond and do this link exchange within 6 days is jaw dropping to me!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Why The Charlie Sheen Roast Isn't Well Done!

Charlie Sheen Roast 9/19/11
on Comedy Central
I saw the headline of a Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen on TV (air date 9/19/11).  I’m going to classify this as ridiculous.  It is important to note that I don’t claim to be a fan and I don’t claim to not be a fan of Charlie Sheen.  I am aware of who he is, but to be honest, it makes no difference to me in life. 

The thing is, this roast and all roasts are ridiculous as far as I’m concerned!  What do these accomplish?  They make fun of the person and joke about them.  The roast leaves people laughing at others in a public way almost as if to humiliate them.  We in this world claim it is comedy and done in fun.  Of course to that, I say hogwash!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Try Not To Engage

More and more, I try not to engage with people when they are spewing vile on the internet.  At one time, I would have gotten in there and rumbled with the best of them.  However, I'm learning that there are far better ways to spend my time.

Most of the time, the people that spew vile are just trying to stoke the fire.  Wow, that almost rhymes!  They really don't want to move forward and they may be wrestling with some issue, but they try to take it out on innocent bystanders.

I saw this scenario play out the past two days in an online chat room of a site I am a member.  The person really didn't not want resolution as much as they thought they needed to air their problem in a place that was not appropriate.  I was trying to nicely ask them to move on because I was tired of seeing the vile repeated over and over.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Senses Blocked By Our Brain

Grain Moon Mission Launch
September 10, 2011
In a recent lecture, Dr. Neil Degrasse Tyson talked about how our brain sometimes blocks our senses. Senses can mean so much these days from the five main ones (touch, sight, smell, taste, hearing) to things that many new age people experience. However, what we actually pick up is filtered by our brain.

Take for example the account of someone committing a crime or even a vehicle accident. You can have five eye witnesses and more than likely you would have five different versions of what took place. Each one used their sense of sight and hearing to observe what was going on and I'm sure each person would claim that their version was 100% accurate. Yet, if you laid all of the versions out, it would create an endless scenario of variation.

So why is it that everyone would have a different version? After all, each person saw the same exact thing or heard the same sounds. There is the possibility that some of the observers may be lying or telling things that they think you want to hear, but I doubt that is all that is going on.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Nasa Tweetup Depression

Morning Sunrise Over
Grail Launch Pad
When I read the parts about how much a tweetup event at Nasa would change your life, I thought surely people were being a little too dramatic.  Surely there was no way the Nasa Tweetup could do that much.

When I arrived at the Nasa - Kennedy Space Center, I was feeling kind of low in life.  Too many issues were weighing hard on me from the monthly budget things to feeling like all these friends that I once had in life have vanished.  If these friends are there, than they are sure being silent and I'm tired of trying to email or contact them only for it to never be reciprocated.

Actually when I got chosen to be on the backup list for this event, I waited patiently and anxiously to get the call.  Finally a few days before, I got the email from Stephanie that I would get to go.  I was so happy.  About the same point, I exclaimed to my partner that I needed new friends!  Viola!  All of the sudden I had 150 new friends.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Mike Lew Upcoming Events 2011 to 2012

I'm very particular in who I publicize events for on this blog and usually they never ask me to do this.  However, there are some people who have had such a significant impact on me, that I publish the information in hopes that it will help others.  Please don't think that by doing this, I do this for everyone.  The criteria for doing so are quite involved and very personal.

So here is Mike Lew's upcoming events in 2011 and 2012.  Please feel free to share this especially with people who are male survivors of child sexual abuse.  Mike is the author of Victims No Longer and Leaping Upon The Mountains.  You may also want to check this video out (blog post November 26, 2010 - Don't Give Up)

List Of Events:

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 4

Note:  This is part 4 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 3, first.

In many ways, the shaking and trembling is healing to most but for me it is like being re-traumatized again.  It is a connection to the fear, rather than an empowerment from the fear.  It is a handshake with the unimaginable, rather than the hope of freedom. 

All my life, I have encountered situations that were more than most people could endure.  I’ve tried to fight the good fight but when you are up against overwhelming odds, the strength in you is like a ghost hiding in the dark.  I question how all of this will come together for me and I am at a moment currently where I am resting from all of it.  It became too difficult to continue and my body and mind just need rest. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 3

Note:  This is part 3 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 2, first.

As I write this, I feel the room becoming very warm, the fear rising up within me and it is extremely difficult to write these words.  The emotional charge that goes with them is very intense even after all these years.  It is time for a break.  I’ll be back soon.

For me though, the shaking and trembling seems to happen easily and like it is on cue from the conductor.  My body and mind check out easily though and by that I mean I can be physically present with all that is going on, experience the shaking and trembling and fear, but not be present in my mind.  I do this well and I have done this all my life.  It became my escape mechanism when the horrible trauma was taking place and it is now my coping mechanism.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 2

Note:  This is part 2 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 1, first.

