Lately, I knew I had been struggling a lot in life. There have been so many things that have blasted me that the overwhelm I was feeling was taking me under. However, I thought I was dealing with it and taking care of business so to speak. In mind mind, I thought I was handling it and not letting it get to me.
By Sunday, it had begun to get the best of me as I woke up that morning with pain shooting through my neck and shoulder. As the day progressed, the pain worsened and my shoulder/neck muscles became very contracted making movement difficult. I had someone work on me a little while I laid on the massage table but as badly as I wanted to be touched, my body was repelling anything that they did. My thoughts were that I so badly wanted to be held and told that everything was going to be ok but at the same time, I did not want anyone to touch me. For the more I was touched, the more I connected to intense pain from one end of my body to the next.
Of course, I've been down this road before through paralysis, stiff neck episodes, muscle pain, back pain and my body generally just freezing up. This was not new to me but when I could not feel my legs or most of my body, I knew that it was time to take action. There was no doubt at that point that if I waited any longer, the result of this could get extremely serious.
I called Dr. Canali (Evolutionary Healing Institute), the one that knows how to bring me back from this. And of course, he told me what I knew he would and that was I needed to get down to see him for a session. To me, it wasn't really about needing him to tell me that as it was I just needed to draw the line in the sand with myself. Otherwise, I would have discounted all of this and attempted to brush it off trying to "think" it would get better. I know myself enough on this as I've been through this before.
For today's blog entry, I'm going to include what I wrote before I went to see Dr. Canali. It is my line in the sand of what all was going on. Please check back for the next day's blog entry to read more about the healing part of the session. It is just too much information and material to post all at once. The emotions and overall big picture is the important point, not the individual items.
Journal Entry 06/21/09
Nightmares of snakes – startled by them, surprised by them but to afraid – almost paralyzed to move and get away from them. Sometimes I don’t jump out of bed and be startled but it is where I can barely close my eyes and go back to sleep. Seems to happen in the early morning hours.
Been plenty of snakes around the yard this spring and in the past few weeks. I’ve groomed the lawn to just about take away any cover they might have and they still come around. I’m almost afraid to go out around the lawn but if I do, it is only during the daylight hours. I’m watching every step I take and our grass isn’t that tall either. I’m completely on guard the entire time in the yard and even around the pool now that one got inside.
I was upset with Jeff because he had put the gas can away in its place but pushed it so far in the cubby hole we have for it. A couple of weeks earlier I had seen a small little baby snake crawling around the vicinity. So I made Jeff pull the garbage can out so I wouldn’t have to reach back in there to get it.
Snakes have always scared me. Even seeing pictures on TV or in a magazine or where ever they might be. I either have to leave the room, shut my eyes or just block them out. They scare me and I’ll usually jump immediately when I see one. It doesn’t have to be real. It can just be a picture.
I’ve had so many recurrent dreams lately where my family is all killed in either a car crash or suicide/murder type situation. Whatever way it happens, it is a violent end to their life and I’m the only one left out of the family. I then have to go and identify their remains and take care of all their funerals, burial and possessions. The weather is snowy and cold during these scenarios.
Seeing the horrible scene of their deaths all together is more than I care to see. Taking care of all their possessions and the legal stuff is exhausting.
This one has played out time and time again, night after night. It is almost like a movie that just won’t end. Exhausting, tiring, and frustrating to say the least on this.
Reading the book “open your mind to prosperity” and it was going good until I got to the chapter on tithing which the author said you needed to give your money to the place where you get your spiritual growth. I don’t go to church nor do I want to go to church. The author claimed that just giving money to charity didn’t fulfill this part and you really needed to be going to some type of church. My take on it was that no matter what I did or how I helped, it would be never good enough. The anger in me that started to come out reading this was enormous. It was like a volcano erupting that went on and on. I was feeling motivated by this book although it had religious references in it until this point and it deflated the balloon as quickly as it inflated. Up until this point, I had hope but it got obliterated at this point.
The Everything Else Bucket
It seems like everything I’m doing lately is just coming up empty handed. I get so many ideas and try to pursue them but everything I’ve done seems to have fallen flat, empty handed, on the short stick so to speak. I’m frustrated beyond comprehension at life with everything that it seems like I face and with the shortfalls in my life. I try to look on the positive side, but it seems like the bucket only comes up empty. I keep wondering when and if things are ever going to change for me.
Depression has set in. I feel it. My body feels it. A lack of interest in a lot of things. A lost interest in sex or going through the motion without feeling anything.
Anxiety has been attacking me lately and making a hot summer feel much worse.
A week ago, I was basically shutting down from a lot in life because it was more than I could handle. Too many problems arose from the AC repair to the pool system problems to whatever else was going on which I can’t even remember at this moment. It was like, bam bam bam thank you bam bam bam some more. I know I said a few times that I really can’t take any more. I was at the end of my rope and had more than enough.
Lately I’ve wanted to just hide. Find a corner of the room and hide behind a chair so no one could see me, get to me or hurt me. It is like I’m hiding from a war, a battle or people just beating the daylights out of someone. These people seem familiar but I don’t know for sure who they are. If I had to offer a guess or write a fictional story, it would have as the main characters, my mom and dad. But the hiding is from something of fuzzy details.
I sometimes don’t even want to go into the store or go outside. I want to stay away from people and a little afraid of them as well as me going off on them. Sort of like how I will sometimes get around the holidays.
This morning I was awakened early by the pain in my neck muscles. It hurt so bad that it woke me up. I’ve struggled all day with it and felt so tired all day as well – worse than many of the past many days of being tired. I tried to relax in the pool and take it easy. I can feel the pain and stiffness go all the way down to my low back as it makes walking difficult and breathing very labored. I feel the restriction in my chest as my lungs try to breathe.
After the last workshop, I felt so good – so full of joy, hope and peaceful that lasted for a couple of weeks.
Jeff tried to work on me and while I so badly wanted to be held and told that everything would be ok, my body did not want to be touched. I really hate it when this happens because it really messes with my mind.
So I called Dr. Canali today just because I wanted all of this to be real and that it wouldn’t be something I would just discount as the day went.
--- come back tomorrow for Part 2 ---