Why Do Things Get So Bad Before We Wake Up

I received a question via email that I thought was very good.  It challenged me to answer it, but that is fine.  I like to be challenged with questions because it helps me go in and focus on things that I need to refine in my own mind.  It helps me grow and I welcome questions.

The question was:

Why is it with human beings that things have to get so bad, so horrible, almost to the depths of hell, before we wake up?  And then, we forget again.  It is like history is repeating itself over and over.

My first thought goes to peeling the layers of an onion.  When we hold an onion in our hand, it is made up of many layers.  If we could gently remove the outer layer, we would see another layer.  As we keep pulling layers back one after another, we see more what lies beneath it.  However, until we pull that top layer off, and then the next top layer off, we will never see what lies beneath it.

It takes courage to go in and remove the layers.  It takes strength and confidence and a willingness to leave all that we know, while venturing into the unknown.  This is not easy for humans to do because the ego is strong.  The ego holds us back from truly seeing all things or allowing ourselves to see all things.  Our experiences in life hold us back from seeing what we need to see, but that is part of the journey of life as we discover ourselves more each day.

Our baggage and experiences...

Sometimes it is just not easy to go in and deal with life and all our baggage and our experiences.  Sometimes these things are so difficult and intense and horrific that to muster up the courage and strength to go in and see them, requires an almost Hercules type of strength.  Our ego and our mind tell us instead that it is easier to just survive and numb out or hide and disconnect from all of this.  We convince ourselves that to neglect and avoid this stuff is by far our best option, when in fact that just robs us of the strength we need in order to heal.

We don't know there is an alternative...

Often we don't know there is an alternative.  How our life played out seems more normal than going in and uncovering that which appears odd, strange, and anything but what it should be.  We are often conditioned in our early years of life to accept what we are shown and taught and to disregard anything that falls outside of these parameters.  Even the most horrific moments that we endure can become so commonplace that we have absolutely no idea that there is anything beyond it.  We cannot see that others don't experience the same thing.

Don't rock the boat...

We live in a society where people urge us to not rock the boat and upset the apple cart.  Often, if we do challenge the status quo of our own life, we are connected to others that would rather remain asleep for the same reasons listed above in what I just wrote.  It is easier for them if we don't travel into our journey, because it leaves them feeling like they are out on a limb all by themselves or that they are damaged.  They desire not to see it and by our journey of discovery and healing, it creates a moment where our life becomes a mirror reflected back to them that they are trying desperately to avoid.

Moment of growing and learning...

Sometimes, it is just a moment where we are growing and learning, even if it seems like we are revisiting history and have not made much progress.  These horrific moments of pain and suffering we have lived through are not easy.  They have often lasted a lifetime and are connected to so many neural pathways with fingers stretching to other moments in life.  Even when it seems like we are revisiting them, it is then that I believe we are going in and reworking the networks of all the tiny little neural pathway fingers.

Far too overwhelming for the mind...

It is not easy to do this all at once because it would be far too overwhelming for the mind.  The mind wants to protect us and keep us alive, but if we throw the entire war at it in one moment, it will be too much.  It takes time to go in and dissect the neural pathways of the brain and consciousness.  It requires us to use the microscope to look at the layers in a much deeper way.  All of this takes time.

Healing is not a linear sequence...

Healing does not unfold in a linear sequence.  There are parts of one pain that are worked on while other parts of a different pain may be unfolding.  Those little parts of different pains may be connected in some way that we are not aware of or conscious of and yet they need to happen before the next step takes place.  Without these various parts, we cannot build the foundation we need for longer lasting healing that goes deep into our own consciousness.

If you have ever watched a computer hard drive defragment itself, you can see that some of the bits of information need to moved out of the way so you can rewrite that part of the memory.  It isn't that all of the parts are bad, but they are standing in the way of seeing the complete picture and allowing you to view life in a new way.  Once you organize the parts and clear the empty space, the memory begins to function together better.  The computer is able to use its resources more effectively.

How we learn and grow...

