Triggered At The Movies

(by Survive, Thrive And Conquer, Matt)

As invalidating and frustrating as being triggered is, I also find it a bit fascinating to explore why these memories happen and what circumstances can cause them to pop back up.

My blog normally involves topics surrounding being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and narcissistic abuse, but I also explore relationships the struggles that survivors often have. After all, being a survivor and simply a member of the human race means that we are involved in all types of relationships.

Triggers can hit at virtually any time, especially early on in recovery and also as we continue on and explore more of our past.  One of those places that can be particularly troublesome is watching a movie or TV show.

One such recent event struck me out of the blue, and although looking back I might have seen it coming, but as always, it’s important not to shame ourselves for what we could have or should have done. Those shoulds and coulds are dangerous waters for survivors.

Anyway, I’ve been triggered before while watching TV or at the theater, and while it’s always a bit of a predictable experience, I have learned to sit with the feelings, not stuff them, and validate myself what I feel. It will usually pass in a relatively short period of time.

This recent experience last a bit longer than recent past triggering events, but the deeper part of this event was that I triggered feelings of past relationships. Specifically, a marriage that ended about 3 ½ years ago,.  While it’s been awhile, I admit, it’s still fresh in mind more often than I care to admit.

This was a situation that I shared with a trusted friend when I felt those familiar feelings of guilt, sadness, and wondering what will become of me in the future relationship department.

Sitting in the theater with my popcorn and diet coke, nothing really took hold in my mind until near the end of the flick. As the final climatic scenes unfolded, the flashbacks of what once was also began unfolding.

This was the same type of movie that I would have watched with my wife; the kind of movie that she would have had to convince me to go see. I would have come up with every excuse not to go, in fun of course, knowing full well I was going to see it anyway. It was a game of sorts, a tradition that became part of who we were.

It was something we would laugh about and became part of who we were as a couple. Those types of memories aren’t easily forgotten.

As the movie ended, I felt overwhelmed with emotions as I quickly exited the theater. Part of me wanted to stay, while the other part of me wanted vacate that place at the speed of light.  Making it to the car, I sat there in the quiet darkness reflecting of how things would have been if she were there with me.

She would be crying at the end, halfheartedly trying to hide the tears, while I sat there trying to act like it was no big deal. I’d look over and give her that predictable look and say:

“You aren’t crying, are you?”

“No”, she would say as she began to smile and laugh.

“What did you think?” she says…

“It sucked” I replied.

“I knew you would like it” she would say.

Of course, I usually did like it, but I always played along because it was our thing.

I couldn’t sit here and tell you that I wasn’t affected even if I wanted too. I’m not ashamed one bit to admit it.  I miss those times, and even though they are long gone, I still fondly remember things just like that.

This particular trigger will likely pop up again in a similar situation. It reminds me of a time when things seemed good, normal, and safe. Even though the marriage ultimately ended, it’s one of the many good memories that I will cherish. They aren’t tainted because of the ultimate outcome, and it wouldn’t be fair of me to think that they should be.

Movies and TV can affect us as survivors, not only in relationships, but also causing memories of past abuse, invalidation, fear, and loneliness. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or sorry for, it’s part of who we are. Stuffing them aside won’t solve anything, and will only cause them to hit us harder the next time they resurface.

No matter what you get triggered by, know that it’s okay and that there’s nothing wrong with you. It doesn’t mean that you are taking a step back in your healing journey, nor does it mean that you’ll never feel peaceful and fully whole again.

The ebb and flow of life as a survivor of abuse, a survivor of a relationship that didn’t turn out, or anything else, is part of what shapes until the person we are becoming, post trauma.

No matter what friend, you’ll make it through that next trigger whether it’s the result of a movie, or any other situations. Sit with it, validate the feelings, learn from it, and use it to help yourself and others in the future.

If you would like to join Matt on his Twitter weekly chat, just watch for his announcement around 10:30am on Sunday mornings.  @SurvivingMyPast

-Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)



 

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Matt is a regular columnist on Mind Body Thoughts.  He writes Survive, Thrive and Conquer monthly column.  This article is written by Matt.

To learn more about him and see all his other articles, go to Matt's Page, Survive, Thrive And Conquer.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Sometimes We Fall Flat On Our Face

It happens to me!  I wish it didn't and I wish I was far enough beyond it sometimes.  However, sometimes I just fall flat on my face.

Yes, I know - that it is what we do with that after we fall flat on our face that matters.  Picking ourselves up and inserting any appropriate cliche' is how we focus.  Yet, when we fall flat, sometimes the bruises hurt.

I won't go into specifics here, but if you want to know more, read the blog post, Triggered By My Cats, from yesterday and it will give you a better idea.  It is one of my all time difficult triggers that actually was the moment where Conversion Disorder fully showed up in me.  It took me years to discover and understand that!

I'm doing better than I was yesterday.  Yesterday, it was overwhelming to me.  Yesterday it engulfed every bit of my being, my brain, my body, and my emotions.  The trigger left me standing there numbed and disconnected, angry and enraged. It blinded me with confusion.  It pushed me to hide far away from anyone and everyone.

How quickly it happened...

I felt flat on my face.  Just as I was making it and gaining ground, it hit me.  It frightens me to think of how fast it struck and how quickly it happened.  It frightens me to know that it lurks around the corner, just waiting to pounce.

I feel helpless when it appears. I feel as if I don't even have a split second to try and contain it or think about it differently.  It is a major trigger.  It slapped me hard.  And yet - I've done so much work on this, but it sneaked up from behind and attacked me.

We pick up the pieces...

Yes, I've healed.  I've come a long ways.  I post this, not out of a desire for sympathy, but to help others see that sometimes we just fall flat on our face.  And that's OK!  Yes, its okay to fall flat on our face.  We just have to pick up the pieces tomorrow and do what we need to do to keep going.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it and put some happy thought or meme in place to say if I think this way or that way, its magically better.  I recognize and realize, that this too is part of my healing, as difficult as it gets at time.  Healing is an ongoing process.

I'm writing this just to let others know that you're not alone when you fall flat on your face.  Yes, it may feel that way.  Yes, you may temporarily forget everything you've learned and lose site of how much you have healed.  That's all normal that this moment.

However, just look for the rope at the top of the cliff and try to reach out for it, grabbing it one hand hold at a time.  Use it to pull yourself back up.  Most likely there will be someone up there steadying the rope and offering help as you struggle to climb back up the cliff.

Don't lose hope if you've fallen flat on your face because sometimes it is what happens.  It's the point where we hopefully get to heal another piece of our life.  Just don't lose hope!

#Pets

 

 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Triggered By My Cats

No... don't ...

No pets... don't you understand?

Don't do that.

Please don't do that!

The scenario that played over and over so many times as a kid.  Rarely did my pets ever get to come inside and if they did, I often had to sneak them in.

Well, sneaking means I sneaked them through the front door, but then since we had absolutely no privacy growing up, it was hard to keep it a secret.

Unfortunately, our pets were not used to being inside.  I don't know why they weren't allowed to stay inside, but they weren't.  It didn't matter if the nights were subzero temperatures.  It didn't matter what, they just had to stay outside.

The monster would be after them...

Most of them weren't used to letting me know they had to go outside to go to the bathroom.  They made a mess from time to time and of course, when they did - the monster would be after them.

I would see their little heads and faces ground down into the carpet into the mess they made.  The monster would show them once and for all never to do this again.  He'd throw a fit.  He'd make them learn.

I would watch in terror, wanting to rescue them but not able to do a thing.  You didn't dare lift a finger or raise a voice to the monster.  He would lay you flat on the ground and beat you until you could no longer feel a thing.  There was nothing you could do to stop the torture. You had to watch it and hear it and silently cry within.

If the monster got real mad...

If the monster got real mad, he'd pick up the cat, open the door and toss it up in the air.  The cat would go sailing in the sky and somehow land and run away.  I would cringe every time I saw this.  My heart would skip a beat.  I would hold my breath in terror.

And if the monster got real real mad, he'd just kill them.  He'd find a way to drown them in a gunny sack in a river or crush them or whatever method he deemed appropriate.  There was no stopping the judge and executioner.  I was powerless to stop him and I still hate myself to this day for that.  Yet, I was a small child.

I still remember doing the dishes as he shut my little kittens in the cellar door.  They had just been born recently.  I loved the grey one and the charcoal color one.  I had started to name them.  One was smokey.  I would sing to him, "On top of old smokey".  Yet, the monster killed them.

I instinctively knew what happened...

I heard the sounds.  I heard their little meows and screams.  The monster went outside pretending he needed something from the cellar.  Then the screams and meows increased.  The door slammed.  The meows stopped.  I instinctively knew what happened.

I started crying trying to wash the dishes.  As the monster stepped back inside, I was told to grow up and not be a cry baby.  I was told that it was a mistake.  I was given a half fake explanation as to what happened backed up by the monster's lover.

No more did little smokey get to play and listen to me sing.  No more did the Charcoal and the little kittens have a chance at a life.  No more were my new little friends to be around me.

So, when my cats did something wrong, I would be frightened that they would be killed too.  The monster was merciless.  He didn't care.  In fact, the more the kittens showed me they loved me, the more likely it was that he would take them away.

Hoped the monster didn't find out...

I cringed when they did something wrong for I had to hide it and hope the monster didn't find out.  Hardly was I ever successful.  I often failed the cats and pets.

As a kid I watched the movie, The Planet Of the Apes.  It scared the daylights out of me.  However, I found myself hoping and dreaming that the cats and dogs of this world would rise up and rule the humans.  I wished and hoped and prayed that they would claw the eyes of the humans out and cause as much pain and harm to them as they did my own pets.

It never happened.  I still live with those sounds.  I still live with those images.  I cannot erase them from my mind.  They haunt me with every breath I take.

Today, I got triggered.  Today, the trigger got the best of me.  It turned into anger and a rage directed at no one, but at everyone.  Today, I failed once again.

I know one thing, if anyone ever tries to harm my pets, they or I will most likely not be alive.  I will not allow anyone to harm them.  They mean more to me than my own life.  Animals rank higher in life than my own self.  They always have.

I can still hear their screams.

I wish I could have protected them.

I wish I would not have failed so many times.

#Triggers

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Control Is Fertile Grounds For Abuse

I tweeted this out the other day because I see many parallels to current events that were identical to what I went through as a kid.  I take no pleasure in this connection.

It is extremely triggering to me.  It allows me to see things from a different perspective because I have lived through them once before.  The triggers are overwhelming right now and I really have to modulate my time seeing some events unfold.

I know I'm not alone.  I know others have had to deal with this very same thing, especially those that have endured child sexual abuse.  In order for abuse to take place, there needs to be someone in control.  That person in control has absolute power over not only the victim, but all those associated with them.

The tweet I wrote was, "I grew up in a home where you could not disagree with those in charge.  It allowed abuse to flourish.  It was brainwashing."

I grew up in a home where you could not disagree with those in charge. It allowed abuse to flourish. It was brainwashing.

— Don Shetterly (@mindbodythought) November 19, 2016

Not only was I sexually abused as a child, but the brainwashing that followed me every day of my life was one that I still struggle with today.  I was taught how to think, what to say and what to do.  At no time was I allowed to make my own decisions or follow what I thought or felt.  I was not allowed to say anything that went against what the supreme ruler dictated in our family.  The minister in the church was just as bad as what I faced at home.

Of course, the supreme ruler and his subordinates will be the first ones to claim I'm the one that is crazy.  They will say I was led to say these things by others.  They will claim that they gave me nothing but love and respect.  They will claim that they were great and loving.  They will claim that I was always allowed to think and say and do what I needed to.  They will claim, I am wrong and have no clue what I am saying.  They will claim, I was brainwashed by others outside of the family and church.

Their ego is too large...

You see, those that control others will never admit they are wrong.  Their ego is too large.  I used to think that people who controlled others were very strong, but I've since learned that they are so fearful of everything in life.  They are so full of fear that they will do anything to keep others in their line of thinking and control, so as to not allow them to touch their own vulnerability.  They will not risk anyone seeing the real person they are and they do that by controlling and abusing others.

But, it isn't just the ones that control others that allow horrible abuse to take place.  It is those that sit on the sidelines with their eyes closed.  They were just as plentiful back in the days I was being abused and raped and to this day, they still sit with their eyes closed.  You cannot care about others and have love if you sit by and watch others be abused.

Humanity is not about the control of one another even though it appears that way at this moment.  Humanity is about working together and coming to know more of who we are each and every day we are alive.  It is about inspiring one another to be more than we are and reaching for the outer limits of what we cannot see in this moment.

Control and manipulation and abuse are not signs of a strong person.  They are signs of a weak person.  A strong person allows someone to say and think and do what seems normal to them, while honoring and respecting that individual as a human being.  A weak person just controls and holds everyone down, thereby extinguishing the flame within us.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Helpless and Weary From Despair - Part 4

This is part 4 of a four part series.  Please read Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 before this one.

I started to try and get myself out of the house, even if it was for a little bit.  I was so afraid of monsters hiding everywhere that my anxiety would be at an all time high trying to do this.  I trusted my partner enough to feel safe to take these steps.  Sometimes my anxiety would get so high that my anger would spill over onto everything around me as a way to protect myself.

I started to ask the angels for help.  Think whatever you want to of angels, but I know they are there.  I have felt them and seen them and I know they are with me.  Some people see them as religious figures, but that's not how I see them at all.  I know that sometimes I stop believing in them and that's when I truly feel all alone.  I started to tell them more and more that I had no idea what I needed, but I needed help.  I could not articulate it.

Difficult to know what I needed...

I could not articulate what I needed.  I didn't know.  I didn't have the slightest clue.  That was my starting point.  I was at rock bottom.  I had no way to go but forward.  The only way I could have went further down would have been if I would have been successful in ending my life.

I began to pose the question to myself, what do I need?  How do I get out of this?  What do I need to do?  It was the only thing I knew.  It was the only way out I could see.  Yet, I didn't believe it.  I didn't think there was hope.  The only thing I had was questions.

As I began to ask the questions repeatedly and hoping that an answer would show up, I soon started to find there were things I was attracted to in my day.  There were things that interested me.  They were not the things that I thought my life was about.  They were not in the form that I had been trying to push my life into.  They were different.

I would be letting myself down...

It scared me to think of this.  I kept wanting to prove to myself that I had to be in the role I was in.  I had a healing office and how could I think anything different.  I would be letting others down.  I would be letting myself down.  I despised every part of this life I had built, but it was what I knew.  It was what I thought I had to be in that moment.

So to keep the fears at bay, I hunkered down into the things that I enjoyed doing and that were bringing me some peace, joy, and contentment in my day.  It seemed strange and odd.  These were not normal things for me, but even being mundane, they kept me focused.  They helped energize me and propel me.

As I continued on, I knew that I had to make some tough decisions.  I knew I had to stop disconnecting from life and begin feeling my body and all the sensations in life that were there, even if they were horrible.  I had to allow myself the possibility of connecting with others, but also the possibility that I could get hurt again.  The pain was still very raw and is at the time of writing this, but I'm consciously making a choice to do more and go further than where I am currently.

I cannot see far ahead...

There are times that I sit here and struggle with how all of this is coming together.  I cannot see that far ahead.  I get glimpses of fragmented thoughts and feelings, but to say I can see the road ahead would be inaccurate.  I am just going where my heart feels joy and I enjoy doing the things in a day that I am.  If it doesn't feel good, I am learning to turn and see the thing that does.

The decisions kept showing up that I needed to make.  I struggled and fought with them.  I avoided them.  I knew they were there, but I didn't want anything to do with them.  It has been agony thinking about it and every time I thought I would get closer to a decision, doubts flooded my existence and my thoughts.

Finally I made the decision to close down the healing office.  I was not bringing in revenue and my savings was quickly disappearing.  At this point, I'm not sure what fully lies ahead.  It has been a tough week of saying goodbye to the office that I had hoped would be the next wave of life for me.

I'm saddened by all of this.  It is a deep sadness. I struggle with feeling like a failure, but am trying to see that it is not a failure.  Yet, it is hard to convince my mind of that.  I'm not sure where all of this is leading.  I still feel a strong connection to it, but right now I feel like I was trying to push myself into a role that I just did not see for myself at this moment.

I had to get my life back...

I had to get my life back.  I had to find myself.  I have to let myself go into these moments of uncertainty.  Creating in the unknown is where I find myself at this point.  In many ways, it is out with the old and in with the new.  The only thing is I don't know what the new is.  It is a mystery in some ways.  In other ways, I think I have a part of it figured out.

I'm scared of running out of money which is not far away.  I'm scared of how I will monetize the things that I love to do because I've struggled with this.  I try to have hope, but the doubts flood my mind like a tropical storm downpour.

For now, I keep my focus on what makes my heart happy and what I love to do.  I'm trying to stay focused on only that for the moment in hopes the rest will unfold in my mind.

I'm not sure how to reach out to those that have probably been hurt by my withdraw in life, but that's for another day and moment.  I can only bring my life back online so quickly.  I know I went to a very horrible place in life these past few months, but in many ways, I think I had to.  I think I had to travel here to find my way back.

Maybe instead of torment, maybe it is just out with the old as the new waits to arrive.

This story will most likely continue.  This is just the point where I've gotten to and why it ends at this point.  I had to write and get this out.  I'm writing it more for myself than I am for anyone reading it.  

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Helpless and Weary From Despair - Part 3

This is part 3 of a four part series.  Please read part 1 and part 2 before this one.

I've made great strides in life, but when you're ambushed with one tsunami trigger after another, its hard to keep your head above water, let alone care if you do.

Time and time again, I tried to make sense of my day, my life and the moment I was living in.  It felt like a cruel hell had been shoved at me with no way to escape.  It was like a moment of all moments for a lifetime of hell and torment.  Church people say that when we die, we either go to heaven or hell.  For me, I've already lived through hell in my life.  I've lived through hell many times over.

Memories still locked in my cells...

I can't imagine things much worse than  being hit, beat, emotionally abused, physically abused, sexually raped and molested almost every day of my life.  I've been through more than I can consciously recall, but the remnants of those memories never fully leave.  They are still locked in parts of my many trillion cells.  I'm still working to rid them all.

As the days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, I had to find a way out.  I was locked in this prison I had built around myself and somehow I had to find a way through it.  I had to find a way beyond it.  It was overwhelming to know where to start.  It seemed like I would never have the courage to get past it.  It felt like there was no way out.  It felt to me like there was no hope.

I wasn't about to go on medication because I hate medication and I personally don't think it would have helped me.  I didn't tell anyone that I wanted to kill myself almost every day as I knew that would scare people and frighten them.  I just held it all inside.  It was safer that way.

I knew I had to find a way forward...

I knew that I had to start finding a way forward.  I could not continue to stay in the place I was in.  I knew I had to find this on my own.  It was not something I could expect others to do or rely on them to do for me.  For when I reached out, there seemed to be no one reaching back to me.  I had to do it, as hard as it was and as much as I didn't believe was possible.

Each day, I started to try and focus on one small little thing I could do.  It didn't matter how small or insignificant it was, I knew I had to start focusing on something.  Even if it was mundane, I didn't care.  Sometimes I knew from the past that the mundane tasks were a way to grab on to the rails in life so I could focus on going forward.  I remember doing that after the paralysis.  It wasn't about the big steps.  It was about the small little tidbits of the big steps that got me healing.

I tried to focus on the little things and if it was only one small thing for the day, I considered that to be a good day.  I wasn't interested in how much I could do, but that I could just do something.  With any doubts and fears that tried to stop me, I just tried to navigate past them without them noticing.  I had no strength to overcome them.  It was almost too much to navigate around them.

I kept trying to build upon the previous day if I could and if I could not, then attempting to do one small thing was the accomplishment for the day.  Doing something was far more empowering to me, then the quantity or quality or relevance of what it was.

I allowed myself time to rest...

I started to take time to just allow myself to rest and not push myself to do anything I didn't want to do.  I stopped going to online places where I felt ignored and unwanted.  I stopped worrying as much as I could that if no one called me back, it just didn't matter.  It was too much for me to think anyone wanted me at that point.  It was more than I could take.

I spent time with my cats, playing and holding them.  I spent time just absorbing their love that they had for me.  I welcomed their touch and how they licked my hair.  I welcomed their meows and other conversations they would have with me.  I welcomed their unconditional love.  Animals are my connection to life, a life that is not one of use and abuse.  Animals are a higher life form in my view.

I began having some email conversations with a couple of people who encouraged me to keep going.  One individual that didn't care if we talked about the torment of the day, but just talked about things that were anything but this.  It helped to just have a little connection that I could control and regulate and hold back from if I needed to in my day.

A little more each day...

I began to do a little more each day and week that went by.  I spent time in my hammock listening to the birds sing in the trees during the early morning hours.  I watched the squirrels run and play and scamper back and forth on the fence.  I watched the butterflies flutter around from one place to another.

I watched the trees sway from one position to the next as if they were basking in the new sunlight of the morning.  They seemed to just take in everything from the light to the wind and breeze.  Their leaves began turning from a deadened grey and brown tree to a vibrant green veil of color and beauty.

I began to use the resperate breathing machine not for lowering blood pressure, but helping to get me to breathe.  The more I used it, the more I realized just how much it was taking tension from my body.  I realized that as I used it, my body was relaxing more and more.  Some of the fear and anger were being replaced by a peacefulness.  It might have not always lasted long in the day, but just to feel that was empowering and helped me get from one moment to the next.

This continues to Part 4 - posted on 6/26/16 of a four part series.

(click here for Part 4)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Helpless and Weary From Despair - Part 2

This is part 2 of a four part series.  Please read part 1 first.

I contacted a lady who I had been to for healing sessions in the past and obviously the years had started to get to her.  She barely remembered me and her coherence came and went.  It was sad because she was someone I considered to be a friend and important part of my life.

I tried to contact someone else that I knew, hoping that they would help me find my footing.  The call went unanswered.  The voice mail messages went into oblivion.

I felt lost and alone...

At this point, I felt lost and alone.  I had my partner and two cats, but for the most part, I felt like no one else gave a shit in the world about me.  It isn't uncommon for me to experience this because that's the experiences I endured one too many times throughout my life.

Sleep became difficult.  Body pain in my shoulders and arms grew with intensity.  It was difficult functioning and doing most anything, but I trudged on.  I was tired and worn out.  I barely had enough energy to get up each day and wait for the hours to pass before I went to bed at night again.

I really didn't care if I went on.  I knew that ending my life would hurt at least one person I knew far too much and so I just kept trying to hang on from second to second.  The depression came in full force.  Anxiety was quickly becoming my go-to-device.  Depression and anxiety became me and I became them.

I felt nothing but sadness...

I felt almost nothing but sadness.  I just wanted to hide.  I wanted no one to be close to me.  I shut off everyone that I could.  It was safer and much easier for me to deal with than allowing anyone else to hurt me further.

My business stopped.  There were no clients except the ones that wanted to use me and I just ignored their calls.  Why go back to them I questioned?  I felt like a failure.  I felt hopeless.

I waited to see if anyone would contact me, email me, text me or call me.  There was silence.  I waited and hoped, but once again, there was nothing but silence.  I sunk deeper into depression and despair.

Then the snakes showed up...

Then the snakes started showing up in the yard.  I remember the day when I almost stepped on one as I walked out the door.  I could barely catch my breath.  I could barely speak.  I froze in fear.  Then, one after another, I kept seeing snakes almost every day.

The nights turned into one horrible nightmare of seeing snakes the minute I tried to shut my eyes.  My anxiety was so high that I could barely go anywhere without feeling a full rush of fear come over me.  I was scared of every noise.  I was scared of the thought of a snake getting into the house.  I was scared of the word snake.  I was scared of walking out the door.

I was scared of going to the store or letting anyone see me.  I was scared of going to the office because what if one of those people were waiting to just hurt me and abuse me and use me some more.  I was scared of being scared.

My pulse rate soared...

My pulse rate soared to a constant 99 and my body felt like I was sitting in a furnace all day long.  All my energy was wiped out from me.  It was as if I no longer had control of who I was or what I was or what I even cared to be.

I wanted to reach out, but to who?  I wanted to reach out, but I was afraid that I would get silence in return.  I wanted to reach out, but I could not deal with any rejection, not even one tenth of an ounce.

The house was cold and so every day, I was triggered back to the days of my past when I was beaten and spanked and whipped for having cold hands in the cold Iowa winters.  Yes, my father was an evil man.  Yes, the body of this little boy has a hard time forgetting what he did.

I didn't care if I ate...

I didn't care if I ate.  Food was not appealing.  Sugar and chocolate were the only nutrients that seemed friendly too me.  I struggled to force myself to eat.  I struggled to make sure that I remembered to eat.  If it wasn't for the daily routine of our whole food smoothies, I would probably have been very sick.

Then I saw how sick my father had become from what my brother posted online.  He's banned me but I still have ways of seeing it.  I could really care less if my father leaves this world for all that he did to me growing up.  Yes, I'm a survivor of child sexual abuse.  I really don't care if my older brother would leave the world at the same time, for he picked up where my dad left off.  Those two are the most evil people I know and my anger grows at them when I think of them.

Yes, I know forgiveness is crucial, but my memories continue to haunt me.  My memories continue to keep me from completely letting go and I despise how the memories get triggered and show up at times when I can barely keep going.

I'm angry at what I've been through.  There is never a day that my body doesn't remind me.  I long to forget, but I can't fully remember what it is that I need to forget.  I long to distance myself from them, but somehow in this day and age, we're still connected.  I have tried to create my own family, but you can never let go of the biological connection.  It is there whether you think about it or not.

This continues to Part 3 - posted on 6/25/16 of a four part series.

(click here for Part 3)

 

 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Helpless and Weary From Despair - Part 1

This is my first attempt to write this since it happened.  It all started around Thanksgiving and went downhill from there.  A family member was supposed to be in the area and relatives asked me if I wanted to come over for dinner.

Please note that this blog post is part 1 in a 4 part series. Please check back tomorrow for the next post.

If you know anything about my story, you will know the above scenario isn't a good thing.  Its a big trigger.  It makes me want to run, hide, flee, or grab something to defend myself.  There is nothing good about it.  It isn't something I can just look past.

So, of course when Thanksgiving was past, we were heading into Christmas.  Again, if you've read any of my story, you will know how difficult of a time this can be for me.  Sometimes, it is easier than others, but generally speaking, its one stressful and exhausting season.  I think it helps if I find little ways to celebrate and plan things, but this year I did not do that.

Keep in mind, I had just quit a very stressful and exhaustive job a few months earlier.  In addition to dealing with a bully, I had far too many people that used and abused me.  They thought that nonstop travel was a good thing and my coworkers were treating me as if they were jealous two year olds.

From painful memories to more stress...

As we moved through Christmas, I came upon an anniversary of losing my mom which is not an easy thing.  Sometimes it doesn't impact me as hard and other times it does.  It is never easy to tell which way the wind will blow on this.  This year though, I had lost a very close and dear friend the previous year.  I still struggle with losing him and it was not easy and still is not easy.

Adding insult to injury, I was exhausted.  In fact, when I tried to start up my healing services business and seminars, I did not realize to the extent just how exhausted I was.  The night before the first seminar, my legs were barley moving.  I was so tired, I could hardly stand up.  However, I figured that the show must go on and so I pushed on like the good little boy is supposed to do.

After several attempts at seminars and getting almost no response or people attending, I ended up with a "freebie" client.  At first, I thought that this would be nice because I could grow from this point.  However, I soon found out that the freebie client was taking advantage of me and using me.  Even though they claimed poverty, the client and her family let it slip that there was money they could have been paying me.  I felt used and abused like a cheap old wash cloth thrown away in the trash.  There's more I could say here, but I think you get the idea.

In this same time period, I contacted a local organization that I believed in and offered to do a seminar for them.  While I knew it would be free, I thought it would lead to future contacts.  However, they withheld a lot of information from me and hoodwinked me.  Come to find out, I was just a free way for them to do some required monthly training.  They had no intentions of working with me or scratching my back in any way.  Again, I felt used and abused.

Everything seemed to just fail...

Every thing I tried to do seemed to just fail.  Doors not only closed, but they slammed shut!  The person I was working with on advertisement stopped taking my calls and emails.  The client kept trying to get me to promote their "products" and push their stuff on others.

Last but not least, I had a good friend that decided they didn't like the way I was doing things and boy, that went downhill fast.  I still don't understand exactly what happened, but I found myself on the bad end of a nightmare.  A good friend that I trusted was trying to steal people away from me as I was trying to build up my business.  I thought the friend was there for me to help, but I learned that this was anything but the case.  I still remember that final text I read from this friend and how it nearly broke my heart in two.  I remember handing the phone over to my partner and walking out the door crying as hard as I could cry.  The pain hurt so badly from that.

Bewildered, lost and confused...

I was bewildered, lost, confused.  I felt tormented, tried and barely alive.  It was all I could do to hold on for one second, not even imagining I could hold on for a minute or a day.  My life was in turmoil and spiraling downward as fast as it could go.

I took off for the mountains because at that moment, I wanted to get away from anything and everything and anyone.  I could not take one more minute being hurt or questioning anything at that point.  I could not take being close to any other human.  I took off for the mountains and while it was only a few days, it did help.  I just wished it could have been much longer.  Being around the trees, mountains, and a frozen lake is like being in a safe place for me.

Coming back home, I went through more turmoil.  I sat in a fog for days sometimes not even remembering where I was or what was going on.  I was completely disconnected and not sure of where to turn or what to do next.

This continues to Part 2 - posted on 6/24/16 of a four part series.

 (click here for Part 2)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Onion Smell Makes Me Sick

At first it was just the taste.  Now, not only does eating onions make me sick, but the smell of them does as well.  I've known that the smell does bother me, but not quite like what I experienced today.

Today, a nice neighbor brought over some food from a church function that got canceled and she didn't want it to go to waste.  While I'm very happy that she did this, I opened it up and the smell of onions about knocked me over.

Within a matter of minutes, I could feel a headache forming and my head hurt.  I could feel my stomach muscles tightening and I was becoming very nauseated.  All of this from the smell of the onions in the food.  I had not tasted or ate the food at this point.

In the past, I know that the smell of onions has brought on an immediate and intense anger within me.  One time I was in a hotel meeting room and they were serving food nearby that had an onion smell.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I needed to exit the room or I might have gone postal.

Another time, I was taking a nap and someone heated up food with onions in the microwave.  The smell of the cooked onions literally woke me up and the next thing I found myself racing down the stairs in a rage.  It took me a couple of minutes to realize that I needed to stop in my tracks and find a different place quickly.

One time, we were walking into a restaurant and the smell of onions almost knocked me off my feet.  I had to immediately get out of there before the rage and anxiety got the best of me.

In fact, just writing about this, I can feel my stomach tense up and begin to hurt.  I can feel a nauseated feeling.  I can feel a little light headed as I write this.  If I got up from my chair right now, I'm not sure I could stand up straight.

A few days ago, I experienced smelling the onions and garlic in the produce section and thinking it was body odor from someone around me.

While I know enough about somatic type triggers, I'm beginning to suspect there is something behind the scenes working on me.  I suspect there is a trigger of some sort with the onion and garlic smell and taste.  It just seems logical.

At this point, I have no idea what is behind this or what is going on.  I've struggled with this for years and as the days go, it intensifies and gets much worse.

While I'd love to solve this one and move past it, I've had too much experience in the past that more horrible stuff will be exposed.  I'm not sure how ready I am to deal with yet another round of stuff in life from my past.

For now, I am just recording this to see how things play out.  It makes absolutely no sense to me at this moment.

You may also want to read what I recently wrote on the possible connection between onions, garlic and body odor.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Triggers

Announcement!  Announcement!  They are everywhere ladies and gentleman.  Look for them in your closets, your doorways, the trees outside or on the roadways.  Triggers will show up everywhere they can.

I know, we're taught to ignore the triggers and act like grown up adults.  We're the ones in control and we don't let those little pesky triggers rule our day.  That's for those that don't have their lives together, right?

WRONG!

Triggers are everywhere.  They lurk in the shadows and sometimes meet us at the waters edge.  They show up when we least expect it and often while we are running so fast, they outpace us.

Triggers can take you down to your knees or they can just continue to allow you to feed by nibbling on them each day.  Triggers can present themselves as the sustenance to your life while all the time sneaking up on you from behind.

Triggers can make us think we are dying or they can make us think we are experiencing something we are not.  Triggers are very good at being deceptive and altering their appearance so as to not be detected.

Often triggers leave you lying by the roadside as if you were kicked out of a moving car.  They leave you for dead as if someone that has been beat down so badly in life.  They run over you like a speed bump.

The thing though about triggers is that they are just that - a trigger.  They really don't have power or control over you, unless you give it to them.  They really don't have an agenda, other then to show up and ambush you.

Yes, they are everywhere.  Yes, we can be impacted by them daily whether we want to see them or not.  The trick though is to recognize when they show up and let them know who is boss.  After all, they are not the boss of your life.

Triggers can be tough to deal with and believe me, I know that first hand.  Sometimes they sneak up on me so quickly, I barely know they have attacked.

Sometimes it takes me awhile to see what has happened, but if I can hold my awareness and stay conscious, then I have the option of taking back my power from them.  It may be easy to give our power up to them, but we can also take it back.

So, the next time you see a trigger advance, take note of it and identify it.  Let it know that you are calling it out of the shadows and that you are the one in control.   If it has already attacked, just do a post game analysis and be more prepared for it the next time the trigger tries to attack.

To read more, check out the articles on Triggers at Somatosync.com.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/28/15 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Panic And Rage

That moment that happens in your day.  That second when you go from complete stillness to all our panic and rage.  That moment where you feel that you are losing control and you become so angry with yourself that you can't modulate life better.

If that describes you in any way, just know that you're not alone.  I've worked for years on this issue and while I've made progress, there are still moments that panic and rage happen before I can even think about what is happening.  Some moments in life are worse than others and some are better than others.

There are certain triggers like the thumping of a bass sound from a car stereo that will drive me absolutely crazy.  There are triggers like being in a store with the isles having several people or shopping carts in them leaving me feeling trapped.

Fear Of Surrender Holding Hands

There I was, sitting in the room and all of the sudden... thump da thump da thump goes the music.  Its the sound that immediately takes me back to a moment in my past that is so hard to manage.  Much like a war vet suffering from PTSD, a startling noise resembling a bomb can set them off and so it is with me.  The loud base sound of music is my startling noise.  It is a trigger. 

I've come a long ways in healing on this issue.  In fact, I can now tolerate for many minutes, a car sitting next to me with their base sound so loud it vibrates everything within 100 feet.  I've come a long ways in my healing, where I can now allow my hand to be held or hold hands with my partner.

For a long time, holding hands was something I would not do.  It was frightening and scary.  It was as if it was my startling noise where I was being pinned down on the bed and raped as a thirteen year old boy.  No matter how much I wanted that feeling of holding hands and that shared moment with my partner, I just couldn't get over the fear.  I was so triggered by it.

Triggered By Sounds

Have you ever been triggered by sounds?  If you have suffered any type of trauma, I am sure you know completely what I am talking about.  The following article I published on Somatosync.com is my account of one trigger that has plagued me for most of my life.  I could never figure this out for the longest time and then suddenly, the lights went on in my brain.  While I make this sound easy and simple, it has been a process that has been anything but this.  I'm just relieved that the picture of the trigger is now one that I can vividly see and comprehend, regardless of how difficult the memories are.

To read Triggered By Sounds, click this link.

Triggers In Walmart

Triggers In Walmart

The other day in the store, I had one of those experiences with another shopper that you would just like to forget.  It was in Walmart of all places.  Sometimes that can be a challenge to shop there because it is a wide mix of people who are in a hurry and far too often have very little respect for anyone else.  However, the experience happened right before my eyes and my mind and body didn't recognize it for the trigger it was.

When I got home, I was still fuming and fussing about what had transpired in the store.  I shared it with a couple of friends and in all reality, what I wrote to them was not very respectful to the shoppers in the store.  One friend of mine called me out on it and she was right.  Even though I felt violated, I had no right to talk about the people in the way that I did.

The thing was, I did not even realize just how much I was triggered by this event and how far I escaped out of reality in my mind and body.  It was not until this friend of mine called me out on it, that I began to realize just how big the trigger was for me.  It was like I had gone to some place in outer space and was not even present with what was going on.

Dealing With Painful Moments In life

At Linnville Falls, NC
Painful Moments In Life

The other day, I experienced some moments that trigger me back to a time of pain in my life.  I'd rather not go into specific details in public but it has a lot to do with the trauma I suffered through in my past.  None of it is ever easy and while I have made progress, there are times when these things hit me like a freight train at top speed!

The holiday season are always a tough time for me, so any reminders and connections to the past make things much more difficult.  Yet, that's what happened the other day.  I'm still trying to find center in all of this and to be honest, my mind keeps questioning, why - at this time of the year, is this coming up?

Even though I want to act as if these things don't hurt me or control me or impact me, I would be lying if I stuck to that story.  I like to believe that I am free of these chains that bind me, but yet I know deep down inside just how much I feel them.  They are like daggers that are launched in an all out assault on me, and I'm left to defend my thoughts, my body and my emotions.

Smiles For Those Comments

Last week, I saw some comments come through to the blog. Most of the time, the comments are full of integrity, character and add value. Occasionally, there are some that just make you scratch your head and wonder about the person writing the comment.

While not everyone has to agree with me on every thing that I write, I do enjoy hearing how my blog posts touch other people. Like many that do comment, I appreciate the respectfulness of people when they are sharing their views and opinions. Often I am warmed by the words they share and what is shared becomes very special to me.

Last week, there was someone that read one of my blog posts and either it triggered something deep within them or they were just having a bad day. They made sure they stated to me that this was a pity blog. Of course, it was quite clear that the individual did not fully read the blog post or really check out the rest of the blog.

I try to write from my experiences and share what I have learned. Much of my subject matter comes from my own struggles through life as I try to open myself up to the world in hopes that someone else will find it helpful or challenge their own views. Often times by me writing what I do on this blog, I learn so much about myself and through what others share with me, that learning is compounded many times over.

The last thing I want this blog to be is a pity blog and hopefully it is not that! Yes, sharing the deep stories about my own journey could likely be seen that way, but only if the rest of the blog post is not read where the learning can be gleaned from the words.

I do realize that no matter how much we write or the way in which we write things, not everyone is going to accept what is said. There are times that I approach subjects on here that are volatile but my hope is that it will help bring about a positive direction in how all of us look at things. I think we can all learn so much from each other if we allow ourselves the opportunity.



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Triggers Are Everywhere

Triggers can get us at any time, place, moment or in any circumstance or with any person. There is no discrimination by triggers. Often when you least expect them, they rise up and smack you hard in life.

Recently I was in a workshop and got triggered so hard, the shame and pain of the trigger almost pulled me under. Fortunately, I was able to deal with it in a positive way because life was spiraling out of control very quickly. To read more, check out the blog post Healing The Triggers Of Life.

Another example was that I had gone to a Toastmasters meeting to check them out and possibly join. Toastmasters goal is to help you learn how to speak in public more effectively. The first meeting went okay with one individual significantly pushing the boundaries but I shrugged it off.

On my second visit, there was a person giving a speech who thought it was appropriate to give a sermon about God as her speech. The evaluator for her speech of course loved it because as he said, "I am a pastor (minster of a church)!" I felt violated and triggered. Later I found out that topics such as religion and politics are not appropriate for these meetings as they are not meant to make people uncomfortable. The purpose is to help people give speeches, not deal with hot button issues.

For me, going into stores during the holiday season and seeing people buy gifts for Christmas is extremely triggering. It brings me back to some very painful gift exchanges at Christmas in my early years.

Just to be in a store where it is crowded or where they have aisles filled with merchandise to restock the shelves like in Walmart, is triggering. I get claustrophobic easily and if aisles are blocked, I panic that I am trapped and cannot get out.

People (especially strangers) bumping into me are extremely triggering to me. At one time to be touched by anyone was so frightful. I have really come a long ways in this. Still, I am very guarded when I am out in public. It is hard for me to trust anyone.

Recently, I had a friend come down to visit and was triggered unexpectedly and hard when the friend left without saying goodbye. I remember the traumatic moments around my older brother getting up early, slipping out the door and driving away. No goodbye had been said and no one realized he had packed all his belongings into his car, the night before. The only way we knew he was gone was when we heard his car start as he coasted out the driveway.

Who could blame my older brother for his escape? While I had to play counselor and console my parents, I was both angry and jealous of him for leaving. I was just a teenager held captive in life that was brutally traumatic. What amazed me though was how strongly I was triggered back to these events and just how much pain surfaced as a result.

Other times in bodywork and massage, I've been strongly triggered in the role of being a massage therapist. I have had people overtly and covertly try to solicit sex from me as part of the massage. Some of it has been more of a sense and feeling than anything but each time it happens, it triggers me back to some horrible experiences I went through with my father.

I could go on and on about many more triggers. Triggers are the one thing that are abundant in my life. I wish I could wave that magic wand and make them all disappear. Often though they show up unexpectedly while surprising me with a hit and run kick to the gut.

When these triggers hit, I am trying hard to recognize them. It is so easy to continue in life thinking that everyone else is seeing the events unfold as you do. When you are able to check your reactions with people you trust, there is a chance for a different outcome. It is so easy to think that when you're triggered, how you see things is how others see them. Understanding that a difference exists is helpful and healing.

I do not try to stop my emotions or feelings when I am triggered. Instead I work to help myself understand what is going on in this situation and how it is affecting me. I allow myself to learn and work with the trigger by talking and writing about them. In addition, I also allow myself to connect with the feelings and emotions of it with where it is located in my body.

Triggers are not easy for me to deal with but I am learning that I can work with them and begin to heal from them. The more I acknowledge and give them a voice, the more energy and power that I take back from them. At times, I do try to minimize triggers in my life so that I am not completely overwhelmed.

In life, what I considered to once be a life sentence in dealing with triggers is now something I am able to work with. Even though times where I am triggered may get rough, I do realize there are other options in how I react to life. Triggers can get easier to deal with and I know that I can heal from these moments.

Further Reading:
Healing The Triggers Of Life, Blog Post on November 24, 2010


Blog Post & Images (c) 12/13/10 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Healing The Triggers of Life

Note: This story may be triggering to read but it does have a happy ending to it. So, if you choose to read it, please know that all of what transpired here led to a deeper healing and a greater awareness which I am thankful for. The following article is what I recorded from the Evolutionary Healing Seminar in Miami, FL. on November 21, 2010.

“I feel so disconnected from everything and like I don’t matter!”

“When will I ever get things figured out in life?”

“No matter what I do, it just seems like I never get anywhere”

“Yes, I know many good things have happened in life but I still struggle – when will this struggle let up – when will it end?”

Those were the words I spoke after leaving the first day of the seminar with Dr. Paul Canali of Evolutionary Healing. Little did I realize that a discussion earlier in the day would have such a profound impact upon me. Little did I realize that the discussion was already impacting my life and triggering me in ways that I was not aware of.

All I felt in those moments going home was sadness, despair and hopelessness. I knew it was wrong for me to feel this way, or that’s what I felt in that moment. I just couldn’t shake it. I just could not walk away from it.

Leaving the seminar, I was fighting the traffic and becoming infuriated at the idiot drivers on the way back to the hotel . How dare they cut me off? How dare they weave in around me? How dare they, I fumed.

After supper, we went on a wild goose chase trying to find a grocery store to no avail. I was feeling in my own world, all alone and as if no one really wanted me or loved me. I don’t care if God himself would have come and sat in the car at that moment, I would not have believed love existed.

As my GPS went off trying to direct me back to the hotel, it was taking me onto unfamiliar roads and I was agitated, scared and anxious. I fumed and cursed its directions, screaming at it to shut up because it did not know where it was going.

My night came to a close as I dropped into bed, exhausted from the day and hoping in some small way, I might be spared another day to live through this misery. I did not voice any of this as deep inside I felt it was my own pain to bear. After all, I felt no one cared or loved me, so why would I expect anyone to show me concern? It didn’t matter that there were people there for me that I really trusted and that I knew loved me. I could not see it in this moment. I could not feel that. Despair and hopelessness were the only love that I knew in that moment.

The next morning came too early and the sadness in life was engulfing me like a fog. I so badly wanted to cry. I so badly wanted everything to end. I so badly just wanted to say *F*U*C*K* It all and go back home. To go and hide felt like the only refuge I had in that single moment. Darkness was all I could see and all I could feel.

Forcing myself to head back to Miami for day two of the seminar, I finally admitted to Jeff in the car that I really just wanted to kill myself. I’m sure that wasn’t a comforting thought for him as a passenger but there was no way I was giving up control of the car. It was the only control I had in that moment. He responded “Oh Don” with a concern of compassion that was reassuring to me. However, I could barely feel it. He asked me if I wanted to talk about it but I said, I can’t. For I knew that if I was to talk about it, I would break down emotionally and not be able to function in the car. Again, I clung to the control of driving the car. It was my saving grace at that minute. The radio played. I hid in my silence and cursed the traffic.

Arriving at the seminar, I knew I needed to talk to Dr. Canali (Paul) but I was so afraid. How do you tell someone that they triggered you without them laughing at you, becoming violent towards you or doing much worse? It was hard to separate out the events even though my mind knew that Paul and the source of the trigger were two different people.

Walking through the door, I paused to see him talking to someone else. Damn it, I thought in my mind. I then saw him walk in the room and someone else cornered him. Damn it! I was becoming furious thinking that I was truly alone and I would never get to talk to him. I didn’t know if I would have the courage to say something as more time passed.

Oh well, I finally surmised, I’ll just sit here and act as if everything is okay. Surely I can do that much right, I thought. The noises going on around me and the conversations seemed so distant. I felt like everyone was avoiding me although I really wanted no one to talk to me. I wanted to sit by myself in my pain without anyone getting close. I felt the intense shame that I thought was the only way I could see this right now. How could I? How dare I? How could he?

How could he talk about that in a room full of people? How could he bring up a subject like this? After all, I care about Paul and I respect him but had this changed everything forever? Had he become someone different to me? I wanted to run out of the room but that would have been noticed. I wanted to hide, but where could I go – there were people everywhere?

I tried to breathe and calm myself but the war of the ocean waves were churning inside of me. I fought back the fears, I felt the pain and I felt the anger. I was so angry at him for what he did. I was so angry at what I went through. I was so angry at what Paul said. It all seemed like it was Paul’s fault and I had no idea just what was playing out in the corners of my mind.

I could take no more of it as the lecture started. I could not look him in the eye. I didn’t want to be there in that room with him or anyone. But I had to hide this. I could not let anyone see this pain I was holding. I could not let anyone know of this shame I was hiding. I could not expose myself in this way.

