Control Is Fertile Grounds For Abuse

I tweeted this out the other day because I see many parallels to current events that were identical to what I went through as a kid.  I take no pleasure in this connection.

It is extremely triggering to me.  It allows me to see things from a different perspective because I have lived through them once before.  The triggers are overwhelming right now and I really have to modulate my time seeing some events unfold.

I know I'm not alone.  I know others have had to deal with this very same thing, especially those that have endured child sexual abuse.  In order for abuse to take place, there needs to be someone in control.  That person in control has absolute power over not only the victim, but all those associated with them.

The tweet I wrote was, "I grew up in a home where you could not disagree with those in charge.  It allowed abuse to flourish.  It was brainwashing."

I grew up in a home where you could not disagree with those in charge. It allowed abuse to flourish. It was brainwashing.

— Don Shetterly (@mindbodythought) November 19, 2016

Not only was I sexually abused as a child, but the brainwashing that followed me every day of my life was one that I still struggle with today.  I was taught how to think, what to say and what to do.  At no time was I allowed to make my own decisions or follow what I thought or felt.  I was not allowed to say anything that went against what the supreme ruler dictated in our family.  The minister in the church was just as bad as what I faced at home.

Of course, the supreme ruler and his subordinates will be the first ones to claim I'm the one that is crazy.  They will say I was led to say these things by others.  They will claim that they gave me nothing but love and respect.  They will claim that they were great and loving.  They will claim that I was always allowed to think and say and do what I needed to.  They will claim, I am wrong and have no clue what I am saying.  They will claim, I was brainwashed by others outside of the family and church.

Their ego is too large...

You see, those that control others will never admit they are wrong.  Their ego is too large.  I used to think that people who controlled others were very strong, but I've since learned that they are so fearful of everything in life.  They are so full of fear that they will do anything to keep others in their line of thinking and control, so as to not allow them to touch their own vulnerability.  They will not risk anyone seeing the real person they are and they do that by controlling and abusing others.

But, it isn't just the ones that control others that allow horrible abuse to take place.  It is those that sit on the sidelines with their eyes closed.  They were just as plentiful back in the days I was being abused and raped and to this day, they still sit with their eyes closed.  You cannot care about others and have love if you sit by and watch others be abused.

Humanity is not about the control of one another even though it appears that way at this moment.  Humanity is about working together and coming to know more of who we are each and every day we are alive.  It is about inspiring one another to be more than we are and reaching for the outer limits of what we cannot see in this moment.

Control and manipulation and abuse are not signs of a strong person.  They are signs of a weak person.  A strong person allows someone to say and think and do what seems normal to them, while honoring and respecting that individual as a human being.  A weak person just controls and holds everyone down, thereby extinguishing the flame within us.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Bully In The House

This was my life.  I grew up in a home where the bully was in charge.  The one that said, you must believe what I say or get out.  The one that thought their way was all that mattered or it was the highway.

There was no dissent.  There was no thought about dissent.  There were many threats if you even thought about telling anyone the secrets taking place in the house.

If the threats were not enough, you watched as your pets were killed and your body was whacked with beatings and pain.  You hunkered down as the violence happened and the yelling intensified.

I grew up in this home where you either believed and thought and talked like the bully of the house wanted or you were nothing in their eyes.  If you didn't do as they wanted, you were outcast.  You were shunned.  You were given the silent treatment.

There wasn't just one bully either.  There were two.  The second felt as if I was the physical punching bag he needed.  He was bigger than me and weighed almost twice as much.  I still remember his knees jumping up and down on my shoulder as he pinned me to the ground.

Both bullies molested me and raped me and made me hate myself.  It was the house I grew up in.  I despise bullies.  I despise child molesters and rapists.

The bullies used their church and the bible and their God to torment me, and keep me in line.  It kept me silent.  They used the teachings of Jesus to proclaim to me that they did these things to show God's love to me.  They were bullies.

They brainwashed me to think that everyone else was wrong and should be despised and talked about and shunned.  I grew up learning this and seeing it in action, even as they took time out to pray to God, read their bibles and preach love.

It is easy to say not all people are like that, but when you've been through what I have, you see that those words fall short.  For you see what truly lies in a person's actions and words.  You see evidence of it every day with grandstanding, but no matter what, the bullies are still alive and kicking.

