Thursday, May 19, 2016

Trusting Anyone After Child Abuse

This is tough one for me.  I've struggled with it all my life.  I trust animals completely and they completely trust me.  However, when it comes to humans, its a different story.

Trusting anyone after child abuse feels like asking a rock to turn into a stick.  It isn't easy no way you slice it or dice it or think about it.  I think it gets better with time, but I know I still feel like I have one eye turned around looking for monsters in potentially every human.

Trusting is difficult.  It requires that I become vulnerable with others and let them inside of my very guarded personal boundaries.  People love to act one way, but their actions and words don't always match.  Some are masters at disguise and some you can see through very easy.

Child Abuse Makes You Less Trusting.

Child abuse makes you less trusting and accepting of others.  Child abuse leads you to believe other people are not as they appear.

For me, I think I'm always looking for ways people don't add up.  In my mind, I'm constantly checking to see if today is different than yesterday in what they say and do.  I'm looking for inconsistencies and awarding or taking points away on my mental checklist for others.  It is my way of trying to control my vulnerability.

Even for the people that I let in very close to me, I'm guarded.  I'm very guarded.  After all, the people close to me while growing up that I should have been able to trust, hurt me so badly.  They hurt me in many ways for most of my life.  It makes trusting anyone, even the good guys, a very difficult task.

To be touched by someone I am intimate with is like a moment where I cringe that they may hurt me.  My body longs for the touch, but it is still afraid of what was done to it.  I struggle with it to this day.  I've made considerable progress, but healthy touch becomes confusing to me.

I constantly feel like I have to watch what I say and do around everyone.  In my mind, if I don't do the right thing, they will abuse me like when I was a child or they will give me the silent treatment.  They will not want anything to do with me.   Yet, I know that is not true with those close to me, but my mind doesn't believe.  My mind knows what it experiences and it struggles to reconcile that with moments of today.

Trusting anyone after child abuse is not easy.  In some ways, this is probably good, but at times it gets in the way of the good side of life.  It crowds out the good guys.  It is probably one of the main reasons I went into massage school because I had to learn how to allow others to touch me.  It was not an easy thing to do.

The following blog post is one that I wrote about not feeling safe.  Click the following image to read "Never Felt Safe Growing Up".

If you've been through child abuse, is it easy for you to trust others?  How have you learned to trust again?  Please feel free to reply through the comments below.  It would be great to hear from others on this topic.

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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