It was not that long ago that I found a video on YouTube of someone who was suffering through a conversion disorder.  When I saw that video, I immediately began to cry.  I wasn’t crying for the girl in the video as much as I was crying for myself.  For this video instantly brought up within me, a connection to these horrendous moments of fear, I faced many years ago.  It was a connection to my body and mind of the trauma that I was dealing with from my past as well as these specific moments of early days of paralysis.

To this moment, I cannot even think about the video without tears welling up in my eyes.  It is such a strong connection for me because if you have been through this, you will understand completely.  There is no moment of peace for someone enduring this condition and there is no one that can tell you when these moments will stop.  You are sailing in a big vast ocean all alone on a small life raft and getting tossed and turned in every way possible.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 1

Note:  This is part 1 of a 4 part series.

Shake, rattle and roll is good if you’re on a dance floor, but when it is everyday life, you might have a different perspective.  Several years ago, I went through a horrible experience called a conversion disorder.  A conversion disorder is when you convert stress and/or trauma in your life into your mind and body.  Conversion disorders generally affect your movement or senses and can cause paralysis.

In the early stages of my experience, the doctors did not know what to do with me.  One thought it was Multiple Sclerosis and another doctor put me on some steroidal medication that caused some horrific reactions.  Others were so confused that they would order test after test, only to send me home as there were no conclusive results.  It didn’t matter that I could not take care of my basic needs or get around my apartment and function in a normal manner.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

We Give Ourself Freedom

Today marks the anniversary of the attacks on the World Trade Center and other locations.  That single day plunged our country into events that will take many years for history to evaluate and rationalize.  Our world has went through so much change during these years.

I still remember having the nightmares leading up to this day and seeing people fleeing a cloud of dust and a building falling.  Little did I realize that those repeated nightmares were a foretelling of an events to come.  It was not until I turned on the TV at the moment the first plane went into the World Trade Center, that I realized the connection with my nightmares.  Normally, I never turn on the TV at that time of day and it was almost like an automated moment within myself.

Since that time, we've learned to hate people who are different than us and so often, our country does not distinguish between people.  We have plunged countries into years of destruction and turmoil as a result.  It can be argued by opposing parties if these things are justified or not, and I'm not here to debate these points.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Forgiveness Is Not What I Was Taught

Through my searches on the internet, I found this great video about Forgiveness.  Forgiveness for me was taught in the Baptist Church but it was their view of it, not necessarily what forgiveness means.

It was used more as a weapon of control, after the monster beat my mom and whipped the daylights out of us.  It was used as a weapon of control as we sang praises in church while the monster sat close by after the night of showing God's love to us in our bedrooms.  I could go on of course, but hopefully you get the idea of how forgiveness was taught in our home.

I still remember one time in a church service after I was recovering from paralysis that they had me come to the front of the church.  They asked me to pray and forgive the monster.  At that time, I was not even sure what I was praying for.  I actually think that it meant more to the people who were praying over me than it did to my life.

Friday, September 9, 2011

News on my book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma

Some exciting news on my book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma

The "Look Inside The Book" feature is now enabled on my book in Amazon.  That means, if you were uncertain about what the book had in it, you can now go and read a few pages.  This will give you a better idea of what the book is about.  From those that have read the book, I continue to get great reviews and wonderful comments about how it has touched their life!  I hope you will take a moment and check it out.

At this moment, I have commissioned a service to take my book and put it into the Amazon Kindle format (ebook format) so that it will be available to a wide range of platforms.  I am expecting that to be completed in about a month.   Since I don't even own a Kindle, I'm not sure how this all works but I am learning quickly.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Nasa Tweetup for Grail Launch

I was selected to be one of the 150 participants for the Nasa Tweetup Event on September 7 and September 8, 2011.  While this blog post may be a little departure from my regular blog posts, I could not help but share it.  I'm so excited to be able to attend this event.

Stretching our imagination and knowledge is important to our human awareness and evolution.  In that respect, this post does apply to this blog.  I feel if we get too complacent in the world as we know it, we fail to evolve into all that we can be.  We limit ourselves and so this post will hopefully show a side of that evolution of awareness.

Please continue to check back on this post for updates.  As I take pictures and record my thoughts, I will be sharing and updating the information here.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Illusions Of Abundance, Part 2

This is part 2.  Please read part 1 from yesterday before reading this section.
Part 2

If you ask the person who has lost everything in life what truly matters, I doubt money will be on the top of the list.  Ask the person who lives in the forest and does not know modern conveniences exist, what truly matters, and I bet you will get a much different answer than someone living in mainstream society.  You see, we have truly lost sight of what matters in life and our warped view has muddied the waters of abundance and wealth.

While I know that we require money to function in society, it is my opinion that this is wealth, not abundance.  Abundance has more to do with the essentials of life that truly matter.  Of course, when you are truly abundant and in line with your role in the universe, then I believe wealth follows. 

