Hurtful Words Of Healing And Support

 Written By Don Shetterly

Do we ever stop to think about what we say to others?  Do we realize that sometimes our words are so hurtful even though we intend them to be healing?  Obviously, these are rhetorical questions, but I am constantly amazed at how people can be so misguided when they think they are helping others.

If you've suffered from mental illness or depression and anxiety, you've probably heard the routine statements, "just get over it" and "just move on."  These statements are so hurtful to others, and they do little to offer hope and healing for their lives.

I had one person tell me after I came out of the hospital from being paralyzed by a conversion disorder that I should have just prayed about it.  I was stunned.  However, I replied to them, "if you broke your arm, would you just have prayed about it?"  Her answer was no.

Yet it doesn't stop people from engaging their vocal chords and disengaging their brain cells. I'm sorry if that sounds rough, but when people make these statements to others who are struggling, those statements are very harsh.  They are hurtful.  People are already going through enough without others piling on to the pain.

I do understand that sometimes we don't know what to say or how to say it.  I do understand that sometimes it is uncharted ground that makes us fearful of saying the wrong thing.

The best thing you can do is to connect with your heart.  I don't mean engage the brain first.  I am advocating that you engage the heart first, then attempt to speak from the vocabulary in your brain.

If you can share experiences that help others connect with you, it can be helpful.  Again, this must be done from your heart and not from your ego or brain.  If it is heart centered, you are more in tune with what they need.  It is never about what you need in this situation.  It is about what support the other person needs.  Be careful that it doesn't become about you and your experiences, but how those relate to their situation.

Many times, the issues we see in others connect to issues held deeply in our own lives.  I often acknowledge their presence, but we should not inflict our own issues upon the other person needing support.  Our issues are not their issues.  Our issues should not be forced upon them.  They need support at that moment, and if we offer it from our heart and our experiences, it will help them more than we know.

 

Let's stop being hurtful with our words in helping support someone.  There's a good chance you will likely mess up at some point, but be honest and heartfelt.  Be understanding if you are not getting your point across.  Be understanding if they don't understand what it is that you can see.

In the moment of grief and despair, our eyes and our minds are not seeing clearly.  Remember that, as you're offering words of support and healing to others.  It will go a long way to truly offering to be there for someone and not inflicting emotional pain upon them through your words.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Minimizing Trauma In My Life

I was reading something recently by Surviving My Past.  It was about minimizing, especially when it comes to trauma and child sexual abuse.  We all do it and often times we are not aware we do it.

Reading what Matt posted on Surviving My Past.com, reminded me of my own healing history and journey.  For a long time I really minimized what I had been through.

Some of my own statements were:

• Everyone else has been abused, so it's just normal stuff.
• It really wasn't that bad.
• I'm making too big of a deal about it.
• Just move on and get over it already.
• It was a long time ago.
• I haven't thought about it in years and why should I start now?
• Everyone has stuff to deal with in their life.
• Every family has skeletons in their closets.
• I'm healed.  I'm over it!
• Just don't think about it.

I'm sure you've had your own statements and done your own minimizing.  After all, if you haven't, then you might want to check your pulse.  As humans, we all minimize.  It is part of how we deal with events and experiences that are so horrible in our lives.  If the brain isn't able to deal with it, we often minimize it as a way to avoid it and distance ourselves from it.

While minimizing can be helpful at the time the trauma or experience is taking place, it becomes a distraction to us later if we don't go in and heal our lives.  Sometimes, the minimizing gets us through, but in order to release that from our life, we have to stop minimizing.

My minimizing went a little further.  Of course, that's where Conversion Disorder for me comes in because it is like I could minimize with the best!  In many ways, I could have cut off my arm and the way Conversion Disorder lets you think is that I would have said, "ah, its just a scratch. Let me put a bandaid on it".

Learned how to minimize to survive...

This is one of the reasons why those of us who have been through Conversion Disorder have such a difficult time coming out of it and healing.  We learned early on how to minimize what was going on with time, it just gets easier to minimize to the point where you cannot even see what it is that is impacting you.  I know that some will greatly disagree with what I say, but I'm speaking from experience here.

