The Energy Of Words

When I read things that are written or hear words that are spoken, I pick up so much more than what is said.  I read between the lines.  The energy of the words come through so loudly and clearly to me.  It is so vivid to me.

I see people write words that they think are helpful, but when I feel them, they are anything but that.  Sometimes they are so energetically misaligned that it is all I can do to push back against them.  Sometimes they are so repulsive energetically that I have to discard them completely.

People mean well and they think they are writing something good, but all too often the ego is the one doing the writing.  All too often, the fears are portraying that they know more than they do.  All too often, the words don't come from a place of connection and grounding in the individual.

Much More Than We See

Let's say you've lived in a world where you never saw a tree.  Maybe you were stuck inside and couldn't go out or look out a window.  Maybe you just lived on a remote island that had no trees.  Now, let's take for a moment that someone comes along and starts talking about trees.

Of course, at first you think, what is this person talking about.  What is a tree?  You have no room to understand that or comprehend what a tree is.  You don't even know what color a tree is or the shape it comes in or the height.  You don't even know what the purpose of a tree is or how beautiful it can be.  It is totally a foreign concept to you.  It is totally beyond your level of comprehension and awareness. 

Now, lets begin to go through the process that happens in the lives of many people.  You begin to learn and grow.  Your awareness increases and your knowledge grows in leaps and bounds.  You start to discover things that had no consciousness to you.  Things that were once not even seen or understood all of the sudden come into view.

These Lands

The past few days I have gotten to see parts of this country that I've never seen before. It has been a beauty that seems so surreal. Even though there is much dry and arid conditions, there is so much life and wonder.

I'm amazed at how things grow in the universe around me.  It fascinates me and captivates me. The bright and beautiful flowers which are sprinkled around to show contrast or the rabbits and deer and lizards that go roaming, are so perfectly placed in their surroundings.

I always thought that the desert was nothing but dry, brown sand.  I never realized just how much "life" there was out there.  I never realized just how much beauty and color existed.  The blue skies seemed more blue than I had ever seen and the wispy clouds just added to the depth and dimension of the entire area.

Grounded And Recharged at Desert Botanical Gardens

Today, I saw beauty.  Today, I spent several hours in the hot sun at the Desert Botanical Gardens in Phoenix, Arizona.   Just as many others said, "this place does not disappoint".  I had just been to the Botanical Gardens in Miami a few months ago and while the vegetation is different in the Desert one, both places offer an unique perspective on the world in which we live.

I love the variation and mixture of plants and animals as well as the variation from one geographic location to another.  When you stop and think about how many species of creatures and plants inhabit this world, it is mind blowing.  I've only seen a small subset of the entire population.

Walking through this area, it felt so good to be out in nature.  The stress load has been high lately and I needed to find grounding in life and just needed to re-energize my batteries.  It is moments like this that help keep me sane in amongst a stressful and hectic pace.

Missing Them

I'm sitting on this plane as I'm traveling back home.  My heart is heavy missing someone that meant so much.  I've lost too many people I know lately and it sucks.  There is no easy way to deal with it.  It just sucks.

I know that if they didn't mean much to me, I would probably not miss them so much.  I know that if they had not impacted my life in the way that they did, it probably would matter as much to me that they are gone.

Yet I fully understand that as people like these come into your life, there is a role and a connection that you share.  It isn't just a coincidence.  

I find myself missing them at moments and I wish I could just call them up on the phone.  There have been many moments where I wanted to call them up and talk to them.  It is then that I realize how much I miss them. 

Hiding Things From Our Mind

To know yourself is the greatest gift you can receive.  Yet, all too often, many of us do not really get to know ourselves.  If you crawl into the back corners of your mind and dig into the closets of your life, sometimes there are things that are ugly and scary.

If you look at it like many in my family do, you would say that sometimes we all have skeletons in our closets.  You might also go looking at it like some in my family, that sometimes it is best to leave things untouched.

In many ways, we use our mind to discover new things about ourselves, but we also use it to hide so much from our consciousness.  We don't truly know that which we hide from ourselves because we spend too much time running and hiding and numbing from it.  Its easy to just ignore it and go on in life singing lullabies to the world.

Losing Your Body By Numbing Out

For anyone who has been through trauma, you fully understand how your body is not your friend after these experiences.  Losing your body is so common among sexual abuse survivors because when you go through these experiences, it is a means of survival.

Consider for a moment that if you are experiencing sexual abuse where someone overpowers you and not only is the pain great, but the humiliation and shame are beyond comprehension, the only way to survive is by shutting down.  It is a means to survive.  It is a means to get through the experience because of the overwhelming nature of what is going on.

For a long time, I did not even realize how much I had shut my body down.  It took me going through a Conversion Disorder and being paralyzed to begin understanding this.  Even in the depths of the Conversion Disorder, I could not feel a needle being applied to the bottom of my feet.  I could not feel the pain in my back and neck.  I could not feel much.

