How We Learned To Deal With Trauma

Written by Don Shetterly

When you grow up in situations where trauma and abuse along with emotional and mental manipulation are what you know, you never quite have a fighting chance early in life.  How we learned to deal with trauma and stress was anything but normal for us.

We were never given the tools to know what to do.  We were never taught how to deal with the situations in which we found ourselves.


We grew up learning to survive.  We grew up learning to find the way through what was happening to us in the best way we knew how.  We often were focusing our attention on that moment of abuse we were enduring.  There was no learning how to deal with the trauma, let alone the stress in our lives.

Many of us found coping mechanisms to escape what was being done.  Some of us just stuffed it deep down inside.  Some of us tried to match the pain through the self-inflicted harm we did to our bodies.  These were survival techniques we employed because we knew nothing else.

As life continued, we faced new stressors and situations in life.  The usual part of growing up in a world that is sometimes far too harsh presented more challenges.  Our early go-to techniques did not match up to what we needed for those moments, and so the trauma replayed over and over.  The stress continued to build.

Foreign Invaders Of Our Mind and Body...

Regardless, we knew we had found a way to survive through all the abuse and trauma we had once endured, so we didn't give up.  We kept fighting.  We kept trying to figure it all out, but far too often, our insight was formed because of what we had to do to survive.  What we needed to do for our body and our mind became foreign invaders that we did not trust.

As we get to our current day, the techniques that once served us well and how we survived now fall short.  They exhaust us because they no longer do what we need for them to do.  We struggle, and we fight.  Some of us fall victim to this through suicide, cutting, chronic conditions, conversion disorder, anxiety, depression and a whole host of other outcomes.

Healing is not easy.  Learning to deal with trauma and stress without the necessary tools is an epic challenge.  I know in my own life that I had to see the things which once helped me survive no longer serve a useful purpose.  In their place, I needed to find new tools that would help.

When you have been through abuse and trauma, you become the parent to yourself and so starts the journey of learning how to deal with all of this.  You become the teacher and the student at the same time.  We did not learn to deal with trauma or stress, and now it impacts every facet of our lives.

This is where support of others who have been through this comes in to help.  It is where therapists and qualified practitioners that know how to walk through the fires of trauma and abuse help our healing.  It is where the process of healing, little by little, unfolds and helps awaken us to more of who we are, that we have hidden all these years.

Learning to deal with trauma and abuse is not something that is easy.  It is a challenge on our best days, and a horror filled nightmare on our worst days.

I have found in my own life that regardless of what was done to me and what I went through, I can heal and thrive and conquer so much of what was done to me.  I will not say it is easy.  I will not say it is a quick process, but I know it is one that I'm winning.

I have learned that to heal, I must feel in my body and that the more I can safely do this, the more I comprehend.  The trauma and abuse were stored in our body, and for me to fully heal all that was done, the body is at the center of these endeavors.

Yes, I have my good days and my bad days, but my life now is much more hopeful and full of possibility than it once was.  I know that even though I never learned to deal with trauma and abuse as a kid, I'm now coming to a greater understanding of what that means for my own life.  There is hope and possibility through trauma.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Self Care Changes With Our Journey

(Written by Survive - Thrive - Conquer, Matt)

Self Care Changes With Our Journey

As human beings, we are creatures of habit. We do things on a daily or routine basis because "that's what we've always" done. I know I've said that very phrase countless times in my life whenever someone questions me, or I question myself as to why I do something.

Why do we go to the same grocery store, by the same brands of food, or stop at the same gas station? Because at one time we tried something and since the experience was positive and gratifying in some way, we just stuck with it. Over time, even with a myriad of other options, we often default back to what works for us. We are familiar with it, and we know the result of engaging in that behavior generally yields a positive result.

For example, there are two convenience stores within a block of each other, or right across the street from each other, how often do you find yourself gravitating towards one more than the other? I know for me, there are two gas stations that are on the way home from work, but I almost always stop at one instead of the other, regardless of which direction I'm headed.

Why?  Habit, Familiarity, Just Because...?

We also might be forming habits in our healing journey, in particularly with self-care. We continue to do what works for us because it's worked in the past, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it would also behoove us to keep an open mind to new experiences that might also be beneficial.

For me, self-care has always involved several Go-To options:

• Listening to Music
• Playing my bass.
• Going for a walk.
• Catching up on shows that I've recorded and allowing myself to be carried away in the story.
• Reading my Kindle.

Those things usually always work, or if one doesn't work as well as expected, I can try another and often find some emotional peace and relaxation. After all, self-care is about doing things that we enjoy, things that make us feel good, or take us away from the reality of what's troubling our minds for awhile.

