The Aftermath Of Flashback Memories

I have been struggling lately.  When those flashback memories surface, it is all I can do to hang on.  The aftermath of these can make life pretty rough and some days, it gets rougher than I can even imagine.

Flashback memories are not fun.  If you've been through traumatic experiences, war, torture or child sexual abuse, you know full well just how tough this can get.  They will about take you under and leave you huddle in a corner begging for mercy.

I've been through more than my share of trauma and child abuse and torture in life.  I'm not sure how I survived.  Most days I do pretty well as I've spent considerable work to try and heal my life from all that I endured.  Most days go by and I'm fine, but lately it has been anything but normal.

Last week, I finally sat down and tried to write about what was going on.  My intent was to publish it, but at this moment, I cannot bring myself to do it.  In fact, I had not read what I had written until yesterday and it was too much. It was too intense.  It about took me under.

I could feel the anger...

I could feel the anger and heat and anxiety rise within me.  I could feel the shame and despair.  I was angry, but hurt.  I wanted to cry, but felt too weak.  I finally shared it with someone I trust but even that was almost too much.

For now, it is shelved and filed.  I'm not sure I want anyone to read it at this moment.  I feel horrified and embarrassed at something that happened to me a long time ago.  For now, it will remain hidden.  I just can't bring myself to share it with anyone.

Struggled with pain in my back...

This morning and last night, I struggled with pain in my upper back, shoulder and neck.  I felt it and I know its connected to what I wrote.  It feels like a big keg of dynamite sitting in my shoulder, neck and arm full of emotional anger.  It feels like I could just break down and cry, but I can't.  It feels like I could punch my hand through someone, but I won't.  It's like dynamite, ready to explode.

Yes, I'll go get some healing bodywork done on me to release it, but right at this moment, the physical pain is intense.  I feel such a sadness to what I experience.  I feel like a thousand years of emotional pain is built up inside.

If this one area of my body could completely heal from all the physical flashback memories, life would be so much different.  Yet, it took me many years for this flashback memory to surface.  It is not an overnight - forgive and let go process like too many make it out to be.

My body has been through a lot.  How I've survived all these years, I'll never know.  I've made it and as one person told me, I turned out pretty good.  Not all have that same good fortune.  Some never make it.  Some get pulled under.

Flashback memories are hell to live through and they keep the suffering going for a long time after the event happened.  Thankfully, I've found someone and a form of bodywork called "Unified Therapy" with Dr. Paul Canali that has helped me find greater peace with my past and my body.  It is still an ongoing process and one that has gotten better.  Unfortunately in times like this, it tries to take me down.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Hope For Haditha Children And The Trauma Breaking Point

Hope For Haditha Children
Song by Don Shetterly

Back in 2006 when I heard about the Haditha massacre, I wrote the article below. At the time I was horrified. Yes, I understand that sometimes in war, innocent people are killed. However, in this case, this was not an innocent event. From all accounts in the news, it was a deliberate act upon innocent people. If the war had not been going on and this happened in the US, the individual(s) would have been on trial for murder.

Out of this tragedy, I wrote a song called "Hope For Haditha Children". This song never really took off, but I still wrote it in memory of those children who faced the horrors of watching adults murdered before their eyes. While I can fully understand the trauma breaking point, especially in a time of war, I weep for those little children.

The Myth Of Christmas

Myth Of Christmas

Even though many people see Christmas as a magical season where family and friends unite, in all reality the stress of this time is far greater than anyone will admit.  We think of the Norman Rockwell setting and look forward to traveling home to be with our loved ones.  Yet, the struggle of the season is alive and well inside many people.

We spend countless hours in the stores trying to get the best bargains on all the presents we can buy.  We spend untold dollars to get those expensive electronic gadgets including the electronic games, iphones, ipods, ipads, androids, computers and everything else.  No dollar amount is too large and no difficulty too great as we attempt to brave the crowds, use our pepper spray, and trample others in the dash to get what is ours.  After all, we must have those gifts.

The news media comes along and fights over who is putting Christ in Christmas and who is not.  They declare a war on Christmas and vow that the a segment of our population is taking over the season and pushing us into the dark ages.  As this discussion continues, the same news media outlets pad their pockets with advertisement dollars promoting the commercialism of the season they so detest.   The viewers of said programs watch and gulp it all down as if nothing else matters.

Prayer: I Send Out Love

I send out love to those that upset me with their constant criticism of everything in this world.

I send out love to those who speak only to hear themselves make conversation and sounds.

I sent out love to those who only are able to see part of the big picture but in their mind, they see it all.

I send out love to those who feel that what they have to say is far more important than what someone else is saying.

I send out love to those who are lost in teachings that they regurgitate upon request.

I send out love to those who fear and cast out others who are different than themselves.

I send out love to those who follow blindly what is expected of them.

I send out love to those who choose to just exist in life while ignoring their true potential.

I send out love to those who feel they can control or manipulate others, regardless if it is an adult, a child or an animal.

I send out love to those who attack others for personal gain.

I send out love to those who have experienced deep pain in their lives.

I send out love to those who do not understand what it means to be loved or that it is possible to be loved.

I send out love to mother earth for being raped and abused by the inhabitants.

I send out love to all who have experienced the horrors or evils of life, at the hands of others.

I send out love to those who have been harmed by war as well as those who have inflicted war upon others.

I send out love to those whose only motivation in life is control, power and money.

I send out love to those who are weighed under by circumstances that seem to be holding them back and weighing them down.

I send out love to my own body, spirit and mind so that I am able to be there for others with purity, humbleness and strength.

I send out love to the hearts of all people who see more of the differences in others rather than the similarities.

I send out love to the world in hopes that through my actions, others will pass love along.

I send out love to all that is created each day knowing that hope and possibility exist in each of our moments.

As I think about sending out love, may I truly and fully love and accept myself. May I realize that love begins with what I hold in my heart. For if I don't fully understand how to love myself, it will be difficult to love all that is around me. Let love being with me.


(Above Picture taken in my backyard, FL - (c) 09/18/10)

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