A Simple Touch Can Change So Much

If you read my blog post from yesterday on "Traumatized By Seizures", you will understand more of what I am writing today.  All too often we are just not fully connected to life, and we fail to see that a simple touch can change so much.

I'm sure we would all agree that healthy touch is good, but why is it we live in a society where touch is not honored and celebrated?  If it were, everyone would be having weekly massages and sharing hugs with one another.  Yes, I know there are some that do this, but it is more the exception than the norm.

When I went through the seizures of Conversion Disorder, I was so frightened and I felt so alone.  Yes, people were there with me, but deep inside I wanted someone to help comfort me.  I wanted to feel supported.  I wanted to know I wasn't going through this alone.

Yet, no one touched me.   No one supported me.  Everyone just stared at me through their own frightened eyes.

I have now realized that just a simple touch is what I needed.  That simple touch could have changed so much in me.  My eyes fill up with tears as I think of how alone I felt in those moments.

If you want to inflict further pain and trauma on someone, just withhold touch in a moment like this.  If you want to change someone's life, use a simple touch and see what happens.

Touch doesn't have to be extravagant and skilled.  All you need is touch that says, "I care about you or I love you."  It can be as simple as laying your hand on someone's shoulder or touching their arm.  It can be as simple as lightly caressing their arm or back, or even holding on to their hand with strength and courage.

A simple touch just requires that you show up, not to manipulate or cause anything to happen, but just to be there in that moment without judgment or preconceived ideas of what should happen.  Touch can be so light, but with your presence and your heart, you can affect so much in another person.  It can be most powerful when you are just holding the space for someone.

We can see what anger and hatred and a lack of healthy simple touch is doing to our world.  We have the power to change that.  We don't have to wait or depend upon anyone else to do it for us.

For a long time though, I was so afraid of simple touch because of how badly my body was beaten, abused, and traumatized as a small child.  It took me a lot of hard work to accept touch and to accept a hug.  If you're in doubt, ask permission from someone before hugging and touching.  In that small act of asking them permission, you might just be helping them to take major leaps in healing.

Regardless, let's get away from being afraid of touching others and allowing ourselves to be touched.  Massage, in the professional sense, is about healthy touch, and the human body really needs that.

Let's make the world a better place by realizing that a simple touch can change so much in the life of another person.  Let's not forget it can also change OUR lives in big ways.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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I Want To Be Held But I Keep People Away

Being a trauma survivor of child sexual abuse, I struggle hard with being touched.  Like every human, I do crave touch.  Yet for me, touch is not easy.  After you've been violated in ways beyond imagination, touch is just not safe.

I want to be held but I keep people away.  Unfortunately, I'm my own worst enemy.  I beg for touch.  I long for it.  I long to be held.  Yet, I'm like "keep the heck away from me.  Don't come near me.  Don't touch me.  Don't get close."

Seems odd, doesn't it, to want both things.  I mean they compete with one another.  There's no way for people to support you and touch you while keeping them away at the same time.  I'm not talking about unsafe people or bad people or ones you don't trust.  I'm talking about those close intimate and personal people in your life.

I go through periods of time where I'm okay with touch and then I go through horrible moments where the pain of the past still haunts me and I want nothing to do with it.  I feel like I make progress and then some other memory tries to surface and get my attention, and the next thing I know - I've got the "Don't Touch" sign posted for all to see.

When I first met the love of my life, I was so scared to be touched.  In fact, a hug could often make me puke even though I trusted this person and felt safe with him.  You talk about making yourself feel lonely in life - this will surely do it.  We had to have rules that we could say, STOP at any moment and we would just stop.  It was the only way I began to get past it.

Is A Hug A Good Thing?

Sometimes people just automatically assume a hug is a good thing and they should just come up and hug others without asking permission.  In my case if you do that, you'd better hope it is a good day because you might invoke an automatic response from me that will be less than good for you.  People need to consider this instead of thinking that hugs and touch are good to all people at all times.

I find myself feeling lonely and like an outcast during these times, struggling to endure life.  Yet, I realize much of it is my own making, but I struggle to get past it.  I struggle to be touched.  The thing I need the most is the thing I most hate and fear.

I know my body was violated in horrible ways and for so much of my life, but that knowledge does nothing to quench the fear that bubbles up inside of me.  I become angry that some days, I just have so much difficulty in getting past this.