I grew up in a house where I didn't know who I was and love was something that was proclaimed, but I knew very little about it from the example I was shown.  You wouldn't have been able to convince the bullies of this.  For they thought they were self-righteous and honorable and the best loving human of all times.  They were the greatest in their own eyes and they made sure everyone knew it.

Little do they realize as they continue to practice their hatred of those who don't bow down and worship at their feet, that I no longer participate in their bullying practices.  I no longer wish to allow them to rule over me.

Yes, it means that I no longer live in that house or talk with the bullies.  It means that I am blazing my own path.  Yet, I see time and time again, evidence throughout our land that the bullies I grew up with are present everywhere I go.

It takes more than words and actions.  That's all a bully has to defy human existence and love.  A bully will convince you they are not a bully, but if you believe that, you will sacrifice your own soul in the quest for life and for your soul's existence.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Abuse Seemed Normal To Me

Isn't it obvious?  Can't you see it?  I mean, everyone else can!  What am I talking about?  It is about how we often don't see the abuse that is happening before our very eyes.  We don't fully see all that we've gone through.

Usually this is for a good reason because if the mind had to confront everything that was happening while it was happening, it would short circuit and not be able to handle it all.  For an adult, it is hard enough, but for a young child, the mind really gets challenged when it is being abused.

A child is born into this world looking up to their parents and family for sustenance, love, support, encouragement and safety.  When a child is abused, these things are tossed aside in the trash and the child is left to comprehend a world that goes against biology.

When a child goes through abuse, whether it is sexual abuse or physical and emotional abuse, often the kid has no idea that anything else exists outside of this behavior.  It becomes the norm in life.  It becomes the world that the child knows and so it almost looks normal.

There may be a part of the child which knows the abuse isn't normal, but the abuse is the only world they know.  With the family secrets and the shame and the pain, there is no way the child can discover a different world beyond what they see every day.  The biological body and mind knows no different and through these things, it is kept in the dark.

For a long time, I didn't realize that some of what I had been through was abuse.  I just thought everyone was forced to take baths with their older brothers and father, which resulted in constant sexual molestation.  I just thought that it was normal for all fathers to watch their children dress and undress even in their teenage years.  I just thought it was normal that if you didn't allow them to sexually abuse you, that God wouldn't love you and you would miss out on the affection shown to you by them.

There have been so many things that I thought were normal and now as I've been in a loving relationship with my husband, I've found out they were not normal.  When I have started to talk to others that have been through things and shared the details of behavior I went through, it is then that I realized, it was not normal behavior.  It was abuse.

Having a father demean you constantly and scream at you is not anything a child should ever have to endure.  Having to live in a world of chaos each and every day, tiptoeing around my father to see what might set him off in a fit of rage was a challenge.  The little things that could spark a violent tirade of abuse on myself or my mom and brothers was a random event that happened when you least expected it.  Usually there was no warning to what would make the bomb explode.

Being constantly told how worthless you were or stupid or how little common sense you had would rip any sense of self worth you had into shreds.  Those moments seemed normal to me and so I continued to live in a self-imposed world of perfection so I could try and find some value.  Plus, I didn't want to upset God because bad stuff would happen to me then.

Every bit of my life was controlled and manipulated and the minute you thought you had it figured out, the rules changes.  The behaviors changed.  The corresponding actions and results changed.  There was no guessing what would happen or when it would happen.  This was the world I grew up in.  It was all I thought existed.

One of the things that I see others struggle with just like myself in healing is that you have to come to terms with what was normal or not in your childhood.  To come to terms though, means you have to touch the pain and horror of those moments where it was not normal.  It is never easy to touch the pain and sorrow you have experience in life.  It takes courage and often a helping hand to walk with you through those fires.

For me, I had to walk away from my family in order to find myself and my life.  I had to say enough was enough and I will be the first to tell you that this was as difficult as it gets.  There is nothing that can replace the biological connection of a mother, father or family unit.  Yes, you learn to live and go on, but that biological cellular connection is always there.

We all learn from the behavior we witness and endure.  We all function in life based upon what was done to us and what we witnessed.  Healing is about learning which parts of our life no longer serve us now, even if they helped us survive those horrible moments.  Healing is about understanding that things were not normal, even if it is the only world we knew.

It is about learning to piece our lives together and helping teach ourselves all that we need in life.  Yes, we got short changed as kids, but now through healing, we can begin to create the life we want with the people in it that we want.

