Hurt The Ones You Love The Most

This is one of those things that I just thought was normal.  You see, when you've been through all kinds of childhood trauma, things that you go through just seem normal.  Often, you're not even aware that this isn't the way things work in life.  This topic is one of those moments.

I saw over and over how family members hurt one another.  It was common.  It was a standard practice.  It was as common as you, the reader, taking a breath every minute.  In fact, it was so normal to hear "we often hurt the ones you love" that I just thought hurting people was a daily practice that everyone did.

It gave you the license to beat your wife and your kids.  It gave you the license to molest and rape your children.  It gave you the license to treat those in the family any way you wanted because then you could just ask God to forgive you and claim, "we hurt the ones you love the most".

The empty explanation...

That was the explanation I would often get as my little body hurt from the pain of being beat or molested or raped.  That was the explanation I would see after the rage-filled screaming fits and beatings I would see inflicted on others in the family.  I learned to accept, "we hurt the ones you love the most" as something that took place in every family.

At the same time, I constantly heard that no matter what, family would always stick together.  Unlike strangers and outsiders, no one stood behind you like family did.  We needed to be proud of our family name and by god we would love one another no matter what.  Yes, but that included all the other stuff.

They ask God to forgive them...

It was probably more recently that I started to understand just how toxic and wrong this line of thinking is.  Having a friend monitor a family member, I could see this "we hurt the ones you love the most" statement play over and over again.  Then, they will go and ask God to forgive them.  Then, they will go and ask forgiveness of those they hurt, promising to never do it again.

Yep, its okay to beat your wife, your kids.  It's okay to molest and rape your kids.  It's okay because you can just wipe it away by asking forgiveness over and over and over again.  It resets everything according to those that inflict this pain, anger, and horror on others.

When I think of these moments that I've been through, I'm numb.  My mind and body want to disconnect.  I feel a sense of rage at those that did this stuff.  I struggle to make sense of it.

It's not right to inflict pain...

If you practice this "we hurt the ones you love the most" statement, then please stop everything today and go get the help you need.  This is not right.  It is not right to beat your wife or your kids.  It is not right to molest and rape them.  It is not right to watch them cower in the corner of the room hoping to escape the blows that were fast and furious.  It is not right to inflict the emotional pain upon them through the words you lash out against them.

You don't get to use the ask God to forgive you routine.  You may think it works.  Your friends may think it works.  Your church may think it works.  However, you don't get to use it.  After all, it means nothing because you'll go right back and do it all over again.  Maybe not the same day and maybe not the next day, but I'll put money on it that it will be in the same week.

It makes me sick to watch this unfold now and to know what we went through in the family.  I'm not proud of my family name.  In fact, I hate it.

Just know that if you love someone, you don't hurt them.  If you hurt them, it means you don't love them.  You can justify it all you want.  You can invoke God into it if you want, but it doesn't mean that you know the first thing about what true love is.  In fact, it means just the opposite.  So, quit trying to convince your friends, your church and those you harm that you're anything but hurt and evil and pain.

This post is written in memory of my mom for all she went through and for me attempting to take back my life from those who only saw me as someone they could harm through control, torture, and pain.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Sinning Does Not Cause Depression Or Anxiety

I couldn't believe it when I read it.  I mean, come on - there's enough people hurting in the world without trying to make up stuff that isn't true.  Depression and anxiety are very real things that many have to deal with every day.

It pains me to see anyone that suffers from depression or anxiety have to live with the ignorance that is out there on this subject.  Today though, took the cake!  It was a horrible display and makes me absolutely sick.

In the comment I read as you can see here in the image to the right, they said that depression and anxiety was caused by sinning.  Its strictly a religious thing to them.  Now, the people that made this claim are holier than thou religious people.  I get that, but it still doesn't excuse it under any circumstances!


Unfortunately these people have no clue what biology is about or what mental health issues truly involve.  They must think that medicine and science are woo woo and that their misinterpreted views of religion are the only truth out there.  In fact, I know that's how they see things.  Of course, they are allowed to hold whatever beliefs they want, but when someone starts forcing it down others in their time of distress, then I've got big issues with people like this.

I grew up in this mindset and remember when I went through Conversion Disorder, I got some of this same stuff shoved at me.  One lady told me that I didn't need to go to the hospital, I just needed to pray about it.  Never mind that I was paralyzed and could not walk.  Of course, she was speechless when I looked at her and said, "If you broke your arm, would you just pray about it or would you go to the doctor?"  You see, these people sometimes don't engage the brain cells before they open their mouth.  I know, that's a harsh statement, but sometimes you can really hurt others with these misguided words.

Anxiety and depression are real.  Suicide is real.  I've been through both and praying to God didn't cure that because it was physical and biological conditions.  You can act as if they aren't real, but just because you don't think they are real, doesn't mean you are correct!