I think one final thought that comes to my mind is how we learn and grow.  If you went to a class to learn some new technique, I'm sure you could repeat the class and learn so much you didn't get the first time.  Our minds can only comprehend and understand so much at one time, based upon our circumstances and experiences of life.  Even though we think we've learned the lesson, there are most likely parts that have not yet been learned.  If we learned everything in one single moment, we would diminish the future parts that life has in store for us.

It may be that history is repeating itself, but often this means there are parts that have not yet healed and are finally able to surface so we can begin to look at them.  The history part is the unconscious connections to parts that we were not able to see how they fit together.  As they come up and then come back for us to look at again, we are often stronger and more focused and more able to have those ah ha moments.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Stress Overload Video

This video is of a day long past now, but what I was going through at the time with headaches and back pain from exhaustion in my life.  A job that I loved, had turned toxic and it was slowly killing me.  Much has now changed in my life, but at the time I recorded this, I could barely keep myself awake in the day, let alone accomplish anything.  My doctor put me on a medical leave of absence and I once again began to find myself.  My body and mind were overwhelmed by stress and I had to stop and rest.  There was no going on until I did.

 YouTube Video:  Stress Overload - Pain And Headaches

Overwhelming Outbursts Of Anger

Its overwhelming.  It is difficult to say the least.  By the time anyone reads this, things will hopefully have changed, but I just want to write this.  I want to record what is going on in hopes that others will learn or feel like they are not all alone.

We all put a good front on to the world.  We make it look like everything is okay.  They don't often get to see the ugly side of us with the depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, and unleashed anger.  After all, our ego keeps us from displaying this side.

For me lately, the stress has been overwhelming.  The overwhelm is overwhelming.  I've been trying to get through the days, but I feel like I'm in a boat tossed in a stormy sea and have no way to steer or row out of it.

As a result, my angry outbursts have increased.  It gets so difficult that the only way I can even begin to deal with it is just scream, pound the desk, slam the doors and hit the walls.  Those in the house including the cats run for cover.  Of course, I'd never hurt anyone or any pet, but they have no desire to be close to me in those moments.

Overwhelmed By All That I Sense

Some days I get really tired of it.  I pick up way too much from others whether it is reading words online or being in close proximity to another person.  I see what isn't written, and I feel what they are feeling.  I see what lies behind the body expressions or the words that are spoken and the sounds I hear.  To me, it is all just a normal part of life I deal with and often exhausts me.

Yes, I'm learning how to dial it down, but I still feel the energy and feelings that surround me.  It is like everyone walks around with this big bubble of stuff on the outside and in that it is filled with so much information about them.  That's the part I pick up constantly.  It is no different for me, then looking at someone and seeing what color hair they have, or the colors they are wearing or any other thing you may notice in someone.

A Nervous World

I'm noticing more and more just how much the world has changed.  Because of frightening events around the world, people don't feel very secure.  We live in a nervous world and it really is showing.  If you take a moment to observe this, you'll see it everywhere.

Whether it is someone speeding down the interstate acting as if that one second they will get to their desired location means more than life itself, or the person that has no time for a stop sign, you can see a nervous world.

It could be just someone not having time to connect with close friends and thinking that social media via Facebook or Twitter is all the connection we need.  After all, we have all these social media connections, but were often too busy to really connect with one another through the heart.  Again, we live in a nervous world.

Phantom Smells Of Trauma, Onions

“I afraid they will find out”

“I’m afraid they will come after me”

“I’ve been threatened before,” I exclaimed! How dare you tell me this isn’t real? It feels more real than me breathing air at this point. It feels more real than life itself and yet, I’m being told, it isn’t real. Oh come on, how am I supposed to believe that? How can I even begin to accept that? I feel the fear within me. I feel the trembling inside. My body wants to hide. And yet, I’m being told that I am safe and I am okay?

Those thoughts and words were going through my mind yesterday as I had a session with Dr. Canali. My body felt overwhelmed by life and where I thought my pain was originating was really not where it was located. Here for the past week or so, I’ve been feeling pain in my shoulder, my hips and my back. I managed to release much of it on my own but the feelings, the fear, and the emotions were still locked within me. While I wanted to dismiss this and hope it would go away, deep down I knew that this would not happen.

