The Hit And Miss of Pharmceuticals

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Unless I am passionate about something, I am generally the “quiet one”, especially in group situations. Writing has always been my release, my way to get the trapped emotions and silenced words out;  my way to turn my traumas and tragedies into something tangible that others can relate to and know they are not alone in their thoughts.  Yet I have been staring at this blank sheet for days now, feeling more and more frustrated as each failed attempt to write passes by.

All writers get writer's block now and then, and there are numerous ways to cope with that.  However, this is not writer's block.  For me, this is a case of “meds brain” or “brain fog”, a term you may be unfamiliar with if you have had the luxury of not having to take medicine to help control your illness, but if you have, many of you may understand the frustration of it all.

The first time I tried an anti-depressant was about 15 years ago, and aside from the numerous side effects, the pills themselves turned me into a walking zombie. So after quite a few months, I decided that they were not for me. I weaned myself off and decided that would be the last time I tried any medications that would change the hormones in my brain.

After all, who wants to take a pill which comes with a two-page, small print insert containing the possible risks and side effects, running the gamut from dry mouth and headache to brain zaps and body twitches? The best irony is that it may increase suicidal thoughts, which was the reason I went on medication in the first place. We don’t give people with cancer a pill that may increase their cancer, but after six to eight weeks it may help it to get better.

About two and a half years ago I found myself in crisis and at the emergency room at my local hospital. After being briefly assessed by a social worker and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and major depression and anxiety.  It was deemed that I was not enough of a risk to harm myself, so I was given a prescription and sent on my merry way with a follow-up appointment three weeks later.

So now I have a predicament because I have sworn off anti-depressants and this doctor wants to give me both an anti-depression and a mood stabilizer, neither idea I am particularly fond of.  The option is staying in this deep depression or trying a different approach to get out of it. So I fill the prescription and start taking the pills and within five days the side effects start to sneak up quietly.…the headaches, nausea, the lack of energy and the worst of all, for me anyway, is the feeling of brain fog.

For me, brain fog feels like having half of your brain hijacked. It takes twice the amount of mental energy to be able to focus, concentrate, or make the simplest of decisions. I mean really, how I stand in the cereal aisle for ten minutes, glancing over the 50 types and brands, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated that I can’t make a simple choice, so I leave with muffins instead simply because there were only six types to choose from.

It feels like my brain is surrounded by a constant dark cloud, making it more difficult to see things clearly. It almost feels like minor dissociation, where I am aware and conscious of my words and actions, but part of me feels like I am somewhat detached from them and the emotions surrounding them. As a writer, I feel I cannot connect with my readers if I am coming from a non-emotional mind, and the words fail to flow as freely as they once used to.  That is beyond frustrating.

I have had to change medications 12 times. Some were from the severe side-effects I was experiencing, and others were simply making me progressively worse, sinking me further into the hole I was so desperate to climb out of.  I have tried anti-depressants of all types, mood stabilizers, anxiety medications and numerous combinations of all three, but have yet to find the mix that is right for me.

At present, I am on one of each of the above and was just given another anti-depressant to add to the cocktail, leaving me struggling once again with side effects that may or may not last from a pill that may or may not work in six to eight weeks.  I am willing to try just about anything to further my healing, so if that means being a human guinea pig, so be it.

Due to the lack of research and funding in the area of mental health, pharmaceuticals are given to us on a hit or miss basis. There has been no PET scan or any other type of test done to determine exactly which hormone needs increasing or decreasing, and so, often we are given the latest and greatest on the market or the one recommended by the last pharmaceutical representative that dropped off samples at the doctor’s office. The pen goes straight to the prescription pad, upon which time you are told to fill the prescription, take the pills as directed and come back in six to eight weeks if they aren’t helping, and “we will try something else”.

What is truly misunderstood by the prescribers of these drugs is the true side effects people feel, not the ones written on the back of the box. One wonders if they had to take them themselves, would they be so quick to hand them out with so frivolously with so little knowledge?

