Sunday, July 31, 2011

Feeling Unloved And Unwanted

Some days, I cry myself to sleep feeling so unloved and unwanted. My tears are silent tears that flow down my face. My heart breaks in two as I feel so far removed from everything and everyone in the world.

I'm writing this from the depths of my soul where it looks ugly and messy and confusing. I chose to write this instead of holding it in because I'm pretty certain I'm not alone in some of these thoughts. Yet, I fear that I will be judged for sharing these things.

There are reasons though that I feel this way and some of them are so deeply rooted in a life that is difficult at times to deal with.

From the moment I was born, I really wasn't wanted. Yes, my mom cared for me and loved me but it didn't seem like I fit in. My early days in the hospital were spent with the nurses taking care of me because my Dad had hepatitis and so my mom (from what I was told) had to make a choice to be around me or him. For some God forsaken reason, she chose him (well, I know why but don't wish to state that publicly).

So anyway, let's fast forward a few years. My older brother was always getting himself into situations where he demanded attention and my younger brother seemed to do enough to get the attention as well (he was the baby of the family after all). So here I come along and the only attention I really got was when I worked my butt off around the house/farm or when I was being abused. It should be noted that I was always told that because God loved me, my father was doing these things to me. Twisted, I know but unfortunately that's what my little mind was told.

I remember going to bed hungry so many nights early on in my life and sometimes wishing that I didn't have to endure the life I was born into. I remember sometimes going outside and finding boards or rocks or other objects and I would hit myself until it hurt so much that I would stop. All of it was because of what I was going through and because I felt unloved, unwanted, dirty and no good. Fortunately I was so afraid of blood from an early traumatic experience in my life because otherwise I would most likely have been cutting myself.

All my life I just never felt like anyone really loved me or wanted me. I felt alone and out of place in the world. In many ways, maybe I did live up to the nickname my family gave me at one point, - reject.

It's been hard even to this day because it is so difficult for me to know if someone truly loves me and wants me. I have such difficulty seeing it and telling it apart from those that just want to use me. Its a blurry line to me. Yet, I do know that I've got a couple of people in my life that really do care. However, these close people know that sometimes I fail to see this and it really wears thin on their patience with me.

In my life, I do see some people that just try to use me and some that for lack of communication, I'm not sure where I stand with them. Of course that feeds into my own self induced misery of feeling unloved and unwanted.

Much progress in my life has been made in healing these deep wounds but I would be lying if I said that there was no traces of these traumatic moments in my body and mind. I long for the day that I can say more progress has been made and I no longer question everyone and everything around me when it comes to feeling loved and wanted. It is my hope that I will continue to progress further in this area of my life. It is my hope!


Further Reading:
1) Hope And Possibility Through Trauma (Book By Don Shetterly)
2) Oprah - 200 Men on child abuse (Blog Post Oct 28, 2010)




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24 comments:

  1. I hear you and validate your pain. I am going through a very similar time, and it is really hard to explain the loneliness of disconnection to others which has been caused by abuse. I recently stumbled upon 'Schema Therapy' and I FINALLY have hope for a future without trauma.♥

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  2. @Natalie

    Thanks Natalie. Some days it is better than others and some times like after I wrote that article, it eases a bit. Actually, I find that when I write about things like this that they don't seem as big of monsters as they do before writing. Oh, love the picture on your profile! :)

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  3. I see myself in a lot that you have written...at least you have several people in your life...I suppose I do too...and yet sometimes I feel so alone...especially when I try to reach out to people and I feel rejected.

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  4. @Mary Siciliano - I hear you and even if I have a hundred people around me, I can often feel so alone. Your words are often like I feel in life. It is a struggle but each day seems a little better than the last. Keep going Mary... keep going!

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  5. Some people are just lucky that can be give and receive love without to much trouble...Or so I've heard. I was never developed mirror-nerons, the result of that can be a situation where even if no one had ever given me reason to beleive otherwise (which was far from the case) I still was not able to receive any love I could not process through intelect. This lead me down to some pretty dark places in my teen age years, and to this day has stunted my ablity to have any realationships that are not based on one person having power and control over the other. Even lead me to beleive love was a myth while I was falling in love for the first time.