Yes, I've made it a long way in my recovery and probably went through more healing than anyone could have ever expected of me.  I know I have walked through so much, but things like this still take me under at times.  They hurt from the deepest layers.

More than likely, I'm not alone.  There's a good chance others experience this, but it just doesn't seem to be discussed.  Please feel free to share and leave a comment below if you struggle with this.  I'd love to hear your story.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Through Vulnerability We Help One Another

The light touch that connects with others.  The light-hearted way you smile at someone.  Your gentle words from your compassionate heart that help break down the pains others are facing.

These are the things that make life.  With our vulnerability we help one another through tough times as well as through the moments of further growth and achievement.

It doesn't have to be the most eloquent speech or the perfect painting.  It doesn't have to be the most perfect blog post.  It doesn't have to be a moment where you know what to do next.  All it needs to be is something you give of yourself even in your own vulnerable moments.

Courage to be vulnerable...

Yes, it may take courage to be vulnerable, but the heart of another knows and connects without words spoken.  It may take a step of faith as you offer a hand of light touch or a heart without judgment, but just know that by you taking the step, you may be changing someone's life.

A person without judgment is a very smart person.  We need more people who will open their lives up and listen to another without judgment.  Judgment is very disrespectful to another human being.  It is like stabbing another person through the heart.

Give in the slightest of ways...

Don't think you have nothing to give because when you give of yourself, in the slightest of ways, this is when you've given something so great the universe rejoices.  Don't think you're never enough because the person needing your help may see you as a giant.

Sometimes we don't always need a person to help pull us up out of the mud pit we are in.  Instead, sometimes they just need us to stay with them until they find the way out.

We are humans connected by vibration and energy and love.  We are humans that need one another to strive to greater heights.  It is in the way we allow ourselves to be vulnerable with one another that we find the meaning and purpose of life.  We discover through this just what makes life so full of joy and love and happiness.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Terrified Of Body Contact

It wasn't that long ago that I struggled with being close to other people.   I wanted touch so badly from others, but I was terrified of it.  I knew my body had been violated, but I never pieced it together in those moments.  I was so very terrified of body contact.

I kept people at a distance from me.  I didn't let people touch my back, touch my arms or anything else.  The touch was terrifying.  It would make my skin crawl as if ants were walking up and down my body.  It would make me nauseous.  It would make me angry.  I would feel helpless and almost like I was being abused and raped and violated all over again.

People often think that unsolicited hugs are a good thing.  To someone that hasn't been violated sexually and physically, they most likely are.  However, in my case, they are not.  You had better be someone I completely trust and feel safe with or you will be giving me the heebie-jeebies.  You had better ask permission or I will be left feeling like you had just physically assaulted and tortured me.  There are few people who can readily hug me and I feel safe and warm and loved.  Even for the people I feel safe with, they know to check in with me before just attempting to hug me.

Gliding Massage Touch

Time and time again, I have seen massage therapists that don't connect with their own touch.  They don't seem to be aware of just what their touch does to a body.  Way back in massage school, I remember trying to help educate an upperclassman to what their touch felt like when they began a massage on me.

You see, the way in which you touch someone makes all the difference.  In the specific circumstance that I am referring to, it is that first touch or that gliding stroke down a back or other body part.  Let me see if I can describe this further.

For instance, you have the person lying face down on a massage table with their back exposed.  You have the oil on your hands and you are ready to touch them by doing a gliding stroke down their back.  It sounds wonderful doesn't it?  It sounds like just the thing anyone would like.  Unfortunately, all too often instead of gliding down on their body as a plane would make a smooth landing at an airport, it is like they drop a bomb on the persons back with their touch.  Then, they start the gliding process.

Hugging Gets Student Suspended In Florida

Our Cats Hugging,
Corey & Topanga

Seeing a headline story today that students in a Brevard County Florida school were suspended after they were caught hugging just blows my mind!  My first reaction other than shock, is that fighting and bullying go on all day long with very little done, but yet touching or hugging is the bad thing and causes someone to be suspended.  Am I the only one that sees how messed up this is in our society?

Yes, I am aware that students can do sexual movements in the disguise of hugging, but isn't a suspension just a little drastic?  Does it not send the wrong message?  After all, if parents modeled good behavior in their life, children would most likely imitate this behavior.  Maybe it would be possible for our society, our communities and our schools to stop the mind and thought control and instead teach our children how to make good choices.  Give them the tools rather than just the rules!

