Seeing The Good In Mental Health Issues

By Don Shetterly

One of the things that I think depression and trauma do is alter the reality of how we perceive life.  Seeing the bad and the horror becomes commonplace.  Only seeing the struggle is what many do every day.

There are many that will sing the praises of happy thoughts or religious beliefs hoping to delay the what their mind tries to shove in front of them.  It is almost as if they have become so numb and disconnected, but have done so without authenticity.

No, I'm not saying that happy thoughts or religious beliefs don't have their place.  They are one thing that we turn to because the going has gotten so rough.  Sometimes they are the lifeline from one moment to the next.

However, if we're not careful, these thoughts and beliefs will do as much damage as the horror negative attacks we place on our lives.  They don't bring us into the body or the mind.  Instead, they keep us as far away as they can.

When the good stuff actually happens, we're so accustomed to feeling the negative and the horror, that we barely see the positive.  Sometimes we've got our mind set on happy thoughts and religious beliefs, that we still miss the positive impacting us.

It is too easy to slip right by the good happening in our life, and that's sad because after a life of depression, anxiety, horror and trauma, we need to see some silver linings.  If our mind and the body is stuck in neutral or in reverse, how will we ever travel the miles through the good that lies before us?

I believe from my own experiences and what I have seen in others, that we need to learn how to experience the full breadth of our emotional existence.  Whether it is negative thoughts, criticism, anger or happiness, love, and peace, we need the full range.

Without the full range, we're not fully human.  We are disconnecting and numbing parts of our life.  Without sadness, can you understand happy?  If you aren't in touch with anger, can you truly experience peace?  If you don't know what criticism is, does love fully make sense?

I'm not saying we stay in any one of these emotions, but we recognize them for what they are.  We look at them as having a place to help bring us further into awareness and consciousness, not remain disconnected and numb.

Finding our way through depression and mental health issues is challenging at best.  However, let us make sure we don't keep ourselves from seeing the good, not just the bad.  It is there if we allow ourselves to see it.  Closing our eyes will not make it appear.

Try to not forget the good with the bad.  You may need to consciously remind yourself to look for the good, but it is there.  Sometimes, it does take some effort to not let the negative completely take over our lives.

Mental Health Awareness is More Than A Tweet

Written By Don Shetterly

There are some things I'm so annoyed by online that I can't hardly bring myself to think calmly about them.  I keep seeing everyone tweet, like, and share online that we need to promote mental health awareness.

While that is great, this is where it seems to stop.  We don't go any further than a tweet.  We don't really jump into it.  We just tweet, retweet, share and like and feel like we are doing something.

Two times, I've put out real hard information and helpful events that were "free" but in both cases, people ignore it and move on to the next mind-numbing tweet of the day.   There is no sign up for the event.  There is no sharing of the event to help others.

All we do is sit back and like or retweet that we need to bring mental health awareness to the world.  Great - I'm for awareness, but if that is where it stops, then what are we doing?  Are we just puffing up our tweet ego for the day?

If I'm upsetting you, I'm not going to apologize because I see this over and over every day.  Helping others with mental health issues and suicide is much more than saying that's what you do.  People need real help, not words on a screen.

Yes, I know the subjects are difficult to deal with and everyone wants to hide their heads in the sand.  Yes, I know that there are many ways to help and some people do all they can.  However, the number of tweets about mental health awareness far outnumber the actual things people do to really help.

We need to get off of our proverbial social media butts and do something good, rather than just claiming mental health awareness.  When events come along, support them.  Don't just ignore them.  When people need help, be there for them, just don't give them platitudes.

Lastly, if all we do is scream at others for not understanding the pain we are in, then we're not helping them to learn.  We end up turning them away.  Share your story with them.  Share not only your pain and struggle but what is helping you and what you are learning.  Offer a hand of support to others, not a bat to beat them over the heads.

(click to read)

I cringe every time I see the mental health awareness tweets go through because there are far too many that stop at the water's edge.  People struggling with mental health and suicide need others physically to be there for them.  Words on a page do very little.  Thoughts and prayers are empty if no action follows.

Ok, that's my soapbox.  If I have offended you, I'm not going to offer an apology right now.  I want people to be offended so they get up off their proverbial social media butts and do something.  If making someone upset that they aren't doing enough gets someone doing more than this blog post accomplished its purpose.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2/27/18 by Don Shetterly

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Holden On Showing At SF IndieFest

Did you hear?  Holden On is showing at the SF IndieFest!

This movie is for those that deal with mental health issues and mental illness.  It is about starting a discussion and raising awareness for anyone that deals with mental illness.

When I first saw this movie in Orlando at the Orlando Film Festival, it impacted me so much.  While I had no set agenda that day attending the film festival, I stumbled into this movie and I am glad I did.

I could tell you all about it, but here's a video clip of the movie, produced by Tamlin Hall.

• Short Trailer (30 seconds)
• Original Trailer (1:30 seconds)

If you would like to know more about it, check out the interview I did with the producer, Tamlin Hall.  The Mental Health Secret Of Holden On.


If you live near San Francisco, get your tickets today.


Please pass this on to everyone you know!  We all need to do everything we can to help those with mental health issues.  If we sit by in silence, then they suffer in silence.

Suck It Up And Move On

Written By Don Shetterly

These words make my skin crawl with disgust for humanity.  When I see someone tell another person going through a difficult time to suck it up and move on, it saddens me.  Why on earth would you make this statement to anyone?

We all have our difficult moments and issues in our life.  Sometimes they are not easy to just move on to the next moment as if they didn't happen.  They are often complex and require little steps towards healing and moving on.

No one can tell another when they should move on.  If we have not walked in the shoes of another and we don't know what they are dealing with in their life.  In fact, even though it may appear to us that they are not moving on, they may, in fact, be making significant progress.  They may be taking big leaps when we cannot see it.

