Body Memories Wake Me Up At Night

It happened again and boy was it intense.  Yep, the pain in my neck and shoulders was so great, I was crying "uncle", but it would not stop.  It was yet another night of body memories.  It isn't the first time and probably won't be the last.

I don't even recall the hour of the night, but I'm guessing somewhere in the 3am to 4am time frame.  All of the sudden, I was awake and my neck was hurting with excruciating pain.  I got up and went into the bathroom and could feel my shoulder muscles and my neck muscles as tight as could be.

The muscles were so tense that I think a steel rod would not have been as strong.  Any movement just exacerbated the situation.  The pain was excruciatingly tense.  It seemed like no end was in sight.

I tried to do some relaxation things that I know are helpful, but they didn't really work.  I tried to focus and visualize letting go of tension and pain, but it still was there.  Finally I just went back to bed and laid down feeling the intense pain with every movement.  I almost took an aleve but fought against doing that.

After I laid back down, I must have finally drifted off to sleep because I did not wake up until 9:30 in the morning.  My neck was not feeling as bad as it was in the middle of the night, just a few hours earlier.  However after a little movement, I could feel the residual tension and pain that was still there.

I got up and the more my body woke up, the more I felt the pain and tension.  It was one of those moments that you just feel grumpy and growly from the pain. It was a feeling of exhaustion.  It feels draining.

As the day went, the pain and tension was still there.  I continued to do relaxation things to help let go of it.  I continued to try and shift my focus.  Laying in the hammock felt good as I watched the trees sway in the wind.

Writing this, the pain and tension has subsided a lot more or maybe I've just numbed out to it and I don't feel it much at this point.  I have resisted taking an aleve because I hate taking any type of medication.  It just keeps you from dealing with what is at hand.  Yes, sometimes I do take something because the pain gets too much for me to bear.

What this is all about, I don't know.  I just know that it started from a moment of anxiety yesterday when I smelled onions cooking as food was being rewarmed.  There is something behind all of this, but right now its a mystery.  It is just another body memory that wakes me up at night.

After all, it wasn't but a couple of weeks ago when my back did the very same thing.  It was so painful that I could barely move in bed or get up.  The pain grew with such intensity and then disappeared by the time I woke up.

A story to be continued...

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Onions Make Me Sick

I used to love the taste but not anymore.  I'm talking about onions because they make me sick.  Too many places out there that serve food think that the more onions they put in food, the better it is.  However, for those of us that onions make you sick, it is a nightmare.

I can tolerate a small minute amount of onions finally.  For some time, I could not even tolerate them at all.  However, a food place we went to this evening decided that they were going to make a salad with mostly onions and a few pieces of lettuce.  I should have known at that point.

The next thing was the main dish.  It started out tasting good but there was a strong taste in it that I didn't recognize.  Finally I put two and two together and realized it was laced with so many onions.  I could not even finish the dish because the taste and smell of the onions was nauseating me.

Within a few more minutes, I could feel a burning in my throat.  In addition, it was not like I couldn't breathe, but my throat was swollen and breathing was much more difficult.  As I write this, my stomach feels nauseated.  The continued taste and smell of the onion in my mouth is not making things easy.

Why do these food places think that if a little onion is good, then more is better.  Sure, I know it is a "healthy food", but if it makes you violently sick to your stomach and keeps you from breathing, then how healthy is that?  Most food places don't get it either.

Its hard to find a lot of packaged products without onions.  Again, the food manufacturers go hog wild in putting onion in stuff.  I'm surprised they don't put it in bottled water because I think it is in just about everything else.

I've learned to cook a lot of foods just so they don't have onion in it.  Its the only way most of the time.  At times I can tolerate a little onion and at other times, it makes me so sick for days.

What gets me though is the over-use of onions in cooking, both in restaurants and in just about everything you buy.  Not everything out there needs onions!  You can make delicious dishes without it.

What is even more sad is that places could care less if onions are horrible for you or not.  Things that you would not think have onions in it, do have them.  Trying to find that out sometimes is difficult at best.  I've went round and round with Sweet Tomatoes only to be pretty much told, get lost.  I've learned that even if I don't think something would have onions in it, I ask if it does.  Sometimes the staff knows and often they do not!

I don't want everyone else to suffer because I can't eat onions, but I would at least like to see these food restaurants and manufacturers actually learn how to cook, not just drench the food with heavy spices.  I would like to see them notate what ingredients are in dishes you order and foods you buy.  That should be the bare minimum.

Of course though, in our society we just could care less about situations like I go through.  We think it is good for us and that's as far as our brain functions.  If you're a person though that suffers with a food allergy or sensitivity, its no fun going through it.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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030116

Onions And Garlic Hurt My Stomach

Even though I try hard to stay away from certain foods, sometimes it is unavoidable.  It seems like everything in this world has to have onions and garlic in it to be called food.  Yes, I know how healthy and beneficial these things are and how great they taste.  However, if your stomach becomes upset from them, it is hard to accept the health benefits.