Sometimes our words are not only ignorant, but they are hurtful.  Imagine a person that is struggling to just make it through a day and you spew your unfounded beliefs upon them like this.  It could just be the last straw in their life.  They may say enough and find a way to end things.  Your words do far more damage than you may think at times.

This is plain ignorance in my view and it angers me when I read this stuff.  If you believe in God, I would think you would surely believe that he created all things, including doctors.  Sometimes, it is better to not just claim you know something, but be silent and let the professionals help the ones that need help.  Let the compassionate people care for others and just go over into your little cave in the ground and hide for another century.

So many people deal with depression and anxiety.  They have had to be strong for far too long without any escape and it isn't an easy road dealing with it or trying to heal your life and find your footing.  Its tough at the very least.

I've been through anxiety, depression, and suicide.  I know what it is like to freak out in a store or in a car.  I know what it is like to struggle in an elevator or an enclosed room.  I know what it is like to deal with the anxiety attacks that just come out of nowhere from the slightest trigger you can't even see.

I know what depression feels like and how lonely and lost you can get.  I know the despair, the pain and the misery.  I know just how difficult it is to keep going in a day when nothing matters and  you could care less.  It is not just a temporary sadness, but something that goes much deeper.

I know what suicide is like.  I've struggled far too many times to do it and fortunately I was never successful.  When you get in those moments, nothing else matters, but comments such as the one above do nothing to help.  Suicide is a horrible moment where all that matters is hanging on long enough to make it through to the next moment.


Our words can hurt.  Our religious piety does no good for other humans.  If we truly want to help others, we need to listen with our hearts and minds.  We need to be there without judgment and condemnation.  We need to treat them as they are human, not as they are less than.

Stop the judgment of anxiety and depression and suicide, because they are real things that people have to deal with.  They aren't a punchline to get more people into your church!  Be a force of love and compassion to people, helping them find their way in this difficult world.  Don't add to their pain.  Show them love and compassion.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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People Can't See Their Own Hate

It really gets sad when we are so oblivious to our own ways that we can't see the forest for the tree standing in front of us.  Yet, another example showed up today by so many that act as if they are morally and intellectually superior.

When you make fun of another group or enjoy seeing the group get triggered by what is being said online or in the news, something is wrong.  No, I'm not making this up.  It was on Twitter.  Why should I not be surprised!

People don't even realize what their words mean or how they come across.  If they do, they don't care.  If they don't understand, it makes you wonder if they realize what being human is all about.

I see people talk about how much they love God and how their beliefs are the right thing.  In the next breath, they shower their hatred among those that they don't agree with and if you call them out on it, you're the one that doesn't understand.  They are so blind with the log in their eyes that they can't see just how their words don't match up to the concept of love.

Politics of course is ripe with hatred for one another.  They don't even care that they put down another group of people as long as it gets them votes.  Out of ignorance, they proclaim hatred all the time without skipping a beat.  It must give them a reason for their life's existence.

Online Social Media is one of the worst places to go if you want to see anything but hate.  It is so quickly displayed in Facebook and Twitter and not one of these people can see that it hurts others deeply.  In fact, I think online social media thrives on it and it is pretty sad because it really damages other people.

Why on earth would one want to intentionally inflict pain upon another person unless they are so miserable in their own life, that this is the only way they know to exist in their lives.  Maybe they prop themselves up by putting others down.  Maybe it is the way they give life and liberty and freedom to themselves, by despising those that they don't agree with and accept.

Hatred is so blinding to people and it causes ignorance to inflate as big as it can get.  It doesn't matter if the people who hate are the ones that act as if they deplore hatred, because as long as they are doing it, it makes them feel superior.  Anyone else that shows the same is acting in a stupid manner.

I'm really tired of seeing hate so displayed every day.  Surely we have the capacity to be more than that.  Surely we don't need to kill and ridicule and preach hatred from our church pulpits.  Maybe we could actually try loving one another and giving each other the respect that should be rightfully a part of being human.

Hopefully one of these days we will evolve as humans, not become those that hate more than the people we despise.  I hold out hope, but more and more it becomes harder to hold on to hope.  If we continue to hate, how long will it take before there is no one left in the world.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Abused In A Christian Church

It only takes a moment for a child to be abused sexually, but it continues to haunt the child for the rest of their life.  Sure, many child abuse survivors manage to find a way to thrive and get beyond it, but when you take the innocence away from a child, they live with that for the rest of their life.

Growing up, I was abused by my father, older brother, and some unknown individual that went to a church we went to and found me in the church basement bathroom.  All of these people messed with my mind something fierce and many of them told me that they were doing this because "God wanted to show his love to me".  They did it because God told them to do it.

It messes you up...