But, self-care can evolve too, if we let it. As we age, our likes and dislikes can change. What we did as teenagers, we probably don't do anymore, or at least not as often or as rigorously. What happens though, since we are creatures of habit, we sometimes ignore new opportunities or brush them aside in favor of what works for us.

Case in point, I had a bit of an epiphany not long ago. Each year I go to a music festival not too far from where I live. It's always a very good time, two days of reliving the glory days and singing along to iconic anthems from a cherished time of my life. That festival has been a rock solid form of self-care for me up until this year.

On the drive home, I was pondering this and wondering to myself, "what is happening to me"? Am I just getting too old for this or is there something more profound happening in my healing journey or just my life in general?

It caused me a good deal of stress for awhile, not so much from the "getting old" thought but more from the, "why doesn't this work for me anymore like it used too" perspective.  As it turns out, after much debate in my head and talking to a couple of close friends, I concluded that my self-care routine is simply evolving.

Maybe I don't need to go to this every year anymore. Perhaps every other year would be fine, or maybe just going down for 1 of the days instead of both would do the trick. Only time will tell, but the point is, that it's okay to be open to change in self-care. Just because something always worked before, doesn't mean that we can't ever deviate or find something different, should that time ever arise.

Back to this whole creature of habit topic that we started with - do you find yourself doing the same self-care just because it's always worked or because it's become a habit?  Have you begun to feel twinges that maybe something isn't working quite the way it used too?

If you have, I encourage you to sit with that feeling, explore it, and understand that there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing to fear, and you aren't suddenly going backward in your healing. It just simply means that your needs are changing as you grow throughout this journey.

What's done the trick and been your go-to method of self-care might just be evolving into something new and exciting, or maybe just slightly different. Either way, what matters is that we do what's best for us and be open to whatever that change may be.

Rock Your Survivor Journey!

 - Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)

Read all of Matt's Columnist Posts

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Matt

Blogger
Podcaster, Author
Advocate

Visit Matt At:

Website:  SurvivingMyPast.net
Twitter:  @SurvivingMyPast

Make sure you check out Matt's Free E-book, Surviving Grief 

Check out his Weekly Podcasts every Sunday.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Memories Of Glory Days And Trauma

(by Survive, Thrive And Conquer, Matt)

If there is one point that has been driven home to me time after time, since I started my recovery journey as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it's this...

Everything goes back to when we were abused, it's all tied together and intertwined in our adult lives. To add to that point, trauma is cumulative. It continues to build on top of the original event(s).

The depression, the flashbacks, frustration about how our life turned out... anything that brings up feelings of distress can often be traced back to our trauma, any type of trauma. No matter how far removed we are in time or space, the memories are still present and can be triggered back to the forefront of our minds in a hot second.

Let's look at this in a different way.  A comparison of what it feels like to remember trauma vs. what it feels like to remember good times in our lives. Are they really connected in some way?

 

Actually yes, they can be.

Remembering the good times in our life, our Glory Days if you will... and then feeling sad, frustrated, and angry at why they had to end.

My glory days were when I was in high school. Specifically, my junior and senior year. I was able to turn my life around, and take my life back from the bullies, my abuser, my mother,  and live the life I was born to live. I was doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had cool friends, a fun job, a great little beater car, and awesome music to listen to.

Maybe for you, reliving your glory days means recalling your college years, or a time when you did a lot of traveling. Perhaps when you first met your spouse, became a parent, or found your calling in life. Whatever time you can look back on and feel like, "Damn, I was having a great time and nobody was bringing me down." Take a minute and recall those memories now.

Before we go any further, make sure that those memories are held in a safe place in your heart. Nobody should ever be able to take them away or be able to taint them in any way. They are yours and yours alone to fondly remember anytime you want.

 

Once you've done that... read on.

Now, if we think back to the feelings we had in our minds during the time of our abuse; what do those feelings look like for you?  Be kind to yourself here, friends...

For me that feels like: being scared and feeling all alone. It's a feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and confusion. Helplessness, no self-esteem, and no ability to think for myself.

Now...how do you feel remembering when your glory days started to come to an end?  Are there similarities?

• Confused? Why did they have to end...what did I do or not do to cause this change?

• Alone? You had everybody and everything, so to speak, and very few worries. Now all of the sudden you are all by yourself again and all of the worries of everyday life are coming back.

• Empty? Everything that you lived for and did, that made you feel so good is now gone and you're left with only the memories.