It is not up to us to be heartless and mean and uncaring to someone by telling them to suck it up and move on.  I believe this is about as low as you can get on being human.  Okay, there are other things much lower, but this ranks right down at the bottom of human consciousness.

Telling someone to suck it up means you're telling them to ignore what it is they are feeling or have experienced.  You're saying to those who are struggling that what they are going through does not matter.  Most likely how it makes you feel is more important than what they are going through at that moment.

When others are going through difficult moments, one of the worst things is to listen to people telling them to suck it up and move on.  In fact, that's a recipe for major health issues, mental health struggles like depression and anxiety and suicide.  It is a recipe for adding stress to your life and setting up moments in the future where you don't deal with things in a healthy way.

If you can't be there for the person with empathy and compassion, maybe the best thing to do is run along into the woods.  Perhaps it is a time for you to do some soul-searching about what it means to be human.  You're not helping anyone if you are making statements like this to others.  You're hurting them in ways you don't even understand.

(click to read the blog post)

The world needs those who are peaceful and loving.  We don't need more judgment and condemnation.  We need empathy and love, compassion and understanding.  The world needs us to show up for one another and help support each other as we walk through this journey of life.

Be human and stop telling others to suck it up and move on!  You'll be doing the world a big favor.  You will be impacting the world in a positive way.

Extend your arms of support to people.  Don't harm them more when they are facing difficult moments.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/21/17 by Don Shetterly

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The Hit And Miss of Pharmceuticals

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Unless I am passionate about something, I am generally the “quiet one”, especially in group situations. Writing has always been my release, my way to get the trapped emotions and silenced words out;  my way to turn my traumas and tragedies into something tangible that others can relate to and know they are not alone in their thoughts.  Yet I have been staring at this blank sheet for days now, feeling more and more frustrated as each failed attempt to write passes by.

All writers get writer's block now and then, and there are numerous ways to cope with that.  However, this is not writer's block.  For me, this is a case of “meds brain” or “brain fog”, a term you may be unfamiliar with if you have had the luxury of not having to take medicine to help control your illness, but if you have, many of you may understand the frustration of it all.

The first time I tried an anti-depressant was about 15 years ago, and aside from the numerous side effects, the pills themselves turned me into a walking zombie. So after quite a few months, I decided that they were not for me. I weaned myself off and decided that would be the last time I tried any medications that would change the hormones in my brain.

After all, who wants to take a pill which comes with a two-page, small print insert containing the possible risks and side effects, running the gamut from dry mouth and headache to brain zaps and body twitches? The best irony is that it may increase suicidal thoughts, which was the reason I went on medication in the first place. We don’t give people with cancer a pill that may increase their cancer, but after six to eight weeks it may help it to get better.

About two and a half years ago I found myself in crisis and at the emergency room at my local hospital. After being briefly assessed by a social worker and a psychiatrist, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and major depression and anxiety.  It was deemed that I was not enough of a risk to harm myself, so I was given a prescription and sent on my merry way with a follow-up appointment three weeks later.

So now I have a predicament because I have sworn off anti-depressants and this doctor wants to give me both an anti-depression and a mood stabilizer, neither idea I am particularly fond of.  The option is staying in this deep depression or trying a different approach to get out of it. So I fill the prescription and start taking the pills and within five days the side effects start to sneak up quietly.…the headaches, nausea, the lack of energy and the worst of all, for me anyway, is the feeling of brain fog.

For me, brain fog feels like having half of your brain hijacked. It takes twice the amount of mental energy to be able to focus, concentrate, or make the simplest of decisions. I mean really, how I stand in the cereal aisle for ten minutes, glancing over the 50 types and brands, feeling overwhelmed and frustrated that I can’t make a simple choice, so I leave with muffins instead simply because there were only six types to choose from.

It feels like my brain is surrounded by a constant dark cloud, making it more difficult to see things clearly. It almost feels like minor dissociation, where I am aware and conscious of my words and actions, but part of me feels like I am somewhat detached from them and the emotions surrounding them. As a writer, I feel I cannot connect with my readers if I am coming from a non-emotional mind, and the words fail to flow as freely as they once used to.  That is beyond frustrating.

I have had to change medications 12 times. Some were from the severe side-effects I was experiencing, and others were simply making me progressively worse, sinking me further into the hole I was so desperate to climb out of.  I have tried anti-depressants of all types, mood stabilizers, anxiety medications and numerous combinations of all three, but have yet to find the mix that is right for me.

At present, I am on one of each of the above and was just given another anti-depressant to add to the cocktail, leaving me struggling once again with side effects that may or may not last from a pill that may or may not work in six to eight weeks.  I am willing to try just about anything to further my healing, so if that means being a human guinea pig, so be it.

Due to the lack of research and funding in the area of mental health, pharmaceuticals are given to us on a hit or miss basis. There has been no PET scan or any other type of test done to determine exactly which hormone needs increasing or decreasing, and so, often we are given the latest and greatest on the market or the one recommended by the last pharmaceutical representative that dropped off samples at the doctor’s office. The pen goes straight to the prescription pad, upon which time you are told to fill the prescription, take the pills as directed and come back in six to eight weeks if they aren’t helping, and “we will try something else”.

What is truly misunderstood by the prescribers of these drugs is the true side effects people feel, not the ones written on the back of the box. One wonders if they had to take them themselves, would they be so quick to hand them out with so frivolously with so little knowledge?

I am by no means an expert on medications. I am, however, well read and well informed about the medications I am taking, and I would recommend that everyone be their own advocate for medicine when it comes to their mental health. Despite the position of power and authority a doctor holds, don’t allow yourself to be intimidated, for it is you that is actually in the driver's seat.
Be an advocate.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

Read all of Jody's Columnist Posts

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Jody

Guest Blogger
Writer
Survivor, Warrior, Conqueror

Visit Jody's website at

Jodyb2016 Wordpress

  

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Genetic Link with Adoptees and Suicide?

