For those who struggle, it is a nightmare.  For those who have had their lives torn apart because a loved one committed suicide, the pain continues.  The questions continue.  Suicide of a loved one often destroys the lives of those left behind.

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Sunday, May 15, 2016

Body Memories Wake Me Up At Night

It happened again and boy was it intense.  Yep, the pain in my neck and shoulders was so great, I was crying "uncle", but it would not stop.  It was yet another night of body memories.  It isn't the first time and probably won't be the last.

I don't even recall the hour of the night, but I'm guessing somewhere in the 3am to 4am time frame.  All of the sudden, I was awake and my neck was hurting with excruciating pain.  I got up and went into the bathroom and could feel my shoulder muscles and my neck muscles as tight as could be.

The muscles were so tense that I think a steel rod would not have been as strong.  Any movement just exacerbated the situation.  The pain was excruciatingly tense.  It seemed like no end was in sight.

I tried to do some relaxation things that I know are helpful, but they didn't really work.  I tried to focus and visualize letting go of tension and pain, but it still was there.  Finally I just went back to bed and laid down feeling the intense pain with every movement.  I almost took an aleve but fought against doing that.

After I laid back down, I must have finally drifted off to sleep because I did not wake up until 9:30 in the morning.  My neck was not feeling as bad as it was in the middle of the night, just a few hours earlier.  However after a little movement, I could feel the residual tension and pain that was still there.

I got up and the more my body woke up, the more I felt the pain and tension.  It was one of those moments that you just feel grumpy and growly from the pain. It was a feeling of exhaustion.  It feels draining.

As the day went, the pain and tension was still there.  I continued to do relaxation things to help let go of it.  I continued to try and shift my focus.  Laying in the hammock felt good as I watched the trees sway in the wind.

Writing this, the pain and tension has subsided a lot more or maybe I've just numbed out to it and I don't feel it much at this point.  I have resisted taking an aleve because I hate taking any type of medication.  It just keeps you from dealing with what is at hand.  Yes, sometimes I do take something because the pain gets too much for me to bear.

What this is all about, I don't know.  I just know that it started from a moment of anxiety yesterday when I smelled onions cooking as food was being rewarmed.  There is something behind all of this, but right now its a mystery.  It is just another body memory that wakes me up at night.

After all, it wasn't but a couple of weeks ago when my back did the very same thing.  It was so painful that I could barely move in bed or get up.  The pain grew with such intensity and then disappeared by the time I woke up.

A story to be continued...

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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