    In the end even if every person on earth did everything right someone would still feel unloved. Humanity is a flawed by definition.

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    1. As I am growing, I am learning that it is me who blocks the love others give me. It wasn't easy to get to this point and sometimes I get feeling like no one loves me. However, I'm learning that I'm responsible ultimately for the love I feel or get. That's a big statement to make and it took me years to find someone that truly loved me for who I am, not how I see myself. Yet, I still doubt in my life if it is enough at times. I'm slowly learning, that it is a continued process of growth for me and I hope one of these days, I can look and see just how much love there is around me. All I can do, it work on growing my life and evolving my own consciousness one step at a time. I know it isn't easy as I've had some pretty low days struggling with this issue.

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    2. As an adult, on an intellectual basis, I understand that as a child I did nothing wrong, it was the adult who treated me badly that had the problem. Nevertheless, feelings of being unloved, unworthy of love..persist. Perhaps it is because that person is still in my life, and occasionally says things to perpetuate that feeling. Or it may just be that the seed was planted and I can't seem to unroot it. The problem now, and for most of my adult life is that...when someone I love, says or does something that hurst my feelings(leads to my feeling unloved), I over react, causing a rift to open or deepen between us. I try to explain that I am not mad, I am hurt, but it always ends badly, often with us no longer speaking at all. These are the relationships I care most about...my children, my siblings. I know what happens. They say something hurtful..never intentionally, just not being mindful of my feelings...and I feel unloved and every memory and feeling of being unworthy, unloved, unwanted over the last 54 years comes flooding over me in a wash of despair and pain. I over react and they think I am just a lunatic who gets upset over nothing.
      Then the damaging of that relationship, just sends me into more despair and a desire to not go through this anymore. I try to tell myself I don't have to choose to feel that way, I should just shrug it off and not be so sentive. I can't seem to do that. I don't know how to fix it or repair the relationsips. The truth is, some of them don't seem to love me very much...or slight me in some way....and I just can't get past the feeling that I just get scraps of love.

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  6. I feel your pain as I am in the same situation.

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  7. I can relate, I've always felt extremely lonely.

    Throughout my youth I was told I was always sad, cold and many other things. I've always felt strange really. Always felt... odd for who I was. Never sure what I was doing, but I always seem to have some idea.

    I road down a big bridge as a kid, to go and see my 'stepdad' at work, and I must've been 5-6 or so. I rode on a tricycle and I dissapeared down there.

    I've always acted alone. Always. But deep down, I've wanted love like anyone else. I've wanted feeling. I felt I simply where I was I couldn't have that.

    I had to trust people, I had to believe people, I felt comforted but also unloved. I've always felt people in my family hated me. My mother, brothers, sisters, although, we all grew up weird and so, I often think of that. My dad was also a salvation for me. One of the most sweetest dads I could've ever had.

    But even now, my past was being pushed like a slave by my older brother, which I'm yet to see if the wounds were traumatic, so many things happened and yet, I felt I had to forgive them. if I didn't forgive my family...

    I feel I rely on myself mostly. A sense of discomfort with people and my family has caused me to seem aloof to them. Uncaring, but for both friends and people, I never felt expected to do what I felt had to be.

    It seems like sometimes I wonder if I have to be this... soft spoken, compassionate, sweet little angel. It's as if everytime I look in the eyes of my family member, that is what they want to see.

    I feel like dying sometimes, even when I walk in my mothers bedroom, only to be screamed at like I hurt them in a massively bad way, or smashed the hell out of my parents car in comparison to what I hear. I never ever comprehended it. I want to understand why I am so screamed at.

    When I was extremely young, at 4 years old, I was a rebellious child who, whilst once in the kitchen, wouldn't eat with red sauce or anything like that.

    As I would walk into my family living room then, I would stare into my family member's eyes and the deepest pain shook me. I never felt so alive and so alone. It's like they hated me.

    As I got older, it turns out people saw me as someone who couldn't relate to people and that I was cold and cut off to the world; thus I was diagnosed with a disability known as Aspergers syndrome. Never have understood it.

    I've always been, imo, a extremely compassionate person, however, due to the forces within me, I never felt in my family eyes atleast only a few times this was so.

