Are You Ready To Let Go?

The other day, I went in a for a session with Dr. Canali and I proudly displayed what was left of the rash I've been dealing with. (See blog post about the rash from Jan 5, 2010 - Body Memories, Abuse Memories and Trauma Recovery ) He looked at me and said, "Are you ready to let go of that today?" At first, the question struck me as odd and my immediate response was of course "yes, I am!"

However, as I sat there and thought about this like I do with everything, I wondered in my mind - was I really ready to let go of it. It was hard being honest with myself because deep down, I wasn't sure if I was. Here I had responded to Dr. Canali that I was ready to let go but part of me said - you really don't believe that do you?

Once I got on the table, I looked at Dr. Canali and stated that you know I thought I was ready to let go of it but to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I am. As I explained, this rash seems like a part of me just as any other body part. To let go or get rid of the rash means I'm giving up something about myself and if I do that, I'm not sure what will replace it.

You see the fear of what is beneath it (even if it has the potential of being something good) is unknown. It isn't a hopeful oh my gawd there's possiblity there. It is more of losing a major part of yourself that you've known all your life. It is like losing your identity that you come to know all your life even if the identity is twisted and not completely accurate.

See how difficult that could be to give this up? We all have these parts of ourselves. Even if they are parts we don't like about ourselves, they might have been there to help us survive situations or get us through life. Without them, we may fear that we cannot survive or continue in life even though that may not be the case. Survival in our early years has a tremendous impact on how we view our lives from that point forward.

This is part of the ego. It is a part of the ego that desires control and feeds off our own energy. To allow this part of the ego to continue its neurotic feeding frenzy on us, aids in the denial of our true self. I'm not going to write that it is easy to let go because I know from first hand experience just how difficult this is, how much control the ego and these things have over us and just how it can affect us physically.

As I went into the session, I came up against this part of me that did not want to let go. Was I successful that day in letting go? I'm not sure. I don't feel like I was or I completely was at this point. In fact, it felt like a war was waging within me that day from where Dr. Canali and his assistant, Quayny, were trying to assist me in moving forward from the part that wasn't about to let go. In fact, he did some acupuncture on me that day and the needle he had in my heart center (think that was what he called it) had to stay in for some time. He told me that my body was holding on to it for dear life.

The next day, I felt terrible in my body and I felt the anger full force. Fortunately I was able to work on myself on the table and release some of this through my body. I feel much better now than I did the next day after the session. A lot has moved through and out of me which is good.

You know, I so badly want to flee from the effects of all that I've been through and I wish I could wave a magic wand to do it. I know there is no such thing that exists because the way through this is for me to go within myself, into and through the fear and allow things to be let go. That's a process and one that isn't necessarily easy. I'm just glad I could be honest that day with Dr. Canali about really being afraid to let go of these things because I learned so much about myself that day.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Body Memories, Abuse Memories & Trauma Recovery

I know I've been quite vague about what is going on and I'm not sure I'm at the point of writing too much yet. But I'll try to write a little so at least I'm not leaving everyone in the dark.

For the past few months, I have been going through intense itching on my body which of course led to a rash. It included a lot of body memory pains, night terrors, night sweats, and eye sight that was failing me. I have struggled to sleep in the past two months because either I could not shut my eyes for the terror that would hit me or if I got to sleep, I was waking up around 2am or 4 am. Many nights I sat up reading a book until daylight came where I could finally go back to sleep a little. However, the quality of sleep was lacking and so I was walking around as I was half asleep. It got to the point that I was crying at anything, everything and nothing all through the day. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn't shake and it was unlike anything I had ever dealt with before. I was struggling to get myself to eat as I had no appetite. Anxiety was through the roof and my anger levels were in the "rage" category. My mind would not stop racing no matter what I tried to do. I saw deformities in very personal areas of my body and I saw things change on my skin from moment to moment. At one point, I wondered if I had truly gone crazy. Believe me, I tried many things that I know work for me to get through this and nothing seemed to do anything.

Before Christmas, things got real rough and I was able to talk to Dr. Canali at several times which really helped. Right after Christmas, we made a trip to Miami and I had several sessions of work done on me. By the afternoon of the first day down there, I could already see an improvement. A lot came out and at least I went from feeling despair and hopelessness to possibility and hope that I could get through this. It was during one of these days, that I finally slept through a night without waking up. Of course that was short lived but it was a welcomed relief.

Right now, i'm doing better. Many of the physical symptoms have greatly reduced or are going away. Each day, I see an improvement. I'm still waking up at 2am or 4am almost every night. Usually when that happens, I go to my treatment table and do some work on myself which helps me move past it and allows me to fall back to sleep. Last night though, I slept through until 5am and then i struggled to get back to sleep until daylight hit this morning.

Today instead of just itchiness waking me up, it was a burning pain through out every inch of my body that just about drove me insane. My anxiety and anger levels were way up today and I was feeling like I was going back into that deep dark hole that I don't want to be in. So I once again, went to my treatment table and started working on myself with the tools I have to do this. It isn't easy doing it on yourself but we're too far from Miami to just get in the car and drive down at any time. After the work on the table my resting pulse rate dropped from the high 90's into the low 70's using my Finger Pulse Oximeter Octive Tech 300 Pro Pulse Meter to check this

Out of the work I did on myself today, a story emerged that is connecting the dots. I'm not ready to share that at all right now but up until now, all I had been getting was "implicit memory". Implicit memory is basically everything but the story or events - (example: kind of like feeling a car crash without knowing that you were in a car crash). I'm exhausted and wiped out at the moment but maybe now with the story that is emerging to connect the dots, I can finally begin moving beyond this. The itching and pain have already subsided from what they were earlier today. They may kick back up as I process things but I welcome any moments of relief.

I know that through all of this and healing from it, there is so much more waiting for me. I can already see and feel what those things are but right now, the pains are still pretty raw. I didn't ask to remember any of this but it sort of took me head on and I really have had no choice but to work through it (unless I wanted to remain in the physical situation I've been in). At the moment, even though I'm very tired, I can feel a big weight being lifted off of my body. And I do know, that there is a reason for all of this - that's what keeps me going.