I am by no means an expert on medications. I am, however, well read and well informed about the medications I am taking, and I would recommend that everyone be their own advocate for medicine when it comes to their mental health. Despite the position of power and authority a doctor holds, don’t allow yourself to be intimidated, for it is you that is actually in the driver's seat.
Be an advocate.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Genetic Link with Adoptees and Suicide?

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Children are placed for adoption for a variety of reasons. It is true that many are born to mothers whose choice was based on reasons of selflessness and love, but the harsh reality is that some adopted children were abandoned, unwanted, abused, neglected, and even made victims of sex trafficking or other crimes.

Sometimes adoptive parents and adoption agencies are aware of the circumstances surrounding the placement; sometimes they are not, yet, if adopted children are loved and cherished and raised in wonderful, stable homes, why are they more likely to commit suicide?

Studies have found that the odds of a reported suicide attempt were 4 times greater in adoptees compared with those who were not. There could be a few reasons behind this elevated number, one being the fact that adoption, or the separation from one’s mother, is in itself a trauma; Another reason is that adoptees often lack any type of family history or medical background, which could include mental illness or even suicide, which in itself could induce anxiety in the adoptee.

As an adoptee, there is almost an invisible line dividing one from the adoptive family, simply because things like looks and even personality characteristics are different from the rest of the family. Anxiety and depression can also occur because, even though an adoptee may have only known love and family security,  many may also grapple with the idea that if they were chosen, then it is possible for them to be “un-chosen”

This idea can occur even if the child has only ever been shown unconditional love and acceptance. I had a foster sister for nearly two years when I was around five to seven, and when she went back to foster care, was the day I knew I was expendable. After all, if she could be returned, surely so could I.

Adoptive families must recognize that their child may have feelings of depression, anxiety, abandonment, and loss, even if their adoption occurred during infancy and especially if the circumstances surrounding the placement are unknown. Doctors and other professionals encourage adoptive parents to help their child learn as much as they can about their biological heritage if the child has a desire to know.

Parents who have frequent and open conversations with their child about their adoption are more likely to be aware of the concerns and feelings of their child and will be able to help their child navigate through the fears that naturally occur. Adoptive parents need to be extremely aware that even though they have loved their child from the start, their adoptive child may need more than love.

However, perhaps there are more than just external circumstances that lead to suicidal behaviors and thoughts. A new study from the Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Toronto, is suggesting that there is evidence that a specific gene, which is involved in the development of the nervous system may be linked to suicidal behavior. CAMH scientists have found that among people with a psychiatric diagnosis, those who had a specific variation of the gene were at higher risk of suicidal behavior.

The mutated version of the gene may cause a chemical imbalance in the brain, which in turn may lead to suicidal ideations and actions, and may also provide a link to a genetic trait. Some scientists suggest that genetic factors seem to play a role in 30%-50% of cases with suicidal behavior, independent of other psychological disorders or environmental stressors. The hope being that the beginnings of this discovery could eventually lead to the development of genetic tests which could help to identify those at risk.

I am adopted. My birth mother, who I never met, had five suicide attempts before succeeding on the sixth. My half-sister (same mother) has survived two attempts, and I have survived three. Three related people, three different environments and one commonality…suicide, perhaps supporting the theory that being suicidal is not completely environmental and possibly there is some genetic base that further complicates the situation.

It's very possible there is a genetic link according to research.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

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How Does It Feel To Be Adopted

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Someone asked me a question a while ago, to which I did not have an instant answer. She had asked me “what’s it feel like to be adopted?” and my instant reply was “how does it feel to not be?” but long after the conversation ceased, I found the question still rattling around in my brain.

I began pondering the many emotions and thoughts I have had over the years regarding my adoption and decided to try and answer that question from my perspective, which, please keep in mind, is not the average adoption. Every adoptee is going to have their own experience, which in most cases does not mirror mine.

Adoption is a weird amalgamation of rejection and acceptance. I was adopted at 18 months old and had bounced through multiple foster homes before I arrived at my permanent family, and although I was too young to fully comprehend the situations I had been through, I knew something was wrong. There was never a time that I did not know I was adopted and my parents made sure it was an open issue should it be something I ever chose to explore.