Fear has ruled my life even though I’ve tried to ignore it, minimize it, and run from it. Life knows I’m good at covering things up and running from them. I have gotten so good at this that I cannot even tell when I’m doing it. I’m amazed at how we as humans can live in fear and completely ignore it or act like we are complete strangers.

The session didn’t feel like I had really accomplished much. It was a struggle to just allow myself to trust another person, especially their touch. I could tell at points during the session, my body did come down, let go and relax. Yet, I felt agitated and distant. I felt like I was almost just not present. It was almost like I was floating somewhere in space apart from a physical location although I knew I was there. Going into the night, I felt very out of it. I didn’t feel centered and grounded. I didn’t feel like I was in a place where I wanted to be.

All the way home, I smelled onions. It didn’t matter if I was in the car or I had the windows rolled down or in the hotel room. I just continued to smell onions. The more I smelled the onions, the more I felt angry and agitated. Feeling overwhelmed, I felt almost as if this would just never end. To this day, the slightest smell of onion brings out a nanosecond response by me with anger and disgust and leaves me feeling nauseated. I used to love onions but I can’t stand the smell or sight of them. Eating them will make me violently sick to my stomach. Why? I have no idea! I wish I knew. And somehow, I’ve got a feeling that smelling the onions is somehow connected to the specific work in the stomach that I was doing yesterday in the session with Dr. Canali.

While I didn’t realize my stomach had been in as much pain as it had been in, when I got on the table, it felt like a big lump deep inside. It was painful. It was intensely painful. The slightest touch almost brought me to my knees in tears. I felt an intense sadness there and when I say intense, I mean a very strong feeling. In the sadness, I felt fear. While these things surprised me that they were there, I knew I had touched these feelings and points before. I remember the big black ball of goo that I once came up against in a session from a few years ago. Maybe this is all connected?

Before going to the session, my stomach was physically expanded from my body. It was like I had gained 30 pounds in the past week although I knew that was not the case. My pants felt very tight on me around the waist that morning. I did not even need a belt as my pants are normally a loose on me. When I got home, I noticed that I needed a belt. The tightness around my waist was no longer there. It physically changed in the session. Eating supper last night was much easier than it had been. Lately, I had struggled to eat anything and was resorting to junk food. Whatever we touched in this session really caused a big change in me physical. While I’m not sure what that is, it is helpful to at least see this physical change was possible.

I wish all of this was in clear view and something I could understand. It is not clear at this point. For now, all I can do is stay with all that is going on within me and realize that most likely I have much processing that is taking place within me. It is not a fun place to be and is a little difficult to keep the faith, so to speak. However, I know that I have been in these moments before and I manage to find a way through them. That is all I have to hold on to at the moment. The rest will work itself out, if I don’t stop the process with fears coming up within me. It is not so much about what I could do in this situation as it is about me allowing things to process and change. It is about me allowing myself to go into the fear and let it go. It is about me allowing my thoughts from the old tapes to be replaced. In my allowing, I know I will find peace, comfort and healing.

(Above Picture taken at South Beach, FL - (c) 09/11/10)

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

What Is Fear?

Fear is the emotional response to a perceived threat, real or imagined. It is one of our basic innate emotions. Fear is associated with the actions of escape or avoidance.

In the book, "The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals" by Charles Darwin, he gives an excellent and vivid description of fear.

Fear is often preceded by astonishment, and is so far akin to it, that both lead to the senses of sight and hearing being instantly aroused. In both cases the eyes and mouth are widely opened, and the eyebrows raised. The frightened man at first stands like a statue motionless and breathless, or crouches down as if instinctively to escape observation. The heart beats quickly and violently, so that it palpitates or knocks against the ribs... That the skin is much affected under the sense of great fear, we see in the marvelous manner in which perspiration immediately exudes from it... The hairs also on the skin stand erect; and the superficial muscles shiver. In connection with the disturbed action of the heart, the breathing is hurried. The salivary glands act imperfectly; the mouth becomes dry, and is often opened and shut.