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Children are placed for adoption for a variety of reasons. It is true that many are born to mothers whose choice was based on reasons of selflessness and love, but the harsh reality is that some adopted children were abandoned, unwanted, abused, neglected, and even made victims of sex trafficking or other crimes.

Sometimes adoptive parents and adoption agencies are aware of the circumstances surrounding the placement; sometimes they are not, yet, if adopted children are loved and cherished and raised in wonderful, stable homes, why are they more likely to commit suicide?

Studies have found that the odds of a reported suicide attempt were 4 times greater in adoptees compared with those who were not. There could be a few reasons behind this elevated number, one being the fact that adoption, or the separation from one’s mother, is in itself a trauma; Another reason is that adoptees often lack any type of family history or medical background, which could include mental illness or even suicide, which in itself could induce anxiety in the adoptee.

As an adoptee, there is almost an invisible line dividing one from the adoptive family, simply because things like looks and even personality characteristics are different from the rest of the family. Anxiety and depression can also occur because, even though an adoptee may have only known love and family security,  many may also grapple with the idea that if they were chosen, then it is possible for them to be “un-chosen”

This idea can occur even if the child has only ever been shown unconditional love and acceptance. I had a foster sister for nearly two years when I was around five to seven, and when she went back to foster care, was the day I knew I was expendable. After all, if she could be returned, surely so could I.

Adoptive families must recognize that their child may have feelings of depression, anxiety, abandonment, and loss, even if their adoption occurred during infancy and especially if the circumstances surrounding the placement are unknown. Doctors and other professionals encourage adoptive parents to help their child learn as much as they can about their biological heritage if the child has a desire to know.

Parents who have frequent and open conversations with their child about their adoption are more likely to be aware of the concerns and feelings of their child and will be able to help their child navigate through the fears that naturally occur. Adoptive parents need to be extremely aware that even though they have loved their child from the start, their adoptive child may need more than love.

However, perhaps there are more than just external circumstances that lead to suicidal behaviors and thoughts. A new study from the Center for Addiction and Mental Health (CAMH) in Toronto, is suggesting that there is evidence that a specific gene, which is involved in the development of the nervous system may be linked to suicidal behavior. CAMH scientists have found that among people with a psychiatric diagnosis, those who had a specific variation of the gene were at higher risk of suicidal behavior.

The mutated version of the gene may cause a chemical imbalance in the brain, which in turn may lead to suicidal ideations and actions, and may also provide a link to a genetic trait. Some scientists suggest that genetic factors seem to play a role in 30%-50% of cases with suicidal behavior, independent of other psychological disorders or environmental stressors. The hope being that the beginnings of this discovery could eventually lead to the development of genetic tests which could help to identify those at risk.

I am adopted. My birth mother, who I never met, had five suicide attempts before succeeding on the sixth. My half-sister (same mother) has survived two attempts, and I have survived three. Three related people, three different environments and one commonality…suicide, perhaps supporting the theory that being suicidal is not completely environmental and possibly there is some genetic base that further complicates the situation.

It's very possible there is a genetic link according to research.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

Read all of Jody's Columnist Posts

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Jody

Guest Blogger
Writer
Survivor, Warrior, Conqueror

Visit Jody's website at

Jodyb2016 Wordpress

  

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Hurtful Words Of Healing And Support

 Written By Don Shetterly

Do we ever stop to think about what we say to others?  Do we realize that sometimes our words are so hurtful even though we intend them to be healing?  Obviously, these are rhetorical questions, but I am constantly amazed at how people can be so misguided when they think they are helping others.

If you've suffered from mental illness or depression and anxiety, you've probably heard the routine statements, "just get over it" and "just move on."  These statements are so hurtful to others, and they do little to offer hope and healing for their lives.

I had one person tell me after I came out of the hospital from being paralyzed by a conversion disorder that I should have just prayed about it.  I was stunned.  However, I replied to them, "if you broke your arm, would you just have prayed about it?"  Her answer was no.

Yet it doesn't stop people from engaging their vocal chords and disengaging their brain cells. I'm sorry if that sounds rough, but when people make these statements to others who are struggling, those statements are very harsh.  They are hurtful.  People are already going through enough without others piling on to the pain.

I do understand that sometimes we don't know what to say or how to say it.  I do understand that sometimes it is uncharted ground that makes us fearful of saying the wrong thing.

The best thing you can do is to connect with your heart.  I don't mean engage the brain first.  I am advocating that you engage the heart first, then attempt to speak from the vocabulary in your brain.

If you can share experiences that help others connect with you, it can be helpful.  Again, this must be done from your heart and not from your ego or brain.  If it is heart centered, you are more in tune with what they need.  It is never about what you need in this situation.  It is about what support the other person needs.  Be careful that it doesn't become about you and your experiences, but how those relate to their situation.

Many times, the issues we see in others connect to issues held deeply in our own lives.  I often acknowledge their presence, but we should not inflict our own issues upon the other person needing support.  Our issues are not their issues.  Our issues should not be forced upon them.  They need support at that moment, and if we offer it from our heart and our experiences, it will help them more than we know.

 

Let's stop being hurtful with our words in helping support someone.  There's a good chance you will likely mess up at some point, but be honest and heartfelt.  Be understanding if you are not getting your point across.  Be understanding if they don't understand what it is that you can see.

In the moment of grief and despair, our eyes and our minds are not seeing clearly.  Remember that, as you're offering words of support and healing to others.  It will go a long way to truly offering to be there for someone and not inflicting emotional pain upon them through your words.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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How Does It Feel To Be Adopted

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

Someone asked me a question a while ago, to which I did not have an instant answer. She had asked me “what’s it feel like to be adopted?” and my instant reply was “how does it feel to not be?” but long after the conversation ceased, I found the question still rattling around in my brain.