I'm sure in their sick and twisted minds, they believed what they were telling me.  When you're taught from a little kid on up, that if God gets angry at you, you are going to that bad place, this stuff screws your mind up.  It really messes you up because you're not allowed to breathe, eat, or think anything different than what they teach you about God.

What makes me really want to puke my guts out at the thought, is when I see the baptism video of my older brother on Youtube.  Once again, he rededicated his life to Jesus.  Jesus forgave him of all his sins once again.  I've lost track how many times that has been now.  He had a good teacher, because my father was the exact same way.

Here's the blog post that I just referred to about the baptism video of my older brother.

(click image to read)

Of course, it sickens me to see how his childhood friends stand up for him and act as if he is some poor victim.  Yes, I'm sure he was abused too, but unlike him, I didn't go on and abuse others.  He made that choice and all the forgiveness by Jesus will never change that choice in my mind.

These goodie-two-shoe family of Christians that support him act like I'm the brainwashed one.  They act like I'm the criminal and the bad person for daring to break the silence and expose what they did.  I guess, I should take some solace in these fine upstanding Christians that got caught by the IRS for how they ran their shady businesses.  Hey, that's okay.  You can lie and cheat and steal and God will forgive you, but don't you dare expose a child abuser because you are the bad person.  Maybe that is why they built that church for a community I lived in?

Sickened by Child Molesters...

I know, I've been through this area of my healing many times and I have made great progress.  At least I can attempt to be respectful in what I write here, unlike before where the language would have been much worse.  Even though I try to get away from it, it still haunts me.  I'm still sickened by the way these child molesters are treated and how the enablers feel sorry for them.

It isn't just the Catholic church that abuses their little boys and girls either.  This was all done while we attended a Baptist church of the GARBC (General Association Of Regular Baptist Churches) with M.O. Burman as the minister.  It also happened in other churches too because we skipped around many times.  Life was go to church and pray and sing hymns to Jesus on Sunday and then Sunday afternoon, go home and abuse those weaker than you or at least the children and your siblings (and the wife). 

I'll never understand most likely how the sick and twisted are coddled by those that enable them while shouting praises to God in the highest.  I'll never understand why there are some that steal the innocence of a child.  It will always be a mystery to me.

I keep working it...

For now, I keep trying to continue my own healing in child abuse.  I've made tremendous strides over the years, but sometimes the anger of what I see by the ones that abused me attempts to engulf my own life.  What I went through lasted for most of my growing up years and believe me, it is not easy to free myself completely from it.  I keep working on it though!

You can read more about this church we went to in the blog post, Haunted By Ghosts Of The Past.

(click image to read)

Question Of The Day

We're you abused in the name of religion or God or a church?  Feel free to leave a comment if you were.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Loving The Lord Is A License To Abuse Children

The recent story of Dennis Hasert and Tom Delay's letter to the court have me seriously wanting to puke my guts out.  I'm angry beyond words.  I'm struggling to make sense of this.  I want to lash out at those that abuse children.

I grew up with this mindset that loving the lord gives you a license to abuse children.  My father loved the lord and made sure we were in church every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night and any other time something was going on.  Yet, he molested me and beat me and did many horrible things to myself and other members of my family.

Now, I see that my older brother claims to love the lord and yet he did almost as much horrible stuff as my dad did to me.  He molested me almost every day of my life.  He bullied me, beat me.  He did the same to my younger brother.  He caused my mom so much grief and lied like there was no tomorrow.  Yet, he loves the lord and he is some "great christian", repeated once again.

Seeing Tom Delay try to make Dennis Hasert out to be "not such a bad guy" makes my blood boil with anger.  To me, it says if you're going to defend a person who abuses children in this way, then you're just as guilty, Tom Delay.  Maybe someone should be looking into your past.  I don't care about the politics.  I could care less which political seat they held.  Abusing children is about the lowest thing you can do.

How can  you say you love the lord and yet, you destroy one of the most intimate parts of a child?  How can you equate love with abusing children?  Do these child molesters just not understand what it is they do?  Are they that stupid or do they think we are that gullible?

There is no way you can have love in your heart and do these things to children.  There is no way you can say you love the lord while going against what Jesus said when he stated, Do Not Harm Little Children!

While Dennis Hasert only got 15 months in jail, the victims get a life sentence of hell.  They don't get to just stop thinking about being abused as children.  They don't get to stop thinking about all that was done to them.  They don't get to stop dealing with all the triggers and intimacy issues, suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety.  It stays with them forever.  If they are lucky, they will find some healing from it.

As a society we hold other law breakers up as being worse than a child abuser.  In all reality, a child abuser should get the death penalty.  They are a scourge upon society and the earth.  They are a scum that should be exiled and banished from civilization.  We should be ashamed that we as a society allow the child abusers to get such easy sentences. 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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I Live My Life

Some of the things I see people do on social media makes me wonder in amazement.  I see posts where people feel that if they say "amen" or they like and share some religious post that this is what God wants and all will be good.

