I Won't Back Down

Written by Don Shetterly

I learned recently that Tom Petty passed away.  I did not know his music for a long time, but when I found it, it meant the world to me.  During that particular period in my life, it spoke to me like very little music did.

One of his songs that is an inspirational help to me is "I Won't Back Down."  When I first heard this song, I was going through horrible moments in my life.  I was just coming to terms with the abuse I had gone through.  It felt like everything was against me, including my family and life itself.

The lyrics state "you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down," and that's exactly what it felt like to me.  It was hell in my life healing and coming to terms with what had been done to me.  If you've been through childhood sexual abuse or torture, you most likely understand the things I am saying.

In another line, the song goes, "Well I know what's right, I got just one life.  In a world that keeps pushin' me around, but I'll stand my ground."  At that moment of my life, I felt like I was being pushed around, but I still knew what was right.

I had a CD of songs that I played which I called my empowerment songs and "I Won't Back Down" was one of them.  Whenever I felt like I wasn't making it or I needed a boost in life, I would play this CD.

Tom Petty's song helped me see that no matter what I've been through, I Won't Back Down.  He kept me going when sometimes that was a huge mountain to climb.

Healing from childhood sexual abuse and torture was and still is not easy at times.  It feels like pure hell.  Often it feels like you won't make it through all the pain or be able to stand when it is over.  That's where I believe what Tom Petty says, "You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I Won't Back Down."

I am sad to hear he passed away.  He will forever be missed in my heart and the hearts of many.  The world needs more people in it like him who see life for what it is, not what we're led to believe it is.

So even though Tom Petty is no longer with us on this earth, I'll say, "You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down."  Oh no, I won't back down.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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The Flashbacks Wipe Me Out

I've come a long way in my healing.  I've leaped over mountains.  I've not only survived what was done to me, but I have thrived and I'm conquering new worlds.  Yet, the flashbacks come up every now and then and wipe me out.

The feelings are the first to show up for the flashbacks.  Then it progresses to the hint of the images.  Next the images start to take a shape, and a larger view of what they are follows.

The night time becomes an exercise to convince my eyes that it is okay to close them for a few hours.  I try to coax my brain into turning off long enough to get some rest.  It becomes a tug-of-war, and who wins is anyone's guess.  The winner result will be known when the sun comes up.

As the images, thoughts, feelings, and sensations come on, my mind works feverishly to hide from them.  In this stage, I despise them.  I hate them.  I abhor them.  How dare they sneak into my conscious thought!  How dare they!

At times, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, not sure what to think or what I'm seeing.  At times, I just sit there bewildered and caught off guard as if my thoughts are a million light years away.

My mind tries to rationalize the flashbacks as if there was some way to make sense of them.  There is no way these images are real, I scream violently back to them.  There is no way this could have happened.  "Are you so stupid that you would think they would," I chastise myself.

Yet, myself laughs at the ridiculousness of my aversion to the flashbacks.  It knows more than I see and sees more than I know.  Yet I'm not about to give up the control.  I'm not about to hand over the keys to something I don't know exists.  No way - no how!

Then I read an article in the paper about some father sexually abusing and torturing his 7 year old daughter.  My eyes turn to rage.  I want to make that father suffer as much as he made his 7 year old daughter suffer.  For I know that this will forever change her and it will be something she has to deal with for the rest of her life.  I try to silence my rage and anger, for they will lead me down a path that will not be good.  I can only hope they lock him up for good, but I know all too well, that often the child abusers get very little punishment if at all.

The flashbacks don't stop.

The flashbacks continue.

At times, my body feels like a wrung-out wash cloth ready to be tossed into the garbage.

At times my body feels like an exhausted mess of muscles, tissues and cells all frustrated with another episode of flashbacks that I have to deal with in my life.

This is what my life becomes at times.  This is the horrible world of flashbacks that I live with from all the abuse and torture that was done to me as a kid.  I struggle to write those words because what child would even think a family member could do anything bad to them.  "How dare the child think this?" I scream at myself!  It is hard to accept.

The images aren't pretty.  It isn't only my mind that remembers.  It is the physical reactions I can see in my legs and across my skin.  It is the shivering one minute, followed by heat and sweating the next.  It is the rash that shows up.  It is the burning that I feel one minute, followed by nothing the next.

Some days I wonder if I've gone crazy.  Some days I am so tired of dealing with flashbacks that I despise the air I breathe.  Some days, I just don't feel strong enough to face them.

Yet, I know - that this too shall pass.  One of these days, things will calm down.  Yes, I know, I've got more to work through in my life and when I get through these things, there will be greater peace.

Today, that all seems like a dream.

Today, I will hold on to that dream.

Today, I feel wiped out.

(From my journal on 6/22/17)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Aftermath Of Flashback Memories

I have been struggling lately.  When those flashback memories surface, it is all I can do to hang on.  The aftermath of these can make life pretty rough and some days, it gets rougher than I can even imagine.

Flashback memories are not fun.  If you've been through traumatic experiences, war, torture or child sexual abuse, you know full well just how tough this can get.  They will about take you under and leave you huddle in a corner begging for mercy.