Fear is a normal response to protect us from danger and if we could not feel it, we would not be able to protect ourselves. Our life experiences alter how we feel and perceive fears in our lives. All too often, people who have been traumatized are triggered by current experiences that have no basis in real dangers. The fear then becomes a connection to an event that is not real in the moment but is perceived by that person.

The parts of the brain that are involved in the fear response include the amygdala which stores emotional memories including fear memories, the hippocampus which puts memories and experience in context to the stimuli being faced, the thalamus which decides where to send incoming data that it receives and the hypothalamus which is responsible for the fight or flight response.

Many times, we hear people tell us or others to not be afraid and portray fear to be something that is bad or negative. All emotions are part of our mind and body for a reason whether they are from real or perceived sources. Our job should not be to discount, abhor, or condemn these emotions. Instead our job should be to embrace all of our emotions whether we feel they are positive or negative and fully become aware of how they impact our mind, our body and our personal growth.

Too often, our society tries to control others and bring others in line with what we feel is the proper way to look at some aspect of life. The use of fear is one of the main ways that this is done and all you have to do is look around yourself in a day, and you can see evidence of this. From the government and their policies, to politics, schools, society norms, religious institutions and even down into the family practices and norms. Fear is often used as a weapon against others. Even the news media is extremely skilled at using fear to get us to tune into the news programs.

Take a step back though and consider just how valuable fear is to our lives. It helps protect us and keep us from doing harmful things to ourselves and others. If we embrace it and we go into the fear, our lives become much more rich and full and alive. Of course, if we constantly overwhelm ourselves with fear from every direction, than fear becomes a hindrance to our lives.

Fear holds great power and energy and if we push it down in our lives and try to distance ourselves from it, than it will rob us of so much. Fear is potential energy that can be used to create a chair reaction of events into further awareness and potential benefit. We can learn so much from it and use it to move us forward into situations that benefit our lives and our growth.

Often we are so afraid of fear and we are so overwhelmed in life that we can not deal with fear. We find ways to avoid it and run from it while it finds ways to get out attention. We may think we are avoiding it or just not thinking about fear but in the end, we are only fooling ourselves. If we continue to fool ourselves, our fears will get our attention and they will force us to deal with them. The sooner we begin to listen to our fears and embrace them, the better off we will be.



*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

The Body In The Shutdown Process, Part 3

For Part 2, Click Here - June 25, 2009

At the end of the session, Dr. Canali did some major adjustments on my neck because there were still some stiffness and alignment issues. You see, as our bodies become overwhelmed with fear and as they repeat the stories of old, our bodies change biologically and physically. So as these things are released, the body then has the ability to come back into balance and alignment. The neck adjustments don’t always feel good and often my body tries to hold itself back from these but again, if the fear part of my brain allows my body to let go, the outcomes are unimaginable.

When we left Dr. Canali’s office, I felt so much different than when I came in a few hours earlier. Yes, I did have two sessions that day because my body had so many mountains to cross through. I still remember one patient there looking at me and telling me that I looked much different than I came in. He said he could tell that I was in a lot of pain. And yet now, I was walking out of there without hardly any pain. My legs were moving like they had never moved before. The stiffness in my neck and shoulder were basically gone. I felt a little out of it as if time had quickly passed by that day and I needed to catch up. So we went to a park off of the bay and just enjoyed some down time in the sunshine and in nature while I was able to process more of what had gone on. It was a beautiful time to just be there and take it all in.

The plan was to make the 270 mile trip back that night but it was getting late and I really felt that my body needed rest instead of the stress of driving the distance. We stayed overnight and it felt good just to relax in the hot tub at the hotel and enjoy a peaceful night of sleep.

As I went into the night, I noticed that I was holding my body as I was before my sessions just as if it was full of pain and stiffness. Noticing that, I told myself why am I doing this? For my body doesn’t feel bad and there is nothing wrong. I no longer needed to hold my body in this way. Then it would release. Of course as Dr. Canali explained to me, that the pattern I was holding before was now in my conscious mind and it allowed me to make different choices and to do something about it.

