**Note: For full details please read PART 2 and PART 3 **
After sitting with so much pain, I knew I had to find a dentist and make an appointment. While that may not sound too difficult, just the act of doing this is very rough for me. I am so afraid of most doctors and dentists. It is a deep rooted and highly emotional fear for me. It is a major anxiety for me.
At least I'm able to ask for more of what I need these days. Like yesterday, when I was on the phone, I asked the receptionist how gentle the dentist was. I then went on to share just how frightened I was to come in. The lady was so compassionate on the phone which helped me immensely. Hopefully the dentist is just as compassionate.
When I hung up the phone, I was fighting back the tears and struggling to hold myself together. It seems strange to me that I would react this way because I do not understand what is going on inside of myself. All I know is that it is a highly, charged, emotional thing for me.
I'm sure I will discover more about this as I go if I just allow things to unfold. However, all of this is exhausting and so frightening. I feel so much shame in anything related to my teeth or mouth. It is an intense shame, an emotional shame and a violent shame.
The only other thing that keeps appearing in my mind which seems somehow connected is events from my past. So what's new, I want to interject here! The events I remember watching are of my two brothers getting their mouths washed out with soap. This was done if they lied or said a bad word and who knows, it might have been done for other reasons to. I cannot remember what they did to deserve this punishment, but I can remember witnessing these violent events and hearing the screams. It was almost as if it was meant for others to observe the punishment. The strange this is, I don't ever remember getting the same punishment while I know my two brothers received this several times.
Part of me is suspicious that somehow I have blocked some horrible, violent events out of my view. I'm suspicious that somehow I would be spared this punishment. If it did not happen to me, it would be outside the norm of how my family behaved. What was usually done to one person was usually done to each person. There was no escaping it. I just don't remember it though, other than what I witnessed.
Why I am only thinking about these things right now as the tooth pain increases, I have no idea. But I do feel a strong sense of shame, sadness and fear. And as difficult as all of this is, I am trying hard to just allow it and do the things I need to do to help move through this, release it and support myself.
Stay tuned though - I have a feeling this is only part 1. If I'm strong enough, I'll keep sharing this as it unfolds. For now, I really need the love, support and strength from the angels. For it feels like a lonely path that I trod.
*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog