I'm Taking Back My Life

Written and (c) by Don Shetterly

When you heal from child sexual abuse or other trauma, one of the most difficult things is to get your life back.  In today's morning thought post, we have to say the following to our self.  "I'm Taking Back My Life!"  If you have to repeat that over and over, then do so.  Do what it takes until you stop backing down to what was done to you and you begin to reclaim your life.  I know it isn't hard.  I struggled through the exact same thing.  Draw a line in the sand today and say, "I'm taking back my life!"

Loyalty Of Child Abusers

Written By Don Shetterly

One of the things I witnessed and saw in my house was how my dad controlled everyone.  I can remember him shouting at us that if we ever went to the cops for what he did to us, that it would be the last thing we did.  As evidenced of what he did to our pets, there was no mistaking what he meant.


He demanded complete loyalty to him.  He accepted nothing but us worshiping at his feet.  He would explain to us that we are family and that family loves one another.  If we questioned this in any way, it was that we had no loyalty or love for our family.

My dad would scream and rant and rave.  He'd pound his fist on the table to make his point.  There was no double crossing the family.  There was no double crossing him.  You had to back him up no matter what for anything he did.

His transgressions included child sexual abuse, rape, molestation, physical beatings, emotional abuse, domestic violence again my mom, lying and cheating.  They also included the murder of innocent pets via the use of guns or drowning in rivers.

He demanded loyalty...

Of course, he demanded loyalty.  We were not allowed to say anything to anyone.  We feared for our own lives.

Later on, when I was in the hospital and dared to speak out about what I had been through, he quit talking to me.  He showed me what the silent treatment was all about because I dared to stand up and say, this wasn't right.  In fact, he turned my entire family against me including neighbors and friends that I had known for a long time.

Does this sound like someone that should deserve loyalty and respect?  Hopefully, your answer is NO!  Anyone that does not allow for dissent or a difference of opinion is not a healthy individual.  If you do not permit yourself to be challenged, you are not a strong person in my view.

I'm so tired of hearing about loyalty these days.  I've heard it so many times in jobs.  The companies that tried to tell me they would never ask me to cheat or lie are the ones that broke the rules.  These were major corporations.

Loyalty is not about breaking the law or following someone blindly.  It is about having the respect for others.  It is about gaining respect because you earned it and you deserve it.  It is not given because you threaten people or you scream and yell at them.

The ego loves greed and control.  It likes to manipulate and punish those who don't accept their ideas as law.  It is not about being human.

We need to wake up in this world because each one of us that falls into these traps diminishes our light and our love in this world.  The more we feed the control and manipulation of the ego, the more it grows.

I so wish that I could have stood up to my dad but there would have been no one that would have listened in those days.  The payback would have been hell if I had not succeeded.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Healing The Physical Trauma of Child Abuse

Written by Don Shetterly

This Unified Therapy session wasn't easy.  It was tough beyond any words that I can write.  In fact, just getting myself to see Dr. Canali was more than difficult.  I procrastinated.  I tried to wish it away.  I tried to numb it away.

No matter what, as hard as I tried to wish it away, my avoidance was not helping the issue at all.  I was begging for mercy.  I wanted relief.  I could not find it on my own no matter what I was doing.  As I wrote a few days earlier in a blog post, it was the Rash That Won't Stop that got me to the point where I finally went to see Dr. Canali.

My life had become one of so much difficulty with little sleep.  The burning and itching I described in that blog post were no lies.  It was all too real.  My anger was hard to contain with everyone and everything.  I did not know at that moment before the session if I could make it through this.  I was not sure if I could make it through this.  The session with Dr. Canali had become my last hope.

What I had written, I shared...

I shared with him what I had written in that blog post. I couldn't even manage to get the words out.  My voice would not articulate them.  As he sat down beside the massage table and read them out loud to me, my eyes welled up with tears.  To most people, they are words on a page.  To me, they were heartaches and pain from the abuse I suffered.

As we began to go into what was coming up in my body, it was evident to Dr. Canali and myself just how locked up my pelvis and abdomen were.  In fact, most of my pants were not fitting at that time.  They felt like 5 sizes too small.  The itching in this area was intense.  Any touch anywhere close and the pain would shoot through my body like there was no end.

Moving through things, everything from the itching to the heat in my body and the pain would kick up.  We would take it as far as we could, and then Dr. Canali would allow me to drop back down.  It felt like a physical workout.  It felt like there were moments that were almost too much.  However, I knew that this was part of the healing process.

An empowerment boost of healing...

The more I started to see that we could go into all of these things and then drop back into a more peaceful state, the more empowered my body became. It was as if pushing into these difficult moments and then dropping back was an empowerment boost.  A boost that kept me taking on more of the trauma my body had been holding for many years.

Some of these trauma memories of abuse that I was dealing with, I have seen in other forms and ways at various times.  However, this one was the more physical side of being raped and held down with no way to stop it.  It started by the time I was around six years old and continued until I was much older.

As we moved through the session, we discussed those things, and I was allowed to share them.  It wasn't easy to say the words.  It wasn't easy to recognize just how much the evil and darkness of these abusers and tried to squash any hope for light and existence I had.

The Body Shows The Trauma...

The physical trauma resides in the body.  The body remembers even if we attempt to keep it from reliving memories from years past.  The brain will try to block it, but when the body shows the evidence, it is then that the brain is in survival and numbing.

As we went through the session, I could feel the physical tension leaving my body.  It was more than if I had gotten a relaxing massage.  It was where my body goes into that deep peace and rest that it desperately needs.  The itching came down.  The pain came down.  The elevated body temperature I was feeling dropped down.

I noticed as we left the office and went out into the summer heat of a South Florida afternoon, that I was tolerating the heat much better.  Before this moment, I could barely stand in the summer heat for a few minutes.

I noticed that the world around me seemed more at peace.  I sensed the quiet stillness accessible to me even though the hustle and bustle of the city continued.  I felt lighter and more joyful.  I felt more hopeful and alive than I had a little while earlier that day.