It is like the storybook of our lives where you can choose to put in each day's chapter that which you want and need and desire.  If it doesn't work out the way you want it to, you're always free to create something different tomorrow.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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You Don't Understand

I've seen this happen so much lately, it has made my head spin round and round like a child's toy top.  People say far too much, "you don't understand" and this really hurts me to no end.  The pain that statement inflicts is just as bad as if they pulled a gun and took a shot.

Years ago, I was at an event and this person that was in a wheel chair was trying to be strong.  I was trying to help them a little and they really got angry at me.  They stated strongly to me and in no uncertain terms that I just didn't understand what they were going through because I was not in a wheel chair.  Their eyes got real wide when I looked at them and said, "oh, but it wasn't but a few years ago that I was!"

It leaves me scratching my head...

I've had moments online lately that I have truly tried to be encouraging and then heard the words, "you don't understand".  It always leaves me scratching my head because if the person only knew just how much I truly did understand, they probably would blush with embarrassment.  I always think, but if I have missed something, why not try to help me understand, rather than just dismiss me as being "stupid".

I know we all have our difficulties and our struggles.  I know some of us face some very tough and insurmountable odds in getting through our days.  I get that.  I've been through those moments and if you go back through this blog, you will read many of them.  From depression, anxiety, suicide, paralysis, Conversion Disorder, full body rashes, body pain like no other and just trying to deal with the many circumstances of life - yes, I think I have a pretty good idea of what others go through.

Maybe I don't fully understand...

Maybe my experiences don't match up to yours 100%.  Maybe I don't fully understand what your day is like or what that particular part of your story means.  Maybe I see things through my life's experiences and not necessarily your filters, but it does not mean I don't understand.

I feel for others more than most will ever know.  I hurt when I see others hurt.  I want to scream when I see injustice.  I want to rid this world of the pain and I often feel like I'm not enough to help.  To say, "you don't understand" to me is like a big slap in the face.

What if instead of saying "you don't understand", that maybe you help someone understand.  Share more of your story.  Write about what you are going through.  After all, these are ways to help heal and make sense out of what is happening when it seems like nothing makes sense.

I write on my blog and in my tweets the things that I know have helped me.  I write to help give a brighter outlook on things or to give hope that things can change and get better.  I write to help give a different perspective or conscious awareness that may is hard to see.  At no time is my writing about inflicting hurt upon another.

Challenged to look further....

The things that helped me the most in addition to understanding and compassion were the moments when I was challenged to look further, to be more than that moment, and to see other ways I could view what was taking place.  It was in challenging those uncomfortable moments that I began to find my way forward.  I try to do the same with everyone I meet.

I wrote this blog post some time ago about Holding The Space For Someone and I think it matches up to the point I'm trying to make here.

Question Of The Day

What other ways can people help us heal and progress in life or understand what we are going through?

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Terrified Of Body Contact

It wasn't that long ago that I struggled with being close to other people.   I wanted touch so badly from others, but I was terrified of it.  I knew my body had been violated, but I never pieced it together in those moments.  I was so very terrified of body contact.

I kept people at a distance from me.  I didn't let people touch my back, touch my arms or anything else.  The touch was terrifying.  It would make my skin crawl as if ants were walking up and down my body.  It would make me nauseous.  It would make me angry.  I would feel helpless and almost like I was being abused and raped and violated all over again.

People often think that unsolicited hugs are a good thing.  To someone that hasn't been violated sexually and physically, they most likely are.  However, in my case, they are not.  You had better be someone I completely trust and feel safe with or you will be giving me the heebie-jeebies.  You had better ask permission or I will be left feeling like you had just physically assaulted and tortured me.  There are few people who can readily hug me and I feel safe and warm and loved.  Even for the people I feel safe with, they know to check in with me before just attempting to hug me.

Losing Your Body By Numbing Out

For anyone who has been through trauma, you fully understand how your body is not your friend after these experiences.  Losing your body is so common among sexual abuse survivors because when you go through these experiences, it is a means of survival.

Consider for a moment that if you are experiencing sexual abuse where someone overpowers you and not only is the pain great, but the humiliation and shame are beyond comprehension, the only way to survive is by shutting down.  It is a means to survive.  It is a means to get through the experience because of the overwhelming nature of what is going on.

For a long time, I did not even realize how much I had shut my body down.  It took me going through a Conversion Disorder and being paralyzed to begin understanding this.  Even in the depths of the Conversion Disorder, I could not feel a needle being applied to the bottom of my feet.  I could not feel the pain in my back and neck.  I could not feel much.