I was told the typical things by my parents…you were chosen, so that makes you even more special, or that someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure and although I tried to believe their words and intentions I never for one day felt like I fully belonged. After all, to be “chosen” means you were already “un-chosen”. I often felt like I wasn’t actually chosen, I was next on the list of children up for adoption, and they were the next parents waiting.

For me, there has always been a sense of detachment, not only from my parents but from most people. I wonder if it comes from being chosen rather than being “born to”. Not only did I deal with feeling unwanted and not good enough, from being given away, but I also felt like I was disposable; I had been given away once, and then in my case four times after, so there was obviously something wrong with me; something that made me not good enough to be loved and cared for at such a young age.

When I was around five years old, my parents fostered a girl a few years older than me for a period of time that I can’t recall, due to circumstances which I cannot remember; she left our home and was placed back into the foster system. I never heard from or saw her again. From that day on began an innate fear of being abandoned to wherever it was I came from. After all if they could return her, they certainly must be able to do the same thing with me. This is the base for my deep seeded fear of abandonment and insecurity.

There is an odd feeling of disconnect that comes with adoption. Perhaps it is the not knowing; the curiosity about our family of origin and our birth parents background. It was always weird to me to see other kids who looked like their families or brothers and sisters that looked alike. It made me wonder who I look like…do I have my father’s eyes and my mother’s lips, or did I have a sibling somewhere that I resembled, someone with similar features to mine? I yearned to look around and be able to see someone that looked like me.

As I grew older I wondered about such things as my personality traits, my abilities and my physical and mental health background. There was always a curiosity if I was talented at soccer because my father was athletic, or maybe my passion for reading and writing came from my mother, but instead I am left with a sense of transience and curiosity.

There were times I wondered if either of my birth parents came looking for me, or if they ever thought of me, or if I was just a forgotten part of the past. I wondered why she gave me up and how she felt about doing so. I grew up with an innate sense of rejection and wondered if she ever felt bad for abandoning me. Were her reasons legitimate or was I just too much of a burden.

It was in my early twenties when I learned her background and her propensity for drugs and alcohol and suicide attempts so maybe she really did give me away in hopes of a better life, or maybe she abandoned me to get back to partying. So many answers to my questions were buried when she died, before I had a chance to meet her, and I think because of that I have had to make peace with creating and living with my own answers.

So adoption for me, to sum it up, feels like being loved on the surface and not unconditionally. It feels like not quite ever being able to find your place in a family, a relationship, workplace or even the world. It feels like living with a never ending curiosity which you know will never be satisfied with the truth.

Most of all for me, it was the sense of being abandoned so many times and living with the fear it could happen again. That fear, unfortunately became the driving force in my life and by allowing that I have lived my life doing anything and everything to avoid abandonment, when in reality, that is just not possible. I often heard my friend’s parents tell them they love them no matter what…that sense of unconditional love I crave so badly but will never receive is something that has left a void deep down in my soul.

I just wanted to belong.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Jody

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Loneliness Can Break Your Heart

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

We all need human contact. Human beings are social creatures by nature and although isolation is a comfort for many, human communication is vital to survival. Isolation, in many cases, leads to a deep sense of loneliness which is such an overwhelming feeling.

You feel like you have no one and nothing, and will do almost anything not to have to feel it. It is like you are drowning in a lake with people in sight but no one close enough to throw you a line.  That is the worst kind of loneliness.

Feeling like this is not only emotionally devastating but research is showing that loneliness and social isolation can impact a person’s health, causing problems ranging from high blood pressure and obesity to heart disease and stroke,  much the same as anxiety and depression. Some researchers have indicated the increased rate of illness as high as 30%.

It could be because people who feel alone are generally isolated and tend to take poorer care of themselves. They have worse diets, generally not enough sleep or exercise and are more prone to not sticking to their medication routine or doctor’s appointments.

After all, when you are alone, you are reliant on your own motivation, and let’s be honest, when you are feeling that low, self-motivation is a near impossibility. Top that off with the depression or anxiety or whatever other mental health issue you are dealing with and the cumulative of those factors could drive up blood pressure which could in turn lead to heart issues.