I began pondering the many emotions and thoughts I have had over the years regarding my adoption and decided to try and answer that question from my perspective, which, please keep in mind, is not the average adoption. Every adoptee is going to have their own experience, which in most cases does not mirror mine.

Adoption is a weird amalgamation of rejection and acceptance. I was adopted at 18 months old and had bounced through multiple foster homes before I arrived at my permanent family, and although I was too young to fully comprehend the situations I had been through, I knew something was wrong. There was never a time that I did not know I was adopted and my parents made sure it was an open issue should it be something I ever chose to explore.

I was told the typical things by my parents…you were chosen, so that makes you even more special, or that someone’s trash is someone else’s treasure and although I tried to believe their words and intentions I never for one day felt like I fully belonged. After all, to be “chosen” means you were already “un-chosen”. I often felt like I wasn’t actually chosen, I was next on the list of children up for adoption, and they were the next parents waiting.

For me, there has always been a sense of detachment, not only from my parents but from most people. I wonder if it comes from being chosen rather than being “born to”. Not only did I deal with feeling unwanted and not good enough, from being given away, but I also felt like I was disposable; I had been given away once, and then in my case four times after, so there was obviously something wrong with me; something that made me not good enough to be loved and cared for at such a young age.

When I was around five years old, my parents fostered a girl a few years older than me for a period of time that I can’t recall, due to circumstances which I cannot remember; she left our home and was placed back into the foster system. I never heard from or saw her again. From that day on began an innate fear of being abandoned to wherever it was I came from. After all if they could return her, they certainly must be able to do the same thing with me. This is the base for my deep seeded fear of abandonment and insecurity.

There is an odd feeling of disconnect that comes with adoption. Perhaps it is the not knowing; the curiosity about our family of origin and our birth parents background. It was always weird to me to see other kids who looked like their families or brothers and sisters that looked alike. It made me wonder who I look like…do I have my father’s eyes and my mother’s lips, or did I have a sibling somewhere that I resembled, someone with similar features to mine? I yearned to look around and be able to see someone that looked like me.

As I grew older I wondered about such things as my personality traits, my abilities and my physical and mental health background. There was always a curiosity if I was talented at soccer because my father was athletic, or maybe my passion for reading and writing came from my mother, but instead I am left with a sense of transience and curiosity.

There were times I wondered if either of my birth parents came looking for me, or if they ever thought of me, or if I was just a forgotten part of the past. I wondered why she gave me up and how she felt about doing so. I grew up with an innate sense of rejection and wondered if she ever felt bad for abandoning me. Were her reasons legitimate or was I just too much of a burden.

It was in my early twenties when I learned her background and her propensity for drugs and alcohol and suicide attempts so maybe she really did give me away in hopes of a better life, or maybe she abandoned me to get back to partying. So many answers to my questions were buried when she died, before I had a chance to meet her, and I think because of that I have had to make peace with creating and living with my own answers.

So adoption for me, to sum it up, feels like being loved on the surface and not unconditionally. It feels like not quite ever being able to find your place in a family, a relationship, workplace or even the world. It feels like living with a never ending curiosity which you know will never be satisfied with the truth.

Most of all for me, it was the sense of being abandoned so many times and living with the fear it could happen again. That fear, unfortunately became the driving force in my life and by allowing that I have lived my life doing anything and everything to avoid abandonment, when in reality, that is just not possible. I often heard my friend’s parents tell them they love them no matter what…that sense of unconditional love I crave so badly but will never receive is something that has left a void deep down in my soul.

I just wanted to belong.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

Read all of Jody's Columnist Posts

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Jody

Guest Blogger
Writer
Survivor, Warrior, Conqueror

Visit Jody's website at

Jodyb2016 Wordpress
Twitter:  @onelastkick71
 

  

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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The Flashbacks Wipe Me Out

I've come a long way in my healing.  I've leaped over mountains.  I've not only survived what was done to me, but I have thrived and I'm conquering new worlds.  Yet, the flashbacks come up every now and then and wipe me out.

The feelings are the first to show up for the flashbacks.  Then it progresses to the hint of the images.  Next the images start to take a shape, and a larger view of what they are follows.

The night time becomes an exercise to convince my eyes that it is okay to close them for a few hours.  I try to coax my brain into turning off long enough to get some rest.  It becomes a tug-of-war, and who wins is anyone's guess.  The winner result will be known when the sun comes up.

As the images, thoughts, feelings, and sensations come on, my mind works feverishly to hide from them.  In this stage, I despise them.  I hate them.  I abhor them.  How dare they sneak into my conscious thought!  How dare they!

At times, I feel like a deer caught in the headlights, not sure what to think or what I'm seeing.  At times, I just sit there bewildered and caught off guard as if my thoughts are a million light years away.

My mind tries to rationalize the flashbacks as if there was some way to make sense of them.  There is no way these images are real, I scream violently back to them.  There is no way this could have happened.  "Are you so stupid that you would think they would," I chastise myself.

Yet, myself laughs at the ridiculousness of my aversion to the flashbacks.  It knows more than I see and sees more than I know.  Yet I'm not about to give up the control.  I'm not about to hand over the keys to something I don't know exists.  No way - no how!

Then I read an article in the paper about some father sexually abusing and torturing his 7 year old daughter.  My eyes turn to rage.  I want to make that father suffer as much as he made his 7 year old daughter suffer.  For I know that this will forever change her and it will be something she has to deal with for the rest of her life.  I try to silence my rage and anger, for they will lead me down a path that will not be good.  I can only hope they lock him up for good, but I know all too well, that often the child abusers get very little punishment if at all.