• Questioning your ability to make good decisions? Questioning yourself as an adult overall?

Just by those two examples alone, the way it felt when the good times ended and the way it felt during the times that we experienced abuse at the hands of someone who violated us, it affirms that as we continue to work on one part of our trauma, we also help heal many other aspects of our lives as well.

A greater understanding of ourselves helps us to feel at ease, and know that we are doing the right thing in putting in all the work needed to heal.


-Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)

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Matt is a regular columnist on Mind Body Thoughts.  He writes Survive, Thrive and Conquer monthly column.  This article is written by Matt.

To learn more about him and see all his other articles, go to Matt's Page, Survive, Thrive And Conquer.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Can You Be Authentic And Positive?

I see a lot of people preach happy thoughts.  Now I'm going to qualify that and say there is nothing wrong with happy thoughts.  However, here's the big "but" of this concept.  Can you be authentic and positive?

No, I'm not saying do you think you are authentic when you show your happy face and positive life to the world.  I'm asking if you are truly authentic.  Before you answer, "well of course I am," let me make a request.  Read through this entire post.

You see, I've got personal experience with this.  Growing up, my life was one miserable crap day after another.  I was beaten, molested, mind controlled and brainwashed on a daily basis from the time I was a baby until I went to college.  It was nothing easy that I went through.  It was pretty darn intense and I still to this day wonder how I survived.

The good thing is that I did survive and heal so much in my life up to this point, including Conversion Disorder.

But, here's the kicker...

Everyone that knew me thought I was one of the happiest-go-lucky kids there was.  I was always smiling.  I was always positive.  I never shared any of what was happening in my life because if I did, that could mean the ultimate ending punishment. 

No one thought I had a care in the world.  They thought things came easy to me.  Many were jealous.  Yet, they didn't see within the doors to my life.  They didn't know I was being horrendously abused every day.  I kept that in.  The smile is all they saw.

Sure, many don't like to hear the gory details of what I have went through.  In fact, most have never heard the whole story because I doubt many people could get through the first page of what I went through.  It is just too much and too intense for most.  You lose people quickly when they read or hear it.

Yes, I see through them...

The first thing I usually get though when I share stuff, is they look to some meme or happy thought or feel good practice.  Their uncomfortable - I get that.  Yet, most of the time it doesn't do much for me other than just know it was too much for them.  I see through the words that are spoken and written.  Yes, I see through them.

When I came out of the hospital from being paralyzed and going through the Conversion Disorder (and almost losing my life), my friends were shocked when they found out.  I still remember them saying, "you - you're the one out of our close group that had it all together it seemed".  Yep, I was pretty good and fooling everyone in life including myself.

I was living a lie...

I was positive, but at the expense of my own life.  I was on my last breaths in the hospital.  They were trying to bring me back to life.  The positive almost took me under.  Yet, I was not being authentic.  I was living a lie.

Most people I have ever seen live in numbness.  The numbness takes away their authenticity.  No, I'm not saying what most people do is necessarily wrong, they just haven't found the way out.  The positive "SOMETIMES" can cover up the pain inside.  Sometimes it is a way of standing strong in spite of all that has happened to them.  I get it.  I've been there.

It is when you decide to make a different choice and learn how to be authentic that your life changes.  Awareness has fertile grounds to grow and the more aware you become, the more conscious you are.  It is a choice.  We make it every day whether we realize it or not.

Being positive can help...

Yes, you can be positive and yes, it can be a very good thing.  In fact, being positive can really help you through some of those rough and difficult moments.  Just don't stay in the numbness where the positive acts as a wall between you and your authentic self.  We as humans and trauma abuse survivors are pretty good at covering up things by any and all means necessary. It's called trying to deal with the stuff that happened when it is anything but normal.

If you tell me that you are positive and authentic, I'll probably roll my eyes a little.  The reason is - it is a daily process and if you think you've reached the ultimate point, open your eyes and look a little further.  You'll see there is much more than this one moment you've achieved.

I'm pushing and challenging...

Yes, I'm pushing and challenging with these words, but it is the number one social media pain killer that I see.  Everything has to be so positive that people give up their authenticity.  People suffering need to know you understand what it means to walk through the fire with them, not that you will just try to turn the fire hose on the ashes.

So, are you positive and authentic or is your positiveness masking and numbing pain you wish to not see.  It is okay either way because it is the choice you're making in the moment.  Just don't let that choice stop your further development, awareness and healing.  There's more out there.  Keep grasping and reaching for it!  See if there are other choices that you can make.  Explore them!