I see people sharing and posting stuff (or in some ways strutting their stuff) on social media as if to show just how great they are.  Maybe that is not their intent, but it sure comes across that way.  It feels fake.  It feels icky.

We show others who we are by not only our words, but by our actions.  A person that proclaims how much they love others, may be one that doesn't truly show that through their life and actions.  A person that proclaims how forgiving they are, may be one that harbors the most resentment and forgiveness of anyone out there.

We tend to portray to the world what we want the world to see, not necessarily what is in our hearts.  Sure, we can be convincing and we can shame others through our words that we are right, but that doesn't make it necessarily true.

All you have to do is watch what people share in a day on Facebook.  Are they balanced?  Are they one-sided?  Do they just do the same thing over and over, or is there depth to what they propagate and forward on.  How much do they interact with others in a personal way rather than just forwarding on every meme that shows up?

When it comes to religious stuff, I doubt very much that God is sitting up in the cloud recording who shared or liked a post or wrote AMEN.  I could really be wrong, but I don't recall reading in the Bible that thou must share and like and type amen.  I don't really think that matters too much in the scheme of things because it would seem that you would want to really make a difference.  It would seem that it would need to be more action oriented then grandstanding.

For me, I write a tremendous amount about my life.  I don't always share every side of detail of my life, but I share a great deal of it.  I try to open my life up to help others learn, rather than hide in silence.  I try to show a balance in a day.  Although I most likely fail at this just like everyone else.

I try to live my life with actions and what I do, not just with getting up on a pedestal and proclaiming how good I am, or how much love I have or that I am this or that.  I try to just do what I feel needs to be done and let those actions speak for me.  I try to stay true to my heart and my life, not a factitious facade.

There are far too many getting up and shouting every day and missing the mark.  There are far too many trying to portray one life to the world, but yet living a completely different life in private.  Isn't it time, we start being honest with ourselves, rather than being an advertisement for life?

In other words, we need to walk the talk!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 1/8/16 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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My Beliefs Are Right

I find it disturbing to say the least, what I see taking place in this country.  I grew up in a home where the beliefs of my father and of the church were right, but anything contrary to these beliefs was wrong.  It did not matter what anyone believed.  It did not matter if I had any beliefs contrary to my father. 

We are in a time where a select few individuals are so dogmatic that if you don't follow their belief system, you are wrong and going to hell and etc, and so forth.  It is sad because I don't think that makes people strong or a nation great.  All it does is pit one group against the other.

In fact, these days the discussion in this country and world is how to stake your ground and then argue against the side that believes differently about you.  It is not about listening to one another and advancing this world forward in a positive way.  It is not about hearing each other out so we can learn from one another.

When I grew up, the sect of churches I went to was the General Association of Regular Baptist Churches (GARBC).  Now these people could ostracize you quickly if you didn't adhere to their beliefs. All of their beliefs were backed up by scripture upon scripture verse found in the bible.  They could argue with you for hours based upon the verses in the bible they knew.

Until The Next Time

A long time ago in a fairy land of make believe, there was this big evil monster.  He would slither around looking for ways to do what he wanted and then when he was caught, he would act all innocent.  His common line that he loved to make was "I asked Jesus to forgive me and so should you".

You might be thinking, well if someone truly asked for forgiveness and you believe Jesus forgave them, then why should others not do the same.  You might also be saying, well if you can't forgive them, then it is you that has a problem, and not the person committing the wrong.

Your logic could be convincing, except - it is all too often used for cover over the wrongs inflicted upon others.

You see, I heard this one a million times.  I watched my Dad and brother go to church and pray away their sins.  They claimed (in a very convincing way) that they would never do what they just did.  They would claim the devil got the best of them and now they have once again turned their life around for God.  Everyone would shout AMEN and sing hymns of praise.

Signs From The Universe

As you read this, it is probably long past the point of what happened, but I still have to share it.  I made a major decision a couple of weeks ago and if you've been following this blog, you probably have already seen it.  If not, then by the time you read this, I will be gone from the job that I worked in and was killing me physically and mentally and spiritually.

Today as I had a major shift the other day during the Free Unlimited Abundance Webinar, I am noticing many different signs from the universe.  They are showing up in different ways, forms, shapes and sizes.  In fact, it is almost amusing watching what is transpiring since the shift the other night.

From people coming up to me and wanting to talk to me, to sitting in a deserted place and all of the sudden being swarmed by various individuals to just seeing people react different to me.  In addition, there have been emails that came at the right time and other little things I've noticed.  Some of the messages have been straight forward and very obvious, others just fit in with what is going on.