I also shared with Dr. Canali that I believed this was the most acute physical situation I had been in since I had known him. Seeing how my body was in such a state of shutting down, even beyond that which I was able to pick up before the session and then seeing that allowing my body to heal and the results that followed were eye opening. It was not like I needed anyone to tell me this was or was not possible. It was something that was proven to me through my own body. I knew from firsthand experience that this truth was not what someone told me but it came out of my own body where I could see it, touch it and feel it.

I’m reminded that there is no greater truth than which you can connect with in your own body, mind and soul. There is so much more out there than what we are currently aware of and although the fears may be strong and although we may feel overwhelmed as if there is no hope, this is the moment being given to us so that we may truly discover another part of ourselves. It is a gift that we can either open or ignore. If we choose NOT to open it, we may trick ourselves into thinking it has gone away. It will continue attempting to get our attention. At some point we will either continue to ignore it or we will begin to listen to it. Through listening and opening to all that it is, we give ourselves one of the greatest gifts any human could have. That gift is truly knowing ourselves and how we impact the rest of the world by becoming more human.

The Body In The Shutdown Process, Part 2

For Part 1, Click Here - June 24, 2009

Oh please let me hide. I wonder if I can withdraw myself enough into the table so that no one will notice I’m here. Maybe this will all go away. Maybe everyone will go away. Do I really want to be here? I’m scared. I’m not sure there is a way out.

That’s how I felt walking in the door of Dr. Canali’s office. My body was overwhelmed with fear and while it wanted to be held, reassured and validated; any perceived touch felt like a nuclear bomb going on inside. It was such conflicting thoughts and desires that confused my mind into an endless stream of thoughts.

I could feel the heaviness in my chest preventing my body from really breathing. The breath was in lock step with wanting to hide for if I barely breathed, no one would see me. I felt the stiffness of my body not wanting to move and being in pain when I did. Outside of the pain and stiffness in my body, I felt very little. The trembling and shaking in my body were present and very annoying to me. They remind me of the early days of the paralysis when I would shake and have seizures while feeling all alone. Everyone would watch me from a distance feeling helpless while my body went through all these violent movements being afraid and alone. While I now know that the trembling and shaking is the nervous system letting go, I am still frightened by it as a trigger to a very scary moment in my past.

A lot of the session is a blur to me. There are little bits and pieces that I remember but not enough to draw a complete picture. I do remember some of those moments. Most things early in the session would startle me. And it is still imprinted in my mind that Dr. Canali told me “he and Quayny believed in me”. That’s something that I never got growing up and often I struggle to have the confidence in myself because no one was there for me. Those appropriate timed words were priceless and they brought tears to my eyes.

One such moment was when I could feel my hands and arms in an almost rigid form where they would not move. Quayny kept working with me to just focus on moving my fingers which was difficult beyond rationale. But as we went and she kept me focusing on what I felt, I stated that it was as if I wanted to take a baseball bat and hit someone. Of course, I’m still not sure who that “someone” was but it had so much power to those words. Quayny suggested that I take an imaginary baseball bat in my hand and make the motion as if I was doing that. To just feel the energy of it and the motion of it. As I did this, the tension in my hand and my body began to change. It began to let go and allow someone to begin the physical touch with me.

Another moment in the session, I told Dr. Canali that I really wanted to get up off the table and run as fast as I could and as far as I could. That’s the response that I get when confronted by fear. It is also known as “fight or flight”. So Dr. Canali told me that we were going to use that energy to bring about a change in my body without going into the fear part of the brain. He put the flat part of my feet together and had me lift the pelvic area of my body to help stretch the psoas muscle. When I did this, the pains that shot down through my legs were so intense that I screamed several curse words out. It was not so much a physical pain, although it was showing up that way. It was the connection to the fears locked within me.