As we left to go back to the hotel, I started to notice that the pants which were tight on me before the session, were now needing a belt.  There was so much physical tension in my abdomen and waist that had released that I could barely keep my pants up.  It shocked me because it showed me just how much trauma I was holding in my physical body.

I went from not wanting anyone close to me touching me to allowing myself to be touched.  I went from wanting no intimacy to welcoming it happily.

In that session with Dr. Canali, so much physically changed in my body.  It was like I was coming back into my body and learning to live life again as was meant for me to experience.

Healing Is More Than A Mental Exercise...

Once again, the work and concepts that Dr. Canali has discovered are helping me understand what trauma does to the body and how we store all of this for years and years.  It is not just a mental exercise.  It is an exercise where you connect the mind with what comes up in the body and then you are gently guided in different ways how to let go of it all.  It is a process that helps you find deep healing and peace, that is more than a quick point of change.  This healing is lasting.

As I write this, several days after the session, I can still feel my body letting go and processing all that went on in that session.  I can feel how little moments in life kick up the body temperature or the itching while being able to talk myself back down and put reality in perspective with what I am feeling.

Yes, I've had moments of anger and frustration, but I can deal with them more appropriately than I was.  I'm able to go in and stop and rest and allow my body to just be in the moment.  I've been able to be in a hot tub and sauna, be outside in the heat of an afternoon and not feel like I was going to lose my mind or pass out and drop on the ground.

I'm working to take care of myself, changing how I see things in my life and observing how I react.  I want the reactions to be from a more mind and body centered approach than feeling like an unwilling participant.  I'm focusing on the bigger picture of my life much more than I have been and seeing how all of this plays into where my life goes.

I'm monitoring how much I let in from the world that is full of screaming, anger, rage, and disrespect because the actions I see every day do nothing to help me in my own life.  I'm allowing myself to disconnect from them and replace them with things that are genuinely helpful.  I know that if I get caught up in the darkness of the day, it will do nothing positive for me.

Most of all, I feel better.  I feel more empowered.  I feel more centered.  It is like there is now hope where I thought I had lost all hope.

I'm thankful for Unified Therapy and Dr. Paul Canali and what he knows and how he helps me.  He is one of a kind.  If there are others beyond him (and a few other practitioners) that can do what he does for me, I have not found them.  He is a pioneer in the field of healing trauma.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Rash That Won't Stop

 Written by Don Shetterly

At the slightest hint of anything, the rash picks up.  It changed from being constant to giving me moments of reprieve.  However, in exchange for this, it kicks up harder and with more fierceness than ever before.  The itching may subside after some moments, and if I’m lucky, the burning sensation doesn’t start in because it can last for a long time.  Most of the time lately, I’m not so lucky on that.

It doesn’t take much.  It can be fabric touching it.  It can be something touching me emotionally (good or bad).  It can be a conversation with someone.  It can be stepping outside in the warm summer weather or trying to wade in the pool.  It can be a phone call that I’m on or even listening in on these days.

When it picks up with intensity, I care barely sit still.  I struggle to keep my fingers from clawing at the rash.  Sometimes it won’t let me stop and sit down.  It keeps me pacing the floors screaming out in agony as if it won’t ever let me go.  Sometimes I find myself hitting and pounding my body just to numb it, as if I was doing what I once used to do as a kid.

My breathing gets shallow during these times.  Sleep is like something a million miles away.  My brain begins to run incessantly as if it must solve every issue known to man.  I find no relief – only distraction.  Most don’t understand.  In fact, it is almost too difficult to explain.  I feel ostracized by virtually everyone, but I want NO ONE to touch me or come close to me.

The images flood my mind of being held down while boiling water is poured upon me.  I know what they want me to allow them to do, but on that day, I’m fighting them.  I know I shouldn’t fight them for it will only get worse.  I just don’t want them to today.  I’m tired of enduring this.  I’m tired of them doing it to me.

Regardless, bad boys that don’t do as they are told suffer the consequences, and so the boiling water is poured on me as a punishment.  It seems boiling.  It could be hot water.  I can’t recall.  My body screams in pain.  My body shivers as the cold air of the winter in a drafty old house touches me.  I shiver and shake.  I tremble.  Just like in the days of the seizures.  I couldn’t control those either.  I would shake and tremble and flail around until exhaustion hit.  It went until I numbed and disconnected enough that I no longer was aware of what was happening.

But good little boys don’t have these images of their fathers and brothers.  Good little boys should never think about these things happening.  After all, God will torment and punish me forever for thinking this way and not obeying their every command.

My body wants some rest and relief.  It wants to numb at the same time because it is just too much at the time to deal with at this moment.  It is much too much even to want to deal with at this moment.  It seems like it has been an eternity that is has been happening when in reality, the rash only started last Christmas.

I try to tell my mind and my body that it will get better.  It laughs at me like a pack of hysterical hyenas.  It scoffs at me with ludicrous thoughts as if there is any way to get beyond this.  I try to have hope.  I try to have hope.  I know I’ve been in similar darkness before, but it is of little use because I feel too worn out and exhausted to care.

By the time anyone reads this blog post, I will have had some Unified Therapy sessions to hopefully help me get past this.  So, stay tuned for the follow-up blog posts.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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I Want To Be Held But I Keep People Away

Being a trauma survivor of child sexual abuse, I struggle hard with being touched.  Like every human, I do crave touch.  Yet for me, touch is not easy.  After you've been violated in ways beyond imagination, touch is just not safe.

I want to be held but I keep people away.  Unfortunately, I'm my own worst enemy.  I beg for touch.  I long for it.  I long to be held.  Yet, I'm like "keep the heck away from me.  Don't come near me.  Don't touch me.  Don't get close."

Seems odd, doesn't it, to want both things.  I mean they compete with one another.  There's no way for people to support you and touch you while keeping them away at the same time.  I'm not talking about unsafe people or bad people or ones you don't trust.  I'm talking about those close intimate and personal people in your life.