The flashbacks don't stop.

The flashbacks continue.

At times, my body feels like a wrung-out wash cloth ready to be tossed into the garbage.

At times my body feels like an exhausted mess of muscles, tissues and cells all frustrated with another episode of flashbacks that I have to deal with in my life.

This is what my life becomes at times.  This is the horrible world of flashbacks that I live with from all the abuse and torture that was done to me as a kid.  I struggle to write those words because what child would even think a family member could do anything bad to them.  "How dare the child think this?" I scream at myself!  It is hard to accept.

The images aren't pretty.  It isn't only my mind that remembers.  It is the physical reactions I can see in my legs and across my skin.  It is the shivering one minute, followed by heat and sweating the next.  It is the rash that shows up.  It is the burning that I feel one minute, followed by nothing the next.

Some days I wonder if I've gone crazy.  Some days I am so tired of dealing with flashbacks that I despise the air I breathe.  Some days, I just don't feel strong enough to face them.

Yet, I know - that this too shall pass.  One of these days, things will calm down.  Yes, I know, I've got more to work through in my life and when I get through these things, there will be greater peace.

Today, that all seems like a dream.

Today, I will hold on to that dream.

Today, I feel wiped out.

(From my journal on 6/22/17)

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Loneliness Can Break Your Heart

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

We all need human contact. Human beings are social creatures by nature and although isolation is a comfort for many, human communication is vital to survival. Isolation, in many cases, leads to a deep sense of loneliness which is such an overwhelming feeling.

You feel like you have no one and nothing, and will do almost anything not to have to feel it. It is like you are drowning in a lake with people in sight but no one close enough to throw you a line.  That is the worst kind of loneliness.

Feeling like this is not only emotionally devastating but research is showing that loneliness and social isolation can impact a person’s health, causing problems ranging from high blood pressure and obesity to heart disease and stroke,  much the same as anxiety and depression. Some researchers have indicated the increased rate of illness as high as 30%.

It could be because people who feel alone are generally isolated and tend to take poorer care of themselves. They have worse diets, generally not enough sleep or exercise and are more prone to not sticking to their medication routine or doctor’s appointments.

After all, when you are alone, you are reliant on your own motivation, and let’s be honest, when you are feeling that low, self-motivation is a near impossibility. Top that off with the depression or anxiety or whatever other mental health issue you are dealing with and the cumulative of those factors could drive up blood pressure which could in turn lead to heart issues.

Loneliness is an independent condition, even though one condition may affect the other. So for example it you were treated for depression or anxiety, the symptoms of those may dissipate but that does not mean the loneliness does.

There have been studies on the biological effects of loneliness, particularly on the stress hormone cortisol, as well as the link tied to hardening of the arteries which also leads to high blood pressure and increases risk of heart disease and stroke.  Researchers define loneliness as the gap between a person's desired and actual social relationships  and chronic loneliness can wreak havoc on your blood vessels and heart by undermining regulation of the circulatory system so the heart works harder and the blood vessels become more subject to damage.

Though they may not be aware of it, lonely people tend to perceive social interactions as more negative and threatening than others do, leaving our brains on constant alert for social threats. This persistent state of stress affects the cardiovascular system. Studies have found that people who were less socially connected had higher blood pressure as well as higher levels of inflammation markers in their blood, while others suggested that the risk of solitude is comparable to that posed by high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and even smoking.

Loneliness and isolation also appear to take a toll on a person’s lifespan, with some research suggesting that the increased risk for heart attack, angina or death by heart disease is 30%, and the increased risk for stroke by 32%, for both men and women.

So as much as your illness is telling you to isolate and feeding into your feelings of loneliness, try and fight it the best you can. Try to allow yourself a small support group, be it with friends or family or even in the online world. Sometimes the company of a distant stranger is welcome; non-judgmental support from people who may be struggling with loneliness can be as well. Not only is it important for our mental health, but as studies may be proving… loneliness can literally break your heart.

Being alone can break your heart——literally.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

Read all of Jody's Columnist Posts

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Jody

Guest Blogger
Writer
Survivor, Warrior, Conqueror

Visit Jody's website at

Jodyb2016 Wordpress

  

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Forgotten Reason in “13 Reasons Why”

(by Jody, Mental Health Matters)

I certainly am not one to jump on the bandwagon. I generally let it pass by watching the fickle people jumping on and off trying to chase and follow the latest trend, so it is almost to my surprise that I find myself writing about the latest craze of controversy, which happens to be the Netflix series called “13 Reasons Why?”

I am quite sure that you have either watched it or at the very least heard of it, as it has stirred up discussions from the water cooler to the media. I will admit that curiosity got the best of me and I binge watched the entire series just to see what had stirred up such fuss and dialogue.

There are hundreds of blogs and articles with varying opinions both praising and criticizing the show for its approach on the taboo topic of teen suicide and underlying subjects of rape and bullying. Being both passively and actively suicidal my entire life, and having lost people by suicide, has given me the ability to empathize with both the supporters and the critics.

To an extent, as a teenager, I was Hannah Baker as and I am sure thousands of others identify with her depth of pain in one way or another. I have had suicide attempts as a child, a teen and an adult, and the thought process with all of them was different due to what I could fully understand at each age.

As a child, it was impossible for me to comprehend the repercussions of “if you touch Grandma’s pills you will get sick and could die.” I had been to a funeral by age eight and although I had no idea of the permanence of the situation, I did know that dead meant no longer here, and as all the adults at the funeral had said, “at least she’s not suffering anymore”. If you put those two thought processes together at such a young age, you can get the basics of how I came about to my first suicide attempt.

As an adult, the rationale behind my attempt was a lot more clear and concise. I also fully understood the long term consequences of my decision and the affect it would have on certain people. It was not an irrational, spur of the moment thing that I would regret but a precise plan which would achieve the final goal of ending my suffering.

