Self Care Changes With Our Journey

(Written by Survive - Thrive - Conquer, Matt)

Self Care Changes With Our Journey

As human beings, we are creatures of habit. We do things on a daily or routine basis because "that's what we've always" done. I know I've said that very phrase countless times in my life whenever someone questions me, or I question myself as to why I do something.

Why do we go to the same grocery store, by the same brands of food, or stop at the same gas station? Because at one time we tried something and since the experience was positive and gratifying in some way, we just stuck with it. Over time, even with a myriad of other options, we often default back to what works for us. We are familiar with it, and we know the result of engaging in that behavior generally yields a positive result.

For example, there are two convenience stores within a block of each other, or right across the street from each other, how often do you find yourself gravitating towards one more than the other? I know for me, there are two gas stations that are on the way home from work, but I almost always stop at one instead of the other, regardless of which direction I'm headed.

Why?  Habit, Familiarity, Just Because...?

We also might be forming habits in our healing journey, in particularly with self-care. We continue to do what works for us because it's worked in the past, and while there's nothing wrong with that, it would also behoove us to keep an open mind to new experiences that might also be beneficial.

For me, self-care has always involved several Go-To options:

• Listening to Music
• Playing my bass.
• Going for a walk.
• Catching up on shows that I've recorded and allowing myself to be carried away in the story.
• Reading my Kindle.

Those things usually always work, or if one doesn't work as well as expected, I can try another and often find some emotional peace and relaxation. After all, self-care is about doing things that we enjoy, things that make us feel good, or take us away from the reality of what's troubling our minds for awhile.

But, self-care can evolve too, if we let it. As we age, our likes and dislikes can change. What we did as teenagers, we probably don't do anymore, or at least not as often or as rigorously. What happens though, since we are creatures of habit, we sometimes ignore new opportunities or brush them aside in favor of what works for us.

Case in point, I had a bit of an epiphany not long ago. Each year I go to a music festival not too far from where I live. It's always a very good time, two days of reliving the glory days and singing along to iconic anthems from a cherished time of my life. That festival has been a rock solid form of self-care for me up until this year.

On the drive home, I was pondering this and wondering to myself, "what is happening to me"? Am I just getting too old for this or is there something more profound happening in my healing journey or just my life in general?

It caused me a good deal of stress for awhile, not so much from the "getting old" thought but more from the, "why doesn't this work for me anymore like it used too" perspective.  As it turns out, after much debate in my head and talking to a couple of close friends, I concluded that my self-care routine is simply evolving.

Maybe I don't need to go to this every year anymore. Perhaps every other year would be fine, or maybe just going down for 1 of the days instead of both would do the trick. Only time will tell, but the point is, that it's okay to be open to change in self-care. Just because something always worked before, doesn't mean that we can't ever deviate or find something different, should that time ever arise.

Back to this whole creature of habit topic that we started with - do you find yourself doing the same self-care just because it's always worked or because it's become a habit?  Have you begun to feel twinges that maybe something isn't working quite the way it used too?

If you have, I encourage you to sit with that feeling, explore it, and understand that there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing to fear, and you aren't suddenly going backward in your healing. It just simply means that your needs are changing as you grow throughout this journey.

What's done the trick and been your go-to method of self-care might just be evolving into something new and exciting, or maybe just slightly different. Either way, what matters is that we do what's best for us and be open to whatever that change may be.

Rock Your Survivor Journey!

 - Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)

Read all of Matt's Columnist Posts

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Matt

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Website:  SurvivingMyPast.net
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Check out his Weekly Podcasts every Sunday.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Flashbacks Wipe Me Out

I've come a long way in my healing.  I've leaped over mountains.  I've not only survived what was done to me, but I have thrived and I'm conquering new worlds.  Yet, the flashbacks come up every now and then and wipe me out.

The feelings are the first to show up for the flashbacks.  Then it progresses to the hint of the images.  Next the images start to take a shape, and a larger view of what they are follows.

The night time becomes an exercise to convince my eyes that it is okay to close them for a few hours.  I try to coax my brain into turning off long enough to get some rest.  It becomes a tug-of-war, and who wins is anyone's guess.  The winner result will be known when the sun comes up.

As the images, thoughts, feelings, and sensations come on, my mind works feverishly to hide from them.  In this stage, I despise them.  I hate them.  I abhor them.  How dare they sneak into my conscious thought!  How dare they!

At times, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, not sure what to think or what I'm seeing.  At times, I just sit there bewildered and caught off guard as if my thoughts are a million light years away.