I go through periods of time where I'm okay with touch and then I go through horrible moments where the pain of the past still haunts me and I want nothing to do with it.  I feel like I make progress and then some other memory tries to surface and get my attention, and the next thing I know - I've got the "Don't Touch" sign posted for all to see.

When I first met the love of my life, I was so scared to be touched.  In fact, a hug could often make me puke even though I trusted this person and felt safe with him.  You talk about making yourself feel lonely in life - this will surely do it.  We had to have rules that we could say, STOP at any moment and we would just stop.  It was the only way I began to get past it.

Is A Hug A Good Thing?

Sometimes people just automatically assume a hug is a good thing and they should just come up and hug others without asking permission.  In my case if you do that, you'd better hope it is a good day because you might invoke an automatic response from me that will be less than good for you.  People need to consider this instead of thinking that hugs and touch are good to all people at all times.

I find myself feeling lonely and like an outcast during these times, struggling to endure life.  Yet, I realize much of it is my own making, but I struggle to get past it.  I struggle to be touched.  The thing I need the most is the thing I most hate and fear.

I know my body was violated in horrible ways and for so much of my life, but that knowledge does nothing to quench the fear that bubbles up inside of me.  I become angry that some days, I just have so much difficulty in getting past this.

Yes, I've made it a long way in my recovery and probably went through more healing than anyone could have ever expected of me.  I know I have walked through so much, but things like this still take me under at times.  They hurt from the deepest layers.

More than likely, I'm not alone.  There's a good chance others experience this, but it just doesn't seem to be discussed.  Please feel free to share and leave a comment below if you struggle with this.  I'd love to hear your story.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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I Often Hate My Name

I know, you're not supposed to feel this way.  I realize my name is my vibrational marker in this world, but oh - what I wouldn't give to change it.  In fact, I almost did change my name but got cold feet.

You see, I was afraid of what my family and my friends would think if I changed my name.  It is probably the one thing that held me back from doing this.

Growing up, my Dad used my full name starting with my first name of Donald as a way to indicate he was pretty angry at me.  If I heard it, I cringed.

I knew what was coming and there was no escaping it.  The more you tried, the worse the punishment.  It didn't matter if you had really done nothing wrong.  It only mattered that he needed someone to blame for whatever it was he was upset about in that moment.

On top of it, my dad loved nicknames.  I was a small baby at birth and so they nicknamed me pee wee.  I can't actually believe I am even writing about any of this.  It feels shameful and humiliating to me.   Even though I had to endure this at home, I tried my hardest to not get names attached to me in school.

One day in Kindergarten I took a new plastic truck to school for show and tell.  My dad thought I needed to put my name on it even though there is no way I would have let that toy truck out of my sight.  We didn't have many toys in the first place.  The name he wrote on the bottom of it in big black letters - PEE WEE.  Talk about making your stomach turn flip-flops all day.

I also remember hearing my dad pound his fist on the table and scream,

"we're family and we will be proud of our last name. We will love one another no matter what or I will make sure we do."  

He preached the last name as if it was something great.  I cringed in these multi-hour tirades he would have where you had to sit at attention and listen to him intently or he would keep going longer. 

He was so proud of the last name and it sucked to me.  To me, it stood for sexual and physical abuse.  It stood for mental manipulation, mind control, thought control and no freedom.  It stood for anything but love and respect like he demanded that it did.  He is more than welcome to be proud of it if he wants, but it has a devastating effect on me.

There are many more things that have happened where I just hate my name.  My full first name, Donald, was used as a weapon.  It was not one of respect or love or compassion.  When I heard it used, my fear went "oh oh... what did I do wrong now?"  This was immediately followed by dread and fear and anxiety which happened almost every day it seemed.

Now at this point in my life, I made sure I had no kids.  My siblings had daughters so there is no chance they will pass our family name on.  I had no kids, so effectively it stops with me.  I cannot think of a better way to win over what my dad did to me than deprive him of passing on the name he was so proud of when I was a kid.

I don't know if I will ever get to the point I love my full legal name, but if you meet me, there's a good chance, you'll hear the first name I go by now and you would have to ask me what my last name is.  I don't readily give it out.  I don't readily use it.  I want nothing to do with the last name.  If you call me Donald, you're probably going to get ignored or get an angry response.

It is difficult to deal with this part of my life.  I know the vibration of our name means a lot, but it is a source of pain that I have to live with for the rest of my life.  I may still change it yet, but now that I've got music and books out, that may get more tricky.  I know it will follow me until the day that I die and I wish it wasn't so.  Even if I changed it, the name is still attached to me and that sucks!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Making It Through Painful Moments

I was asked what it was like when I walked away from my family in order to survive.  How did I make it through the painful moment.  Much of this applies to how survivors of childhood sexual abuse and other trauma deal with making it through painful moments.

Walking away from my family was the only way I could make it because the family was so toxic, that in order for me to heal and make it, I had to let go. It was not easy.  They didn't just go away quietly either.

It was extremely difficult to walk away.  I struggled hard with that. I had anxiety attacks just to go get my mail out of the mailbox.  It was a time in my life that I had to let go of things that held me down.  These painful moments were difficult beyond comprehension.

Far too many people have told me that you create your own family.  While that is true, there is a biological connection that can never be replaced (well, it seems that way in my mind).  When you fought your entire life growing up to just be a part of the family and have those that are supposedly there for you, abuse you - then family is just one messed up and tangled mess.  It isn't as easy to create a family unit as many people try to tell you that it is.

Sometimes I get to the moment that I want to reunite with them, but then I hear stories from others and it is a caution to me to tread carefully into those treacherous waters.  I choose to not swim in the swamp, especially after hearing these stories.  Holidays usually bring that up front and center to me, even though I try to flee from it as fast as I can.

My head swirled for days...