I've been through more than my share of trauma and child abuse and torture in life.  I'm not sure how I survived.  Most days I do pretty well as I've spent considerable work to try and heal my life from all that I endured.  Most days go by and I'm fine, but lately it has been anything but normal.

Last week, I finally sat down and tried to write about what was going on.  My intent was to publish it, but at this moment, I cannot bring myself to do it.  In fact, I had not read what I had written until yesterday and it was too much. It was too intense.  It about took me under.

I could feel the anger...

I could feel the anger and heat and anxiety rise within me.  I could feel the shame and despair.  I was angry, but hurt.  I wanted to cry, but felt too weak.  I finally shared it with someone I trust but even that was almost too much.

For now, it is shelved and filed.  I'm not sure I want anyone to read it at this moment.  I feel horrified and embarrassed at something that happened to me a long time ago.  For now, it will remain hidden.  I just can't bring myself to share it with anyone.

Struggled with pain in my back...

This morning and last night, I struggled with pain in my upper back, shoulder and neck.  I felt it and I know its connected to what I wrote.  It feels like a big keg of dynamite sitting in my shoulder, neck and arm full of emotional anger.  It feels like I could just break down and cry, but I can't.  It feels like I could punch my hand through someone, but I won't.  It's like dynamite, ready to explode.

Yes, I'll go get some healing bodywork done on me to release it, but right at this moment, the physical pain is intense.  I feel such a sadness to what I experience.  I feel like a thousand years of emotional pain is built up inside.

If this one area of my body could completely heal from all the physical flashback memories, life would be so much different.  Yet, it took me many years for this flashback memory to surface.  It is not an overnight - forgive and let go process like too many make it out to be.

My body has been through a lot.  How I've survived all these years, I'll never know.  I've made it and as one person told me, I turned out pretty good.  Not all have that same good fortune.  Some never make it.  Some get pulled under.

Flashback memories are hell to live through and they keep the suffering going for a long time after the event happened.  Thankfully, I've found someone and a form of bodywork called "Unified Therapy" with Dr. Paul Canali that has helped me find greater peace with my past and my body.  It is still an ongoing process and one that has gotten better.  Unfortunately in times like this, it tries to take me down.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Child Abuse Survivors and Dental Fear

I didn't realize how much of an issue this was for many folks out there until I wrote about it.  Yes, if you have read my earlier posts on my issues with the dentist, then you will know how much dental fear I have as a child abuse survivor.

It is not easy for those that have been through trauma and torture to deal with dental fear.  No matter what I do, its still not easy.  I avoid the dentist like a poison that is gushing out of the sink.  I don't want to be anywhere close to it.

Most dentists don't care from what I've found if you have dental fear and anxiety.  Many will say they do, but they think after the first visit, all that will gone.  It is frustrating beyond belief.  I have had only two dentists that I really trust and unfortunately I live too many miles from them to go back now.

I'll never forget the one dentist who treated me and then a follow up visit, acted as if there was something wrong with me because I still had dental fear and anxiety.  Another one proceeded to make me feel pretty bad for not taking care of my teeth.  Another wanted me to go to a teeth cleaning and I thought I had found a hygienist that I connected with and trusted.  Unfortunately, the person had to be out for the day and instead of the dentist office letting me know, they assumed that I would go to the next hygienist they had on staff.

When you've been beaten, held down into a bed where you couldn't breathe and had sexual things shoved into your mouth and raped, you don't trust anyone.  I could get more graphic if I thought that would wake some dentists up.  My body was tortured and the last thing I want to do is allow anyone to have control over me and inflict pain upon me.  My anxiety begins the minute I have to start thinking about seeing a dentist and doesn't stop until there are no more visits.

I am glad there is a site called DentalFear.com and that someone is addressing this issue, because it is a big issue for many people.  They have some great information on their site which I've actually used (long before I found their site) and it does help.  It doesn't completely take care of the dental fear and anxiety for me, but it helps.

For me, I always have someone I trust in the room with me.  I take my headphones with a playlist on my ipod and play it.  I close my eyes and ask that they put something over my eyes to shield me from the light because the light really bothers me.  I'm very sensitive to light.

It helps if the dentist is understanding and empathetic who listens and takes their time.  Just trying to see how fast you can go is not good for me, because I need a rest and a break.  I need to be coached to remember to breathe and breathe deeper and slowly, because I often forget that.  Fear and anxiety are not friends of proper breathing.

I know my dental health isn't good and it embarrasses me, but until I find the right dentist and then have the necessary income, there's not much I can do about that.  Maybe there is a dentist out there that would work with me, but after several, I've given up hope that I will find one.

I'll gladly help any dentist understand what it is for me to go through a visit to a dentist office.  I believe there are probably some things that could be done to help those of us who struggle to do this.  We may all have to think outside the box, but there is a significant population who are suffering and have no one to turn to for proper teeth care.  The dental fear and anxiety is just too great.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Body Healing and Movement

Body issues often arise from the moments of torture, abuse or other experiences we go through.  If we allow those to continue to take up residence within, then they are holding dominion over us.  They have robbed us of our power.

It is up to us to allow ourselves to free the trapped energy of these moments from our body.  Through a Unified Therapy healing session, I realized that the movements I was experiencing on the table were a direct result of what I had been through.  You can read more about this on Somatosync.com.