I laugh when I hear people thinking that if they picture a boat in the front yard because they feel that is what they “NEED”, that it is going to show up.  Why on earth, would that happen?  What purpose would it serve?  I think to view the universe or the spiritual concepts of abundance as a catalog you can order from, is foolish and not very enlightened.

What matters in life is how we align our life with our purpose of being here and how we grow in our own awareness and evolve as humans.  It isn’t about how much money we can gain or how many followers we can obtain; it is about aligning and surrendering to our purpose in this world. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Illusions Of Abundance, Part 1

Part 1
Seek and ye shall find!  I remember hearing that repeated so many times growing up.  Often though, we fail to seek out that which we need for ourselves and we become attracted to the illusions of our day.

There are many out there pointing the way towards abundance and wealth while confusing these different concepts as the illusion of answers for our life.  We act as if these people have all the answers to our life.  We seek the answers, but we fail to find them because we are blinded by the illusion.

When life is tough and we are down and out on our luck like many people in our day, it is easy to see the pretty neon flashing lights of the wealth and abundance preachers, as the answers to our problems!  They give us pretty words to listen to or read on the internet and they make claims that sound almost believable, but in reality they are too good to be true!  We all know that there is no such thing as a free lunch, yet we park ourselves at the table waiting for the food!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Top Book Reviews Sep 2011

To learn more about what books I review, please go to the following post on Top Book Reviews (May 4, 2011). On the 5th of every month, my goal is to post a review of 1 or more books that have had a strong impact on my life.

Waking The Tiger by Peter Levine (Trauma Healing)

I would say that this book was very instrumental in my own healing and a beginning for me to really open up as to how trauma affects the body. This book really makes clear how trauma impacts us physically. Peter Levine relates how humans handle trauma to that of how animals deal with these same experiences. It will change your perspective on trauma and is a must read for anyone affected by trauma in their life.

We are all affected by trauma to some extent in our life.  It does not have to be just some horrific moment of child abuse we suffered through but can be an accumulation of stressful events in our life.  If we do not allow the stress to be discharged from our bodies, the stress will have a negative impact on our physical and mental body.  Over time, it will build up and cause problems for us that will be more difficult to resolve.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Sometimes Writing Is Difficult

Today, I sat down to write something that has been on my mind and it was far more difficult then I thought it would be.  In fact, I sitting in an air conditioned room and I'm sweating just from writing these words.  These words are very emotionally charged for me and they represent so much more than a few letters strung together.

I still need to edit all of it and most likely it will be a three part series because there is way too much to post for one day.  However, I'm going to go give myself a rest now and not pick this writing back up until tomorrow.

So, be on the lookout in the next few days as I'll try to finish it and post it to this blog.  The subject and context is in relation to my experiences with a conversion disorder and attempting to heal from these things.

For now, I'm exhausted from writing.  I'll now go take a nap and a rest.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

My Shoulder Hurts

One of my recurrent body pains is showing up again.  It would be easy for me to proclaim that the reason is a result from going to the fitness center.  As believeable as I could make that story out to be, I know it would be innacurate to some degree.

Yes, I do have a physical limitation in my shoulder that I am sure would show up on xrays and tests as being a shoulder impingement.  Unfortunately, that would be too easy of an explanation as well and if I got lost in that scenario, I would not be furthering my healing along from the pain.

You see, the pain isn't there 100% of the time.  Working out at the gym after a period of inactivity can sometimes inflame the situation.  Clicking a mouse all day long on my computer can also affect my hand, shoulder and neck.  However, I know that I can go for many days or weeks or months and experience no pain.

Friday, September 2, 2011

My Enteric Brain Journey, Intro

Enteric Brain
My intent is to begin a series from journal entries that I recorded when I was going through some intense healing therapy with Dr. Paul Canali.  When I first was acquainted withe work he does, it was referred to as therapy involving the Enteric Brain.

The enteric brain is the name of an energetic physical structure located within your gut or abdominal area. It is made up of a mesh of nerves, fascia, muscles, organs and various physical structures.  It is hard to identify this physical structure anatomically speaking but we all know that it exists within us.  Have you ever said, "that was my gut decision?"  If you have, than you know exactly what I'm referring to in this post.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Creativity Keeps Me Going

Painted Kitties by Jeff and Don
I'm kind of like John Boy from the Waltons when it comes to creativity.  John Boy also stated that if he didn't write things down, all the stuff would get jumbled in his head and he wouldn't be able to function.  For me, if I don't find creative outlets for myself, then I get extremely bored and agitated. 

Most of the time, I doubt anyone would care what I create.  Maybe they would but I have no idea.  I still remember as a small child always "making things" for my family members.  They often would laugh at me, sometimes behind my back and sometimes in front of my face.  For some reason, I would still make them things.  Yes, they were simple things but were always made from the heart with love. (not that my family understood what love meant).


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