I know I have written about this subject before, (see Phantom Smells Of Trauma, Onions) but yesterday I had some foods that had onions and garlic in them.  My stomach hurt with pains that felt like someone was inside of me punching the exterior wall of my abdomen with as much force and frequency as they could.  Normally I get very warm and a headache starts, but this did not happen this time.

In fact, I think I have actually gotten better with this food allergy or food sensitivity with onions and garlic than I was not long ago.  I have virtually cut out diary and I actually believe that has helped me.  In addition to that, I've been doing some intense healing work on myself, which is probably accounting for the change.

Phantom Smells Of Trauma, Onions

“I afraid they will find out”

“I’m afraid they will come after me”

“I’ve been threatened before,” I exclaimed! How dare you tell me this isn’t real? It feels more real than me breathing air at this point. It feels more real than life itself and yet, I’m being told, it isn’t real. Oh come on, how am I supposed to believe that? How can I even begin to accept that? I feel the fear within me. I feel the trembling inside. My body wants to hide. And yet, I’m being told that I am safe and I am okay?

Those thoughts and words were going through my mind yesterday as I had a session with Dr. Canali. My body felt overwhelmed by life and where I thought my pain was originating was really not where it was located. Here for the past week or so, I’ve been feeling pain in my shoulder, my hips and my back. I managed to release much of it on my own but the feelings, the fear, and the emotions were still locked within me. While I wanted to dismiss this and hope it would go away, deep down I knew that this would not happen.

Fear has ruled my life even though I’ve tried to ignore it, minimize it, and run from it. Life knows I’m good at covering things up and running from them. I have gotten so good at this that I cannot even tell when I’m doing it. I’m amazed at how we as humans can live in fear and completely ignore it or act like we are complete strangers.

The session didn’t feel like I had really accomplished much. It was a struggle to just allow myself to trust another person, especially their touch. I could tell at points during the session, my body did come down, let go and relax. Yet, I felt agitated and distant. I felt like I was almost just not present. It was almost like I was floating somewhere in space apart from a physical location although I knew I was there. Going into the night, I felt very out of it. I didn’t feel centered and grounded. I didn’t feel like I was in a place where I wanted to be.

All the way home, I smelled onions. It didn’t matter if I was in the car or I had the windows rolled down or in the hotel room. I just continued to smell onions. The more I smelled the onions, the more I felt angry and agitated. Feeling overwhelmed, I felt almost as if this would just never end. To this day, the slightest smell of onion brings out a nanosecond response by me with anger and disgust and leaves me feeling nauseated. I used to love onions but I can’t stand the smell or sight of them. Eating them will make me violently sick to my stomach. Why? I have no idea! I wish I knew. And somehow, I’ve got a feeling that smelling the onions is somehow connected to the specific work in the stomach that I was doing yesterday in the session with Dr. Canali.

While I didn’t realize my stomach had been in as much pain as it had been in, when I got on the table, it felt like a big lump deep inside. It was painful. It was intensely painful. The slightest touch almost brought me to my knees in tears. I felt an intense sadness there and when I say intense, I mean a very strong feeling. In the sadness, I felt fear. While these things surprised me that they were there, I knew I had touched these feelings and points before. I remember the big black ball of goo that I once came up against in a session from a few years ago. Maybe this is all connected?

Before going to the session, my stomach was physically expanded from my body. It was like I had gained 30 pounds in the past week although I knew that was not the case. My pants felt very tight on me around the waist that morning. I did not even need a belt as my pants are normally a loose on me. When I got home, I noticed that I needed a belt. The tightness around my waist was no longer there. It physically changed in the session. Eating supper last night was much easier than it had been. Lately, I had struggled to eat anything and was resorting to junk food. Whatever we touched in this session really caused a big change in me physical. While I’m not sure what that is, it is helpful to at least see this physical change was possible.

I wish all of this was in clear view and something I could understand. It is not clear at this point. For now, all I can do is stay with all that is going on within me and realize that most likely I have much processing that is taking place within me. It is not a fun place to be and is a little difficult to keep the faith, so to speak. However, I know that I have been in these moments before and I manage to find a way through them. That is all I have to hold on to at the moment. The rest will work itself out, if I don’t stop the process with fears coming up within me. It is not so much about what I could do in this situation as it is about me allowing things to process and change. It is about me allowing myself to go into the fear and let it go. It is about me allowing my thoughts from the old tapes to be replaced. In my allowing, I know I will find peace, comfort and healing.

(Above Picture taken at South Beach, FL - (c) 09/11/10)

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