Healing The Physical Trauma of Child Abuse

Written by Don Shetterly

This Unified Therapy session wasn't easy.  It was tough beyond any words that I can write.  In fact, just getting myself to see Dr. Canali was more than difficult.  I procrastinated.  I tried to wish it away.  I tried to numb it away.

No matter what, as hard as I tried to wish it away, my avoidance was not helping the issue at all.  I was begging for mercy.  I wanted relief.  I could not find it on my own no matter what I was doing.  As I wrote a few days earlier in a blog post, it was the Rash That Won't Stop that got me to the point where I finally went to see Dr. Canali.

My life had become one of so much difficulty with little sleep.  The burning and itching I described in that blog post were no lies.  It was all too real.  My anger was hard to contain with everyone and everything.  I did not know at that moment before the session if I could make it through this.  I was not sure if I could make it through this.  The session with Dr. Canali had become my last hope.

What I had written, I shared...

I shared with him what I had written in that blog post. I couldn't even manage to get the words out.  My voice would not articulate them.  As he sat down beside the massage table and read them out loud to me, my eyes welled up with tears.  To most people, they are words on a page.  To me, they were heartaches and pain from the abuse I suffered.

As we began to go into what was coming up in my body, it was evident to Dr. Canali and myself just how locked up my pelvis and abdomen were.  In fact, most of my pants were not fitting at that time.  They felt like 5 sizes too small.  The itching in this area was intense.  Any touch anywhere close and the pain would shoot through my body like there was no end.

Moving through things, everything from the itching to the heat in my body and the pain would kick up.  We would take it as far as we could, and then Dr. Canali would allow me to drop back down.  It felt like a physical workout.  It felt like there were moments that were almost too much.  However, I knew that this was part of the healing process.

An empowerment boost of healing...

The more I started to see that we could go into all of these things and then drop back into a more peaceful state, the more empowered my body became. It was as if pushing into these difficult moments and then dropping back was an empowerment boost.  A boost that kept me taking on more of the trauma my body had been holding for many years.

Some of these trauma memories of abuse that I was dealing with, I have seen in other forms and ways at various times.  However, this one was the more physical side of being raped and held down with no way to stop it.  It started by the time I was around six years old and continued until I was much older.

As we moved through the session, we discussed those things, and I was allowed to share them.  It wasn't easy to say the words.  It wasn't easy to recognize just how much the evil and darkness of these abusers and tried to squash any hope for light and existence I had.

The Body Shows The Trauma...

The physical trauma resides in the body.  The body remembers even if we attempt to keep it from reliving memories from years past.  The brain will try to block it, but when the body shows the evidence, it is then that the brain is in survival and numbing.

As we went through the session, I could feel the physical tension leaving my body.  It was more than if I had gotten a relaxing massage.  It was where my body goes into that deep peace and rest that it desperately needs.  The itching came down.  The pain came down.  The elevated body temperature I was feeling dropped down.

I noticed as we left the office and went out into the summer heat of a South Florida afternoon, that I was tolerating the heat much better.  Before this moment, I could barely stand in the summer heat for a few minutes.

I noticed that the world around me seemed more at peace.  I sensed the quiet stillness accessible to me even though the hustle and bustle of the city continued.  I felt lighter and more joyful.  I felt more hopeful and alive than I had a little while earlier that day.

As we left to go back to the hotel, I started to notice that the pants which were tight on me before the session, were now needing a belt.  There was so much physical tension in my abdomen and waist that had released that I could barely keep my pants up.  It shocked me because it showed me just how much trauma I was holding in my physical body.

I went from not wanting anyone close to me touching me to allowing myself to be touched.  I went from wanting no intimacy to welcoming it happily.

In that session with Dr. Canali, so much physically changed in my body.  It was like I was coming back into my body and learning to live life again as was meant for me to experience.

Healing Is More Than A Mental Exercise...

Once again, the work and concepts that Dr. Canali has discovered are helping me understand what trauma does to the body and how we store all of this for years and years.  It is not just a mental exercise.  It is an exercise where you connect the mind with what comes up in the body and then you are gently guided in different ways how to let go of it all.  It is a process that helps you find deep healing and peace, that is more than a quick point of change.  This healing is lasting.

As I write this, several days after the session, I can still feel my body letting go and processing all that went on in that session.  I can feel how little moments in life kick up the body temperature or the itching while being able to talk myself back down and put reality in perspective with what I am feeling.