Being a teenager is a completely different ball game all together. With hormones bouncing around like a rubber ball and emotions running rampant, the thought process could vary from minute to minute. I noticed a lot of people commenting on how it was wrong of Hannah to lay the blame for her suicide completely on other people, and although I don’t agree that was the intent, I can see that view as well. I can also tell you that as a suicidal teenager, you do, in part lay the blame on other people, because that is generally what they do at that age anyway. In my eyes at the time, I blamed my molesters, my parents and a few other people that I felt should have somehow known and helped. Maybe it was not right to lay the blame with those who I felt caused my pain and suffering, but a teenage mind is far from fully developed, and often irrational, and right or wrong, that is how I saw things, as did Hannah.

I agree that this show could potentially be triggering for some people, and I am glad that more warnings have been added before each episode. I also know that curiosity often gets the best of human nature and regardless of the fact that we know it may trigger us, we still sat down and watched it. I know for me personally, sometimes it is almost a way of self-testing your strength, or the power you have or don’t have over your triggers. I knew ahead of time certain scenes would get under my skin but I pushed through, testing myself episode after episode, regardless of any trauma it may or may not leave on me. I don’t know if I will ever know if it was my curiosity or the self-destructive part of my illness that was the ultimate driving factor to me watching the show.

There is much controversy over the graphic showing of Hanna’s death and although I admit I did not expect it, it’s closer to reality than some glorified, peaceful death. There is no beauty in suicide. It is not clean and painless. We do not just drift off into sleep and quietly pass away. There is no possible way to glorify the depth of pain that one feels in order to take one’s own life, be it pre-planned or an irrational moment.

Here in Canada, the scene caused enough ruckuses that the school boards felt it necessary to send home warning letters to parents regarding the potentially triggering topics of the show, and actually included information on prevention and communication as well as hotline numbers. There is discussion about how the rape scene and cyber bullying is not properly addressed. There is conversation over the educational systems lack of support, and even questions about whether the tapes and suicide were a cry for attention.

People are enthralled in the discussion via one aspect or another, regardless of the criticism or praise, and that is the one thing that everyone seems to be forgetting. Regardless of how you feel about the show, you are now discussing and reading about topics which you may never have before. People complain that it shouldn’t take a TV series to get subjects like suicide, rape and bullying to the surface, but that is the world we live in. A musical artist dresses one way, and we have a generation of kids with pants beneath their asses. Lady Gaga says she has PTSD, and all of a sudden it is front page news. So, this show did the one thing that is perhaps the most important… it not only started the conversation, but brought it to a whole new level.


- Jody (Jody's Blog)

Read all of Jody's Columnist Posts

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Jody

Guest Blogger
Writer
Survivor, Warrior, Conqueror

Visit Jody's website at

Jodyb2016 Wordpress

  

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Chronic Stress Affect on Body and Mental Health

This is a video interview that Jim Fazio did with Dr. Paul Canali of Evolutionary Healing on March 29, 2013.

We all know that stress is not good for our body, but as Dr. Canali discusses, chronic stress does affect the body and our mental health.  New healing paradigms attune our attention inward and deal with not only the mental aspects but physical sensations.

Emotions are not something that are purely in your head.  They are physical body states.  Anything that you can feel, you can re-regulate or change.

Most people are afraid of what they feel in their own body whether it is disease, illness, anxiety, depression or other things.  The immediate response is "please doctor, take it away."  Most are not necessarily interested in how it got there or how they can take it away.  They just want it gone!

Now we are realizing though that to make long term changes, one must be brought into that point to interact with what is going on within the mind and body.  Because we are so afraid of what we are feeling, we tend to numb and disconnect, rather than go in an interact with the physical body.

Listen to the entire video interview to learn more.

Remember The Good In Mental Health Struggle

Sometimes the simple things become difficult things in healing.  One of the difficulties I've found in struggling with mental health issues is remembering the good.  It is easy for my mind to shift into negative mode and forget all the good stuff.

Even if I remember the good, the mental heath struggles that I face can render them invisible to my consciousness.  Sometimes I could be reminded a million times and I'd still forget the good parts of life. 

It does help for someone to keep reminding me. I'm sure they probably get to the point of frustration, but that's the way things work at times.

I'm sure I'm not alone either because mental health issues tend to change the brain chemistry and make it difficult to process and access things that others normally could.  I'm not saying it is permanently that way, but often it presents challenges to the mind in physical ways.

When I was paralyzed, my memory went.  Basic things were difficult to remember.  Remembering the good was definitely a struggle because the horrible moments I was facing tended to crowd the good stuff out.  Even now, after many years of healing work, sometimes the horrors still try to overtake the memory screen of my mind.

Good in with the bad memories...

For me though, if I remember something good that happened to me while growing up, there are other horrible events that happened within those good moments.  So, my mind really struggles to separate the two out and sometimes it takes more processor power than I can muster up in those moments.

It took me awhile to really get some of my memory back online and I still struggle with it today.  However, it is getting better and often times I can remember those good times in my past, while not letting the bad times take over.

Memes and happy thought sayings don't do much for me.  In fact, they just turn my mind into a mess, more than they help.  I know people think these are great and if they help, then I am happy that they do for you.  For me, it is just another avoidance that gets in my way.

It does help though when I have people close to me that share and remind me of the good moments during the mental health struggle moments.  They are authentic and not just trying to fill the void with words, so it helps.  They do it out of compassion and from the heart, not just as a way of making up for their own loss and struggles in life.

No matter what you've been through in life, there are good moments.  They may be buried in the rubbish of what remains, but they are there.  Sometimes we have to look a little harder for them. 