Healing Abandonment Experiences

I was reading a WordPress blog that I stumbled into the other day and it really hit home.  It is a topic that I normally don't hear people talk that much about, let alone share it from their personal experience.  I've went through abandonment, maybe not like some people, but in a more covert way.  I'm not sure it makes any difference how it happened, as the effects are all the same.

Another story I remember beside my own was a roommate I had in college.  He was a very nice guy and seemed to get along great with people.  He had a great personality and was fun loving in nature.  I still remember the day when he and I were talking and he shared something very personal.  He told me that a social services worker had found him in a garbage can.  His own mother for reasons he did not know, left him in a garbage can.  He could have died.  I don't remember how young he was, but I think he was just a baby.

My story is not that dramatic as this roommate story is on abandonment.  However, what I went through was more covert and more subtle.  Yes, there was the time in the hospital when I was just a baby that my mom had to choose between being close to my father who had hepatitis or stay with me.  I'm sure it wasn't that she didn't want to be with me, but he had much more control over her and he was extremely insecure.  Of course, there is no way I can recollect this in my memory, but my body still feels it.

Sexual Abuse Effects Lessened by Massage

According to a study done at the Touch Research Institute with Dr. Tiffany Fields, women who had experienced sexual abuse found the effects were lessened by massage therapy. In 1996, a study involving 20 women with an average age of 35 years, were given a 30 minute massage twice a week for one month.

Immediately after the massage, the participants reported being less depressed, less anxious and their salivary cortisol levels decreased. Over the one month duration of receiving massage, the participants reported a decrease in depression and life event stress. Although the relaxation therapy control group also reported a decrease in anxiety and depression, their stress hormones did not change, and they reported an increasingly negative attitude towards touch.

Being an abuse survivor myself, I do recognize just how difficult it is to begin receiving massage work. The very first time that I tried to have a massage was on a cruise ship and I actually thought it was all about sex as many people tend to think it is. When I realized that it was not about sex and that it actually felt good to be touched, I experienced a degree of relaxation that I had not felt before.

Even with the good experience of getting the first massage, my mind always saw massage as a trigger back to past experiences that were not favorable. Even though my body was very tense, my muscles were tight and painful and my life was filled with stress, massage was not an option. I did not feel safe around anyone that was doing it and tended to discount any thought of getting a massage. I completely understand when other survivors are afraid to be touched.

My next attempt at massage started out better but by the end of the third massage, I got triggered badly. It wasn't anything the therapist was doing but unfortunately they weren't able to realize I had been triggered and so I laid there receiving the massage while being completely out of my body and not present. I never went back to the therapist and did not go back to a massage for a long time.

It wasn't until I started to think about going to massage school (of all places for me to go) that I went in and had another massage. This time, a guy was doing it and was actually one of these that applies a lot of pressure. I really didn't feel much of it. It took many months of being in massage school where I began to truly feel touch.

Since that time, I have made tremendous strides through healing and accepting touch within my own body through the Trager (TM) approach and through Unified Therapy with Dr. Paul Canali. Both have helped me release some of the trauma I went through and now my body does like to be touched. I am cautious though in who I allow to touch me but when I do get body work done on me, it is a good feeling now.

I am happy to see research being done on the area of healing, touch and massage therapy. The Touch Research Institute is a great place that is doing some tremendous research in this area. I also want to be a catalyst in helping other abuse survivors realize that touch can be a good thing even if you think there is no way on earth you can do bodywork. I've learned a form of bodywork that is not regular massage but it meets you where ever you are at and works from that point forward.


Abstract For The article cited above

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SEXUAL ABUSE

Field, T., Hernandez-Reif, M., Hart, S., Quintino, O., Drose, L., Field, T., Kuhn, C., & Schanberg, S (1997). Effects of sexual abuse are lessened by massage therapy. Journal of Bodywork and Movement Therapies, 1, 65-69.

Women who had experienced sexual abuse were given a 30-minute massage twice a week for 1 month. Immediately after the massage the women reported being less depressed and less anxious and their salivary cortisol levels decreased following the session. Over the 1-month treatment period the massage therapy group experienced a decrease in depression and in life event stress. Although the relaxation therapy control group also reported a decrease in anxiety and depression, their stress hormones did not change, and they reported an increasingly negative attitude toward touch.