Loneliness is an independent condition, even though one condition may affect the other. So for example it you were treated for depression or anxiety, the symptoms of those may dissipate but that does not mean the loneliness does.

There have been studies on the biological effects of loneliness, particularly on the stress hormone cortisol, as well as the link tied to hardening of the arteries which also leads to high blood pressure and increases risk of heart disease and stroke.  Researchers define loneliness as the gap between a person's desired and actual social relationships  and chronic loneliness can wreak havoc on your blood vessels and heart by undermining regulation of the circulatory system so the heart works harder and the blood vessels become more subject to damage.

Though they may not be aware of it, lonely people tend to perceive social interactions as more negative and threatening than others do, leaving our brains on constant alert for social threats. This persistent state of stress affects the cardiovascular system. Studies have found that people who were less socially connected had higher blood pressure as well as higher levels of inflammation markers in their blood, while others suggested that the risk of solitude is comparable to that posed by high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and even smoking.

Loneliness and isolation also appear to take a toll on a person’s lifespan, with some research suggesting that the increased risk for heart attack, angina or death by heart disease is 30%, and the increased risk for stroke by 32%, for both men and women.

So as much as your illness is telling you to isolate and feeding into your feelings of loneliness, try and fight it the best you can. Try to allow yourself a small support group, be it with friends or family or even in the online world. Sometimes the company of a distant stranger is welcome; non-judgmental support from people who may be struggling with loneliness can be as well. Not only is it important for our mental health, but as studies may be proving… loneliness can literally break your heart.

Being alone can break your heart——literally.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

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The Forgotten Reason in “13 Reasons Why”

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

I certainly am not one to jump on the bandwagon. I generally let it pass by watching the fickle people jumping on and off trying to chase and follow the latest trend, so it is almost to my surprise that I find myself writing about the latest craze of controversy, which happens to be the Netflix series called “13 Reasons Why?”

I am quite sure that you have either watched it or at the very least heard of it, as it has stirred up discussions from the water cooler to the media. I will admit that curiosity got the best of me and I binge watched the entire series just to see what had stirred up such fuss and dialogue.

There are hundreds of blogs and articles with varying opinions both praising and criticizing the show for its approach on the taboo topic of teen suicide and underlying subjects of rape and bullying. Being both passively and actively suicidal my entire life, and having lost people by suicide, has given me the ability to empathize with both the supporters and the critics.

To an extent, as a teenager, I was Hannah Baker as and I am sure thousands of others identify with her depth of pain in one way or another. I have had suicide attempts as a child, a teen and an adult, and the thought process with all of them was different due to what I could fully understand at each age.

As a child, it was impossible for me to comprehend the repercussions of “if you touch Grandma’s pills you will get sick and could die.” I had been to a funeral by age eight and although I had no idea of the permanence of the situation, I did know that dead meant no longer here, and as all the adults at the funeral had said, “at least she’s not suffering anymore”. If you put those two thought processes together at such a young age, you can get the basics of how I came about to my first suicide attempt.

As an adult, the rationale behind my attempt was a lot more clear and concise. I also fully understood the long term consequences of my decision and the affect it would have on certain people. It was not an irrational, spur of the moment thing that I would regret but a precise plan which would achieve the final goal of ending my suffering.

Being a teenager is a completely different ball game all together. With hormones bouncing around like a rubber ball and emotions running rampant, the thought process could vary from minute to minute. I noticed a lot of people commenting on how it was wrong of Hannah to lay the blame for her suicide completely on other people, and although I don’t agree that was the intent, I can see that view as well. I can also tell you that as a suicidal teenager, you do, in part lay the blame on other people, because that is generally what they do at that age anyway. In my eyes at the time, I blamed my molesters, my parents and a few other people that I felt should have somehow known and helped. Maybe it was not right to lay the blame with those who I felt caused my pain and suffering, but a teenage mind is far from fully developed, and often irrational, and right or wrong, that is how I saw things, as did Hannah.