Yes, it is possible to be positive and authentic, but...  I think we often live the illusion that we are.  We need more authentic people in this world.  We need those that have truly woken up, not just reciting the rhetoric in social media.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Survive - Thrive - Conquer - Mind Body Connection

I have the distinct honor of introducing one of my friends who is excellent at writing and blogging and being supportive of everyone he meets.  From his own site, Surviving My Past, Matt is one of those people that I instantly connected with when our paths crossed.

He's pours his heart and soul not only into his own healing, but anyone else who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I love how open he is about his own process and through that openness, he draws you into a world of surviving, thriving and conquering.  His process of learning and hope helps you learn while giving you hope.

Matt and I have shared each other's blog space a few times and I'm always thrilled to have him write for my blog.  I've been equally as happy to write for his.  I believe when we have done that, it has elevated both of our sites up to new heights.

Matt is just so darn real.  He's has the survivor cat that more than likely if you watch any of his stuff online, you'll see make an appearance.  Mia loves to steal the show.  He likes to rock the survivor journey (literally and figuratively).

So, I'm sure you will enjoy the insights that Matt shares and his desire to see us all not only survive childhood sexual abuse but thrive and conquer our lives!  You can go to his website and check out some of the awesome stuff he's got up there.  Blog posts, Videos and lots of information and connections.

Don't be surprised if Matt makes you chuckle a little bit during the day.  He's got a great sense of humor!

For more information on Matt and the articles he writes, go to the page on this blog, Survive - Thrive- Conquer. Look for his articles around the fourth Monday of each month. 

Telling Others What To Do

All too often, the opinionated in our society feel that they have all the answers.  They think it is their job to tell others what to do.  I've seen it a million times, especially when it comes to life's challenges and mental health.  Often, the ones doing the telling have no clue what the individual is going through.

When I got out of the hospital after going through Conversion Disorder, there was no shortage of people telling me what I should do.  In fact, it just got to be a normal thing to endure.  One lady in particular told me that I didn't need those doctors.  All I needed was to pray.  Whatever your view of prayer is, I responded to her that day, "if you broke your arm, would you just pray about it or would you go find a doctor?"  Of course, she did not have much to say to that one.

Sometimes when you're going through rough moments and patches where it seems dark, the last thing you need is 50 million people telling you what to do.  Most of the time they do not even know the full circumstances of what you are experiencing, but it doesn't stop them from being the authority.  Sometimes their "quick fix" is more harmful than if they just let you be.  Sometimes you just need to wallow in the mud pit to cool off like a pig wallowing in mud.

None of us truly know what the other person is going through.  For us to be telling others what to do is really more about our own ego or being uncomfortable with the subject and issue in our life.

I remember one guy that got so upset with me one time.  Here he was beloved by all and always portrayed to the "organization followers" that he was some great person with love in his heart.  However, when I came around and was sharing briefly what I had been learning in life, he thought I was going to mention that gawd-awful subject, child sexual abuse.  I had not even planned on saying that, but he made me so uncomfortable with his bully attitude just because it was an issue had had not dealt with in his life.

When you send memes to people thinking that a sentence or two will solve all their problems, you're really not helping.  You are just pushing the individual deeper into the cave of their despair.  If they could see the way forward, they would be taking the steps.  Sometimes the meme is one of most dangerous bullets that people fire at one another on social media.

Telling others what to do is not really what people surviving trauma and despair really need.  They need an ear to listen to them.  They need to know someone is sitting close by just being there with them if they falter when taking a step.  Sometimes your presence without judgement is more valuable than any word you can utter.

Telling others what to do is a horrible way for humans to interact.  It is far more helpful to people if you can share an experience you've been through - IF THEY ARE READY FOR THAT.  Have compassion by keeping your beliefs and opinions to yourself and just being there for someone.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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How Could You Ever Think A Terrible Thing

As I was growing up, I continuously and repeatedly heard from my father that no matter what, family always sticks together.  He would strenuously insist that as a family we loved each other and by God we were always going to love one another.  If we didn't, he would be knocking some heads together.

Looking now at what has become of my family, I wonder where the family is.  We never talk.  I haven't talked to anyone in years and really don't have a desire or plan to do this.  It was my only way to survive by cutting off contact with my family.  It was the only way I could begin to slow down the anxiety attacks, begin dealing with the depression, and stop looking for ways to kill myself.

As a kid, I was super attached to my parents.  If I went to summer camp for a week, I was an emotional wreck.  I could not stand to be away from them for even one second.  This was in spite of all that was being done to me.  I attached to those that hurt me.