Impact Of Body Connections

Have you ever taken a moment to see just how much effect one drop of water can have on a pool or lake or container of water? If you put a drop of water into a container of water or pool, you will see the ripple effect through the little waves it generates. You can also picture someone skipping a rock across a lake and just watch the ripples of the waves go out from where the rock hits the water.

If you keep watching the ripples of the waves, you will see how the waves go to the opposite shore or edge of the container and then bounce back. As they come back, if you create more ripples, those will bounce into the returning waves. You could go on and on playing with this concept and in fact, if you have a body of water close by, go out and play with it. Study it from all perspectives and see just how much impact one tiny little rock, touch to the water or water droplet has on the water body you are playing with.

As you will see, the water begins to carry a life of its own, deeper and deeper into that which we cannot see. We can tell that the surface effects are there, but so much of it we miss with our eye. The events are too subtle and quick for us to see it. In one video on YouTube, you can see just what happens to a drop of water. Check this video out from the Jan 19, 2010 blog post, A Drop Of Water.

In many ways, this is how we impact the body and others around us. One little touch, one little word or action can have significant impact far beyond that which we can see. It can generate a life all to its own in the body which then goes on to have a much greater impact.

Something said out of love, honesty or in a positive way will be different than something said out of hate, negativity or leading someone on. Imagine a touch of support rather than a swat on the backside of a child and how that impacts the body. What about actions that say you honor and respect someone rather than using them to further yourself or your ego along? What impacts would each of these moments have upon not only the person or body you connected with but all the others that this person connected with?

I'm not writing this to make anyone feel bad for anything they have done. That is not my intent. The reason I write this is to be aware of your actions, words and touch in how it impacts other people. What may seem benign to you, may in fact be a tidal wave to someone else. While you cannot always go around in life watching every little minuscule thing you do, you can be sensitive to others and loving when you realize that you have harmed someone.

All too often, we worry about our own ego and our pride which keeps us from connecting with others in the way that we should. We hurt others because of our own fears and insecurities while not being human enough to own up to these things. Our words, actions and touch can either be a staff of support or a sharp knife of hurt and pain inflicting wounds. It is all up to us and how we get in touch with our own ego and fears as to what we will send out to other people.

Just having the happy thought of sending out love is not enough. It can be a good first step but if you still go and hurt others through your words, actions and touch, than sending out love is not enough. It is like a clanging symbol instead of an act of love. All too often, the healing community and humanity in general fails to see this. Yet, each day of our existence, we hurt way too many in our path. Even though people act as if they have the highest intention possible for others, the body sees the authentic nature of the connection clearly and without distortion. Our body stores that as energy which will either move a person forward or become a moment of challenge that will need to be healed.

May we be more mindful of our actions, words and touch and may they be full of awareness. May we be more authentic with the words or rituals we do rather than just giving the false illusion of following regurgitated illusions. For as humans, we have the potential to evolve and grow in awareness if we allow ourselves to travel this path.

Further Reading:
1) A Drop Of Water



Blog Post & Images (c) 4/6/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Healing Modalities Become Our Belief System

Lately I've had many body work experiences working on people, where I felt like I was doing absolutely nothing and yet, so much was going on. I was just there with the person, holding the space open with them, and allowing myself to be there in that moment.

My body, mind and my own spirit heard them and knew that with guidance, that their body realized I was there with them. I had no agenda but to work on the various planes of the body. I knew that in doing this, that I could help guide the mind to the point their own innate intelligence took over.

This is not about hookup, energy work or even about holding the space open. It is more than that. It is about helping the person to allow their own innate intelligence to express itself, in the way that is needed at that moment of time.

All too often, we as healers of the mind and body connection, are drawn to tools that become our belief system. There are many names for these tools and if you pick any healing work name, you will have found the tools I refer to. While many modalities (or healing work systems) are good, we all too often get lost in the belief system of the work. Instead of becoming one with the truth of what works from the healing system, we become a slave to the belief system of the work.

As healers, if we are not challenging all that we know or feel comfortable with, we have become one with our belief system. In order to heal, we must continue to travel into those difficult closets of our own life. Opening the doors and clearing the closets out, allow us to peel off layer after layer towards a greater awareness in our life.

Then and only then, can we see our evolution which is critical to our lives touching, helping and healing others. For if we cannot travel into the deepest parts of our own suffering, how then can we think or expect to do this with anyone else. The healing of our clients is dependent upon how far we allow ourselves to heal and evolve our own life. May we never think we have traveled as far as we can go and may we find a greater connections through our own struggles.