For More Information:
1) Journal Of Bodywork Article about sexual abuse and massage
2) Touch Research Institute with Dr. Tiffany Fields, Univ of Miami
3) The Trager (TM) Approach
4) Dr. Paul Canali and Unified Therapy
5) Healing bodywork with Don Shetterly

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Blog Post & Images (c) 1/20/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Daily Affirmations For Male Survivors

By direct permission from Dr. Howard Fradkin, I am sharing these 10 daily affirmations for male survivors.

Howard Fradkin, Ph.D. is the Psychologist that appears on the Oprah Show for an historic, ground breaking, two part series of 200 Men who were molested that come forward.

In addition, Dr. Fradkin is the Co-Chairperson of Male Survivor Weekends of Recovery and a part of Affirmations Therapy.

Dr. Fradkin has worked with over 1000 male survivors of sexual abuse and says one of the first steps on the journey toward healing is to practice daily affirmations. He suggests saying the following affirmations out loud to yourself or to someone you trust.

1) Recovery is absolutely possible and achievable for me.

2) I will practice being disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality.

3) I give myself permission to connect to loving, affirmative, strong, sensitive, accepting men and women in my community.

4) I release and forgive myself for any responsibility I have accepted in the past for my abuse.
5) The abuser(s) from the past chose to hurt me; I will stop repeating that lie that it just happened to me.

6) Offering myself daily compassion is necessary for my healing and growth.

7) I commit to connecting to the boy inside me today so we can play, laugh and experience joy together, even if just for a minute or two.

8) I believe deep inside me I possess the ability to face the truth of my abuse and to learn to use new tools for healing.

9) I have the right and ability to speak the truth of my abuse and deserve to be heard, understood, believed and supported.

10) Feeling is healing; as I heal, I develop the ability to experience a wider range of emotions to enhance my health and connections to others.

Further Reading:
1) How Could Anyone

2) Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 Male Survivors Stand Together

3) Dr. Howard Fradkin, Affirmations Therapy

4) Male Survivor

Healing The Trauma of Child Sexual Abuse

One of the comments that came through on a blog post I wrote about "Male Survivor" has a link to a very good blog post as well. I thought it had some great information and I like to support fellow survivors who are healing their own lives.

I'm always intrigued as well by those that have been touched by sexual abuse and how they heal it in their own lives. There are many paths to healing and the more we join hands together, sharing what we've learned and what has worked for us, the better our society will be. Child abuse is horrible but as we break the silence and speak out, we leave fewer darkened corners for it to hide and grow in.


Here's the link to check out! Healing The Trauma of Sexual Abuse

Fear Of The Dentist, Part 3

**Note: For full details please read PART 1 and PART 2 **

Today I made it.

Today I did it.

Without any xanax, I managed to get myself into the dentist office and into the chair and allow them to take x-rays and examine me.

Sure, I know there are many people who think, hey I can do that. What’s the big deal? The big deal is that I suffer from an intense fear of going to the dentist. That previous statement was a big understatement. For the fear, is much worse than I can even describe here. When the dentist asked me what my fear of coming in there was, I replied without hesitation and told him it begins when I try to walk in the door and make an appointment. The procedures are just more layers of anxiety that I have to deal with.

However, today I didn’t pass out and I didn’t hide. I faced myself and my fears and went in there. I asked for what I needed and explained what the very difficult moments were for me. And I breathed and I breathed and tried to stay focused even through the tears flowing from my eyes. Fortunately, everyone was very supportive and compassionate but by the time I was ready to leave, it felt like I was in a furnace reaching well over 1000 degrees. It was time to exit stage left.

I wish it was a simple fear that I could just easily let go of. However, to walk in to the dentist office and surrender to the will of what someone needs to do to you is frightening beyond belief for me. I’m very sensitive anyway, so a little bit of discomfort or pain is enough to push me over the top. You throw on top of that, someone putting objects or their fingers in my mouth and now you’ve triggered memories that have haunted me since I can barely remember.
Anytime something is put in my mouth, it feels as if someone is “STUFFING” something in there and forcing it in which I don’t want. If you suffered childhood sexual abuse, you will most likely understand what I’m referring to. If you haven’t suffered through this, use your imagination a little and you will quickly see why I’m so afraid of these things. When I first got my partial plate several years ago, it was all I could do to put it in my mouth and keep it in there without almost gagging and choking to death. Of course, I’m sure there is more to this story but when you’re so young and when your memory doesn’t process things well, all you’re left with is the horrors you are forced to face.