At that moment, I felt the pain that connected me to a time many years earlier where I had felt the same thing. Actually I had buried this one pretty deep because until this current connection was made, I was not consciously aware of it. That pain was the same thing I felt in my legs early on in the paralysis when it was just hitting me. It was the pain that took my body by surprise and was so intense, that after that I could not feel a thing in my legs. They were numb and nearly dead. So when we hit this moment in the session, all of that came flooding back to me.

We pushed this reaction further in the session which then caused a shaking and trembling in my legs but as I allowed myself to connect with this and allowed it to take place, the pain and tension released. The tears started to form much as they are doing while I’m writing this because it allowed me to truly feel my legs for the first time in my ENTIRE life. Let me repeat that because this is a very big thing for me. I began to really feel my legs for the first in my ENTIRE life in a way I had NEVER felt them before. It was electrifying, pulsing, and warm and my legs felt alive. I could feel the touch around them. They felt like they were part of me instead of just being a body part that held me up as I moved around in a day. It was truly a moment in joy for me.

The specifics of the rest of the session are ones that I just don’t recall. So much was happening and taking place. I was going into the fears and not letting the fear part of my brain (amygdala) take over. I was finding my power as I released these things and went deep into the pain. The desire to freeze was there but the more I went and allowed my body to heal in the way it needed to, the more freedom I had.

For our bodies do know what is needed to heal and yet we stay in a state of “survival” locked into our fears. This prevents us from healing and growing in ways that are essential to our becoming more and more human every day. Often the fears are unconscious like they were in me before I went to the session but they are there. It is through the touch of a skilled person who can be there through all of this with someone that we are truly able to go from survival fear into being connected intimately between our mind and body. I had to be reminded of this even though I know it to be true and I work with it. The fear part of our brain is strong but when we empower ourselves from the inside out, we are the ones who are strong.

--- come back tomorrow for Part 3 ---

The Body In The Shutdown Process, Part 1

Lately, I knew I had been struggling a lot in life. There have been so many things that have blasted me that the overwhelm I was feeling was taking me under. However, I thought I was dealing with it and taking care of business so to speak. In mind mind, I thought I was handling it and not letting it get to me.

By Sunday, it had begun to get the best of me as I woke up that morning with pain shooting through my neck and shoulder. As the day progressed, the pain worsened and my shoulder/neck muscles became very contracted making movement difficult. I had someone work on me a little while I laid on the massage table but as badly as I wanted to be touched, my body was repelling anything that they did. My thoughts were that I so badly wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be ok but at the same time, I did not want anyone to touch me. For the more I was touched, the more I connected to intense pain from one end of my body to the next.

Of course, I've been down this road before through paralysis, stiff neck episodes, muscle pain, back pain and my body generally just freezing up. This was not new to me but when I could not feel my legs or most of my body, I knew that it was time to take action. There was no doubt at that point that if I waited any longer, the result of this could get extremely serious.

I called Dr. Canali (Evolutionary Healing Institute), the one that knows how to bring me back from this. And of course, he told me what I knew he would and that was I needed to get down to see him for a session. To me, it wasn't really about needing him to tell me that as it was I just needed to draw the line in the sand with myself. Otherwise, I would have discounted all of this and attempted to brush it off trying to "think" it would get better. I know myself enough on this as I've been through this before.

For today's blog entry, I'm going to include what I wrote before I went to see Dr. Canali. It is my line in the sand of what all was going on. Please check back for the next day's blog entry to read more about the healing part of the session. It is just too much information and material to post all at once. The emotions and overall big picture is the important point, not the individual items.

Journal Entry 06/21/09

Snakes
Nightmares of snakes – startled by them, surprised by them but to afraid – almost paralyzed to move and get away from them. Sometimes I don’t jump out of bed and be startled but it is where I can barely close my eyes and go back to sleep. Seems to happen in the early morning hours.

Been plenty of snakes around the yard this spring and in the past few weeks. I’ve groomed the lawn to just about take away any cover they might have and they still come around. I’m almost afraid to go out around the lawn but if I do, it is only during the daylight hours. I’m watching every step I take and our grass isn’t that tall either. I’m completely on guard the entire time in the yard and even around the pool now that one got inside.

