Sleepless Nights Of Trauma

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it leaves me feeling discarded as roadkill by the side of the road.  I've now entered another period of sleepless nights of trauma.  The body memories that show up and the never ending thoughts that fill my waking hours are like monsters lying in wait.

It varies from night to night.  Some nights I sleep okay and other nights I can barely convince my eyes to close for an extended period of time.  Some nights, partial images connect one to another.  At other times, the images have no connecting logic, but they become flash frames in my mind.

I beg the thoughts to go away.  I beg them to find another home.  Sleep is what I want.  Sleep is what I desire.  Yet, they traumatize me as if I'm a puppet being controlled.  They hound me as if the night will never end.  I wake up feeling exhausted, but somehow trying to function in a day.

I have no answers to the sleepless nights of trauma.  I try everything and nothing works.  I hope for a better night, but its like never winning the lottery.  I long to be able to convince my eyes to just close and sleep.

While I realize from past experience that there is something lurking before me in the sleepless nights, I nevertheless hate traveling through the trauma and horrors.  I don't know how anyone could enjoy this and I can barely realize that this too shall past.

Each morning is another day.  Each night is another chance to sleep.  Will this be fulfilled or will I yet encounter another horror filled moment wishing that it will not repeat into another sleepless night.

I thought I would include a link back to a very recent blog post dealing a little with this subject. It was called Body Memories Wake Me Up At Night.

Question Of The Day
Do you have body memories that wake you up at night?  Leave a comment and let me know what experiences you go through if you do.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Forgetful Memory That Remembers

Sometimes I want to forget and sometimes I feel I must remember. The events lie there hiding behind the foliage ready for an ambush.

I've gotten so good at pretending what exists in life and what does not that it seems like there is no line of separation. It is much easier to rewrite the script of what took place,, then allowing my memory to acknowledge what truly happened. In many ways, I beg my mind to forget these things.

It seems like the way my mind tells the story, the two moments do not match up. No matter how hard I try to rewrite the script, the nagging in my head keeps the events from adding up to form a complete factual story. Instead, I am left with holes, missing pieces and questions.

If I wanted to write the script for the best movie of all time, I'm sure I could create a work of fiction about these events of my life. The only thing that would not be accurate is there would be more truth to these fictional memories than anyone would want to believe.

Even though my mind does an award winning job of remembering events that I have altered in the storybook of my life, my memory excels at forgetting so much. It is like I am fractured into two parts. One part is experiencing the events and the other part recreates what took place. The two parts often fail to connect.

What I have written seems like basic common knowledge to me. Yet, I struggle to flee and outrun these horrors. They plague me every day. Yes, I have put much distance between me and them, but if I look over my shoulder, they are still there. I hope one day that these memories become so distant that all I can see is the beautiful landscapes around me.

(c) 11/12/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only