Several years ago, when I finally faced the courage to do major reconstructive work on my teeth, I faced insurmountable fears of just walking into the dentist office. One of the things that I did to help me get there, even with the use of xanax, was playing some of my favorite songs. The song that helped me the most was “I Won’t Back Down” by Tom Petty. In it, the words state, “you can stand me up at the gates of hell but I won’t back down”. In my mind, that sums it up pretty good.

While the remaining procedure is still yet to be completed, I’m glad that I made it through as much as I did today. It was a difficult day and I’m feeling very exhausted. However, I’m quite proud of myself for what I accomplished today. And I can only close this part of my process with the thoughts of the “Fear Poem” by Joy Harjo, an inspirational piece of poetry to put fear in perspective.

And just writing this 1 page piece, I feel that furnace of a thousand degrees. The room has become very warm. Hello Anxiety - so we meet again today.



*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Body Memories

Body memories (also known as Somatic Memories) have plagued a fair amount of my recovery and healing in my life. At times, they subside and things become much easier for me. However, when they are in full force, I just want to go in a cave and hide from the world and everything around me.

My definition of body memories would be something very physical that happens for no known reason or cause and continues in some type of pattern whether it is from day to day, night to night or some other frequency. Body memories are often accompanied by strong emotions, anxiety, intense fear and often can be associated with body temperature/heart rate or other physical changes in the body. They are a very physical symptom almost as if whatever event they connect to is replaying as if you were going through the same thing in the current moment. During these episodes, it is almost difficult to distinguish what is actually happening and what is replaying out in the body. It is as if the subconscious mind is in control and acting out through the physical body.

Some of the things I have experienced range from more of a nightmare type scenario to times where you could physically see the effects on my body. Without being too graphic here, I have had times where my anal area feels as if I am being raped in the moment with all the pain that brings with it. There have been times that I have been awakened at night by my face being in so much pain and actually swelling up to the point where I had to put an ice pack on it before it would let up. I remember feeling at times like I was being pinned down and held against the bed with no way to physically move. It was as if a weight was actually bearing down upon myself. There have been times where I felt like I was being choked or times when I actually thought one of my own abusers was in the room. Some of the other things I experience are waking up in the middle of the night with deep pain in my groin area but the pain goes and quickly as it arrives. Often it is accompanied by sweating or an intense body heat and extremely restlessness. These are just a few of the things that I've experienced.

The hardest part when you are going through body memories is trying to tell yourself that this is not happening now. It is not actually taking place in this current moment. Yet, I know all to well, that these things give every impression, feel and sensation as if they are taking place in the moment. The physical symptoms are all there, yet the actions that they connect to are not taking place. Keep reminding yourself that these events are not taking place in this moment and that you are safe.

The next hardest part of body memories is trying to keep yourself from thinking you are completely crazy and you've lost track of what is reality. It gets very tough during these times because the lines get so blurred. You've got to keep telling yourself that you are not crazy and these things will pass.

Not giving into the fear but by trying to take the fear on, will give you power over it. Yes, the fear is strong but that is what it is. It is nothing more than fears of something that happened in some previous time. I often think of the bible story about David and Goliath where Goliath the Giant is the fear. Little ol David managed to take down the fear with nothing more than one small rock.

For me, trying to write about these things in my journal is a big help. Often times, these things involve moments that were very embarrassing and filled with shame. They were times when we were powerless against what was going on. So even to give the memories a voice through writing can be a very healing support exercise for anyone going through this. In my own case, trying to talk to anyone about it was very difficult and so writing was my only way of beginning to get this out. I still struggle with wanting to tell anyone about it because of the embarrassment and shame.

Sometimes, I just had to find a way to let some steam off and scream or find some type of physical activity to participate in. Anything that helps you move your arms and body in an intense way followed by some restful moments is a big help in discharging all that comes up during these times of body memories. Anger was always a big part of these things and some times I felt like I wanted to go into a full rage against anything that crossed my path.

While I know that these events can be doorways to further healing, they are still difficult to deal with and keep one's self grounded and centered. If anything will knock you off your center, it is body memories. Trying to help yourself realize that the fear is greater than the reality of the moment is a way to help yourself move through this. Fears can be so great and they give so much energy to body memories but once again, keep telling yourself that these events are not happening right now.