I was upset with Jeff because he had put the gas can away in its place but pushed it so far in the cubby hole we have for it. A couple of weeks earlier I had seen a small little baby snake crawling around the vicinity. So I made Jeff pull the garbage can out so I wouldn’t have to reach back in there to get it.

Snakes have always scared me. Even seeing pictures on TV or in a magazine or where ever they might be. I either have to leave the room, shut my eyes or just block them out. They scare me and I’ll usually jump immediately when I see one. It doesn’t have to be real. It can just be a picture.


Family Nightmares
I’ve had so many recurrent dreams lately where my family is all killed in either a car crash or suicide/murder type situation. Whatever way it happens, it is a violent end to their life and I’m the only one left out of the family. I then have to go and identify their remains and take care of all their funerals, burial and possessions. The weather is snowy and cold during these scenarios.

Seeing the horrible scene of their deaths all together is more than I care to see. Taking care of all their possessions and the legal stuff is exhausting.

This one has played out time and time again, night after night. It is almost like a movie that just won’t end. Exhausting, tiring, and frustrating to say the least on this.

Prosperity
Reading the book “open your mind to prosperity” and it was going good until I got to the chapter on tithing which the author said you needed to give your money to the place where you get your spiritual growth. I don’t go to church nor do I want to go to church. The author claimed that just giving money to charity didn’t fulfill this part and you really needed to be going to some type of church. My take on it was that no matter what I did or how I helped, it would be never good enough. The anger in me that started to come out reading this was enormous. It was like a volcano erupting that went on and on. I was feeling motivated by this book although it had religious references in it until this point and it deflated the balloon as quickly as it inflated. Up until this point, I had hope but it got obliterated at this point.

The Everything Else Bucket
It seems like everything I’m doing lately is just coming up empty handed. I get so many ideas and try to pursue them but everything I’ve done seems to have fallen flat, empty handed, on the short stick so to speak. I’m frustrated beyond comprehension at life with everything that it seems like I face and with the shortfalls in my life. I try to look on the positive side, but it seems like the bucket only comes up empty. I keep wondering when and if things are ever going to change for me.

Depression has set in. I feel it. My body feels it. A lack of interest in a lot of things. A lost interest in sex or going through the motion without feeling anything.

Anxiety has been attacking me lately and making a hot summer feel much worse.

A week ago, I was basically shutting down from a lot in life because it was more than I could handle. Too many problems arose from the AC repair to the pool system problems to whatever else was going on which I can’t even remember at this moment. It was like, bam bam bam thank you bam bam bam some more. I know I said a few times that I really can’t take any more. I was at the end of my rope and had more than enough.

The Hiding
Lately I’ve wanted to just hide. Find a corner of the room and hide behind a chair so no one could see me, get to me or hurt me. It is like I’m hiding from a war, a battle or people just beating the daylights out of someone. These people seem familiar but I don’t know for sure who they are. If I had to offer a guess or write a fictional story, it would have as the main characters, my mom and dad. But the hiding is from something of fuzzy details.

I sometimes don’t even want to go into the store or go outside. I want to stay away from people and a little afraid of them as well as me going off on them. Sort of like how I will sometimes get around the holidays.

The Pain
This morning I was awakened early by the pain in my neck muscles. It hurt so bad that it woke me up. I’ve struggled all day with it and felt so tired all day as well – worse than many of the past many days of being tired. I tried to relax in the pool and take it easy. I can feel the pain and stiffness go all the way down to my low back as it makes walking difficult and breathing very labored. I feel the restriction in my chest as my lungs try to breathe.

After the last workshop, I felt so good – so full of joy, hope and peaceful that lasted for a couple of weeks.

Jeff tried to work on me and while I so badly wanted to be held and told that everything would be ok, my body did not want to be touched. I really hate it when this happens because it really messes with my mind.

So I called Dr. Canali today just because I wanted all of this to be real and that it wouldn’t be something I would just discount as the day went.

--- come back tomorrow for Part 2 ---