Barely Made It To The Dentist

I had the tooth extracted the other day and boy was that not fun.  They had a heck of a time getting it to come out.  I went to another dentist (female) than the previous one a couple of years ago.  At least she is more compassionate.  At one point during the procedure, I was struggling to stay in the moment.  I knew I was getting close to passing out and was trying to focus on my breathing.

Finally I took my hands and made a time out signal and she stopped.  All the time, I was asking my angels to help me.  As soon as she stopped, I was hyperventilating but I was able to slow my own breathing down.  After a few minutes, she began again and within a couple of minutes the tooth came out and it was all over. 

Boy these things trigger me so much on so many levels from early days to the time in the hospital with the paralysis. 

Then I came home and the pain has been tough to deal with.  It wiped me out more than I expected.  I had people calling me and I was short and unhelpful because I wasn't feeling good and it hurt to talk.

The day before yesterday, I went into the deep dark place where I don't want to go and I knew I was there.  The triggers of emotions were overwhelming in this.  I started to contact a friend, but quit (all part of that spiral process for me).  So I once again asked my angels to help pull me back up.

Hiding From The Dentist

Okay, get ready, get set - where did he go?  If anyone has seen Don, please send him to the car.  His dentist appointment awaits.  Paging Don - Paging Don!  He's nowhere to be found.  Can you blame him though?  Its the dentist after all!

I don't care how many times I go through this and how many things I do, I'm as frightened of the dentist as someone would be if they were jumping out of a 747 jumbo jet with no parachute at 30,000 feet.  Get the feeling?  Now you've got an inclination of just how difficult this is for me.

I'm trying.  I am trying.  I hopefully have found a better dentist that actually cares and is compassionate unlike the last one that gave lip service to the concept.  I have tried to put some boundaries in place and only had them look at my first visit without doing any work.

While I hate medication of any type, this is the one time I will take something to help me with the anxiety.  I'd like to think I'm strong enough without, but see me hiding behind the door.  Does that prove my point?

Vulnerability At The Dentist Office

Last week, I had a big dose of vulnerability that wasn't easy to handle.  Whenever events like this happen, I'm always reminded of Brene Brown's talks on vulnerability.  It never seems like it is easy to be in this place and the emotions run high from moments like this.

In one of the last episodes of the Glee Project, their subject was vulnerability.  You could see some of the pain in each person as they experienced moments of vulnerability.  It wasn't easy for them and I'm sure took a lot out of them emotionally.

My latest experience was at the dentist office.  If you have read my blog post for some time you will see that I've endured some pretty rough moments at the dentist office and to read past blog posts on the dentist, click here.  Last week I had to go into the dentist because my denture that I wear, broke in two pieces.  It was not an option as the only way I could wear it, was to get it fixed and without it, everyone would be able to notice it was missing.

It is always a challenge to make an appointment and walk in the door.  The past trauma I have been through that is connected to this denture is almost unbearable.  The emotions of shame and sadness come to the forefront and are stronger than a bulldozer pushing a mountain.  On top of this, financial constraints made this a nightmare because I knew just how expensive of a situation I was facing.

Fainting From More Than Needles

For background information, you may want to read the previous blog post, "Fainting At The Sight Of Needles posted on June 9, 2011.

For me, it is more than just needles that makes me faint and pass out. Often, it is perceived pain long before any pain or procedure might take place. Just writing this is enough that I can feel my anxiety level is very high. It does not even have to be something I experience but someone close to me that is going to experience a procedure.

I remember my father telling me that when he was younger, he would pass out easily. It wasn’t until he went through a time where he got so angry and screamed and yelled that it began to change. I’m not sure he was ever cured and I do know that he found other ways to take his anxiety and fear out, rather than passing out.

To someone that says “Man up!” or just get over it, this phobia is not that easy to deal with. It isn’t like I sit there waiting for the room to get warm and the lights to begin going dark. It isn’t like I think about it as I try hard not to think about it. Fortunately though, I have not fainted for several years which is in part because of the intense healing work I’ve done on myself and learning how to manage this better.

For me, I’ve learned how to go in and really become one with myself, including all my fears, pains, hurts and traumas in life. It has not been an easy process. While going through some of these sessions with Dr. Paul Canali, I’ve often experienced feeling like I was going to faint or pass out on the table. It has been a frequent occurrence that we have had to work with. Dr. Canali has learned how to work with me to take me to the edge of this feeling and then back me off from it. My nervous system is no longer revved up with a pulse rate of 99 (see blog post April 1, 2010) and above constantly since going through this healing work. That in itself has allowed me to handle more situations and not faint or pass out.

One situation though that is still extremely difficult is that of going to the dentist. (see blog post of 07/06/10). I do take a sedative so I can get into the dentist office but the thought of scheduling an appointment is enough to make me faint. If I don’t faint, the anxiety and heart rate skyrocket! Hopefully there will come a day for me where I can do something as simple as booking an appointment to the dentist without having to take a sedative.

For a continuation of this topic, read the next blog post on June 11, 2011, Helpful Tips For Fainting.

Further Reading:
1) Afraid Of Needles? Why Some Faint At The Very Sight (MSNBC)
2) Fainting At The Sight Of Needles (June 9, 2011)
3) Helpful Tips For Fainting (June 11, 2011)
4) Fear Of The Dentist (July 6, 2010)
5) Living As A Highly Sensitive Person (Jan 20, 2011)




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Fear Of The Dentist, Part 3

**Note: For full details please read PART 1 and PART 2 **

Today I made it.

Today I did it.

Without any xanax, I managed to get myself into the dentist office and into the chair and allow them to take x-rays and examine me.

