The other day, I went in a for a session with Dr. Canali and I proudly displayed what was left of the rash I've been dealing with. (See blog post about the rash from Jan 5, 2010 - Body Memories, Abuse Memories and Trauma Recovery ) He looked at me and said, "Are you ready to let go of that today?" At first, the question struck me as odd and my immediate response was of course "yes, I am!"
However, as I sat there and thought about this like I do with everything, I wondered in my mind - was I really ready to let go of it. It was hard being honest with myself because deep down, I wasn't sure if I was. Here I had responded to Dr. Canali that I was ready to let go but part of me said - you really don't believe that do you?
Once I got on the table, I looked at Dr. Canali and stated that you know I thought I was ready to let go of it but to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I am. As I explained, this rash seems like a part of me just as any other body part. To let go or get rid of the rash means I'm giving up something about myself and if I do that, I'm not sure what will replace it.
You see the fear of what is beneath it (even if it has the potential of being something good) is unknown. It isn't a hopeful oh my gawd there's possiblity there. It is more of losing a major part of yourself that you've known all your life. It is like losing your identity that you come to know all your life even if the identity is twisted and not completely accurate.
See how difficult that could be to give this up? We all have these parts of ourselves. Even if they are parts we don't like about ourselves, they might have been there to help us survive situations or get us through life. Without them, we may fear that we cannot survive or continue in life even though that may not be the case. Survival in our early years has a tremendous impact on how we view our lives from that point forward.
This is part of the ego. It is a part of the ego that desires control and feeds off our own energy. To allow this part of the ego to continue its neurotic feeding frenzy on us, aids in the denial of our true self. I'm not going to write that it is easy to let go because I know from first hand experience just how difficult this is, how much control the ego and these things have over us and just how it can affect us physically.
As I went into the session, I came up against this part of me that did not want to let go. Was I successful that day in letting go? I'm not sure. I don't feel like I was or I completely was at this point. In fact, it felt like a war was waging within me that day from where Dr. Canali and his assistant, Quayny, were trying to assist me in moving forward from the part that wasn't about to let go. In fact, he did some acupuncture on me that day and the needle he had in my heart center (think that was what he called it) had to stay in for some time. He told me that my body was holding on to it for dear life.
The next day, I felt terrible in my body and I felt the anger full force. Fortunately I was able to work on myself on the table and release some of this through my body. I feel much better now than I did the next day after the session. A lot has moved through and out of me which is good.
You know, I so badly want to flee from the effects of all that I've been through and I wish I could wave a magic wand to do it. I know there is no such thing that exists because the way through this is for me to go within myself, into and through the fear and allow things to be let go. That's a process and one that isn't necessarily easy. I'm just glad I could be honest that day with Dr. Canali about really being afraid to let go of these things because I learned so much about myself that day.
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