After the incident where a relative asked me If I wanted to come to their house when a family member was in the area, my head swirled for hours, days from the anxiety… heck I don’t know when it stopped.  I won’t say it was easy.  I won’t say it magically was all better the next day.  The only thing I know is that I was stronger at that moment than I was in the past.  In the past, I made it through this, so if I’m stronger – I knew I would make it through this moment.  It is what I had to hold on to at that point.  That’s healing.  Yet, it was doused with anxiety and pain.

Yes, we often feel like we have dropped back so many steps and we’re in a deficit, but in many ways – we’re still further ahead.  We make it though somehow.  We live to fight another day somehow.  Sometimes, that’s all that matters in the moment.  We’re making it.  We’re living to fight another day.

Where we are in that moment...

It's okay if we find ourselves on the floor, struggling and hurting and wondering if we’ll ever make it.  It’s okay because in that moment, because that’s where we are.  That is what it is in that moment.  It is from that where we find our footing again and our way forward.  Only this time, we are more full of power and energy and strength because we’ve made it this far already.  We've got another sword in our supply closet and more tools in our toolbox.

When I laid in the hospital bed wondering if I would ever walk again, it took me to the point of utter despair where I screamed out – am I okay with this?  Am I comfortable with being a vegetable – unable to walk, talk, take care of myself.  It was in that moment that I found my footing.  It was in that moment that I started to move forward, not even realizing I was doing this and not even knowing how to move forward.  Sometimes in that moment, that is more than enough.  The rest will come.  The rest will fall into place.

I wasn't supposed to walk again...

I wasn’t supposed to walk again.  I wasn’t supposed to work or function like most people.  I was not expected to make it out of the conversion disorder.  No one could tell me the way out.  No one could show me the way out.  I had to fight, and kick, and scream every step of the way walking into the blindness of the fog that was before me.  It was in those dark moments that my journey of healing was already happening.

Yes, there are the voices.  Yes, they get loud.  They try hard to hold me down.  They fight against me telling me that I can't make it through this. They tell me I'm not good enough.  They tell me I'm not worthy.  They tell me I will not make it.   I just tell them to rot in hell…    And if they keep coming back up, I just repeat the previous statement.

We’re making it… we really are.  We’re moving into deeper layers and further awareness even if it is hard to comprehend what that means in that moment.

I know you are making it – because I’ve walked similar roads and I still remember what the shoes feel like when walking in them.

Find whatever it is that helps shift you from all that you’re struggling against – and push the gas pedal to the floor.  Call on your angels or God or the universe or whoever it is you believe in – just ask for them (it) to be there.  Just know that you’re not alone.  Call on your support network and your friends.  Be close to your pets and animals.  These things will help hold you while you find the strength to keep going.

Know that making it through painful moments may not be easy, but you can do this.  We're all in this together and together we help one another along.  Grab the hand out in front of you because it is someone that knows where the path leads.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Taking First Steps In Asking For Help

By Matt Pappas.  You know something is going on in your life but you just aren't sure where to turn. You've heard that term, Mental Health, but maybe it always made you cringe.

I couldn't possibly have some type of mental health disorder, or suffer from some type of mental illness, right?

I've managed pretty decently in my life so far; I can survive daily and hold down a job. I have a family that loves me and friends to hang out with.

Or perhaps you are just the opposite...

You are alone, don't have many friends, your family relationships are strained at best, and you can't seem to find a career or steady job that you can hold onto.

I was mostly in the former category when I first realized I needed to seek some professional help. My life just wasn't going as I planned; which isn't necessarily a reason to seek help per say. In my case though, after 2 failed marriages and a realization that it was high time I start trying to understand myself better, I took the plunge.

I reached out through a program at my job that can put employees in contact with professionals for counseling, legal questions, medical concerns, family therapy, grieving, etc.

I was apprehensive to say the least and very nervous about trying this whole therapy thing again. My last experience with a therapist did not end well, as she divulged personal information about our sessions, to others.

The damage was done and the bridge was burned. For any "good" that those sessions did, the trust issues that I had were immediately increased 10 fold moving forward.

After a couple of days I was paired up with a local therapist and I scheduled an appointment.

At that point something strange happened, something I didn't expect. I began to feel a peace come over me, calmness. It was like; I'm finally doing something good for myself so let's see what happens and where this takes me.

I fully expected to be scared to death...

Looking back I was surprised by this feeling because I fully expected to be scared to death, to clam up, and end up sitting there in an office just wondering what in the world I had gotten myself into.

After decades of focusing on everyone and everything other than myself, it was as if my mind was saying... Finally, Thank You!

Having said that I was still nervous that first session. I mean when you start telling your story to a stranger, while sitting on a couch in an office, you get this feeling that you've seen this scenario before.

How many times on TV shows or movies has someone been sitting on a couch talking to a therapist about their "feelings"? How many times did you maybe think:

"Well that's just not going to do any good!"
"Why can't they just figure it out on their own?" 
"They must really be screwed up to have to talk to a therapist!"

When you are in that situation though, it becomes almost surreal. It suddenly hits home that you are now what you judged people for before. You are now THAT person who can't get their life together and has to resort to talking about their feelings to a therapist.

Shame and guilt can easily take over here if you aren't careful. You begin to wonder what's really wrong with you, and what you are going to uncover if you truly let your guard down. "Just how screwed up am I after all?"

Do I even want to go down this path...

Then you begin to rationalize why you maybe don't need to be doing this after all...

"Do I even want to go down this path, my life wasn't really all THAT bad now that I think about it?"

Rather than questioning yourself, try celebrating your decision to put yourself first for a change. Give yourself a High Five for taking the initiative to understand yourself and your mind better.

Know that you are doing something good for you that will benefit not only you but also those you are close to.

Reaching out to seek professional help can be so unbelievably nerve racking, intimidating, and scary. You really do get a better appreciation of yourself and what others go through when you are sitting there, one on one, being open and vulnerable.

You are now on the path to healing, understanding, positive self esteem, more self-confidence, and the realization that your mental health does matter.

