Love And Accept Myself

I am amazed at how I view my life and creativity. It seems like nothing I do or create is ever good enough for me. It is never perfect enough. No matter if it is music I create, words I write or a task that I do, I always focus on the potential imperfections. In addition, this spills over to where I often don't see myself as being good enough to warrant others liking or loving me. I am afraid that if my my creativity or tasks that I do are not perfect enough or good enough that others will laugh and sneer at me or worse yet, they will be angry and hate me.

This is something I have battled for years. While I have made progress, there are times that I am so critical of myself. It is difficult going through life in this way because often I hold myself back from doing things I would enjoy. It does rob me of my precious energy in my life. Instead of enjoying life, I am too busy critiquing everything I do and everything that I am. I am my own worst critic.

Yes, I know where the roots of this behavior come from. As hard as I have worked to overcome and smash these old tapes that play, I am still haunted by them. They are like ghosts who visit my consciousness while my fears run wild.

Other people could tell me a million times that something I create is wonderful. They could tell me that I am loved or wanted and while my ears hear the words, my brain and mind filter them into oblivion. Someone could be proud of accomplishments or tasks I have completed and all that will be going through my mind is what I could have done better or different. As someone once told me many years ago, I need to quit beating myself up. I am much harder on myself than I need to be.

It is easy for me to be critical of myself but is difficult to fully love and accept myself. If I could just see myself as others see me, life would probably be different. If I could just put the fears of my life into perspective, the terrain in front of my feet would probably not be as frightening.

At one time, this behavior of being extremely critical was my way of surviving through events that were horrible to experience. However, they are no longer needed as my life is no longer experiencing those events in a direct way. My mind however, continues to see these past threats as something which is still currently taking place. If I could just fully love and accept myself, there is no telling what possibilities would lie ahead for me in my life.

I think of the song by Shaina Noll, "How Could Anyone" that is so powerful. The words are as follows:

How could anyone ever tell you,
You were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you,
You were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice,
That your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you're connected to my soul.

I still remember hearing that song for the first time and the power behind the words. At one of the lowest points in my life, I played that song at morning and at night to help convince myself that I could love and accept myself. It was difficult to do this but so healing and helpful in my life.

I am haunted by what was taught to me and I long for freedom from these moments. I do need to recognize that I have made great progress. Many things have drastically changed for the good in my life.

At the same time, I need to continue embracing all the parts of myself. One of the greatest rewards I can give myself is to fully love and accept myself. It will be the harshest punishment to those who taught me to hate myself. It will be the greater liberator that I know.

Further Reading: How Could Anyone, Posted on June 17, 2009

(Above Picture taken in Chicago, IL - (c) 10/19/10)