I agree that this show could potentially be triggering for some people, and I am glad that more warnings have been added before each episode. I also know that curiosity often gets the best of human nature and regardless of the fact that we know it may trigger us, we still sat down and watched it. I know for me personally, sometimes it is almost a way of self-testing your strength, or the power you have or don’t have over your triggers. I knew ahead of time certain scenes would get under my skin but I pushed through, testing myself episode after episode, regardless of any trauma it may or may not leave on me. I don’t know if I will ever know if it was my curiosity or the self-destructive part of my illness that was the ultimate driving factor to me watching the show.

There is much controversy over the graphic showing of Hanna’s death and although I admit I did not expect it, it’s closer to reality than some glorified, peaceful death. There is no beauty in suicide. It is not clean and painless. We do not just drift off into sleep and quietly pass away. There is no possible way to glorify the depth of pain that one feels in order to take one’s own life, be it pre-planned or an irrational moment.

Here in Canada, the scene caused enough ruckuses that the school boards felt it necessary to send home warning letters to parents regarding the potentially triggering topics of the show, and actually included information on prevention and communication as well as hotline numbers. There is discussion about how the rape scene and cyber bullying is not properly addressed. There is conversation over the educational systems lack of support, and even questions about whether the tapes and suicide were a cry for attention.

People are enthralled in the discussion via one aspect or another, regardless of the criticism or praise, and that is the one thing that everyone seems to be forgetting. Regardless of how you feel about the show, you are now discussing and reading about topics which you may never have before. People complain that it shouldn’t take a TV series to get subjects like suicide, rape and bullying to the surface, but that is the world we live in. A musical artist dresses one way, and we have a generation of kids with pants beneath their asses. Lady Gaga says she has PTSD, and all of a sudden it is front page news. So, this show did the one thing that is perhaps the most important… it not only started the conversation, but brought it to a whole new level.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Jody

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Depression And Medical Marijuana

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Many people experience depression and often try to treat it with anti-depressants or other related medications. Some are weary of medications and stick strictly to therapy and yet others find the combination of the two the way to go.

Treatment is highly individualistic and often becomes a game of trial and error. There are people who also seek alternative medicine in the form of medical marijuana. It has been legal for a few years here in Canada to get a medical marijuana card and there are numerous physical conditions which may qualify you, however, with the legalization of marijuana upcoming in Canada in 2018, the debate over its use for mental health purposes rages on.

This deliberation has been ongoing for centuries, and it is reported that as early as 1621doctors in India were using cannabis in the treatment of depression, and in 1887 an American physician and professor celebrated the ability of cannabis to subdue restlessness and anxiety.

Marijuana first entered my life when I was about 12 years old, and my mother was going through chemotherapy from breast cancer. The side effects in the 1980’s were beyond description as compared to today and after each treatment came days of sickness and severe nausea. The medications prescribed to treat the side effects caused their own problems, often worse than the ones from the chemotherapy.

She had gotten a new, young oncologist who had suggested that marijuana had been known to help with nausea and if she was open to the idea, to give it a shot. So, I got some cannabis for my mom and we started at first by adding it to her protein shakes, then using it in baked goods and we noticed not only less nausea but an increase in appetite as well.

The doctor also noted that certain strains would help with the anxiety and depression that comes with being terminally ill, and so we played around until we found a combination that helped to ease some of those symptoms as well. That is just my story and I am not endorsing the use of cannabis nor am I speaking against it, I am just speaking from my experience.

There does not appear to be enough conclusive evidence of its efficacy or lack thereof, in the treatment of certain mental illnesses as of yet, and in most cases, it still does not have the backing of most physicians due to the controversy surrounding marijuana’s role in depression because of a seemingly consistent correlation between the two. Of the studies that have been done, many seem to reach the same conclusion; that it is unlikely that cannabis itself leads to depression, and more likely that those who suffer from depression and anxiety use marijuana to self-medicate.

In fact, some researchers have found that low doses of cannabis increased serotonin levels in the brain, which helps to improve mood, while higher doses of cannabis tended to increase symptoms of depression because the serotonin levels were depleted.  There is also the theory that cannabis has been shown to improve depressive symptoms by stimulating the endocannabinoid system and its receptors which are located in the brain and are involved in a variety of physiological processes including appetite, pain-sensation, mood, and memory. Cannabis may also have less or milder side effects as compared to many of the anti-depressants prescribed.

