Flashback memories are not fun. If you've been through traumatic experiences, war, torture or child sexual abuse, you know full well just how tough this can get. They will about take you under and leave you huddle in a corner begging for mercy.
I've been through more than my share of trauma and child abuse and torture in life. I'm not sure how I survived. Most days I do pretty well as I've spent considerable work to try and heal my life from all that I endured. Most days go by and I'm fine, but lately it has been anything but normal.
Last week, I finally sat down and tried to write about what was going on. My intent was to publish it, but at this moment, I cannot bring myself to do it. In fact, I had not read what I had written until yesterday and it was too much. It was too intense. It about took me under.
I could feel the anger...
I could feel the anger and heat and anxiety rise within me. I could feel the shame and despair. I was angry, but hurt. I wanted to cry, but felt too weak. I finally shared it with someone I trust but even that was almost too much.
For now, it is shelved and filed. I'm not sure I want anyone to read it at this moment. I feel horrified and embarrassed at something that happened to me a long time ago. For now, it will remain hidden. I just can't bring myself to share it with anyone.
Struggled with pain in my back...
This morning and last night, I struggled with pain in my upper back, shoulder and neck. I felt it and I know its connected to what I wrote. It feels like a big keg of dynamite sitting in my shoulder, neck and arm full of emotional anger. It feels like I could just break down and cry, but I can't. It feels like I could punch my hand through someone, but I won't. It's like dynamite, ready to explode.
Yes, I'll go get some healing bodywork done on me to release it, but right at this moment, the physical pain is intense. I feel such a sadness to what I experience. I feel like a thousand years of emotional pain is built up inside.
If this one area of my body could completely heal from all the physical flashback memories, life would be so much different. Yet, it took me many years for this flashback memory to surface. It is not an overnight - forgive and let go process like too many make it out to be.
My body has been through a lot. How I've survived all these years, I'll never know. I've made it and as one person told me, I turned out pretty good. Not all have that same good fortune. Some never make it. Some get pulled under.
Flashback memories are hell to live through and they keep the suffering going for a long time after the event happened. Thankfully, I've found someone and a form of bodywork called "Unified Therapy" with Dr. Paul Canali that has helped me find greater peace with my past and my body. It is still an ongoing process and one that has gotten better. Unfortunately in times like this, it tries to take me down.
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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