A week ago, I was wondering in life if I would ever come to a point in my healing where things really changed in a way that was something I could go "that's it - I've got it!" I was beginning to get frustrated and tired of this process after several years of working intensely on things. The entire ordeal of the rash that started a few months back was almost the last straw that I could take.
Life was not easy for me and these recent developments have pushed my limits to the max and made me question everything that I know as well as all that I have learned. I am a person with great courage and determination to go through all that life has given me, but even some of these recent events challenged me to the point of almost exhaustion. There is a part of me that understands the higher purpose for this but when your body becomes weary and bruised to the bone, the capacity to go on is diminished.
So many people in my situation or other situations often give up or turn to alcohol, drugs, work, or other things to numb themselves from these things. I had my own ways that I numbed myself out. It may appear that it is far easier to just numb one's self than to find the strength and courage to face these things head on. However, if we continue to run from the fear and numb our pain, than we are only inviting a life full of heartache, despair and one that just seems to be too much to deal with.
Trauma changes our biology and it alters who we truly are as a person. Child abuse and trauma take the power away from the victim rendering them as participants in their body but not in control of who they are. No matter what that individual desires, without going into the process of fully discovering, acknowledging and releasing all that has gone on, these things will continue to hold power over the individual. It is like a short circuit in the brain. The effects of trauma are biological, physical and mental.
But just as I was coming to the end of my rope, the question of blog entry, (Are You Ready To Let Go?) came front and center with me. A war was waging that day within me to let go of something that I could not put into words. However, I knew it was there. At the same time, it was difficult to even begin thinking about letting go of it. After all, it was something I had known for many years and it was something that was such a part of me. So as the session continued, I found myself being very sensitive to all that was going on but still feeling like I was coming up against the short circuited part of my brain. The part that said, you'll never get through this - you can't do this - you're not worthy - you just won't make it - you're not good enough! As badly as I wanted to let go of that part of me, I realized just how difficult it was because it had grown so interconnected within me that to pluck it out meant I had to give up something that was so attached. As the session went, Dr. Canali did acupuncture on me and my body was so afraid of it, that it was hunched over trying to protect itself. Literally, my body was shielding itself from the acupuncture.
When I left the office that day, I felt discouraged because I didn't really think we had made any progress. By the time I got home from the 5 hour drive that night, my neck, shoulders, arm and back were in pain. They were stiff, sore and I began to blame it on sitting in the car for that long. Of course by the next morning, the anger was coming through in full force. I felt like I was pissed off the moment I woke up and really didn't understand why. My body ached and I felt horrible. Of course, Dr. Canali reminded me that this was all part of the process and to not go into the fear of it. He encouraged me to work on myself on the table which I did and that helped a lot. But just as he said, by the next day, I would feel much better and I did.
I woke up that next day feeling much lighter, freer and completely different than the day before. In the past, I've had moments where I felt better and more free and more relaxed but somehow, I knew this was different. It was a feeling of being connected to my heart and just not overwhelmed like I normally am. I noticed the anger was not anywhere near the level I normally have to deal with. It was a strange feeling and unusual because I don't think I have ever experienced it before.
Several days later and through a very stressful week, I'm still feeling very light, connected and centered. It is hard to explain but it is a wonderful feeling. This is a week later and it is still with me. I'm noticing that I'm able to talk to people and not feel so shy or nervous or sense the complete terror in my stomach. I'm noticing that I'm seeing people in a different light than I ever have and that feeling is coming from compassion instead of judgment and fear. Anger has been replaced by a willingness to be in the moment, not be bashed around by the moment. The source of anger seems to be dwindling and decreasing unlike any other moment in my life. I've had experiences in the past few days where I've had some deep connections with people I hardly know and felt confident enough to share things that I do understand. I'm experiencing a confidence in myself unlike any I've ever witnessed before. The stress of the weak did not cripple me. In fact, the stress just seemed to flow through and out of me. Yes, I felt the emotions at times and the affects of it but it didn't stay. It didn't last. If I acknowledged it, I noticed that it just sort of went poof!
As I shared this with Dr. Canali today, he reminded me that what I'm expeirencing is normal and it is the way life was intended to be. I'm thinking - wow - I like this! Bring this on some more! Give me more of it! Once again, to bring this point home in a crystal clear way - - this is not something that I get my mind to focus on or wish for or do whatever else that many do. It is something that has come from the inside out at the core level of my being. It is not something I'm doing or creating - it is just happening and it is just coming from the true part of who I am. It's almost boggling to my mind to think about, let alone experience.
I'm sure there will be some more bumps along the way and I may stub my toe on the rocks in the path but for now, this is one heck of an experience. To think a week ago, I was at the end of my rope and to see where I am now is making me want to jump up and down for joy! Sometimes we truly need to get to the end of our rope in order to find out there's a ledge to stand on below us. That takes a lot of courage and faith to let go of the rope but if we don't we'd just tire our self out all the while missing the ledge to stand on below.
And the best part about this, is all of this is real! It isn't someone's idea of what it should be or some result of some method that gives you warm fuzzies. It is a part of the core of my being. It is now a part that shows the real person I am. It comes from deep within and now it is part of me. I am reclaiming my life and for the first time, I'm truly getting a glimpse of what that life is about. It's beautiful and its a joy filled moment that is deeply rooted within me. That's the part that makes it so special because when our experiences and our healing are deeply rooted within the body, they are as real as you can get!
*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog
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