My mind tries to rationalize the flashbacks as if there was some way to make sense of them.  There is no way these images are real, I scream violently back to them.  There is no way this could have happened.  "Are you so stupid that you would think they would," I chastise myself.

Yet, myself laughs at the ridiculousness of my aversion to the flashbacks.  It knows more than I see and sees more than I know.  Yet I'm not about to give up the control.  I'm not about to hand over the keys to something I don't know exists.  No way - no how!

Then I read an article in the paper about some father sexually abusing and torturing his 7 year old daughter.  My eyes turn to rage.  I want to make that father suffer as much as he made his 7 year old daughter suffer.  For I know that this will forever change her and it will be something she has to deal with for the rest of her life.  I try to silence my rage and anger, for they will lead me down a path that will not be good.  I can only hope they lock him up for good, but I know all too well, that often the child abusers get very little punishment if at all.

The flashbacks don't stop.

The flashbacks continue.

At times, my body feels like a wrung-out wash cloth ready to be tossed into the garbage.

At times my body feels like an exhausted mess of muscles, tissues and cells all frustrated with another episode of flashbacks that I have to deal with in my life.

This is what my life becomes at times.  This is the horrible world of flashbacks that I live with from all the abuse and torture that was done to me as a kid.  I struggle to write those words because what child would even think a family member could do anything bad to them.  "How dare the child think this?" I scream at myself!  It is hard to accept.

The images aren't pretty.  It isn't only my mind that remembers.  It is the physical reactions I can see in my legs and across my skin.  It is the shivering one minute, followed by heat and sweating the next.  It is the rash that shows up.  It is the burning that I feel one minute, followed by nothing the next.

Some days I wonder if I've gone crazy.  Some days I am so tired of dealing with flashbacks that I despise the air I breathe.  Some days, I just don't feel strong enough to face them.

Yet, I know - that this too shall pass.  One of these days, things will calm down.  Yes, I know, I've got more to work through in my life and when I get through these things, there will be greater peace.

Today, that all seems like a dream.

Today, I will hold on to that dream.

Today, I feel wiped out.

(From my journal on 6/22/17)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Missing Big Chunks Of My Life

Trauma healing isn't fun, easy, or pretty.  Dealing with the memories that surface after having gone through childhood sexual abuse is like walking on land that has many mine fields.  You just never know when you're going to step on something that blows up in your face.

These days, I really feel like there are big chunks missing from my life.  I don't know what it is.  I can't explain it.  I just have that gut sense that there is more to it.

What I mean by missing big chunks of my life is that I've got a few memories scattered here and there, but there is like this big part that I can't recall or remember.  It is almost as if that part of my life didn't exist.

Then there's the emotion that I feel surrounding it, but it's not like I can explain in detail what that emotion is.  It is more of a feeling.  It is more of a confusion, trying to comprehend what is going on.

I know I've been at this point before many times and I did get through it.  It is important that I keep reminding myself of that.  Yet, it doesn't make it any easier.  I'm not about to let it stop me in my tracks either.

I wish I knew what the missing chunk was in my life.  I wish I could describe better the way it feels.  For now, I've got to be content in just knowing that at some point it will make itself known and I'll have an opportunity to go further and deeper into my own healing.

I thought it would be helpful to others if I just shared this part of my process.  Hopefully, it will help someone else know that they too are not alone, and that others have walked these same paths.

In the end, I recognize that it is part of my healing process - part of my ongoing healing process.  Healing from trauma is not a one time event or a level you reach.  It is an evolution that takes you further through the deep layers of the pain and into the more joy filled parts of who we truly are.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Memories Of Glory Days And Trauma

(by Survive, Thrive And Conquer, Matt)

If there is one point that has been driven home to me time after time, since I started my recovery journey as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, it's this...

Everything goes back to when we were abused, it's all tied together and intertwined in our adult lives. To add to that point, trauma is cumulative. It continues to build on top of the original event(s).

The depression, the flashbacks, frustration about how our life turned out... anything that brings up feelings of distress can often be traced back to our trauma, any type of trauma. No matter how far removed we are in time or space, the memories are still present and can be triggered back to the forefront of our minds in a hot second.

Let's look at this in a different way.  A comparison of what it feels like to remember trauma vs. what it feels like to remember good times in our lives. Are they really connected in some way?

 

Actually yes, they can be.

Remembering the good times in our life, our Glory Days if you will... and then feeling sad, frustrated, and angry at why they had to end.

My glory days were when I was in high school. Specifically, my junior and senior year. I was able to turn my life around, and take my life back from the bullies, my abuser, my mother,  and live the life I was born to live. I was doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. I had cool friends, a fun job, a great little beater car, and awesome music to listen to.