• -Matt (Guest Blogger on Mind Body Thoughts)
  -SurvivingMyPast.net
• You can catch Matt on Twitter, SurvivingMyPast

Guest Blogger Note:

Matt writes for his website and blog, Surviving My Past.net .  He is an excellent writer and friend, sharing his struggles as he learns to heal from his past of child sexual abuse.  This blog post was written by Matt and I'm sharing it exclusively on the Mind Body Thoughts Blog.  Please make sure you visit Matt at SurvivingMyPast.net .  He has some excellent wisdom and advice he shares that I am sure you will find helpful.

Also Check Out:

You may also want to check out a previous
blog I wrote about Matt's website and blog.

Introducing Surviving My Past

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Images courtesy of Surviving My Past with permission.
• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Can You Think Yourself Sick?

This is one of my favorite questions that I get asked frequently.  Can you think yourself sick?  Most certainly you can!  However, most of the time, we don't even realize we're thinking ourselves sick, even if we are aware we are able to do this.  Okay, I know this sounds a little convoluted, but let me see if I can explain this better.

I'll start by going back to an example from when I was a kid in high school.   Every week we had P.E. (Physical Education) class.  Now, I hated that more than anything in school.  I wasn't good at team sports and I got laughed at and bullied so much, that every time I knew P.E. was coming, my stomach would be in knots.  In addition, I was being sexually molested and abused at home, so undressing in front of a bunch of classmates was not the feeling of safety I longed for and I wanted to avoid it completely.

Knowing that I could not get away with this every time because someone would catch on to what I was doing, I limited the amount of times I pulled this stunt.  I would go to PE as much as I could and just put up with the name calling and taunts and bullying, but when it got to be too much, I did the unthinkable.

Raising my body temperature...

Shortly before P.E. class, I would start focusing on my thoughts to get my body temperature to elevate.  I did this with my thoughts, just focusing on raising my body temperature.  I would be sitting in a class prior to this and just do it silently.  No one knew it was going on.  By the time I got to P.E., I would tell the teacher that I wasn't feeling good and thought I was running a temperature.  Of course, he would tell me to go see the school nurse.

When I went to the school nurse, she would take my temperature and lo and behold, the thermometer would show I was running a fever.  Deep down inside, I knew I wasn't sick, but I was able to get my body temperature to appear that I was.  The nurse would call my mom and she would leave work to take me home.  My poor mom, I feel sorry for her.  If she ever suspected what I was doing, she never let on.  Of course, I had to continue playing the role of being sick but generally by the time I got up the next morning and my mom took my temperature, it would be normal.

I appeared sick...

See, I managed to make myself appear sick.  It really isn't that hard and in fact many people do this all the time.  I'm sure there is some psychological condition for it, but in my case, I just hated P.E. so much that I would do anything to get out of it.

While I know we can think ourselves sick, we also can make ourselves well.  Now, the trick is though, making sure you are aware of what you are doing.  Most humans go through life being disconnected and unaware.  They do things every day that makes them sick, but are not even aware they are doing it.

We diminish our own health...

Instead of taking care of ourselves in the best way possible, we do things that diminish our health and then all of the sudden we are sick.  We have some condition or situation that we now treat with some form of medicine, but we don't go in and treat the underlying reason that led up to the situation we are in.

While we can think ourselves sick, we can think ourselves healthy.  This means though, that we have to start listening to our body and becoming aware of all that we are, all that we feel, all that we sense, and not numbing or avoiding.  If you don't think you do this, I'd counter that you are probably of an alien species.  It is human nature to not be aware of our body, even if we trick ourselves into thinking that we are.

We can do so much with our thoughts, especially if it is followed by action and it comes from our core.  Just mere words will only get you so far, but learning to connect deep within your biological self will yield much more powerful and long lasting changes for your life.

I'm not suggesting that anyone use the stunt I used when I was in high school.  It really isn't good to mess around with your health in that way.  It is far better to be upfront and honest, letting someone know that you just need a day off for yourself or some activity or event is not right for you.  I took the easy way out.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Abuse Seemed Normal To Me

Isn't it obvious?  Can't you see it?  I mean, everyone else can!  What am I talking about?  It is about how we often don't see the abuse that is happening before our very eyes.  We don't fully see all that we've gone through.

Usually this is for a good reason because if the mind had to confront everything that was happening while it was happening, it would short circuit and not be able to handle it all.  For an adult, it is hard enough, but for a young child, the mind really gets challenged when it is being abused.

A child is born into this world looking up to their parents and family for sustenance, love, support, encouragement and safety.  When a child is abused, these things are tossed aside in the trash and the child is left to comprehend a world that goes against biology.

When a child goes through abuse, whether it is sexual abuse or physical and emotional abuse, often the kid has no idea that anything else exists outside of this behavior.  It becomes the norm in life.  It becomes the world that the child knows and so it almost looks normal.

There may be a part of the child which knows the abuse isn't normal, but the abuse is the only world they know.  With the family secrets and the shame and the pain, there is no way the child can discover a different world beyond what they see every day.  The biological body and mind knows no different and through these things, it is kept in the dark.

For a long time, I didn't realize that some of what I had been through was abuse.  I just thought everyone was forced to take baths with their older brothers and father, which resulted in constant sexual molestation.  I just thought that it was normal for all fathers to watch their children dress and undress even in their teenage years.  I just thought it was normal that if you didn't allow them to sexually abuse you, that God wouldn't love you and you would miss out on the affection shown to you by them.

There have been so many things that I thought were normal and now as I've been in a loving relationship with my husband, I've found out they were not normal.  When I have started to talk to others that have been through things and shared the details of behavior I went through, it is then that I realized, it was not normal behavior.  It was abuse.

Having a father demean you constantly and scream at you is not anything a child should ever have to endure.  Having to live in a world of chaos each and every day, tiptoeing around my father to see what might set him off in a fit of rage was a challenge.  The little things that could spark a violent tirade of abuse on myself or my mom and brothers was a random event that happened when you least expected it.  Usually there was no warning to what would make the bomb explode.