How Could You Ever Think A Terrible Thing

As I was growing up, I continuously and repeatedly heard from my father that no matter what, family always sticks together.  He would strenuously insist that as a family we loved each other and by God we were always going to love one another.  If we didn't, he would be knocking some heads together.

Looking now at what has become of my family, I wonder where the family is.  We never talk.  I haven't talked to anyone in years and really don't have a desire or plan to do this.  It was my only way to survive by cutting off contact with my family.  It was the only way I could begin to slow down the anxiety attacks, begin dealing with the depression, and stop looking for ways to kill myself.

As a kid, I was super attached to my parents.  If I went to summer camp for a week, I was an emotional wreck.  I could not stand to be away from them for even one second.  This was in spite of all that was being done to me.  I attached to those that hurt me.

Healing Abandonment Experiences

I was reading a WordPress blog that I stumbled into the other day and it really hit home.  It is a topic that I normally don't hear people talk that much about, let alone share it from their personal experience.  I've went through abandonment, maybe not like some people, but in a more covert way.  I'm not sure it makes any difference how it happened, as the effects are all the same.

Another story I remember beside my own was a roommate I had in college.  He was a very nice guy and seemed to get along great with people.  He had a great personality and was fun loving in nature.  I still remember the day when he and I were talking and he shared something very personal.  He told me that a social services worker had found him in a garbage can.  His own mother for reasons he did not know, left him in a garbage can.  He could have died.  I don't remember how young he was, but I think he was just a baby.

My story is not that dramatic as this roommate story is on abandonment.  However, what I went through was more covert and more subtle.  Yes, there was the time in the hospital when I was just a baby that my mom had to choose between being close to my father who had hepatitis or stay with me.  I'm sure it wasn't that she didn't want to be with me, but he had much more control over her and he was extremely insecure.  Of course, there is no way I can recollect this in my memory, but my body still feels it.

I Don't Belong In This Family

I Don't Belong In This Family

It amazes me every time I think about how I came into this world. I'll never understand, how I ended up in this family. To me, I don't belong in this family that we share a last name together. Yes, at one time, I was just as pious, pompass and a critical a-hole as any could get.  Okay, maybe I'm giving myself too much credit here because I could never out perform others in my family in this area.

You see, we were taught to hate others and dislike and critize or put down others. Anyone who didn't think like we did or saw life the way we saw it, were less than in our eyes. We would wait until they left our presence and were out of hearing range, before we talked about them behind their back.  It must have made us feel good about ourselves while we claimed to just speak the truth.

Between Me, You And God

As I see the headlines regarding Warren Jeff's abuse of his nephew and many others, come across the news wire, I am saddened at the statement my eyes read.

Quoting from CNN.com, "He began to tell me that we were going to do God's will," he said Jeffs told him. "This is between me, you and God."

Such a profound statement that rips the fabric and essence of life from a little boy or girl, when they are abused by monsters such as this. Using religion to get their way and control the child is despicable beyond belief!

Unfortunately the words, that Brent Jeff's shared, that it was between me, you and God, are all too familiar to my ears. I heard these same words. While I am saddened that another little boy experienced these things, I'm somewhat in awe of the realization that I was not alone with this.

Pray Away The STUPID

We pause from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this breaking news update! Please stand by for an important announcement!

And now, an address from our local news pundits of the day all speaking in unison which is a first for our world.

Researchers have just discovered that you can pray away the stupid. Yes, folks, you heard it here first. One individual that was drugged, tortured and manipulated went from being utterly stupid, to intelligent. It was a remarkable achievement and only took 6 months. The researchers are now writing books based upon these findings and treatment centers are expected to crop up in cities and towns all across our news land.

Just think of what that does for our world. No more stupid people! Everyone is intelligent! No longer do we have to operate to accept stupid people as we all know this can be changed. So rush all your stupid friends and family into these clinics so they can be treated and cured! We no longer have to accept that they live a stupid life! It is after all, a choice!


Of course - don't buy into what I just wrote for one minute! It really isn't true that you can pray away the stupid, although I wish it was at times. I know that many out there use this tag-line to talk about praying away the gay. That is as stupid as what I just wrote and even more stupid in my view. (Blog Post June 12, 2011 - Anti Sissy Therapist).

We all spend our time watching and listening to what the various news channels, newspapers, commentators and pundits say. We've all got our attractions to the various points of view and that's where we go for our information. However, if you took the 30 day challenge, I would almost guarantee that life would begin to look different. (Blog Post April 8, 2011 - Clutter In Our Life, 30 Day Challenge) We are so taken in by the glitz of what is on TV, that inherently, our brains shut down. Yes, we can argue the points of the day based upon what the TV pundits we watch are talking about but does that really make us intelligent?

