I Won't Back Down

Written by Don Shetterly

I learned recently that Tom Petty passed away.  I did not know his music for a long time, but when I found it, it meant the world to me.  During that particular period in my life, it spoke to me like very little music did.

One of his songs that is an inspirational help to me is "I Won't Back Down."  When I first heard this song, I was going through horrible moments in my life.  I was just coming to terms with the abuse I had gone through.  It felt like everything was against me, including my family and life itself.

The lyrics state "you can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down," and that's exactly what it felt like to me.  It was hell in my life healing and coming to terms with what had been done to me.  If you've been through childhood sexual abuse or torture, you most likely understand the things I am saying.

In another line, the song goes, "Well I know what's right, I got just one life.  In a world that keeps pushin' me around, but I'll stand my ground."  At that moment of my life, I felt like I was being pushed around, but I still knew what was right.

I had a CD of songs that I played which I called my empowerment songs and "I Won't Back Down" was one of them.  Whenever I felt like I wasn't making it or I needed a boost in life, I would play this CD.

Tom Petty's song helped me see that no matter what I've been through, I Won't Back Down.  He kept me going when sometimes that was a huge mountain to climb.

Healing from childhood sexual abuse and torture was and still is not easy at times.  It feels like pure hell.  Often it feels like you won't make it through all the pain or be able to stand when it is over.  That's where I believe what Tom Petty says, "You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I Won't Back Down."

I am sad to hear he passed away.  He will forever be missed in my heart and the hearts of many.  The world needs more people in it like him who see life for what it is, not what we're led to believe it is.

So even though Tom Petty is no longer with us on this earth, I'll say, "You can stand me up at the gates of hell, but I won't back down."  Oh no, I won't back down.

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Fear Of The Dentist, Part 3

**Note: For full details please read PART 1 and PART 2 **

Today I made it.

Today I did it.

Without any xanax, I managed to get myself into the dentist office and into the chair and allow them to take x-rays and examine me.

Sure, I know there are many people who think, hey I can do that. What’s the big deal? The big deal is that I suffer from an intense fear of going to the dentist. That previous statement was a big understatement. For the fear, is much worse than I can even describe here. When the dentist asked me what my fear of coming in there was, I replied without hesitation and told him it begins when I try to walk in the door and make an appointment. The procedures are just more layers of anxiety that I have to deal with.

However, today I didn’t pass out and I didn’t hide. I faced myself and my fears and went in there. I asked for what I needed and explained what the very difficult moments were for me. And I breathed and I breathed and tried to stay focused even through the tears flowing from my eyes. Fortunately, everyone was very supportive and compassionate but by the time I was ready to leave, it felt like I was in a furnace reaching well over 1000 degrees. It was time to exit stage left.

I wish it was a simple fear that I could just easily let go of. However, to walk in to the dentist office and surrender to the will of what someone needs to do to you is frightening beyond belief for me. I’m very sensitive anyway, so a little bit of discomfort or pain is enough to push me over the top. You throw on top of that, someone putting objects or their fingers in my mouth and now you’ve triggered memories that have haunted me since I can barely remember.
Anytime something is put in my mouth, it feels as if someone is “STUFFING” something in there and forcing it in which I don’t want. If you suffered childhood sexual abuse, you will most likely understand what I’m referring to. If you haven’t suffered through this, use your imagination a little and you will quickly see why I’m so afraid of these things. When I first got my partial plate several years ago, it was all I could do to put it in my mouth and keep it in there without almost gagging and choking to death. Of course, I’m sure there is more to this story but when you’re so young and when your memory doesn’t process things well, all you’re left with is the horrors you are forced to face.

Several years ago, when I finally faced the courage to do major reconstructive work on my teeth, I faced insurmountable fears of just walking into the dentist office. One of the things that I did to help me get there, even with the use of xanax, was playing some of my favorite songs. The song that helped me the most was “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty. In it, the words state, “you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won’t back down”. In my mind, that sums it up pretty good.

While the remaining procedure is still yet to be completed, I’m glad that I made it through as much as I did today. It was a difficult day and I’m feeling very exhausted. However, I’m quite proud of myself for what I accomplished today. And I can only close this part of my process with the thoughts of the “Fear Poem” by Joy Harjo, an inspirational piece of poetry to put fear in perspective.

And just writing this 1 page piece, I feel that furnace of a thousand degrees. The room has become very warm. Hello Anxiety - so we meet again today.



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