I remember when Dr. Canali started using the term, "tortured" around me and I dismissed it for a long time.  Again, I was rationing in my mind, my abuse was just like everyone else.  It wasn't that bad!  As time went on and I dealt with some very  physical issues that most medical doctors would have been at a complete loss in treating, I learned that the story was more than I thought it was.

Amnesia in trauma...

We often have amnesia about trauma we have been through.  We do it by minimizing.

In fact, a more recent story that emerged along from the rash I just dealt with is nothing but pure torture on many levels.  I cannot bring myself to share it.  It was hard enough to let anyone read it.  I'll probably take it to my next session with Dr. Canali, but the shame with it and the humiliation and very real physical pain is just so intense.  Even writing these words is almost too much.  But, it was torture.

I know I still minimize things.  It is sometimes the only way a brain can continue functioning because otherwise, the memories are like taking a garden hose to a fuse box - something is not going to end well.    I remember not that long ago when I was confronted about my anger outbursts.  I had minimized the anger so much that I did not realize just how bad this was getting.  It took an "intervention" so to speak in order to get me to wake up and see it.

From my experience, every person that I have been around with Conversion Disorder minimizes what happened to them.  I know there are many that would claim this is not true, but in the early days of my Conversion Disorder experience, I would have been agreeing with them.  In fact, I acted like nothing happened, yet my body could not function and my mind was anything but in a normal state.  The trauma runs so deep.

Minimizing is part of every disorder and health condition, whether it is a physical situation or mental health.  When experiences are too great, its the only way we can escape in that moment, but we pay a price physically and mentally as a result.  It is in healing that we begin to come to terms with those moments and start to win back our life and find our own power we hold inside.

It has taken me years and many deep body healing sessions to understand just how much I minimized things in life.  I'm finding my way back from a deep inner core level and embracing the body part of healing, not only just the mind part.

Asking Pointless Questions Helps You Heal

I get so tired of hearing people use different variations of the statement, "just move on" or "just get over it".  Some may realize they are doing this, but many may not.  To tell someone that is struggling in life through a traumatic experience to just move on is about one of the most hurtful things you can do to them.

When I came out of the hospital from having a Conversion Disorder and being totally paralyzed, I was met with a lot of encouragement.  Unfortunately there were those that would say, "just pray about it" or "you just need to forgive and move on" or "just let it go".   I could make a million statements here of things that people said and none of them were the least bit helpful.

I remember telling one person that told me to just pray about my situation, that if you had broken your arm, would you just pray about it and hope it would heal?  More than likely you would go to a doctor and have them set it in a cast to get it to heal.  Praying can be good and has been shown through research to help in healing, but we all need to get real!  Words can hurt, even if you think you are saying something good.

Get Over It

On my Facebook page, I saw something posted on the Eckhart Tolle page by one of his friends that I could not help but repost here on the blog. The quote is very powerful because I've had this told to me so many times by well meaning people, by family and others that just can find nothing better to say. Each time, I have tried to deflect the pain that this adds to whatever I am experiencing in that moment.

So here's the quote:

"When people say "Let it go," what they really mean is "Get over it," and that's not a helpful thing to say. It's not a matter of letting go - you would if you could. Instead of "Let it go," we should probably say "Let it be"; this recognizes that the mind won't let go and the problem may not go away, and it allows you to form a healthier relationship with what's bothering you." -- Jon Kabat-Zinn


One of the most healing things that you can do is to go into that which you are struggling with and be with it. If you explore all dimensions of it and learn how you can grow from it, than you will transform your life in many ways. By holding back and just hoping it will go away or trying to avoid it, your life will be full of misery and frustration.

More importantly though, these things that become our struggles and difficulties in life, are there to help us grow and evolve our mind, our body and our consciousness. There is a purpose for these to be in our life and when we understand that, we have become more conscious of who we are as a human.

Fear often gets the way of life and prevents us from going into things that we need to look at. Fear is the weapon of the ego that keeps us from going within. It is a powerful force and it loses its power when we grow and evolve in awareness.

So the next time someone says, "Get Over It" or "Just Move On"; confidently look them in the eyes and tell them, this is exactly what you are doing. By taking a look at the situation in your life, you are truly becoming healthier.


Quote Found On:
http://www.facebook.com/Eckharttolle




Blog Post & Images (c) 3/10/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
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