There is so much more to us as humans. We truly can evolve and become more aware of who we are and the role we are to play in helping advance the universe as a whole. However, we aren't going to find that listening to the current pundits of the day. In many ways, we have almost made the TV and the news that it purports to display, out to be the God we pray to. It has been a subtle shift over the years and the only fix is to take 30 days and stop watching the news on TV. Your life will be forever changed (in a good way).

We apologize for this interruption to your life and now return you to your regularly scheduled programming. Please come back at 11 for the important news of the day.


Further Reading:
1) Anti Sissy Therapist (Blog Post June 12, 2011)
2) Clutter In Our Life, Part 1 (Blog Post March 29. 2011)
3) 30 Day Challenge (Blog Post April 8, 2011)


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Triggers Are Everywhere

Triggers can get us at any time, place, moment or in any circumstance or with any person. There is no discrimination by triggers. Often when you least expect them, they rise up and smack you hard in life.

Recently I was in a workshop and got triggered so hard, the shame and pain of the trigger almost pulled me under. Fortunately, I was able to deal with it in a positive way because life was spiraling out of control very quickly. To read more, check out the blog post Healing The Triggers Of Life.

Another example was that I had gone to a Toastmasters meeting to check them out and possibly join. Toastmasters goal is to help you learn how to speak in public more effectively. The first meeting went okay with one individual significantly pushing the boundaries but I shrugged it off.

On my second visit, there was a person giving a speech who thought it was appropriate to give a sermon about God as her speech. The evaluator for her speech of course loved it because as he said, "I am a pastor (minster of a church)!" I felt violated and triggered. Later I found out that topics such as religion and politics are not appropriate for these meetings as they are not meant to make people uncomfortable. The purpose is to help people give speeches, not deal with hot button issues.

For me, going into stores during the holiday season and seeing people buy gifts for Christmas is extremely triggering. It brings me back to some very painful gift exchanges at Christmas in my early years.

Just to be in a store where it is crowded or where they have aisles filled with merchandise to restock the shelves like in Walmart, is triggering. I get claustrophobic easily and if aisles are blocked, I panic that I am trapped and cannot get out.

People (especially strangers) bumping into me are extremely triggering to me. At one time to be touched by anyone was so frightful. I have really come a long ways in this. Still, I am very guarded when I am out in public. It is hard for me to trust anyone.

Recently, I had a friend come down to visit and was triggered unexpectedly and hard when the friend left without saying goodbye. I remember the traumatic moments around my older brother getting up early, slipping out the door and driving away. No goodbye had been said and no one realized he had packed all his belongings into his car, the night before. The only way we knew he was gone was when we heard his car start as he coasted out the driveway.

Who could blame my older brother for his escape? While I had to play counselor and console my parents, I was both angry and jealous of him for leaving. I was just a teenager held captive in life that was brutally traumatic. What amazed me though was how strongly I was triggered back to these events and just how much pain surfaced as a result.

Other times in bodywork and massage, I've been strongly triggered in the role of being a massage therapist. I have had people overtly and covertly try to solicit sex from me as part of the massage. Some of it has been more of a sense and feeling than anything but each time it happens, it triggers me back to some horrible experiences I went through with my father.

I could go on and on about many more triggers. Triggers are the one thing that are abundant in my life. I wish I could wave that magic wand and make them all disappear. Often though they show up unexpectedly while surprising me with a hit and run kick to the gut.

When these triggers hit, I am trying hard to recognize them. It is so easy to continue in life thinking that everyone else is seeing the events unfold as you do. When you are able to check your reactions with people you trust, there is a chance for a different outcome. It is so easy to think that when you're triggered, how you see things is how others see them. Understanding that a difference exists is helpful and healing.

I do not try to stop my emotions or feelings when I am triggered. Instead I work to help myself understand what is going on in this situation and how it is affecting me. I allow myself to learn and work with the trigger by talking and writing about them. In addition, I also allow myself to connect with the feelings and emotions of it with where it is located in my body.

Triggers are not easy for me to deal with but I am learning that I can work with them and begin to heal from them. The more I acknowledge and give them a voice, the more energy and power that I take back from them. At times, I do try to minimize triggers in my life so that I am not completely overwhelmed.

In life, what I considered to once be a life sentence in dealing with triggers is now something I am able to work with. Even though times where I am triggered may get rough, I do realize there are other options in how I react to life. Triggers can get easier to deal with and I know that I can heal from these moments.

Further Reading:
Healing The Triggers Of Life, Blog Post on November 24, 2010


Blog Post & Images (c) 12/13/10 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Finding Self-Forgiveness and Self Love

In "Learning From The Light", Dr. Lerma shares more angelic messages given to his patients and more stories from survivors who have experienced the loss of a loved one and their visits with angels. The following is one quote from the book that I found very insightful but the stories within the book are much more depictive of what the following quote really means.