Death And Renewal Of Easter

Easter is a time frame on our calendar that marks a moment of rebirth.  It is a cultural and society moment that marks death and renewal.  Many different people celebrate this time in one form or another throughout the world.

In my view, it signifies a time of letting go of what is and embracing a renewal and rebirth.  It is a time of looking from the past and looking towards the future.  The concept can be applied many ways in life depend upon your own set of beliefs.

For me, I know that in order to find myself, I had to let my old self die.  I had to let go of who I was in order to find renewal and rebirth.  This meant going in and doing some very difficult work to let go of all the horrors and experiences I had faced in life.  I had to let myself die, in order to find myself.

Unfortunately, there are far too many that are okay with the norms in their life that they fail to go in and truly find their true essence.  Some will start this path and when the extreme difficult moments hit, they run for cover and never finish.  Its part of being human and sometimes in this lifetime, it can be far too difficult to cross these hurdles of growth and awareness.

When A Cat Peers Into Your Heart

When a cat peers into your heart, it is then that you experience a great moment of love in this world.  Those eyes that look deep into your soul and feel all that you are, show you much more than sometimes your day offers.

When a cat peers into your heart, it is then that you see the full breadth of all that is possible.  For the purrs of a cat's heart resonate deep within as they lift you up to moments that can be.  It is in that moment, where the sounds vibrate your heart with joy.

When a cat peers into your heart, it is then that your own humanity becomes alive as it connects to something outside of your own realm.  It is then that those eyes and that purr and the loving rubs, shower you with blessings in that moment.

When a cat peers into your heart, it is then that your own ills of the day become less and your mind is offered a piece of tranquility.  It is then that the love given to you by a cat transcends you up to higher planes and into a greater peace.

Saying Goodbye

Randee with the family (and Jackson)

Today we heard the news.  Jeff's sister had been battling cancer and unfortunately the days of beating the odds had come to an end.  It wasn't unexpected, but never easy.  The struggling for her has come to an end, but missing her has just begun.

Randee was one of those people that just accepted me.  At a time when I was trying to accept myself, she just looked at me as one of the family.  Even in the times when my own family treats me like shit, Randee always cared and was always there and it was special.

She was like a sister, a best friend, a champion and warrior.  She didn't put me down or make me think that I was less than.  She didn't expect me to be something I wasn't, but helped encourage me to be all that I could.  She was more true family to me than my own biological family.  She loved the fact that I looked out for her brother.  She knew I truly loved her brother and she wanted nothing but the best for him.

Birthday and Christmas would come along and she always remembered.  I'll cherish the things she gave me for my last birthday when the chemo was already taking its toll on me.  Even though she felt like crap, she still wanted to celebrate and make the day special.

Learning Its Not My Job

For a long time, I thought I had to do everything.  I thought I had to be the one with the answers, the solutions, the steps and process.  I didn't see others rising to that occasion, so I made sure I filled the void.  Maybe my ego was too great or maybe it was a survival technique I learned from years past.

Learning it is not my job is one of the most exhilarating feelings of freedom I've experienced lately.  Sure, there are things that need to get done in my job, but I realize I can't do it all.  I realize that if I sometimes step back and allow the other individuals to take that role, its much more healthy for me.

I still have those inclinations to step in and do it all because I can, but when I do that, I exhaust myself.  I wear myself down.  I lose sense of my ability to balance life.

Panic And Rage

That moment that happens in your day.  That second when you go from complete stillness to all our panic and rage.  That moment where you feel that you are losing control and you become so angry with yourself that you can't modulate life better.

If that describes you in any way, just know that you're not alone.  I've worked for years on this issue and while I've made progress, there are still moments that panic and rage happen before I can even think about what is happening.  Some moments in life are worse than others and some are better than others.

There are certain triggers like the thumping of a bass sound from a car stereo that will drive me absolutely crazy.  There are triggers like being in a store with the isles having several people or shopping carts in them leaving me feeling trapped.

On Guard

To be or not to be I say!  What do you mean?  To be on guard is the body's natural state.  I was reading about this in the book The Body Keeps The Score by Dr. Bessel van der Kolk.  It is an interesting concept because I know I've had to struggle with the amped up version of being on guard in my own life.

According to this book, our natural state in mammals is to be somewhat on guard.  While this is good if you're walking through the tall grass or the jungles, it makes for difficult intimate relationships.  It keeps us shut down or immobilized.  It keeps us distant and not as connected with other humans.  As Dr Van Der Kolk says, "in order to play, mate, and nurture our young, the brain needs to turn off its natural vigilance."

While this all sounds fine and dandy, many traumatized people are so hypervigilant that they cannot enjoy the ordinary pleasures in the day.  Yes, they are in relationships, but without overstimulation, it becomes a mundane and routine relationship with only part of the feelings and emotions that one could potentially experience.