Yes, I've had moments of anger and frustration, but I can deal with them more appropriately than I was.  I'm able to go in and stop and rest and allow my body to just be in the moment.  I've been able to be in a hot tub and sauna, be outside in the heat of an afternoon and not feel like I was going to lose my mind or pass out and drop on the ground.

I'm working to take care of myself, changing how I see things in my life and observing how I react.  I want the reactions to be from a more mind and body centered approach than feeling like an unwilling participant.  I'm focusing on the bigger picture of my life much more than I have been and seeing how all of this plays into where my life goes.

I'm monitoring how much I let in from the world that is full of screaming, anger, rage, and disrespect because the actions I see every day do nothing to help me in my own life.  I'm allowing myself to disconnect from them and replace them with things that are genuinely helpful.  I know that if I get caught up in the darkness of the day, it will do nothing positive for me.

Most of all, I feel better.  I feel more empowered.  I feel more centered.  It is like there is now hope where I thought I had lost all hope.

I'm thankful for Unified Therapy and Dr. Paul Canali and what he knows and how he helps me.  He is one of a kind.  If there are others beyond him (and a few other practitioners) that can do what he does for me, I have not found them.  He is a pioneer in the field of healing trauma.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Bully In The House

This was my life.  I grew up in a home where the bully was in charge.  The one that said, you must believe what I say or get out.  The one that thought their way was all that mattered or it was the highway.

There was no dissent.  There was no thought about dissent.  There were many threats if you even thought about telling anyone the secrets taking place in the house.

If the threats were not enough, you watched as your pets were killed and your body was whacked with beatings and pain.  You hunkered down as the violence happened and the yelling intensified.

I grew up in this home where you either believed and thought and talked like the bully of the house wanted or you were nothing in their eyes.  If you didn't do as they wanted, you were outcast.  You were shunned.  You were given the silent treatment.

There wasn't just one bully either.  There were two.  The second felt as if I was the physical punching bag he needed.  He was bigger than me and weighed almost twice as much.  I still remember his knees jumping up and down on my shoulder as he pinned me to the ground.

Both bullies molested me and raped me and made me hate myself.  It was the house I grew up in.  I despise bullies.  I despise child molesters and rapists.

The bullies used their church and the bible and their God to torment me, and keep me in line.  It kept me silent.  They used the teachings of Jesus to proclaim to me that they did these things to show God's love to me.  They were bullies.

They brainwashed me to think that everyone else was wrong and should be despised and talked about and shunned.  I grew up learning this and seeing it in action, even as they took time out to pray to God, read their bibles and preach love.

It is easy to say not all people are like that, but when you've been through what I have, you see that those words fall short.  For you see what truly lies in a person's actions and words.  You see evidence of it every day with grandstanding, but no matter what, the bullies are still alive and kicking.

I grew up in a house where I didn't know who I was and love was something that was proclaimed, but I knew very little about it from the example I was shown.  You wouldn't have been able to convince the bullies of this.  For they thought they were self-righteous and honorable and the best loving human of all times.  They were the greatest in their own eyes and they made sure everyone knew it.

Little do they realize as they continue to practice their hatred of those who don't bow down and worship at their feet, that I no longer participate in their bullying practices.  I no longer wish to allow them to rule over me.

Yes, it means that I no longer live in that house or talk with the bullies.  It means that I am blazing my own path.  Yet, I see time and time again, evidence throughout our land that the bullies I grew up with are present everywhere I go.

It takes more than words and actions.  That's all a bully has to defy human existence and love.  A bully will convince you they are not a bully, but if you believe that, you will sacrifice your own soul in the quest for life and for your soul's existence.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Rape Victims Are Not Believed

In a recent article on Slate.com, it appears we've still got a long way to go in dealing with what far too many experience.  When rape victims are not believed, it makes their experience much worse.  It is the same for children who have been abused and molested.  If they are not believed, it makes their healing much more difficult.

If anyone understand trauma and rape is trauma, you will realize that you're often in a fog when something happens you can't comprehend.  Your mind is trying to deal with it and the pieces that are floating around.  There is no clear image and no clear account of what has happened.  I think if you study any resource out there on the subject, you'll see that many victims of trauma are almost frozen in time.