    I suppose really everyone wants fun and amusement and that's how I feel of my family. I'm that.

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    1. You now need to relate to yourself the way you wished your family had related to you. You are old enough now, and it's something you must take responsibility for if you want to heal. It works, trust me. I feel your pain.

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  8. I am in old age and throughout my life I am feeling than pain. My mother died when I was 3 years, and a stepmother came. My father never cared about me. He always showered his favour on my two elder brothers. I received mental and physical torture from my mother and my brothers including my father. In this age of 70 years,(I am an asian) I came to know that nothing can be done. I was intelligent in my school days and always scored better than my more loved brothers, and more handsome even but the reason is beyond my grasp. After marriage I served my kids and my family like an unpaid servant, always sacrificing my needs, but still the same is going on. I feel that some people are born to bear all this, so that they can find God.

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  9. I have a job where I am constantly around a lot of people. I feel alone in a room with 1000 people. I am crying even when tears are not flowing down my face. I feel myself crying even when I have to force myself to smile. Im tired.

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    1. Wow, believe me I know how you feel. Just because you can't see someone crying does not mean that tears aren't flowing inside of you. If you need to message me, I'll be around for you.

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  10. I stumbled on this site and was amazed that other people feel like I do.
    As I was growing up my mother was very abusive-emotionally, physically and sexually.
    My grandmother was the person who showed me love and my mom used that too. If she needed money or something she would say I couldn't see my grandmother if my grandmother didn't give her what she wanted. Sometimes my grandmother wouldn't have what she was asking for and, as a child, I think I saw that as she didn't give my mom what she wanted so she must not want to see me.
    I'm guessing, because of all the things that happened, I've learned to not show much emotion. When my feelings are hurt or I'm sadpeople don't know because I hide it so well. But this reslts in not being able to really get close to anyone because I have a hard time sharing my feelings.
    I am 47 and have been in 3 long term relationships, the longest is 14 years. They don't last because I feel the need to be in control and believe if they are interested in anything else they must not care about me. I know this is wrong but I don't know how to break this "habit"
    Now, I live alone and have had no serious relationships in a year and a half. I am afraid to let myself love anyone again because I don't want another break up. If I feel someone trying to get close I back off. I only feel "safe" in long distance relationships.
    Bottom line is that I really feel no one cares about me because I'm not very lovable. When someone does act like they care about me I don't believe them or figure they just want to use me for whatever.
    I have a couple friends but no "best" friends, I feel I don't belong anywhere and never feel happy, even if I am smiling.

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  11. Though I do not know you personally I see you every time I look into the mirror. You are right, there are many going through it but scared/ashamed/embarrassed to talk about it. You deserve no rejection because what you just did takes a ton of strength and courage. To open yourself up and be vulnerable is the greatest strength ever. You are a beautiful person, you deserve unconditional love and only you can make the choice to allow it into your life. Don't let your past rob you of your future.

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  12. I have always felt unloved, my parents never even look me in the eye, and when they do theres this... look... they give me, almost disgust... It might be because im fat... becuase im gay... I dont even have any friends, noone talks to me, the few people that do talk to me are hardly nice... Some nights I fantasize about a cool, sleek, metallic, BULLET. I try to imagine what the note would look like, how may people would miss me...

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    1. It isn't easy to do but somehow those of us who didn't feel love or acceptance have to learn how to give it to our self. I have struggled for years to find a way through this for myself and to each one of us, it is a different path. I'm beginning to understand that there is more purpose to my life than I once realized and because of what I went through, I am much more understanding and compassionate for others who are struggling in many ways. Because of past experiences, we are able to see life through a different lens.