The way to God is through self-forgiveness. The way to self-forgiveness is through self love. The way to self-love is through seeking God.

- page 249, Dr. John Lerma, "Learning From The Light"

Forgiveness For Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Growing up in the house that I did, forgiveness meant something very different than what I am now learning that it means. The concept I was taught in church was to basically forgive and forget. It was a way of thinking that nothing ever happened and like the person you were forgiving basically never did anything wrong. For it was taught that this was between you and the other person and that to remember any part of the transgression meant you had not let go of it or forgiven the person.

I remember in one church I was going to, they had me come to the front of the church towards the end of the service. Most likely they had great intentions but their actions were very traumatic to me and little did I recognize it at the time. They had me kneel down and they laid their hands on my head (might have even anointed me with some type of oil) and then prayed that I would forgive and forget what these abusers has done to me. I went through the actions but you know what - nothing changed in my life. In all reality, I was in the grief and anger period of my recovery and to stop that process is in itself traumatizing.

What I am now realizing about forgiveness is that it really has nothing to do with the relationship you have to the person that has caused you wrong. It has nothing to do with forgetting what happened to you. It is not something that you need to beat yourself up if you are able to forgive at this moment or just hearing these words makes you feel angry. It is not about letting the abuser off the hook or remotely saying that what they did is okay. Forgiving is not about saying you cannot be angry at what the person did to you.

Forgiveness is a process and one that takes time to happen. It is not a one time event of prayer or repetition of some stated thought that brings you to the state of forgiveness. In fact, it is most likely not an exact moment in time although it may build up to that. If you're at a point where this entire concept angers you and you find yourself saying, there is no way I can ever forgive my abuser for what they did to me, you are fine just where you are at. I have walked in those same shoes and cursed those that proclaimed I had to forgive my abusers because I was not ready to even go down that part of my healing.

To me, forgiveness is about letting go and learning to let go of the effects of what happened to me. God knows I have the right to be angry at what they did to me. The sexual abuse I suffered through was horrific. However, I am now learning that this process of forgiveness is about me learning to let go of all the energy that I hold within my body relating to the abuse. It has nothing to do with the people that did these things because it is more about me finding deeper healing within myself.

The more I hold on to these events and allow them to control my life, the more I am hurting myself. The more I allow these people in my past to inflict their shame upon me and influence every part of my life, the more I am giving up of myself. By allowing myself to begin the process of reclaiming my life and taking back my power, I am in fact, letting go of the harmful effects of what these abusers did to me. I am offering myself up to forgiveness because I am allowing my life to connect with who I truly am. I am discovering myself and embracing all parts of myself. That is what forgiveness means to me.

It is a process and not just a single moment that sometimes takes years to comprehend. The more you allow yourself to go down into this part of healing, the more life becomes something worth living for and you begin to realize your true potential. As you begin to learn how to forgive yourself, you start to reclaim your power, your energy and the essence of who you are. In these moments, you become more human and rightfully take your place in the universe. You may find that forgiveness is a process that unfolds and then rests for awhile but picks up again in the future and allows you to go deeper into forgiveness.

Never let anyone tell you that forgiveness means you must forget what happened to you or indicate that you somehow have to contact the abuser in order to do this. This process is about your own healing journey and you accepting yourself completely and becoming more aware of yourself. It is a process and sometimes it takes a considerable length of time. Sometimes you may not even realize it is happening until you look back a few miles and see that you have actually moved into forgiveness of your own life. We all have our journey to walk and each journey is different. The important point is to remember that we need to keep walking on our journey no matter how difficult it may get.

(c) 11/9/10 by Don Shetterly - Use by permission only.

Trauma Recovery: Stages Of Anger

For me, I had to go through the stage of anger and that anger was intense. It got directed at many people and some were completely innocent, not even connected to my abuse. I did some very dangerous things at one point in my healing and could have really hurt many other innocent people. Fortunately, those times are long past but I am sad for this stage of my healing.

I believe we all have different ways that we go through healing and not one method is right for all. The anger is an important segment of it and as rough as it may get, it needs to come out.

For years, I just kept it all in because I had been raised that "anger" was wrong and inappropriate at least coming from me. Other family members could get angry but I could not. It took me a long time to allow myself to get in touch with that anger. Yes, I would bottle it up inside and cause my own self physical problems (such as a nervous stomach and ulcer, migraine headaches, vomiting, anxiety) but the only way it came out was when it exploded out of me. I had to learn that there are much safer and more appropriate ways to let it out. Actually feeling anger and connecting to it is part of being human. Holding it in is not very healthy.