Being constantly told how worthless you were or stupid or how little common sense you had would rip any sense of self worth you had into shreds.  Those moments seemed normal to me and so I continued to live in a self-imposed world of perfection so I could try and find some value.  Plus, I didn't want to upset God because bad stuff would happen to me then.

Every bit of my life was controlled and manipulated and the minute you thought you had it figured out, the rules changes.  The behaviors changed.  The corresponding actions and results changed.  There was no guessing what would happen or when it would happen.  This was the world I grew up in.  It was all I thought existed.

One of the things that I see others struggle with just like myself in healing is that you have to come to terms with what was normal or not in your childhood.  To come to terms though, means you have to touch the pain and horror of those moments where it was not normal.  It is never easy to touch the pain and sorrow you have experience in life.  It takes courage and often a helping hand to walk with you through those fires.

For me, I had to walk away from my family in order to find myself and my life.  I had to say enough was enough and I will be the first to tell you that this was as difficult as it gets.  There is nothing that can replace the biological connection of a mother, father or family unit.  Yes, you learn to live and go on, but that biological cellular connection is always there.

We all learn from the behavior we witness and endure.  We all function in life based upon what was done to us and what we witnessed.  Healing is about learning which parts of our life no longer serve us now, even if they helped us survive those horrible moments.  Healing is about understanding that things were not normal, even if it is the only world we knew.

It is about learning to piece our lives together and helping teach ourselves all that we need in life.  Yes, we got short changed as kids, but now through healing, we can begin to create the life we want with the people in it that we want.

It is like the storybook of our lives where you can choose to put in each day's chapter that which you want and need and desire.  If it doesn't work out the way you want it to, you're always free to create something different tomorrow.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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My Abuser Of Child Sexual Abuse

When I first started out on my healing journey from child sexual abuse, I looked at things differently than I do now.  One of these things was that I referred to the abusers as "my abuser".  I constantly referred to them as my abuser when I would talk to others sharing my story of child sexual abuse.

However, as I started going through my healing journey, I soon learned that there were better ways to talk about the person that abused me.  After all, to say that it was "my abuser" meant I was taking ownership of them.  It was my possession.

While I did not intend to make that connection, the words I used said the complete opposite.  The words made it sound to my mind as if somehow I was attached or wanted to be attached to the child abusers that did harm to me.  I know that was not the intended meaning, but it is how the words played out.

I started letting go...

As time went, I started letting go of saying, "my abuser".  I did not want to be connected to them and I did not want to hold them near and dear to me, as if they were someone with endearing qualities.  It may be a very subtle play on words, but I think it is important.  It was to me at least.

I began referring to them as the monsters who abused me or the child sexual abusers.  I would use words such as perverts because that is what they were.  As I'm writing this, I can't recall all the words that I started to use.  My main intent though was to quit possessing them as humans because they were anything but that to me.

Words have great impact...

Be careful when talking about what happened to you, because your words can impact you more than you realize.  After all, no one that has been abused as a child really wants to have anything endearing about the monsters that did these things.  Even if it is a slight connection, find a way to put things in proper perspective and reality.

To me, this was an evolutionary process of healing where as I healed, I did things that helped empower me, not take away my power.  No longer do I see the abusers as having any human qualities.  I no longer am connected to them and I've kept my distance.

To me, life is about moving forward and moving on, not holding on and possessing that which hurt me deeply.  Finding in my own life, the words that I use made a difference in how I perceived my own healing.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Boundaries And Child Sexual Abuse

This is one area I've struggled with probably as hard as any other person that has gone through child sexual abuse.  It is in respect to boundaries.  I know I'm not alone because I see boundaries destroyed every day.

When you are violated by child sexual abuse, there is no such thing anymore as a boundary.  The most intimate part of a child has been taken away.  The child is left in that moment with any control over their life, their body or what they feel and think.  Boundaries have been destroyed.

Many child sexual abuse survivors turn to either absolutely no boundaries or ones that would keep everyone out.  We can see both extremes if we pause to notice this.

I had to find better boundaries...

For me, I often attempted to build a wall and keep everyone out.  They got to see the superficial side of me, but they didn't get in any further unless they had gone through a 1000 page examination and been watched for some time.  Slowly I had to learn how to find better boundaries and attempt to let the good in, but keep the bad out.

Some days I do well on this and other days I struggle with it.  I've had people that I let in and were good for some time, then they tried to destroy me from inside the boundary.  In those moments, it hurts greatly and I pull back on everyone.

In my family, there were no boundaries...

Growing up in my family, there were no boundaries.  From having to use the bathroom with doors open (only to be reminded to close it if guests were over) to having to get dressed in front of a father that seemed to enjoy watching me, there were no boundaries.

In my family, you had no privacy or safety or alone moments.  The only way I could find any of that was to hide out in the barn and tell my cats all my personal secrets.  A journal would have only become public knowledge, but my cats would never tell anyone.

Sexual intimacy all my life was not a personal thing.  It was a family-for public viewing pleasure thing.  There were no boundaries in that, because the moment they asked you to rub their back (ask meant the same thing as expect), it was the beginning of one of those common scenarios that forced you to do things you didn't want to do.

Even taking a bath had no privacy.  I can remember all too frequently being forced to take showers with my dad or brothers.  This was to "conserve" and "save" water.  However, when you're reaching sexual puberty, the last thing you want to do is take a shower with some other member of the family.  Of course, it became much more than a shower.  There was no way to say no, either.  After all, we were only allowed one shower a week (before Church on Sunday) and so, there was no way you wanted to miss it.

Child abuse obliterates boundaries...

I could go on and on with example after example, but by now, I think the point is clear that boundaries are obliterated during child sexual abuse.  They make it difficult from that point forward trying to figure out what is the norm and what is not.

At a VOICES (Victims Of Incest Can Emerge Survivors) conference, I remember Mike Lew talking about boundaries.  He had us imagine where our boundaries were and how far out that went.  Then he took us through an exercise where we tried to extend those boundaries of safety and security.  It was not an easy exercise for me.