Think about seeing some scene or horrific accident.  If your mind stopped and thought about all that was going on, you would not be able to function.  It would be too overwhelming.  In that moment of trauma, your mind is trying to find a way to deal with what happened, not make sense of it.  Making sense of it is just too much to even begin asking especially at that moment.  Your mind is focused on survival, not writing a detailed account of all that happened as it happened.

In this article, it talks about a police officer who discovered that many of his fellow law enforcement officers hardly ever believed a rape victim.  The victims had a difficult time telling what happened and giving a chronological account of it. The officers did not know what to believe.  I can understand their reasoning to some degree, but any study of trauma will shed light on this.

According to a statistic the article published from the National Center For The Prosecution Of Violence Against Women, only 2 to 8 percent of rape accusations are false.  Unfortunately when you are not believed by law enforcement or others in our society, why on earth would anyone desire to go to prosecution. The victims are too worried that no one will believe them.

I remember back in the days when one attorney heard what I had been through.  He wanted to take it to court.  The statute of limitations had already expired but we could have pursued civil action.  While I would love to see those that abused and raped me go through hell, I did not want to relive all of it over again.  I was also afraid that no one would believe me because it was my word against theirs.  To the abusers, I am the one that was brainwashed.

We need to get to a place in society where we stop punishing the victims of rape and child abuse for something they did not do.  It was something that was done to them, but yet we make the victims out to be the bad people.  This happens over and over again.

To change this, we need to get rid of the laws where a statute of limitations applies.  We need to educate law enforcement and others how trauma works and what rape and abuse victims go through.  We need to stop allowing the perpetrators to get away with whatever they want to do because we are too afraid of holding them accountable.

Those that abused me are still living free and clear.  In fact, they think that "other child abusers" are bad, when they are no different.  They have gone to church and asked Jesus to forgive them, so in their mind, nothing they did in the past matters.  Unfortunately it does matter!

I'll most likely never hear the words, "I'm Sorry" for what I did.  I won't hear the words, "I'm Sorry For molesting you."  Many who have been through rape and child abuse never hear those words.  They suffer the rest of their lives in silence because of what happened to them.

If we truly want to enhance our society and evolve the consciousness of our civilization, we need to stop blaming the victims.  We need to hold the rapists and child abusers accountable for what they did.  Put the burden of proof on them, not on the victims!

If you would like to read the entire article, the story is Why Don't Cops Believe Rape Victims on the site www.slate.com.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Flashbacks Of Purple

I was reading about Marilyn in "The Body Keeps The score" by Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk.  In one section he talks about one of his patients, Marilyn, who had flashbacks of the wallpaper in her childhood bedroom.  At one point, Marilyn finally realized that the wallpaper was what she focused on when her father raped her.

In my own recovery, I remember something very similar and while it is eerie to read these accounts, it also brings solace and confirmation.  When a child abuse survivor goes through these things, you feel crazy that you have flashbacks of things that most would consider normal.  In my case, it was purple.

For a long time, I didn't know what that was.  I just knew that in the middle of the night and even at any time during the day or night, I would be frightened beyond belief of the color purple.  It made no sense.  I had no recollection of why the flashbacks of purple were haunting me.

If you want to know more about why "purple" was so haunting to me, you can read about it in my book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma, on page 10.

Healing Abandonment Experiences

I was reading a WordPress blog that I stumbled into the other day and it really hit home.  It is a topic that I normally don't hear people talk that much about, let alone share it from their personal experience.  I've went through abandonment, maybe not like some people, but in a more covert way.  I'm not sure it makes any difference how it happened, as the effects are all the same.

Another story I remember beside my own was a roommate I had in college.  He was a very nice guy and seemed to get along great with people.  He had a great personality and was fun loving in nature.  I still remember the day when he and I were talking and he shared something very personal.  He told me that a social services worker had found him in a garbage can.  His own mother for reasons he did not know, left him in a garbage can.  He could have died.  I don't remember how young he was, but I think he was just a baby.

My story is not that dramatic as this roommate story is on abandonment.  However, what I went through was more covert and more subtle.  Yes, there was the time in the hospital when I was just a baby that my mom had to choose between being close to my father who had hepatitis or stay with me.  I'm sure it wasn't that she didn't want to be with me, but he had much more control over her and he was extremely insecure.  Of course, there is no way I can recollect this in my memory, but my body still feels it.