Surviving My Past

Let me introduce you to someone I find interesting and inspiring.  While I know there are a lot of places across internet land for survivors, not all of them touch me in the way this site did.  I've only had a chance to read a few of the blog posts on this site at the time I am writing this, but just wanted to give a shout out to Surviving My Past.

The other day on twitter, I saw a tweet come through that was talking about the book by Ellen Bass, The Courage To Heal.  This is an awesome book in my view and I believe it was the first book I ever bought when I was starting to piece my life together.

I remember listening to Ellen Bass speak at the Voices conference in Chicago in the late 1990's.  I don't recall exactly what year it was, but it was my first time being among other survivors of child abuse.  We sang the song together in that lecture, "How Could Anyone" by Shaina Noll.  If you want a life changing song, check out the song I just mentioned.  Try and sing along with it like I did in the morning and at night.  It brought tears to my eyes and helped transform how I viewed myself.

 

Back to the story of how I connected with Surviving My Past.  I saw the tweet come through and had to comment.  Of course, the individual commented back and then we had a conversation.  It was one of those connections that you just feel like you know what the other person has gone through because you both have been fighting in the same war.  And I found out that this was a male survivor of child abuse who had come across this book like I did.


I checked out his website and was blown away by how much he talked about his own journey of healing as he is going through it.  Surviving child abuse is not easy and if you make it through this part, trying to heal your life is equally as difficult.

When it comes to male survivors, there is this hidden code in the world that guys just don't talk about being sexually abused and they sure don't share emotions.  After all, little boys are taught from an early age in the family and society that they are just supposed to buck up and take it.  You're not supposed to show any signs of weakness as society and the family would dictate.

I like the raw and unedited part of his life that he is showing in SurvivingMyPast.net .   Its the real deal.  It is the person that is trying to piece their life back together with all the challenges you face and the energy it takes.  It is the questioning and attempt to search for answers, not just wallowing in the horrors.

I'm so inspired by this site and I hope you will take time to check it out.  Please pass it on to your friends that may need it, especially your male survivor friends.  There are many male survivors out there that need help and they need to know they aren't alone.  After all, I witnessed that in the Oprah 200 Male Survivor episode back in 2010.

The website is Surviving My Past (SurvivingMyPast.net)

You can also connect with him on Twitter @SurvivingMyPast

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Love And Accept Myself

I am amazed at how I view my life and creativity. It seems like nothing I do or create is ever good enough for me. It is never perfect enough. No matter if it is music I create, words I write or a task that I do, I always focus on the potential imperfections. In addition, this spills over to where I often don't see myself as being good enough to warrant others liking or loving me. I am afraid that if my my creativity or tasks that I do are not perfect enough or good enough that others will laugh and sneer at me or worse yet, they will be angry and hate me.

This is something I have battled for years. While I have made progress, there are times that I am so critical of myself. It is difficult going through life in this way because often I hold myself back from doing things I would enjoy. It does rob me of my precious energy in my life. Instead of enjoying life, I am too busy critiquing everything I do and everything that I am. I am my own worst critic.

Yes, I know where the roots of this behavior come from. As hard as I have worked to overcome and smash these old tapes that play, I am still haunted by them. They are like ghosts who visit my consciousness while my fears run wild.

Other people could tell me a million times that something I create is wonderful. They could tell me that I am loved or wanted and while my ears hear the words, my brain and mind filter them into oblivion. Someone could be proud of accomplishments or tasks I have completed and all that will be going through my mind is what I could have done better or different. As someone once told me many years ago, I need to quit beating myself up. I am much harder on myself than I need to be.

It is easy for me to be critical of myself but is difficult to fully love and accept myself. If I could just see myself as others see me, life would probably be different. If I could just put the fears of my life into perspective, the terrain in front of my feet would probably not be as frightening.

At one time, this behavior of being extremely critical was my way of surviving through events that were horrible to experience. However, they are no longer needed as my life is no longer experiencing those events in a direct way. My mind however, continues to see these past threats as something which is still currently taking place. If I could just fully love and accept myself, there is no telling what possibilities would lie ahead for me in my life.

I think of the song by Shaina Noll, "How Could Anyone" that is so powerful. The words are as follows:

How could anyone ever tell you,
You were anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you,
You were less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice,
That your loving is a miracle?
How deeply you're connected to my soul.

I still remember hearing that song for the first time and the power behind the words. At one of the lowest points in my life, I played that song at morning and at night to help convince myself that I could love and accept myself. It was difficult to do this but so healing and helpful in my life.

I am haunted by what was taught to me and I long for freedom from these moments. I do need to recognize that I have made great progress. Many things have drastically changed for the good in my life.

At the same time, I need to continue embracing all the parts of myself. One of the greatest rewards I can give myself is to fully love and accept myself. It will be the harshest punishment to those who taught me to hate myself. It will be the greater liberator that I know.

Further Reading: How Could Anyone, Posted on June 17, 2009

(Above Picture taken in Chicago, IL - (c) 10/19/10)

How Could Anyone

One of my all time favorite healing songs is one that Shaina Noll performed on her CD, "Songs For The Inner Child". It is a beautiful and simple song yet the words are so powerful.

Here is what I wrote and sent to Shaina Noll that she posted on her website:

"The first time I was introduced to Shaina Noll's music was at a Voices conference in Chicago, IL. Ellen Bass was completing her keynote address at the conference and she ended with the audience singing How Could Anyone.

It was the first time I had ever heard this song and singing it with fellow survivors brought me to tears. Here are the words to this song:

'How could anyone ever tell you - you were anything less than beautiful. how could anyone ever tell you - you were less than whole. How could anyone fail to notice that your loving is a miracle. How deeply you're connected to my soul.'

The next time I heard this song was when a therapist played it for me one day in a therapy session. I immediately recognized it and with the topic of the therapy session, it brought tears to my eyes. Fortunately I was able to find the CD, Songs For the Inner Child, which features the song How Could Anyone.

During this time, I was going through a very difficult point in my life and the little child within me was hurting so much. I began to play this CD time and time again. Most of the time, I would play only the song How Could Anyone. in the morning before leaving for work and then before I went to bed at night. I did this for about a month and it began to change how I viewed myself and how I started to accept myself."

If you have never heard of this song, take a listen to it. You can hear a sound clip of the song on her page on CDbaby.com .

The lyrics go like this:

How could anyone ever tell you
You were anything less than beautiful?

How could anyone ever tell you
You were less than whole?

How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving is a miracle?

How deeply you're connected to my soul

Try playing it through in the morning and at night for a month and see if it doesn't change your life like it did with mine.