Ever since I started my healing journey, I've worked hard to break the silence and try to share what I went through and how I found my way back out of hell.  None of that is ever easy for me to do and at times I still hold back.  I'm still in fear of the abusers coming after me and following through on their threats.

Each day I work to regain more and more of my life, taking back my core essence and the parts that were stolen from me in the child sexual abuse.  Boundaries are still something I struggle with, but I'm learning more and more by sharing with others, just what a good boundary is and that the violations in my past were not normal. 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Child Abuse Survivors and Dental Fear

I didn't realize how much of an issue this was for many folks out there until I wrote about it.  Yes, if you have read my earlier posts on my issues with the dentist, then you will know how much dental fear I have as a child abuse survivor.

It is not easy for those that have been through trauma and torture to deal with dental fear.  No matter what I do, its still not easy.  I avoid the dentist like a poison that is gushing out of the sink.  I don't want to be anywhere close to it.

Most dentists don't care from what I've found if you have dental fear and anxiety.  Many will say they do, but they think after the first visit, all that will gone.  It is frustrating beyond belief.  I have had only two dentists that I really trust and unfortunately I live too many miles from them to go back now.

I'll never forget the one dentist who treated me and then a follow up visit, acted as if there was something wrong with me because I still had dental fear and anxiety.  Another one proceeded to make me feel pretty bad for not taking care of my teeth.  Another wanted me to go to a teeth cleaning and I thought I had found a hygienist that I connected with and trusted.  Unfortunately, the person had to be out for the day and instead of the dentist office letting me know, they assumed that I would go to the next hygienist they had on staff.

When you've been beaten, held down into a bed where you couldn't breathe and had sexual things shoved into your mouth and raped, you don't trust anyone.  I could get more graphic if I thought that would wake some dentists up.  My body was tortured and the last thing I want to do is allow anyone to have control over me and inflict pain upon me.  My anxiety begins the minute I have to start thinking about seeing a dentist and doesn't stop until there are no more visits.

I am glad there is a site called DentalFear.com and that someone is addressing this issue, because it is a big issue for many people.  They have some great information on their site which I've actually used (long before I found their site) and it does help.  It doesn't completely take care of the dental fear and anxiety for me, but it helps.

For me, I always have someone I trust in the room with me.  I take my headphones with a playlist on my ipod and play it.  I close my eyes and ask that they put something over my eyes to shield me from the light because the light really bothers me.  I'm very sensitive to light.

It helps if the dentist is understanding and empathetic who listens and takes their time.  Just trying to see how fast you can go is not good for me, because I need a rest and a break.  I need to be coached to remember to breathe and breathe deeper and slowly, because I often forget that.  Fear and anxiety are not friends of proper breathing.

I know my dental health isn't good and it embarrasses me, but until I find the right dentist and then have the necessary income, there's not much I can do about that.  Maybe there is a dentist out there that would work with me, but after several, I've given up hope that I will find one.

I'll gladly help any dentist understand what it is for me to go through a visit to a dentist office.  I believe there are probably some things that could be done to help those of us who struggle to do this.  We may all have to think outside the box, but there is a significant population who are suffering and have no one to turn to for proper teeth care.  The dental fear and anxiety is just too great.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Abused In A Christian Church

It only takes a moment for a child to be abused sexually, but it continues to haunt the child for the rest of their life.  Sure, many child abuse survivors manage to find a way to thrive and get beyond it, but when you take the innocence away from a child, they live with that for the rest of their life.

Growing up, I was abused by my father, older brother, and some unknown individual that went to a church we went to and found me in the church basement bathroom.  All of these people messed with my mind something fierce and many of them told me that they were doing this because "God wanted to show his love to me".  They did it because God told them to do it.

It messes you up...

I'm sure in their sick and twisted minds, they believed what they were telling me.  When you're taught from a little kid on up, that if God gets angry at you, you are going to that bad place, this stuff screws your mind up.  It really messes you up because you're not allowed to breathe, eat, or think anything different than what they teach you about God.

What makes me really want to puke my guts out at the thought, is when I see the baptism video of my older brother on Youtube.  Once again, he rededicated his life to Jesus.  Jesus forgave him of all his sins once again.  I've lost track how many times that has been now.  He had a good teacher, because my father was the exact same way.

Here's the blog post that I just referred to about the baptism video of my older brother.

(click image to read)

Of course, it sickens me to see how his childhood friends stand up for him and act as if he is some poor victim.  Yes, I'm sure he was abused too, but unlike him, I didn't go on and abuse others.  He made that choice and all the forgiveness by Jesus will never change that choice in my mind.

These goodie-two-shoe family of Christians that support him act like I'm the brainwashed one.  They act like I'm the criminal and the bad person for daring to break the silence and expose what they did.  I guess, I should take some solace in these fine upstanding Christians that got caught by the IRS for how they ran their shady businesses.  Hey, that's okay.  You can lie and cheat and steal and God will forgive you, but don't you dare expose a child abuser because you are the bad person.  Maybe that is why they built that church for a community I lived in?

Sickened by Child Molesters...

I know, I've been through this area of my healing many times and I have made great progress.  At least I can attempt to be respectful in what I write here, unlike before where the language would have been much worse.  Even though I try to get away from it, it still haunts me.  I'm still sickened by the way these child molesters are treated and how the enablers feel sorry for them.

It isn't just the Catholic church that abuses their little boys and girls either.  This was all done while we attended a Baptist church of the GARBC (General Association Of Regular Baptist Churches) with M.O. Burman as the minister.  It also happened in other churches too because we skipped around many times.  Life was go to church and pray and sing hymns to Jesus on Sunday and then Sunday afternoon, go home and abuse those weaker than you or at least the children and your siblings (and the wife). 

I'll never understand most likely how the sick and twisted are coddled by those that enable them while shouting praises to God in the highest.  I'll never understand why there are some that steal the innocence of a child.  It will always be a mystery to me.