Sure, I know there are many people who think, hey I can do that. What’s the big deal? The big deal is that I suffer from an intense fear of going to the dentist. That previous statement was a big understatement. For the fear, is much worse than I can even describe here. When the dentist asked me what my fear of coming in there was, I replied without hesitation and told him it begins when I try to walk in the door and make an appointment. The procedures are just more layers of anxiety that I have to deal with.

However, today I didn’t pass out and I didn’t hide. I faced myself and my fears and went in there. I asked for what I needed and explained what the very difficult moments were for me. And I breathed and I breathed and tried to stay focused even through the tears flowing from my eyes. Fortunately, everyone was very supportive and compassionate but by the time I was ready to leave, it felt like I was in a furnace reaching well over 1000 degrees. It was time to exit stage left.

I wish it was a simple fear that I could just easily let go of. However, to walk in to the dentist office and surrender to the will of what someone needs to do to you is frightening beyond belief for me. I’m very sensitive anyway, so a little bit of discomfort or pain is enough to push me over the top. You throw on top of that, someone putting objects or their fingers in my mouth and now you’ve triggered memories that have haunted me since I can barely remember.
Anytime something is put in my mouth, it feels as if someone is “STUFFING” something in there and forcing it in which I don’t want. If you suffered childhood sexual abuse, you will most likely understand what I’m referring to. If you haven’t suffered through this, use your imagination a little and you will quickly see why I’m so afraid of these things. When I first got my partial plate several years ago, it was all I could do to put it in my mouth and keep it in there without almost gagging and choking to death. Of course, I’m sure there is more to this story but when you’re so young and when your memory doesn’t process things well, all you’re left with is the horrors you are forced to face.

Several years ago, when I finally faced the courage to do major reconstructive work on my teeth, I faced insurmountable fears of just walking into the dentist office. One of the things that I did to help me get there, even with the use of xanax, was playing some of my favorite songs. The song that helped me the most was “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty. In it, the words state, “you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won’t back down”. In my mind, that sums it up pretty good.

While the remaining procedure is still yet to be completed, I’m glad that I made it through as much as I did today. It was a difficult day and I’m feeling very exhausted. However, I’m quite proud of myself for what I accomplished today. And I can only close this part of my process with the thoughts of the “Fear Poem” by Joy Harjo, an inspirational piece of poetry to put fear in perspective.

And just writing this 1 page piece, I feel that furnace of a thousand degrees. The room has become very warm. Hello Anxiety - so we meet again today.



*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Fear Of The Dentist, Part 2

**Note: For full details please read PART 1 and PART 3 **

From My Daily Journal: I am very scared and full of fears at this moment and instead of sweeping them under the rug, I am going to acknowledge them. For today is my dentist appointment. Last night was so difficult to sleep worrying about it and dealing with the pain of the tooth.

To be very honest, I'm not sure what all my fears are. However, without a doubt, I know they are there. I can feel my pulse increase and my heart beat overtime as I acknowledge the fear within me at this moment.

The anxiety of what will happen, how I will react, is alive and growing within me. The anxiety of just being anxious is trying to engulf me.

These feelings and emotions are not new. They are estranged bedfellows to me. Yet, they feed off of me as their last meal just before starvation. My hope is that they get their bellies full and move on to their next victims. They only laugh and scoff at me in these thoughts.

May I today reach way down into that area that seems to not exist in this moment, and find the courage I need. While I'm there reaching, may I also find the comfort and peace to know that it is going to be all right. I'm going to get through this. I'm much stronger than I realize.

Please, Angels, I ask that I will have the courage, comfort and peace that I need. May I allow myself to just be in all of this as the day unfolds.



*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Fear Of The Dentist, Part 1

**Note: For full details please read PART 2 and PART 3 **

After sitting with so much pain, I knew I had to find a dentist and make an appointment. While that may not sound too difficult, just the act of doing this is very rough for me. I am so afraid of most doctors and dentists. It is a deep rooted and highly emotional fear for me. It is a major anxiety for me.

At least I'm able to ask for more of what I need these days. Like yesterday, when I was on the phone, I asked the receptionist how gentle the dentist was. I then went on to share just how frightened I was to come in. The lady was so compassionate on the phone which helped me immensely. Hopefully the dentist is just as compassionate.

When I hung up the phone, I was fighting back the tears and struggling to hold myself together. It seems strange to me that I would react this way because I do not understand what is going on inside of myself. All I know is that it is a highly, charged, emotional thing for me.

I'm sure I will discover more about this as I go if I just allow things to unfold. However, all of this is exhausting and so frightening. I feel so much shame in anything related to my teeth or mouth. It is an intense shame, an emotional shame and a violent shame.

The only other thing that keeps appearing in my mind which seems somehow connected is events from my past. So what's new, I want to interject here! The events I remember watching are of my two brothers getting their mouths washed out with soap. This was done if they lied or said a bad word and who knows, it might have been done for other reasons to. I cannot remember what they did to deserve this punishment, but I can remember witnessing these violent events and hearing the screams. It was almost as if it was meant for others to observe the punishment. The strange this is, I don't ever remember getting the same punishment while I know my two brothers received this several times.

Part of me is suspicious that somehow I have blocked some horrible, violent events out of my view. I'm suspicious that somehow I would be spared this punishment. If it did not happen to me, it would be outside the norm of how my family behaved. What was usually done to one person was usually done to each person. There was no escaping it. I just don't remember it though, other than what I witnessed.

Why I am only thinking about these things right now as the tooth pain increases, I have no idea. But I do feel a strong sense of shame, sadness and fear. And as difficult as all of this is, I am trying hard to just allow it and do the things I need to do to help move through this, release it and support myself.

Stay tuned though - I have a feeling this is only part 1. If I'm strong enough, I'll keep sharing this as it unfolds. For now, I really need the love, support and strength from the angels. For it feels like a lonely path that I trod.



*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog