The Flashbacks Wipe Me Out

I've come a long way in my healing.  I've leaped over mountains.  I've not only survived what was done to me, but I have thrived and I'm conquering new worlds.  Yet, the flashbacks come up every now and then and wipe me out.

The feelings are the first to show up for the flashbacks.  Then it progresses to the hint of the images.  Next the images start to take a shape, and a larger view of what they are follows.

The night time becomes an exercise to convince my eyes that it is okay to close them for a few hours.  I try to coax my brain into turning off long enough to get some rest.  It becomes a tug-of-war, and who wins is anyone's guess.  The winner result will be known when the sun comes up.

As the images, thoughts, feelings, and sensations come on, my mind works feverishly to hide from them.  In this stage, I despise them.  I hate them.  I abhor them.  How dare they sneak into my conscious thought!  How dare they!

At times, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, not sure what to think or what I'm seeing.  At times, I just sit there bewildered and caught off guard as if my thoughts are a million light years away.

My mind tries to rationalize the flashbacks as if there was some way to make sense of them.  There is no way these images are real, I scream violently back to them.  There is no way this could have happened.  "Are you so stupid that you would think they would," I chastise myself.

Yet, myself laughs at the ridiculousness of my aversion to the flashbacks.  It knows more than I see and sees more than I know.  Yet I'm not about to give up the control.  I'm not about to hand over the keys to something I don't know exists.  No way - no how!

Then I read an article in the paper about some father sexually abusing and torturing his 7 year old daughter.  My eyes turn to rage.  I want to make that father suffer as much as he made his 7 year old daughter suffer.  For I know that this will forever change her and it will be something she has to deal with for the rest of her life.  I try to silence my rage and anger, for they will lead me down a path that will not be good.  I can only hope they lock him up for good, but I know all too well, that often the child abusers get very little punishment if at all.

The flashbacks don't stop.

The flashbacks continue.

At times, my body feels like a wrung-out wash cloth ready to be tossed into the garbage.

At times my body feels like an exhausted mess of muscles, tissues and cells all frustrated with another episode of flashbacks that I have to deal with in my life.

This is what my life becomes at times.  This is the horrible world of flashbacks that I live with from all the abuse and torture that was done to me as a kid.  I struggle to write those words because what child would even think a family member could do anything bad to them.  "How dare the child think this?" I scream at myself!  It is hard to accept.

The images aren't pretty.  It isn't only my mind that remembers.  It is the physical reactions I can see in my legs and across my skin.  It is the shivering one minute, followed by heat and sweating the next.  It is the rash that shows up.  It is the burning that I feel one minute, followed by nothing the next.

Some days I wonder if I've gone crazy.  Some days I am so tired of dealing with flashbacks that I despise the air I breathe.  Some days, I just don't feel strong enough to face them.

Yet, I know - that this too shall pass.  One of these days, things will calm down.  Yes, I know, I've got more to work through in my life and when I get through these things, there will be greater peace.

Today, that all seems like a dream.

Today, I will hold on to that dream.

Today, I feel wiped out.

(From my journal on 6/22/17)

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Panic And Rage

That moment that happens in your day.  That second when you go from complete stillness to all our panic and rage.  That moment where you feel that you are losing control and you become so angry with yourself that you can't modulate life better.

If that describes you in any way, just know that you're not alone.  I've worked for years on this issue and while I've made progress, there are still moments that panic and rage happen before I can even think about what is happening.  Some moments in life are worse than others and some are better than others.

There are certain triggers like the thumping of a bass sound from a car stereo that will drive me absolutely crazy.  There are triggers like being in a store with the isles having several people or shopping carts in them leaving me feeling trapped.

NO Place For Animal Abuse

One of the things I grew up with in my life as a kid was seeing just how animals were treated if they weren't 100% obedient.  Please note though that obedience may not mean what you think it was.  Of course, we as kids weren't treated any better.  Obedience meant you did whatever the "masters" wanted at any point in time, even if it meant one thing in one moment and something else in the next.