I keep working it...

For now, I keep trying to continue my own healing in child abuse.  I've made tremendous strides over the years, but sometimes the anger of what I see by the ones that abused me attempts to engulf my own life.  What I went through lasted for most of my growing up years and believe me, it is not easy to free myself completely from it.  I keep working on it though!

You can read more about this church we went to in the blog post, Haunted By Ghosts Of The Past.

(click image to read)

Question Of The Day

We're you abused in the name of religion or God or a church?  Feel free to leave a comment if you were.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Breaking The Silence

An essential part of healing from child sexual abuse is telling the truth about your life.  The sexual molestation of children, and the shame that results, thrive in an atmosphere of silence.  Breaking that silence is a powerful healing tool.  Yet it is something many survivors find difficult.

The Courage To Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis (pg 92)

Math Is Hard - Part 3

Math Is Hard
Part 3

This is part 3 of a three part series.  Please read PART 1 first.

There is so much more I could write here, but to be honest trying to write any more on this blog post is just way to difficult.  It takes more than I can give at this point of myself.  I actually am trying to finish this almost a month later because it got too difficult.

The point I really want to make is that often when kids struggle in school, there are emotional reasons that many adults fail to focus on for the child.  They look at surface things and try things that do not go to the root of the problem.  I have read in various places that kids who were abused or traumatized often struggle in school.  Either they struggle to comprehend or become a perfectionist and chastise themselves for getting anything less than a perfect score. 

Trauma and abuse alter the brain.  When a child goes through events that cannot be comprehended, often the only choice the biological mind has, is to freeze in place or alter how it perceives the world around it.  Simple and normal development is arrested and while the body may continue to grow as the child gets older, the brain may still be frozen in a time of hidden secrets and horrors. 

Math Is Hard - Part 2

Math is Hard
Part 2

This is part 2 of a three part series.  Please read PART 1 first.

Once my parents found out, a school meeting was called and everyone was angry with each other.  I don't recall too much of it but the thing I do remember is in the middle of the semester, being told that I would be put back in Kindergarten so hopefully I could catch up.  It was a sinking feeling and one that I had no choice because the adults knew what was best.  No one really cared about the reason for my struggle with math.  I'm sure they all thought they were doing the right thing, but in all honesty, it did very little to address the problem.

So, when Christmas break was over, I went back to school.  This time though, instead of being with my friends and classmates, I was put back into Kindergarten with other children I barely knew.  I felt out of place.  I didn't really fit in and no one seemed to really care.  After all, you were just supposed to suck it up and move on in life.  I don't remember having many friends that year and it wasn't long before we moved to a new school in the fall.

Math Is Hard - Part 1

Math Is Hard
Part 1

For many people, the subject of math like algebra, trigonometry, and calculus, can be a nightmare.  It is too hard for some people and I happen to be in that category.  While I can do basic math and my mind can be very logical, these other subjects are like big monsters that haunt me.  I'm at a place in life where I can get by without knowing the advanced math, but I often wish it was not a mental block within my head.

You see, back in high school, I only took the required math classes I had to take.  When I went to college, I took the bare minimum to get by and graduate.  Math was hard for me.  High school algebra was to me, as difficult as trying to land a man on the moon.

Fortunately in high school, I had a wonderful math teacher who believed in me, more than I believed in myself.  Algebra was a daily struggle and even though parts of it made sense, my brain could not complete the string of thoughts in my brain to complete the calculations.  No matter how hard I tried and no matter what I did, it was hard.  I worked my tail off in every way possible to pass the class and learn the material.

Pedophiles Are Not Gay

Pedophiles Have Nothing To
Do With Gay Or Straight

I get amazed at the comments and stories that surround a major headline such as the Penn State, Jerry Sandusky pedophile allegations.  After a story breaks like this, it doesn't take long before the self righteous, narrow minded folks of our day start labeling the pedophile as a gay.  Of course, the way they come to that conclusion is not based upon fact or common sense, but that does not stop them from doing it.

Being gay or straight has nothing to do with sex!  After all do people just get married to have sex and nothing else?  The answer is NO!  While sex is part of a relationship or marriage, that's not the sole purpose for it.  Yet, too many narrow minded people try to portray gays as it just being about sex and nothing else.  Then they make the leap between that misguided thinking and they connect it to pedophiles.  Of course, I'm finding it difficult to fully explain the weird thinking that goes on in the narrow minded people.

Created By Life's Experiences

Sometimes when you walk through life it feels like you are walking alone. Many around you don't seem to understand where you are coming from or where you are going. If anything, most do not seem to share the same passion you do of focusing on what matters in life.

It can be difficult to stay the course when it feels like you are on your own. It can be difficult to stay the course when it feels like you are the only one that gets the importance of things unseen. None of these moments are easy. It takes great courage and strength to stand up in the midst of prevailing winds.

For much of my life, I cursed what life had thrown at me. I cursed the fact that I was so highly sensitive. I struggled to understand, why me! It did not seem fair or just that I would have to live with the experiences of child sexual abuse. It did not seem fair that I would have to endure the hell of it and then heal from these parts of life.

Yet, I now am beginning to see this differently. If you would have told me what I am about to say a few years ago, you would have been taking your life into your own hands. Not only was this unfathomable but so full of pain, that it would have felt like a knife being stabbed and twisted in my heart.

You see, for the first time in my life, I realize that all these experiences I have been through have made me into who I am. As horrible as they were, I would not be the person I am, full of compassion, insight and purpose. Would I liked to have gone through life without this? The answer is YES! But I know that these challenges are making me into a human full of awareness, skills, abilities, sensitives, and compassion.

So as hard as it is for me to sometimes see the big picture, I know that I have been shown a different side of life. I know that I have walked through experiences that few truly understand. However, with the purpose I have in my life, I am glad I am who I am. It gives me great courage to take the steps I need to take in life.

(c) Don Shetterly 11/29/10 - Use by permission only.