As far as God goes - I was raised in a home where so much of my abuse happened at the hands of those that said God told them to do this to me. Points can be made that this isn't a true Christian, etc but the fact remains, that what I endured was so mixed up in religion that my brain has a difficult time separating the two out. I have come light years through this but God has heard his fair share of me screaming at him and calling him every name in the book. Again, it was part of my healing that I had to go through. I see God differently now though but I do understand those that blame God. I can really understand that and feel that pain.

All of the emotions and feelings that we go through in recovery are vital to our own growth. Hopefully we don't stay in those moments forever but without allowing ourselves to experience all of these painful healing moments, it is hard to fully release all of it. That takes different paths and shapes for each one of us.

And all I know for a fact is, I'm not as angry of a person as I once was. I don't hold all the anger in like I once did. I've learned many ways to let it all go and release the anger from my body as it comes up.

See Also:

1) Trauma: Release Anger In The Pool

2) Ways To Release Anger




(Above Picture from my book, A Journey Through Words. Poem entitled "Show Me Your Face" - (c) 05/06/99)



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From Intolerance To Acceptance

We stopped at a Christian thrift store the other day. While inside the store, I heard a very loud and boisterous man talking about his view of God and religion. It is a free country and he is perfectly allowed to do this. However, he was very rude in making sure everyone in the store heard what he had to say. It was like forced religious babble.

As he continued speaking loudly, he began to talk about a group of people that to him were evil and a threat to our way of life. The hatred, intolerance, and bigotry spewing forth from his mouth infuriated and disgusted me. The things he was saying were so vile and so full of hate that I could barely stomach any of the words he was speaking.

I finally had to leave because I could not take one more minute of what he was saying. I felt sad for the group of people he was degrading. I felt even more sad for this guy's intolerance. I am sure this man most likely never met the ones he was degrading.

He was hating this group of people out of not truly knowing them. His hatred seemed to arise from his fears. To be honest, I'm not sure where in "HIS" Bible, it shows that Jesus hated others and would talk this way. Yet, the man that purported to love Jesus and follow him must have missed the lesson Jesus taught where he said "Love One Another."

My ears had heard enough and to keep myself from reacting in a way that I would have regretted, I left the store. It took me awhile to let go of the anger I had at hearing these things. Every button from my past had been pushed.

It was not until we walked into another thrift store that the lady said, "welcome to our store," with a smile on her face, that I felt love and compassion for others shine through. This was not another Christian thrift store but one that valued all people as humans. In that moment, her smile of love and compassion connected with my heart. That one simple act meant the world to me in that moment. It was at that moment that I was able to let this go and change my thoughts from anger to acceptance of this intolerant man.



(Above Picture taken at Dandelion Communitea Cafe, Orlando, FL - (c) 09/17/10) Listening to the band, Dreamcatcher, perform on 9/17/10


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Highly Sensitive People and Angels

Reading the book, The Highly Sensitive Person, by Elaine N. Aron, I found a section that really hit home to me. There are many facets to people who are highly sensitive and this section I'm quoting here is just one part of what highly sensitive people are about.

"Some of you are wondering when I will talk about your own most significant spiritual experiences -- of visions, voices, or miracles, and of intimate personal relationships with God, angels, saints, or spirit guides." (page 224)

She goes on to state that people who are highly sensitive (HSP = Highly Sensitive Person) often have these spiritual experiences in abundance. While receptivity to these events seems to open up at different times in a person's life, HSP's are very open to these experiences. They sense things differently than most people and HSP's are just aware of things that most people do not even pick up on.

In the book, she goes on to share some specific, real life examples of how other HSP's have noticed these things and the experiences they have had. The book is worth reading especially if you are an HSP. It will help you realize that some of these things that you shun in life are actually blessings and gifts to your life. You will see that you aren't alone and if you are a very sensitive person, than this book will have an impact on your life. Being a highly sensitive person is much more than just being an emotional person that struggles to deal with all the energies around you in any given day. Our society often does not understand that being a highly sensitive person is a good thing and helps to balance out our society.

For a long time, I thought being highly sensitive was a curse. I knew I picked up on so much that often I was overwhelmed by so much in life. I would avoid people and crowd and usually I was very shy and kept to myself. In many ways, I still do that but I have learned more, how to be in the world, but not necessarily be overwhelmed by it. Although, I still do get overwhelmed from time to time.

Before I read this book, I was already learning that it was okay to be a highly sensitive person. I was learning that these parts of me that I had cursed all my life were actually blessings in how I would help others heal areas of their life. It took me a long time to understand any of that and see it as anything but a curse.

The book helped me understand that there were many others out there and that it was okay to be a highly sensitive person. While I'm not sure it shed much light for me, just knowing that I'm not alone, made a difference. The part at the end of the book that I quoted above was the most inspiring part to me. I've known for years that I pick up subtle energies and I know my angels are around me. What I didn't know was that this is normal for an HSP. It just helps reading that section above. It has made a big difference for me to know this.




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