Try to focus on those little moments as much as you can and cling to those when the footpath feels like it is crumbling below your feet.  Sometimes, holding on to those little things, no matter how small they may be, helps you hang on just long enough to find your footing.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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The Trauma of Accepting Our Trauma

It can literally take five minutes of trauma to permanently affect a child’s life. It does not necessarily matter what the trauma is or if it happened only once or multiple times, the underlying damage can physically alter the development of certain areas of the brain thereby altering the development of personality. This is particularly true in cases of childhood sexual abuse.

During the trauma we simply do not have the capabilities to cope with the situation, so the natural instinct of the brain kicks in and the emotional center is quickly replaced by the instinctual (reptilian) portion of the brain. The mind does what it needs to survive the trauma at the time, which is basically to shut down and kick into survival mode, since our brains are entirely unable to process what has happened.

Fast forward an undetermined period of time and our brains are as developed as they are going to be and are now better equipped to cope with our childhood traumas and despite our desperate attempts to keep these memories repressed, they slowly start to exit their domain of safety and creep their way towards the front of our brains.

Those seemingly unexplainable actions and behaviors, the bad habits and negative coping skills and the diagnoses of whatever mental illness, all really do have an underlying reason. The emotional outbursts were not displays for show and the random and often harmful acts were not cries for attention. The lack of ability to fully bond and trust was in no way meant to be malicious. The darkness that you have carried in your heart and soul has cast a shadow that has dimmed your entire perspective of life.

Once the memory is at the forefront, we can either spend a tremendous amount of emotional energy trying to repress it again, or we can try to ignore it, but somehow it always seems to rear its ugly head. The process of accepting these memories as truths is not only the first and perhaps most difficult step in the healing process but is also multi-faceted.

To believe these atrocities happened to us brings about intense feelings of shame, confusion and anger. We question why this happened to us, or what we did to deserve it. We can’t accept that it isn’t our fault and self-blame torments us for years. Even our adult brain has trouble comprehending that these memories are actually real. We cannot understand how someone we knew or trusted or even loved could violate us in such a traumatic manner that it forever changed our views of the world, and of ourselves. It marred our ability to trust, set boundaries and have healthy relationships. The feelings of shame have weighed us down and burdened us throughout our lives and the emotional weight of the trauma that has held us captive for years finally breaks our back.

What alternative do we have aside from accepting these new truths that are not only completely overwhelming but seemingly impossible? We are almost forced by our minds to deal with our trauma whether we believe we are ready or not. We are guided directly through the middle of it as there seems to be no true detour.

Acceptance involves challenging the only values and beliefs we know, and puts into question our already fragile sense of self. It requires setting new emotional boundaries and learning to place the blame where it rightly belongs. It often means we will have to emotionally and sometimes physically remove ourselves from the lives of certain family or friends. It means taking a step back from life in order to get a different viewpoint.

Acceptance forces us to look deep inside at the shame we have been unnecessarily carrying around for a lifetime and realize it is actually not our burden to carry. It means opening up wounds that we have already formed scars over in order to heal properly. Accepting our abuse, however hard and trying it may be is the beginning to the end goal of healing.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly and Jody

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Mental Health Matters - Mind Body Connection

Today I get the wonderful opportunity to introduce a great friend of mine, Jody.  She is one of my new regular columnists on the Mind Body Thoughts Connections.

Her blog will be on the subject of "Mental Health Matters".

I met Jody online through Twitter.  I believe it was a connection through Matt, who also writes a column for my blog, "Survive, Thrive, Conquer".

Jody's insights and tweets and blog posts caught my attention because I could tell that she was sharing them from her heart.  Out of her own painful experiences in her life, she was reaching out and trying to help others who were searching for their own way to heal.

Jody's passion and insight are things I truly admire in her.  Everything I read from her feels so heartfelt and authentic.  Often I can see myself in much of what she writes.  She is very encouraging to others who are struggling and often reaches out to just let you know she is thinking about you.

Mental health is an issue that many struggle with in this world.  All too often there is a stigma against it as if someone is damaged goods or weak or just not valued.  People who struggle with mental health issues need help and support and to know that things can get better.  They don't need to be ostracized and looked down upon by people in our society.

I so look forward to what Jody will share with this blog, and her articles are always top notch!  Welcome aboard this team, Jody.  I am so happy to have you as a part of this endeavor, as we reach out and support those who need it.


For more information on Jody and the articles she writes, go to the page on this blog, Mental Health Matters.  Look for her articles around the first Monday of each month. 

Helping Prevent Suicide Webinar

One of the things I struggle with in life is suicide and I know I'm not alone.  In fact, I am writing a book about my struggles with suicide.  It is a situation that plagues our society and world, but the shame that goes along with it keeps many suffering in silence.

For those that are left behind, they deal with the anguish of losing a loved one or a friend to suicide.  I never realized this part until I was able to speak to my friend on the subject.  Suicide is difficult for anyone connected to it and it does destroy lives.

What is worse in our society and world is that we shame those who suffer and we don't fix the underlying problems.  We spend too little on mental health issues and support, while doing things that are beyond harmful and do anything but help those who suffer.

On February 4, 2017 at 1 pm EST, I am hosting a webinar with my good friend who lost her son to suicide.  It is a heartbreaking story, but I hope that through this webinar, we offer hope and some new ways of looking at healing and support.  While it is a heavy subject, my intent is to help prevent suicide in others.

The online webinar is free and open to whoever signs up.  Space is limited and if I see that it is filling up, we will try to schedule additional webinars.  There will be a time for some questions at the end of it.  The webinar should be about an hour long.

Free Webinar

Feb 4, 2017 at 1pm EST

If suicide is something that you deal with or you know someone that does, please join us.  If you have had to deal with the loss of someone close to you because of suicide, please join us.  I think you will find this webinar helpful and supportive and healing.