As the anger surfaced, I knew I had to say something but I was so afraid. How would he react? What would he say? Would he get defensive and tell me to leave? Would he tell me that he never wanted to see me again? God knows, that was the punishment for speaking out. Would he just discount all that I was feeling? I didn’t know what would happen but my only choices were to have an emotional breakdown right there in front of everyone or talk to him. There was no way I was going to break down in front of everyone and be vulnerable. No way, no how!

The moment came and I quickly ran up to Paul and said, I needed to talk to him. What was I doing, I thought. Why are you saying this? Don’t you know what can happen when someone speaks up? How dare I be so stupid? No, I thought – I’ve got to say something. The other option of breaking down isn’t one I want to allow either. The war raged within my mind.

I heard myself get the words out, “What you said triggered me yesterday.” And at that moment, I began to cry. The tears started coming from my eyes. I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t want to seem weak. I told Paul that I really didn’t want to come back and I didn’t want to keep going in life. And then I waited for an eternity for what his reaction might be. Was this the end? Would he hate me? Regardless of all the experiences I’ve been through with Paul, I still could not allow myself to trust anyone. I was in so much pain, that I could not see through reality. I was walking in illusion but the illusion was just as real as the pain I was feeling. There was no separation.

Paul said in a surprised way – really, tell me about it. I was so shocked. What, he wasn’t going to hit me or tell me to leave or ridicule me or tell me how bad I was? He was going to listen? Wait, really? This is possible? No, it can’t be! My mind raced with thoughts.

He had me sit down next to him and asked me to share what had gone on. I struggled to get the words out because each one was like a knife being stabbed into my gut. I really could not even completely remember what all had been said yesterday, but knew it was something about how the autonomic system plays a role in sex, and that was being used as an example of how the parasympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems react with each other. Outside of that, I could not remember much more.

Of course, when I was in junior high, my dad was fixated on the topic of masturbation with me. He constantly wanted to know how much I did this, how often, the way I did this and every detail that one could tell. It was like he would get so excited sexually about this.

Wait, there he goes. Oh no, he’s doing it again. Why did I tell him? Why couldn’t I have just stayed silent? Why didn’t I lie about it and not give him what he wanted? I forced this to start. I caused this to happen. There he goes.. No I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to see.. oh my god, I hate what I’m feeling, what I’m doing. I hate how it feels in my mouth. I want it to stop. I want to run. Why are my pants down? What if someone finds us? I can’t deal with this. Look at the sky. See the birds. Wow, there are some pretty clouds today. The barn sure needs paint. I think I hear the sheep.

My little young mind just couldn’t process what happened. It happened with such a frequency that it felt more normal than breathing. It was hard to understand why I was not smart enough to stop this from happening. If only I would not have said anything. If only I would not have allowed him to get me alone.

Of course, all these details did not come out when I was talking to Paul. They didn’t need to. It was too painful to speak anyway and the main points were enough. I could hardly keep my composure. I really didn’t want everyone to see the pain I was in.

And so as Paul was talking, which I can hardly remember right now because my mind was lost in another world, I began to struggle with the constant tears. How could I sit there and deal with this pain? Then Paul knew I was struggling, and what I had shared with him became a perfect teaching tool for those in the room, and also for me to help me release some of the pain I was feeling and the energy of the pain.

He asked me to share with the room what had transpired. I’m thinking – there’s no way I can do this? After all, this was so hard for me, and sharing it with everyone would only be much more difficult. But I know that Paul and I have talked that the more you let this out, the more you reclaim your life. Why me? Why did I have to endure these things?

As I began to tell the story behind it, I only got a few words out and the tears started to flow like a water fall. I remember Paul just supporting me and holding on to me to let me know that I’m okay and that he cared about me. I remember seeing the faces in shock of what I was saying. In all reality, I thought everyone had felt the words of the day before were a trigger, just like me, but seeing the faces in the crowd, I knew that it was not the same. I’ll never forget the image of those faces being able to see the situation much differently than my mind was living it, and the support coming from each person.

The story doesn’t end here, of course, and it has a happy ending to it. Just like the angel card I pulled that morning which stated, “support – the angels are here with you and supporting you”, I was finding that I truly had the support of not only the angels but those around me.

When we broke for lunch, my stomach was in knots and I could not eat anything, so I just tried to find a sense of peace in the sun, clouds and trees as the wind blew against my skin.

After lunch, I finally got a chance to get on the table with Paul working on me. I wasn’t so sure about all these people around me but I felt safe with Paul. At first, I struggled to allow him to touch me. My body was reacting to the complete fear that I was feeling inside of me. Touch was not real safe, and if it would not have been for Paul asking me permission to touch, I would not have found that safety in that moment that I so badly needed.

At first, I could barely feel much in my body and then as we started pushing through things, my legs felt frozen and numb. They wanted to run but they couldn’t – just like any one of those days a long time ago. My body braced for all it would endure as the pains came up through my back. The muscles in my low back were so tight, just as if they were shielding me from the blows that my body would experience. And my arms had so much vengeance in them, as they wanted to strike out in anger but were never allowed to do.

As we went further into the session on the table, I could feel my body beginning to trust more and letting go more. The reactions seemed smaller than I feared they would be, and when things got too overwhelming, Paul brought me back to the safety of the place between my eyes or the music in the room. At one point, I remember him connecting me to someone else in the room who was crying, which of course connected strongly within me.

My body began to drop down as it dissipated all this energy that was coming up like a volcano from deep within me. I began to feel stronger that I could go into these things and reclaim them. I began to feel more connected to my body and all the energy and senses that I was once again realizing.

It was at that moment that I sensed all those supportive angels hovering around me and protecting me, giving me the strength to go through this. I heard them tell me that I was not alone and they were here for me. Paul had someone come over and be with me. The minute they touched me, I felt this intense sense of warmth coming from their hands. It was a beautiful moment and I felt so loved, so honored and respected.

I did not go to the seminar expecting this to happen, and I was so shocked by the events. I am so grateful for the support of so many and especially Paul for being there. The pure love that he shows to me is something that I was not shown all my life. Love was misused against me and twisted for these people to do sick and perverted acts upon me.

But I also realized that the trigger wasn’t as bad as it seemed to be. I realized that I could use the power of it to transform this part of me and reclaim the power that is a part of me. When I walked in the room that morning, life felt hopeless and I wanted to kill myself. When I left that afternoon, I had indeed killed the part of myself that I no longer needed. In doing this, I gave birth to a freedom and a new energy in my life of love, compassion and healing. I will always remember this day. It was my teacher and it taught me some very valuable truths.

And I know feeling the pains, the hurts, the anger, and all the other stuff I go through is the transforming fire that takes me through the healing and into a greater awareness.

(c) 11/22/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only.