Monday, November 22, 2010

Forgetful Memory That Remembers

Sometimes I want to forget and sometimes I feel I must remember. The events lie there hiding behind the foliage ready for an ambush.

I've gotten so good at pretending what exists in life and what does not that it seems like there is no line of separation. It is much easier to rewrite the script of what took place,, then allowing my memory to acknowledge what truly happened. In many ways, I beg my mind to forget these things.

It seems like the way my mind tells the story, the two moments do not match up. No matter how hard I try to rewrite the script, the nagging in my head keeps the events from adding up to form a complete factual story. Instead, I am left with holes, missing pieces and questions.

If I wanted to write the script for the best movie of all time, I'm sure I could create a work of fiction about these events of my life. The only thing that would not be accurate is there would be more truth to these fictional memories than anyone would want to believe.

Even though my mind does an award winning job of remembering events that I have altered in the storybook of my life, my memory excels at forgetting so much. It is like I am fractured into two parts. One part is experiencing the events and the other part recreates what took place. The two parts often fail to connect.

What I have written seems like basic common knowledge to me. Yet, I struggle to flee and outrun these horrors. They plague me every day. Yes, I have put much distance between me and them, but if I look over my shoulder, they are still there. I hope one day that these memories become so distant that all I can see is the beautiful landscapes around me.

(c) 11/12/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly what you mean here. Thank you for writing this.