Pro cannabis people say that as long as the strain is correct and the dosage is accurate, marijuana can be a very effective treatment for stress, depression and anxiety by allowing the person to either focus on the situation objectively or by offering peace of mind enough to forget it for a while. It can be used in a hurry by smoking or vaping or maintained with patches, capsules or edibles.

Best of all, withdrawal symptoms are comparatively minor and it does not require a weaning off process as compared to most anti-depressants., however, as it stands, there simply isn't enough research to assert that cannabis definitively improves depression.

Depending on the strain and the dosage, the effects of cannabis on mental disease is largely variable, but that doesn't mean that marijuana shouldn't be used to treat depression and anxiety if the individual prefers it. In much the same way a person is encouraged to shop around for the ideal antidepressant, so, too, should they be allowed to choose cannabis.


Personally, I have dabbled with different cannabis strains for my depression as much as I have had to dabble with multiple depression medications before finding something that works. Treatment is completely individualistic and you should do whatever works for you and if cannabis is a part of that treatment plan then you should have the right to choose that option.



Jody (Jody's Blog)

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BPD Thoughts From The Borderline Community

A diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is misunderstood by most. Regardless of the number of times we try to explain it nothing seems to clarify it enough that we feel truly understood. Hell, most of the time we can’t understand ourselves so trying to explain it to the average person becomes a task of selecting the right words.

The only other people who could possibly comprehend the heightened emotional sensitivity and rapidity of the mood swings are those with a BPD diagnosis.

No matter where you get your information on BPD you will find in common nine defining criteria:

1. Frantic and desperate attempts to avoid any type of abandonment, imagined or real.
2. Distorted and unstable sense of self.
3. Unstable personal and business relationships.
4. Impulsive reckless behaviors that are self-damaging excessive spending, unsafe sex or substance abuse.
5. Suicidal and self-harming behavior.
6. Periods of intense depression, anxiety and irritability lasting from an hour or two, to a few days or weeks.
7. Inappropriate, intense or uncontrollable emotions often followed by shame and guilt.
8. Chronic feelings of emptiness.
9. Dissociating or disconnection from your thoughts and sense of identity.

During your research you will also run into numerous articles and opinions labeling us to be manipulative and attention seeking or that we use our illness as an excuse for our uncontrollable emotional outbursts. So instead of getting into big long explanations about each one and how they affect my life, I decided to ask people in the BPD community what they feel is the most challenging part of their illness to deal with. Here are some of the comments I received.

“It’s the sudden drop in mood that is hardest for me. For example, after having a lovely lunch with a friend, I can be driving home and all of a sudden feel suicidal. My current coping strategy, is to text two trusted friends and tell them how I feel.”

“I find one of the hardest things is the name calling…dramatic, negative, attention seeking and other thoughtless words being thrown around by loved ones claiming to support me, and even after explaining BPD and them saying they understand, the name calling continues and causes more damage.”

“For me it is the lack of verbal impulse control and instant reactions. Words are out of my mouth before I even have a chance to process what I have said, and sadly cannot be taken back once spoken, along with the guilt of having unjustifiably saying terrible things.”

“My feelings are the worst because I can feel them all the time. I know it sounds weird but I feel them physically in my chest and not so much in my head. My thoughts annoy me but my feelings are worse. There’s an entire dialectic debate conflicting in my mind between the rational and what I feel is true and I end up hurting people and feeling worthless, often to the point of being suicidal.”

“I struggle a lot with being able to saying no and setting any healthy boundaries be it friends, family or co-workers and often have difficulty recognizing what is good for me and what is bad for me. I have an intense fear of standing up for myself for fear or repercussions or abandonment.”

“The bouncing around from emotion to emotion…going from hyper to hypo sensitive and spending no time in the middle is physically and mentally exhausting.”

“The hardest part for me is my impulsivity. Having tried committing suicide six times, they have all been from rash decisions. I go from zero to waking up in a coma without thinking.”