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  13. I kinda is feeling unwanted. Especially this summer. I know a lot is going on with my family but one night at the movies isn't really a summer. I usually go swimming, go to cookouts, ect. Not this year. The 4th was just another day for me, really didn't feel like a holiday. I don't remember the last time I went to the beach. I'm 25 years old just recent got my DL and my mom still treats me like a kid. She won't let me drive by myself so I basically stopped telling people that I have my license. Also, i was supposed to get her car but i don't see that happening by the end of the summer. So basically I have been home alone a lot this summer (like I am right now) with a lot of time to think about a lot of things, plus a bunch of sleepless nights, except for last night one of the few good night sleeps in a long time. This year for my birthday I really didn't do what I wanted. I wanted to go out of town but I stayed here. Didn't get a birthday cake, which I really wanted. My best friend lives in Florida and really don't have that many here at home. Today, my mom really hasn't said that much to me and I feel like a burden. Really I do. My dad left us when I was 12. So now I kinda sorta feel like no one really wants me. Wish this feeling will go away.

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    1. I hear you... and in the end we have to find a way to make each day count for us - which includes loving ourselves so much that no matter where we are in life, we find our way forward. It isn't easy.. especially when you've been through difficult moments, but keep going - keep searching for what makes your heart sing (and don't let the fears/doubts win).

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  14. There are an immense amount of people who feel unloved and unwanted ,If only there was a way we could identify and help each other , But alas we are mostly alone with our emptiness, and frequently attract instead, people who seem to use us and take all we have to give and leave us feeling
    scared and unloveable, Maybe it is within ourselves the problem lies , Helping others and meditation are good to make a person feel better as well

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  15. Oh goodness I just found this site and am glad that I am not alone after all. Rejected by my parents, kids, and now husband...no friends to talk to or spend time with....I am 44 and can't believe I feel this way. I wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt very easily. I find it easy to love people and would do whatever is in my power to help anyone I see may need assistance. I give and give and get hurt over and over. I felt worthless growing up and was told over and over how selfish I am. I swore my kids would know without a doubt that I loved them. That much I accomplished. Now they have chosen to spend time with my parents (their grandparents) instead of me. No one has time for me. I love getting out and doing things but there is no one to do anything with since the kids have all left home and my husband only works, sleeps, eats. I know my Jesus is always with me but I am human and need to feel/see/hear someone near me. Sometimes the feeling of being alone is almost overwhelming......there is so much more I have not shared and find that these thoughts are getting stronger. God reminds me who I am to Him but my prayers have changed to begging Him to please let me come Home NOW

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  16. I'm being a bit of a coward commenting anonymously but I don't have your bravery and fear being judged as a loser.

    I was badly abused by a step-father. There were set times, to the minute for every detail of my life. It was timed so he did not have to see me. He would say, 'children should be seen and not heard, but you should not even be seen'. I was locked in my room except for school or if there were visitors for 11 years. My windows were nailed closed and I had only a bed and a desk & chair. Once a year I got to stay with my Nan while they went on holiday. They would bring back dolls from all over the world. They had to stay in the unopened box to retain their value. So these lined the wall above the desk. No touching allowed.

    I remember being forced to clean my own blood off the walls with my head swimming. One day, we had to speaches at school and I couldn't do it. I'd open my mouth to start and no sound came. It was fear. I became 'selective mute'. The school councellor made me sit in her office once a week. Eventually I could talk to her. And then, I told her. She told my parents. I was pulled out if that school and started at my new school on crutches.

    I wish I could say adulthood has been much better but truthfully it's been very hard. I am now 41 yrs old and I have very little going for me. I had two defacto relationships. One ended when he held a knife to my throat and the other ended after I'd had surgery and my partner, at the time, emptied my bank account on alcohol instead of picking up my pain killers. My longest relationship has been 2 years.

    I've been to councelling on and off my entire life trying to fix the damage and I don't know if it's possible. Somehow, I seem to court rejection and abuse despite all efforts to heal. I have a few friends but I've never told them because I'm afraid they'll treat me differently or feel uncomfortable.

    I'm scared of being like this forever. I want to know what love feels like. I want to know what healthy looks like. Sometimes, it's exhausting trying.

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    1. I hear your pain and trauma. I have suffered in childhood too but my saving grace always and always will be my love of animals and nature.

      I certainly am no expert and have been in counselling for over 30 years but when the chips are really down for me and I am drowning is sewerage my pets pull me out and make living worthwhile.

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  17. Looks like I'm not the only person who also has been abused, abandoned, and growing up unloved. The books "Toxic Parents" and "Mothers Who Can't Love" both Dr. Susan Forward are helping me. I very highly recommend them.

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