Blog Post & Images (c) 3/27/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

The Slightest Movement

Sometimes the slightest movement in a connected way can be more powerful than the all the energy and strength one musters up in a week.

Through The Touch

Since our body is a storage site that connects the emotions with the events, we are able to affect recovery of these events by connecting them with the body and the mind. It is through the touch and the connection with the body that we make, which provides the connection between the event, the emotions and the mind.

Excerpt from class research paper by Don Shetterly on "Reclaiming Healthy Touch"

Happy Endings NOT

Like many other massage therapists, there comes a moment when a client or potential client feels that a massage is nothing more than something sexual. Some may just assume since you are a massage therapist that it is a front for some type of sexual business. Some may refer to it as a massage with a happy ending. There are many different ways and forms that this takes from the very subtle to the outright direct requests.

I do know some massage therapists will cave in to the pressure of extra money while disregarding their ethics, morals and the real purpose they most likely wanted to learn massage. In fact, I remember one former massage therapist telling me of one of his adventures that he bragged about until I said, look - I don't want to hear it! Fortunately he is no longer a massage therapist.

It wasn't easy for me to bring this up on this blog because I'd like to pretend in many ways that it does not exist or it only exists in a few cases. Yet, I know and I get confronted with it even if it is in a somewhat joking manner. I did not go into massage to do things sexually for others. I am so repulsed by that thought that I can barely find a coherent sentence to say what I want to say.

My father used to get me to always massage his neck or back when I was a kid. While I now am understanding that I had a special touch and sense in my hands, it was how my abilities got mangled up into something I had no desire to do that caused great distress for me. While the initial request to massage his neck or back which hurt, was most likely legitimate, there were times that it led to things, no child should ever have to do with a parent. And for many years, the healing ability that I was given was mixed up with the not so good things I endured. It took a long time to get myself to the point of being able to go to massage school and learn this skill without the sexual stuff trying to take place.

One of the types of body work I prefer is the modalities that allow the person to keep their clothes on. I'm so much more comfortable working with someone in this way than having a draped but unclothed person lying on a massage table. Maybe the triggers of my past are still very prevalent. I have found that I can be just as effective through the clothes of someone as I can without the clothes. There is no difference for me in that. And it allows me to escape past some of the sexual innuendos and games that too many want to play when getting a massage.

More importantly though than my own triggers that I face is that so many in our country do not understand what massage is really about nor what it means to live in our bodies. To be touched in a safe, supportive and non-judgmental way is one of the most healthiest things we can give our bodies. Yet, many of us have been taught that to be touched is something that is equal to sex and sex is touch. While that may be true, touch in its purest form is what should be the norm in our society. There are so many examples of this around us if we only open our eyes and look at them.

I'm here to say, that if you allow yourself to be touched in a safe, supportive and non-judgmental manner, your life will positively change in many ways. The knowledge that we can gain from ourselves through touch and the metamorphosis that can take place are far greater gifts than we could ever give ourselves. Touch may be a part of sex but wholesome touch is not sex, it is much greater than that.

My hope is that anyone reading this will be a little more informed as to what massage is and what it is not. Most massage therapists do not like to have clients confuse sex and massage because it diminishes the gifts they have. Those massage therapists that do cross the lines are not only violating the code of ethics they adhere to as part of their license but they are degrading one of the most basic human concepts which is touch. Please don't fool yourself or others into thinking that crossing the line is ok.

If you do not get regular massage or bodywork done, you are missing out on so much. The body is a storehouse of so much information and sometimes that brief moment of touch can yield so much for our lives. It can truly be a beautiful thing if we allow it to be. If you're unsure about what massage should be or have questions, please feel free to ask me. I'll do my best to answer it.

From Paralysis and Fear Through Touch

Note: For a licensed print ready version, click here.

Imagine a 25 year old guy laying in a hospital bed and struggling to talk, move all parts of his body and remember basic things like his name. There was no car accident and no disease. The muscles had the same tone in them as they had before this time.

Just days before, this same guy had been an average hard working person just trying to make it in life. Of course he had the usual aches and pains that everyone has and he had been getting medical attention to deal with all of this. Of course most of the doctors didn’t have the slightest clue what to do in this situation. After a severe episode of seizures, he was taken by ambulance to the hospital only to be sent home because they found nothing wrong with him.