“I am always being made out to be just too emotional because of my lack of emotional impulse control.”

“Always being on high alert for fear of abandonment which inhibits most relationships because we want to keep you close but are so afraid of you leaving we push you away when we really don’t mean to.”

“For me, it is the constant battle of resisting the urge to self-harm or self-destruct.”

“The ignorance of people about the disorder and the label attached to the word “borderline”, hence it possible being renamed in the next DSM…people are freaked out by the word Borderline which makes us highly misunderstood.”

Those are just a range of the comments that I received from people who are affected by Borderline Personality Disorder that will perhaps open your mind a bit to the insights of people with this illness. Thank you to those who reached out and opened up in order to help educate others.



Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Borderline Personality Disorder Misinformation

The label Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) does not do justice to the emotions felt by those affected. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is likely to be the replacement, which is getting closer to describing what we go through. The problem is the “symptoms” of BPD are in such a broad spectrum, they cross over into many other mental illnesses.

As I started to learn more about BPD, I was disgusted to see the number of articles that enforced the theory that because BPD is primarily treated with therapy and behavioral changes, it is not an illness, but rather an excuse for being manipulative and abusive; another reason to not take responsibility for the impulsive behaviors and the suicidal thoughts that are seen merely as cries for attention. The amount of stigma and misinformation out there is baffling.

Let me tell you firsthand that life with BPD can be an emotional hell.  I wish there was a pill to help alleviate the symptoms, because it certainly is easier to swallow a pill than it is the truth. I would love to get up in the morning, pop a tablet and have even one day that my mind is not an emotional battleground. It is so effortless compared to the work required digging through your past, and the difficulty in unlearning things you have done your whole life. The behaviors have been repeated so often they have become a part of who you are, or at least who you think you are, and unlearning them is incredibly difficult and painful.

Understand that our mood swings are so intense that they are either at one end of the spectrum or the other. There is little to no middle ground. We are either in a state of hyper or hypo arousal, which basically means we are constantly on guard, whether it be during an up period or a bout of depression. We have little control over the timing of our moods swings happen or for how long they will last. We are on high alert because we are constantly afraid. We lack a solid sense of self which not only enables our fear but causes us to be afraid of our own reactions to things. We are terrified of being abandoned or left in any manner and the smallest inclination of someone doing so can send us into an emotional and verbal frenzy.

We are not trying to manipulate or abuse anyone, and if it comes across as doing so, please know there is absolutely no intent or malice involved. Our lack of impulse control is perhaps the most difficult part of having BPD. We may be ok one minute and the next we are spewing words we will end up wanting to take back. There is no rational mind when we are triggered by something, we are running completely emotively and our reactions are so instantaneous that the situation quickly spirals out of control. We fear being left so much that we say something in one breath and are apologizing in the next. We want you so close we hold on too tight and then fear of abandonment takes over and we push you away and then reach to pull you back as quickly as possible for fear of being alone. All this can occur in a time span so short we hardly have time to process what has just happened.

As for suicidal thoughts or self-harm, they too are ruled by our lack of self-control. In no way are they cries for attention. At the time they are uncontrollable, instant reactions driven by our emotive brain, and that theory is largely supported by the incredibly high number of suicide attempts involving people with BPD. Cutting is, once again, an impulsive way to try and alleviate the emotional distress we are under at the time, an instant distraction from the pain.

When we are of rational mind, we are aware of all of these things we do. We know our behaviors are impulsive and wrong, we just don’t know yet how to stop them. We punish ourselves in any way possible, physically and mentally, questioning every word we have said, every word said by others, and words not yet spoken. We are harsher and more critical of ourselves than we would ever be to someone else. There is nothing anyone can say to me that my inner critic has not already said a lot more harshly and multiple times.

So if you happen to be someone researching BPD, be it for yourself or someone else, please take what you read with the proverbial grain of salt. We are not manipulative, selfish, abusive monsters. We do not do things to hurt other people, we are just quicker to self-protect. We are still the people we were before we were diagnosed, and sadly that is too easily forgotten. We are the same as you except we wear our emotions on the outside, whether we like it or not.

Jody (Jody's Blog)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

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