Maybe for you, reliving your glory days means recalling your college years, or a time when you did a lot of traveling. Perhaps when you first met your spouse, became a parent, or found your calling in life. Whatever time you can look back on and feel like, "Damn, I was having a great time and nobody was bringing me down." Take a minute and recall those memories now.

Before we go any further, make sure that those memories are held in a safe place in your heart. Nobody should ever be able to take them away or be able to taint them in any way. They are yours and yours alone to fondly remember anytime you want.

 

Once you've done that... read on.

Now, if we think back to the feelings we had in our minds during the time of our abuse; what do those feelings look like for you?  Be kind to yourself here, friends...

For me that feels like: being scared and feeling all alone. It's a feeling of worthlessness, emptiness, and confusion. Helplessness, no self-esteem, and no ability to think for myself.

Now...how do you feel remembering when your glory days started to come to an end?  Are there similarities?

• Confused? Why did they have to end...what did I do or not do to cause this change?

• Alone? You had everybody and everything, so to speak, and very few worries. Now all of the sudden you are all by yourself again and all of the worries of everyday life are coming back.

• Empty? Everything that you lived for and did, that made you feel so good is now gone and you're left with only the memories.

• Questioning your ability to make good decisions? Questioning yourself as an adult overall?

Just by those two examples alone, the way it felt when the good times ended and the way it felt during the times that we experienced abuse at the hands of someone who violated us, it affirms that as we continue to work on one part of our trauma, we also help heal many other aspects of our lives as well.

A greater understanding of ourselves helps us to feel at ease, and know that we are doing the right thing in putting in all the work needed to heal.


-Matt (SurvivingMyPast.net)

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Matt is a regular columnist on Mind Body Thoughts.  He writes Survive, Thrive and Conquer monthly column.  This article is written by Matt.

To learn more about him and see all his other articles, go to Matt's Page, Survive, Thrive And Conquer.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Matt

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Mental Health Matters - Mind Body Connection

Today I get the wonderful opportunity to introduce a great friend of mine, Jody.  She is one of my new regular columnists on the Mind Body Thoughts Connections.

Her blog will be on the subject of "Mental Health Matters".

I met Jody online through Twitter.  I believe it was a connection through Matt, who also writes a column for my blog, "Survive, Thrive, Conquer".

Jody's insights and tweets and blog posts caught my attention because I could tell that she was sharing them from her heart.  Out of her own painful experiences in her life, she was reaching out and trying to help others who were searching for their own way to heal.

Jody's passion and insight are things I truly admire in her.  Everything I read from her feels so heartfelt and authentic.  Often I can see myself in much of what she writes.  She is very encouraging to others who are struggling and often reaches out to just let you know she is thinking about you.

Mental health is an issue that many struggle with in this world.  All too often there is a stigma against it as if someone is damaged goods or weak or just not valued.  People who struggle with mental health issues need help and support and to know that things can get better.  They don't need to be ostracized and looked down upon by people in our society.

I so look forward to what Jody will share with this blog, and her articles are always top notch!  Welcome aboard this team, Jody.  I am so happy to have you as a part of this endeavor, as we reach out and support those who need it.


For more information on Jody and the articles she writes, go to the page on this blog, Mental Health Matters.  Look for her articles around the first Monday of each month. 

Survive - Thrive - Conquer - Mind Body Connection

I have the distinct honor of introducing one of my friends who is excellent at writing and blogging and being supportive of everyone he meets.  From his own site, Surviving My Past, Matt is one of those people that I instantly connected with when our paths crossed.

He's pours his heart and soul not only into his own healing, but anyone else who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.  I love how open he is about his own process and through that openness, he draws you into a world of surviving, thriving and conquering.  His process of learning and hope helps you learn while giving you hope.

Matt and I have shared each other's blog space a few times and I'm always thrilled to have him write for my blog.  I've been equally as happy to write for his.  I believe when we have done that, it has elevated both of our sites up to new heights.

Matt is just so darn real.  He's has the survivor cat that more than likely if you watch any of his stuff online, you'll see make an appearance.  Mia loves to steal the show.  He likes to rock the survivor journey (literally and figuratively).

So, I'm sure you will enjoy the insights that Matt shares and his desire to see us all not only survive childhood sexual abuse but thrive and conquer our lives!  You can go to his website and check out some of the awesome stuff he's got up there.  Blog posts, Videos and lots of information and connections.

Don't be surprised if Matt makes you chuckle a little bit during the day.  He's got a great sense of humor!

For more information on Matt and the articles he writes, go to the page on this blog, Survive - Thrive- Conquer. Look for his articles around the fourth Monday of each month.