As the situation worsened, family and friends once again took him to seek additional medical help. Fortunately this time a neurologist knew to ask the right questions which began the road of healing for this young man. He had been diagnosed with a condition known as a conversion disorder.

Conversion disorders are technically known as Somatoform Disorders which involve physical bodily symptoms that suggest there is a medical problem when in fact no medical condition can be found. Symptoms may include anything from chronic pain, blindness, and deafness to paralysis of the arms and legs, and seizures. Conversion Disorders are estimated to occur in about 15 out of 100,000 people. It is a very rare condition.

If you have not figured out by now who this person is, it was me. I suffered through this condition in 1991 and have fought hard to overcome the effects of it. Although some sources indicate there is no treatment for the disorder, most people would not be able to tell I suffered through paralysis to the point that my brain was shutting down on me.

As part of my continued healing, I spent many years undergoing counseling and therapy to overcome the effects of this condition. With conversion disorders, there is usually an underlying emotional situation such as child abuse that goes to the root cause. I did suffer through intense child abuse as a kid and I have had to deal with the effects that this brought into my life.

For a long time in my life, I struggled with touch. Since my body was beaten and sexually abused as a kid, touch and closeness to other humans was not something that was a comfort to me. Yet at the same time, I longed for touch and I longed to be close to people because it was a very lonely life.

Several years ago, I started trying to receive massage from a very good licensed massage therapist in NC. This lady was very professional and tried to make sure she could do whatever it took to help me begin accepting touch as something good, healthy and beneficial. I think I made it through about 3 sessions before what she was doing just triggered me to past events. I still remember leaving her office that day, so silent and withdrawn, not able to say what was going on and afraid of her even though she was doing a fantastic job. Of course it was not her that I was afraid of, it was the touch.

More healing took place in my life which allowed me for the first time to accept touch in a healthy and wholesome way. As time went, I began to trust a very special person in my life and touch became so much easier than it had ever been in my life. However I went through some very intense periods where a hug would leave me feeling nauseated and I would feel at times like my skin was crawling with bugs. Even with all of the struggles I faced, my body longed to be touched and to actually feel the touch and feel the goodness that it held.

After a life changing event where I lost my mom to a car accident, I began to contemplate the future direction of my life and the role the universe was asking me to play in it. Amazingly with all of the touch issues I struggled with, I was drawn to massage school. Just before massage school, I once again had a massage and it was actually something that was a much more enjoyable experience for me. I knew that I was drawn to massage school for some reason but was not totally sure why at that point nor was I sure if I could handle learning how to touch others. Fortunately, I trusted my intuition enough and took a giant leap of faith into massage school.

I felt so at home at Educating Hands School of Massage and I felt like I would be able to learn how to trust others. So as time went and we began doing the touch on each other, I was so frightened. My body didn’t know how to take all of this and so most of the time, it just shut down to what I was feeling. I know several of my classmates were frustrated when we tried to give feedback about the massage and I had no words to describe it because I could not feel it. I knew that the massage was not bad, but I absolutely could not feel it.

With time and continued massage day after day, my body began to wake up. It started to see for the first time in my entire life just what touch was. It was like a miracle to me and as I began to feel the touch of my classmates in my body, I began to feel and sense through my fingers wonderful things that were going on inside of those people I got to work on. As school progressed and the experiences continued to come my way, my body became more awake and alive. Life started to change in dramatic ways for me.

Last July, I again followed intuition and attended a workshop by Dr. Paul Canali on the Enteric Brain. It was at this workshop that I heard someone speak a language about the body which my body fully understood and realized that no one else had ever spoken in this way. Through my continued work with Dr. Canali’s, “Unified Healing Therapy”, I am for the first time in my life becoming totally aware of what it means to live in my body. I’m actually experiencing what it means to reach a relaxed state far from the anxiety, depression and abuse that I suffered from all of my life. Touch is becoming so much more alive in me and life is becoming more beautiful with each new day of awareness that I am introduced to.

Working with people who struggle with touch takes a great deal of patience, understanding, compassion, sensitivity and non judgment. There are others out there like myself who may come across your massage table and I hope that you realize from my story that touch is sometimes a very scary thing but you may just be one of the healing stones for that person on their journey. From first hand experience, I know there is hope for each and everyone of these people and while the journey may get rough, it is well worth it in the end.