Most of all, find someone you can trust and talk to them. Share as much as you can or as little as you can. If you can find someone that will just be there for you during these times even if it is to sit with you until you feel safe again, do it. For someone that is around people experiencing body memories, sometimes the most you can do for a person in this state is just be there with them and stay with them. The support of someone during this time is tremendous, even if you feel you are not doing much for them. Keep reassuring them that they are ok and that they are going to be ok even though they feel like they won't be. Sometimes, touching them in these moments may not be the best thing unless they can differentiate between you and the act going on. You have to be very grounded yourself to touch them during these times and be prepared for all kinds of emotions to surface.

Body memories are rough and I've went through many episodes of them. Sometimes it gets easier and sometimes it is still rough. Just having support of others who care means so much and helping remind myself that this too shall pass gives me another ounce of energy to make it through the day.

Additional Reading:

• Body Memories
  
• Body Memories or Somatic Memories
  
• What Your Child Remembers
• What Is A Body Memory
  

Happy Endings NOT

Like many other massage therapists, there comes a moment when a client or potential client feels that a massage is nothing more than something sexual. Some may just assume since you are a massage therapist that it is a front for some type of sexual business. Some may refer to it as a massage with a happy ending. There are many different ways and forms that this takes from the very subtle to the outright direct requests.

I do know some massage therapists will cave in to the pressure of extra money while disregarding their ethics, morals and the real purpose they most likely wanted to learn massage. In fact, I remember one former massage therapist telling me of one of his adventures that he bragged about until I said, look - I don't want to hear it! Fortunately he is no longer a massage therapist.

It wasn't easy for me to bring this up on this blog because I'd like to pretend in many ways that it does not exist or it only exists in a few cases. Yet, I know and I get confronted with it even if it is in a somewhat joking manner. I did not go into massage to do things sexually for others. I am so repulsed by that thought that I can barely find a coherent sentence to say what I want to say.

My father used to get me to always massage his neck or back when I was a kid. While I now am understanding that I had a special touch and sense in my hands, it was how my abilities got mangled up into something I had no desire to do that caused great distress for me. While the initial request to massage his neck or back which hurt, was most likely legitimate, there were times that it led to things, no child should ever have to do with a parent. And for many years, the healing ability that I was given was mixed up with the not so good things I endured. It took a long time to get myself to the point of being able to go to massage school and learn this skill without the sexual stuff trying to take place.

One of the types of body work I prefer is the modalities that allow the person to keep their clothes on. I'm so much more comfortable working with someone in this way than having a draped but unclothed person lying on a massage table. Maybe the triggers of my past are still very prevalent. I have found that I can be just as effective through the clothes of someone as I can without the clothes. There is no difference for me in that. And it allows me to escape past some of the sexual innuendos and games that too many want to play when getting a massage.

More importantly though than my own triggers that I face is that so many in our country do not understand what massage is really about nor what it means to live in our bodies. To be touched in a safe, supportive and non-judgmental way is one of the most healthiest things we can give our bodies. Yet, many of us have been taught that to be touched is something that is equal to sex and sex is touch. While that may be true, touch in its purest form is what should be the norm in our society. There are so many examples of this around us if we only open our eyes and look at them.

I'm here to say, that if you allow yourself to be touched in a safe, supportive and non-judgmental manner, your life will positively change in many ways. The knowledge that we can gain from ourselves through touch and the metamorphosis that can take place are far greater gifts than we could ever give ourselves. Touch may be a part of sex but wholesome touch is not sex, it is much greater than that.

My hope is that anyone reading this will be a little more informed as to what massage is and what it is not. Most massage therapists do not like to have clients confuse sex and massage because it diminishes the gifts they have. Those massage therapists that do cross the lines are not only violating the code of ethics they adhere to as part of their license but they are degrading one of the most basic human concepts which is touch. Please don't fool yourself or others into thinking that crossing the line is ok.

If you do not get regular massage or bodywork done, you are missing out on so much. The body is a storehouse of so much information and sometimes that brief moment of touch can yield so much for our lives. It can truly be a beautiful thing if we allow it to be. If you're unsure about what massage should be or have questions, please feel free to ask me. I'll do my best to answer it.

From Paralysis and Fear Through Touch

Note: For a licensed print ready version, click here.

Imagine a 25 year old guy laying in a hospital bed and struggling to talk, move all parts of his body and remember basic things like his name. There was no car accident and no disease. The muscles had the same tone in them as they had before this time.

Just days before, this same guy had been an average hard working person just trying to make it in life. Of course he had the usual aches and pains that everyone has and he had been getting medical attention to deal with all of this. Of course most of the doctors didn’t have the slightest clue what to do in this situation. After a severe episode of seizures, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital only to be sent home because they found nothing wrong with him.