To sign up for this webinar, go to the link, A Mother's Promise To Help After Son's Suicide.  It is a free webinar, but space is limited in the online event.


I look forward to seeing you on the webinar.  Leave a comment below with questions or you can also catch me on Twitter.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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My Trauma Is Worse

My trauma is worse than your trauma.  No, my trauma is worse.  You don't know how bad I had it.  I had it so much more!  Of course, I'm being fictional here.  Please don't take this that I am saying this emphatically as the truth.

Have you seen this scenario play out though?  I have seen it a million times and it really gets under my skin to be honest.  I do understand how horrible trauma can be and that it can really make it beyond difficult for a survivor to face.

In the early days, the trauma you have been through feels like some big monster choking the life out of you. It does feel like no one understands and you're all alone.

Your story is valid...

I've had people hear my story and then think that their story wasn't valid.  It always saddens me.  Each person who has been abused, beat, traumatized or whatever the case may be has their own story.  My story isn't any worse.  Yes, in some ways I've experienced a lot, but that doesn't mean I am any more special.  

Trauma is Trauma!  I'm sorry if that sound too simple but it is.  Yes, we all have our degrees of trauma and types of trauma, but holding that as a badge of honor will not get anyone very far.  Yes, I had to learn this the hard way too it seems.

Don't bite their hand off...

If someone offers you a hand of understanding, have the compassion to thank them for it or at least don't bite their hand off for offering it.  Understand that they have no way to know what you have been through until you share your story with them.  Don't expect them to understand something they don't fully know.  Getting mad at them will only distant yourself from others that may be there to support you.  It alienates people so that they walk away with a bad taste in their mouth and more likely than not, are more reluctant to support others in the future.

Anyone who has been through child abuse or other trauma has a long road of recovery ahead of them.  We're all in this together and there is no need to fight one another as if we somehow have it worse.

Sometimes good intentions fall short...

Yes, sometimes people make statements that are well-intentioned but they fall short.  You can always get angry and upset with them if you want or help them understand what it is that you know so they can be there for you in a greater way.  The more we educate others, the more we advance the understanding and treatment of mental health issues.

Let's join arms and hands and walk together into a greater love and light and understanding then we have known before.  It benefits all of us if we do this.

Here's another blog post that I wrote some time ago which applies to this one. Click on the image below to check it out.  (Therapeutic Listening For Suicide And Depression)

A Question For You?

So, I have a question for you to think about and hopefully add as a comment in reply.  Do you sometimes bite the hand of support off even from someone that is well-intentioned but falls short?

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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We Sabotage Ourselves

There are many hurting in the world and I sure don't want to make light of anything that anyone is going through.  I've struggled with my own issues in life and at times I've barely held my head above water.  At other times in my life, I've sunk down into a mental hole of depression and despair.

I know what its like to go through some very rough and extreme moments in life.  If you want to know more, you can always catch up in my book, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma (click to read more on my blog).  I felt that I needed to start out with this because the last thing I want to do is hurt anyone or cause them additional pain.

I will speak personally because that is my truth.  Apply it to your own life as you see fit or maybe allow it to help fill in the hole of despair and depression you may be experiencing.  We are all in this together. 

One of the things we do....

One of the things we do as humans is we sabotage ourselves.  I know personally that I do this.  Recently I struggle through a major loss and change in my life.  I had people reaching out, but I closed the door on them.  I had people I could call, but I just didn't want to talk to anyone.  The things that I had once used to help me in life had become nothing but daggers pointed in my direction.

I did everything and anything to sabotage my life.  I didn't care about my health or what I ate or what I did.  I was in misery and I wanted to stay in misery.  Happiness or well-being had become enemies to me.  I fought anything that was good for me.

Yet, I knew deep down that in order to change the way I felt, I had to change the way I was acting and behaving.  I had to change those things that were not helping and embrace that which could help.  It didn't all happen at once.  I didn't change it overnight but I kept working towards the good and I kept trying and attempting to embrace that which would help me.

We do it before we realize it...

It is so easy for us to sabotage ourselves.  We can do it with the best of them.  We can do it before we even realize we are doing it.  However, it isn't helpful.  It isn't good for us long term.  We know that, but we still do it.

Sometimes people come along in your life and are there to help you.  Sometimes they reach out and if we keep pulling our hand back, we will keep sinking in the quick sand.  Sometimes the hand reaching out to us helps give us the strength to make it up out of the quick sand.  Maybe it just gives a temporary moment of rest and pause so we can find our way out of the hole of despair and depression.

The thing is, if we sabotage ourselves, we'll stay stuck in that dark hole.  We'll stay in that quick sand that keeps pulling us under.  Is it easy to get out of it?  NO!  No, it definitely is not.  It can require much more strength than we sometimes have, but that's where others come in.  They are there to help us through those difficult moments until we can find solid footing to stand on.

If you're in one of these deep dark holes of despair and depression, try this and see if it works.  If it doesn't, then keep trying until you find the thing that does.  Focus on one thing that you can do to help you.  It doesn't matter how small it may be.  Once you've been able to do that, then repeat again and again.  Don't reach for the stars immediately.  Instead of just focus on doing one small thing.

(click here to read)

Once you keep adding those things together day after day, you'll probably look back and be surprised at just how far you have come.  Don't give up.  Don't allow the quick sand to pull you under.  Realize you have much more strength than you can see and know that "this too shall pass".

If nothing else, I'm pulling for you.  I'm reaching out with a hand through my words here to offer a moment of strength and support.  You can do this.  You can do this!

By chance if you sabotage yourself, don't worry - tomorrow, you can always try to do something differently.  And if that day isn't as successful as  you want, the next day gives you a clean slate.
 
Leave a comment if you agree that you sabotage yourself or if you disagree.  I would love to hear your thoughts.
 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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