Monday, September 7, 2015

Overwhelming Outbursts Of Anger

Its overwhelming.  It is difficult to say the least.  By the time anyone reads this, things will hopefully have changed, but I just want to write this.  I want to record what is going on in hopes that others will learn or feel like they are not all alone.

We all put a good front on to the world.  We make it look like everything is okay.  They don't often get to see the ugly side of us with the depression, anxiety, suicide attempts, and unleashed anger.  After all, our ego keeps us from displaying this side.

For me lately, the stress has been overwhelming.  The overwhelm is overwhelming.  I've been trying to get through the days, but I feel like I'm in a boat tossed in a stormy sea and have no way to steer or row out of it.

As a result, my angry outbursts have increased.  It gets so difficult that the only way I can even begin to deal with it is just scream, pound the desk, slam the doors and hit the walls.  Those in the house including the cats run for cover.  Of course, I'd never hurt anyone or any pet, but they have no desire to be close to me in those moments.

At one time, you would have never saw me react this way.  I just held it all in.  I let it eat me alive.  I let it paralyze me in the Conversion Disorder.

It took me years to even begin realizing that anger was a valid emotion.  I had seen anger wreck a house, cause all kinds of abuse, and do damage beyond repair.  So, anger was something I avoided, much like most people in this world do.

Now, as I'm learning how to express myself (which includes anger), I'm struggling to find the safer and more constructive ways to do it.  I'm learning.  I'm a work in progress and I'm not there yet.

Yes, I know that the situation I am in has to stop.  It has to change.  I don't like this person I am right now, but I've got to ride it a little longer.  In time, it will change and come to an end.  Maybe by the time you read this, things will have changed.

If we all don't experience anger, there is a side of us that does not exist.  It is just as valid of an emotion as anything else.  People who claim anger is bad are holding way too much in.  Anger is a "fire" emotion with much power.

I believe what I'm learning is that the trick to dealing with anger is finding constructive ways to release it and not hold it in.  To stuff it down deep inside is a death sentence on the body.  To take it out on others is unacceptable.

Anger should be a more temporary situation, not an ongoing energy every day.  In those situations where it has no end, then something in life most likely needs to change. It is not healthy to continue this way.

I still remember one therapist telling me that sometimes anger helps push us to make the changes we need to make.  Sometimes anger is there to help protect us until we can make that new choice.

I think anger often comes from the fear of what we need to do, and the inability to think we can do that which is needed.  It comes from feeling trapped and out of control.

Fortunately though, we have much more in us that will help us move forward in our life if we only stop and listen to it.  If we stop and honor the energy of anger and allow it to transform us, there is no holding us back.  Anger can be very intense, but that pure, raw emotion can propel us into moments that we have no way to obtain at this time.

Blog Post And Images (c) 7/24/15 by Don Shetterly

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