Time and time again I heard and witnessed the phrase "I'll Teach Them A Lesson" by members of my family.  In this post, I'm more speaking out for the animals.  If the dog or cats didn't do exactly what some member of the family thought they should do, they were disciplined and taught a lesson.

These lessons were taught in the way of the cats being hurled up into the air as they went sailing out the front door.  More severe lessons were taught by closing the cats in the basement door or drowning them in a river.    Of course there was the normal beatings that they would get in my house for just about anything.  A cat in my house didn't dare jump up on a table or counter.  That was like a major sin unto God.  Apparently God condoned this type of behavior in our house.

The dogs were not immune to the lessons either.  Shoes would be thrown at the dogs, or they would be held by the collar while they were beaten and kicked for whatever crime they committed.  Sometimes they would be locked up for a long time in the garage and tied to a chain to show them just who was boss.  Its important to note that we were not supposed to go out and see the dog until the imposed sentence was served.  I would sneak out and take the dog part of my meal and water.  Heck, the dogs would even be shot at as they ran down the road.  If all else failed, it was up to our father (the patriarch) of the family to have my younger brother go out and shoot his dog because he didn't like the dog.

Long After Traumatic Events

Long after the traumatic event is over, our bodies and minds live through the event on a continual basis, just as if it was happening again. In the presence of fear, the survival mode is alive and well, not letting go of those past events. For in survival mode, our bodies are trying to flee from the danger. The energy of that danger our bodies perceived is locked within, unless it finds a way to exit. And so it continues to look for a way to exit, day after day in various ways. Ways such as pain, stiffness, anger, rage, abuse, drinking, sexual behaviors, sleep problems, weight issues, mental illness, anxiety attacks and the list could go on and on.

If we do not allow the event to fully complete and release the energy that is locked within, it will find a way out in one form or another. Sometimes it lies in wait until some unrelated moment pushes the button and at that moment, what seems like an imaginary force takes place within us.

While this may sound dismal and horrific to endure, there is a way out. With the presence of a compassionate, grounded individual, we can move past the fear of those events into fulfillment and purpose for our lives. Sometimes the process may unfold slowly and sometimes more quickly. Sometimes the process seems as if we are giving birth but just like in the process of birth, something beautiful is created. And it is in that moment of release, where we give rise to a new self, a new body and a new empowerment within ourselves.

It is moving past the fears from the survival mode into the mode of growth, awareness and empowerment that we truly find out what it means to be human.

My Enteric Brain Journey, Sep 1, 2004

Here is an account of a session with Dr. Canali in 2004. My reason for sharing this from my journal are to help bring about awareness to all that is possible through this simple but deep form of healing. Please keep checking back for future postings from my journal.
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August 28, 2004
I was feeling pretty good since the last session with Dr. Canali. In fact doing the computer job this last week, I was much calmer in working with the computers and I felt much surer of myself when meeting new people. However today I started feeling the anger again and like I was in a place like a couple of weeks ago. This place was full of anger and sort of like I didn’t know where I was or who I was. It was just like I was spinning out in outer space somewhere. When I got my haircut, she washed my hair and I am not sure if that is what changed things or not, but I seemed to calm down after that. I know I have a lot of anger within me and I hope that one day very soon it will be gone.


September 1, 2004 – Session With Dr Canali
Whew... what a night, I'm exhausted! I told Dr. Canali that some days I feel at peace and then other days I feel like tornadoes are going off inside of me - rage, frustration, sucking the air out of me. Not fun when it bounces back and forth between these things. He adjusted my neck because after I fell the other day, I think I sort of put it out of place. It does feel better. I had a lot of shaking in my legs and it was like my legs locked on me and wouldn't move (just like when I got paralyzed and it was scary to me). Dr. Canali says that what I am experiencing is part of the process and I will trust him for now but it ain't easy! I wish I could go more often because it might help. Of course he told me today that I needed to use the ball more because my gut was a bunch of knots and couldn't take much work at all.