As the situation worsened, family and friends once again took him to seek additional medical help. Fortunately this time a neurologist knew to ask the right questions which began the road of healing for this young man. He had been diagnosed with a condition known as a conversion disorder.

Conversion disorders are technically known as Somatoform Disorders which involve physical bodily symptoms that suggest there is a medical problem when in fact no medical condition can be found. Symptoms may include anything from chronic pain, blindness, and deafness to paralysis of the arms and legs, and seizures. Conversion Disorders are estimated to occur in about 15 out of 100,000 people. It is a very rare condition.

If you have not figured out by now who this person is, it was me. I suffered through this condition in 1991 and have fought hard to overcome the effects of it. Although some sources indicate there is no treatment for the disorder, most people would not be able to tell I suffered through paralysis to the point that my brain was shutting down on me.

As part of my continued healing, I spent many years undergoing counseling and therapy to overcome the effects of this condition. With conversion disorders, there is usually an underlying emotional situation such as child abuse that goes to the root cause. I did suffer through intense child abuse as a kid and I have had to deal with the effects that this brought into my life.

For a long time in my life, I struggled with touch. Since my body was beaten and sexually abused as a kid, touch and closeness to other humans was not something that was a comfort to me. Yet at the same time, I longed for touch and I longed to be close to people because it was a very lonely life.

Several years ago, I started trying to receive massage from a very good licensed massage therapist in NC. This lady was very professional and tried to make sure she could do whatever it took to help me begin accepting touch as something good, healthy and beneficial. I think I made it through about 3 sessions before what she was doing just triggered me to past events. I still remember leaving her office that day, so silent and withdrawn, not able to say what was going on and afraid of her even though she was doing a fantastic job. Of course it was not her that I was afraid of, it was the touch.

More healing took place in my life which allowed me for the first time to accept touch in a healthy and wholesome way. As time went, I began to trust a very special person in my life and touch became so much easier than it had ever been in my life. However I went through some very intense periods where a hug would leave me feeling nauseated and I would feel at times like my skin was crawling with bugs. Even with all of the struggles I faced, my body longed to be touched and to actually feel the touch and feel the goodness that it held.

After a life changing event where I lost my mom to a car accident, I began to contemplate the future direction of my life and the role the universe was asking me to play in it. Amazingly with all of the touch issues I struggled with, I was drawn to massage school. Just before massage school, I once again had a massage and it was actually something that was a much more enjoyable experience for me. I knew that I was drawn to massage school for some reason but was not totally sure why at that point nor was I sure if I could handle learning how to touch others. Fortunately, I trusted my intuition enough and took a giant leap of faith into massage school.

I felt so at home at Educating Hands School of Massage and I felt like I would be able to learn how to trust others. So as time went and we began doing the touch on each other, I was so frightened. My body didn’t know how to take all of this and so most of the time, it just shut down to what I was feeling. I know several of my classmates were frustrated when we tried to give feedback about the massage and I had no words to describe it because I could not feel it. I knew that the massage was not bad, but I absolutely could not feel it.

With time and continued massage day after day, my body began to wake up. It started to see for the first time in my entire life just what touch was. It was like a miracle to me and as I began to feel the touch of my classmates in my body, I began to feel and sense through my fingers wonderful things that were going on inside of those people I got to work on. As school progressed and the experiences continued to come my way, my body became more awake and alive. Life started to change in dramatic ways for me.

Last July, I again followed intuition and attended a workshop by Dr. Paul Canali on the Enteric Brain. It was at this workshop that I heard someone speak a language about the body which my body fully understood and realized that no one else had ever spoken in this way. Through my continued work with Dr. Canali’s, “Unified Healing Therapy”, I am for the first time in my life becoming totally aware of what it means to live in my body. I’m actually experiencing what it means to reach a relaxed state far from the anxiety, depression and abuse that I suffered from all of my life. Touch is becoming so much more alive in me and life is becoming more beautiful with each new day of awareness that I am introduced to.

Working with people who struggle with touch takes a great deal of patience, understanding, compassion, sensitivity and non judgment. There are others out there like myself who may come across your massage table and I hope that you realize from my story that touch is sometimes a very scary thing but you may just be one of the healing stones for that person on their journey. From first hand experience, I know there is hope for each and everyone of these people and while the journey may get rough, it is well worth it in the end.