Hope & Possibility Through Trauma Book Quote

From page 13, (Introduction and My Story), is a quote from the book I wrote, Hope And Possibility Through Trauma. This quote sums up so much of what I now see in life and for those who are experiencing some of the most difficult times, hopefully this shows you that there is hope and possibility.

"In the past few years, I have made tremendous progress in reclaiming all that I am. It began with going to massage school and continued through the trauma recovery work that Dr. Canali does. Slowly but surely, I began to reclaim those parts of my body that had been so traumatized. As I have done this, I am finding a sense of freedom, full of hope and possibility, unlike anything I have ever known. At one time, I was not sure if I could heal from these wounds and scars on my life, but now, I see there is a way through."

- Don Shetterly, Pg 13 - Hope And Possibility Through Trauma

Anger In Our World

I'm amazed at just how angry our world is and the level of anger in so many humans. It does not take one very long to see the evidence of that. Turn on the TV to any news cast or news oriented program and watch it objectively. Most likely, it won't take you long to see just how angry some of these people are.

Many of these people are mirroring what is going on in our world and so their anger comes through as "passion and emotion" but in all reality, it is anger in its purest form. If some of these words were just printed in the newspaper, they would not translate as strongly as when you see them on TV. TV gives a power and a force to the words through the vocal inflections and images see through the eyes of those that watch. It is a powerful medium that can be positive or negative.

Beyond TV and the media, you can see the level of anger by the discourse of politics in today's world. Civility and respect that once dominated our political landscape is now something of the good old days. At one time, this country had honest and open debate between people of differing view points. However, today that is all but a dream. It often comes down to one side trying to shout louder than the other side or trying to one-up the people that have opposing viewpoints.

Even in our every day world, there is a discourse where people really don't stop and listen to each other. It happens every day in the job, in families, amongst friends and just about anywhere you go. Everyone is too busy trying to get their point across that they fail to stop and listen to the other person. They fail in seeing the bigger picture and what truly matters in a day and what does not.

In all of these examples though, the way individuals feel about their lot in life has a lot to do with the anger they push out towards others. While many may not feel they spread their anger around or that they are even angry, you can see it in their words, their thought processes and what they fill their days with.

I remember many years ago sitting in a church of all places and the minister would talk about what we put in, is what we get out. If we take in garbage, we're going to spew out garbage. If we take in love and positive affirmations, than we are more than likely going to put out peace, love and hope to others. It is all dependent upon what we fill our lives through our days and minutes. We are what we listen to.

More importantly, we as a society need to stop and consider why the level of anger is so high and why it continues to elevate year after year. I would differ with most that it is not a result of what the government, or your job or someone you know does to you. It more than likely has to do with events that have taken place in your life or with stress that is building up to the point where you really need to deal with all of it.

Of course, many people do go through life oblivious to how the anger within them is affect others. I've seen people scream at the top of their lungs at another person and not even realize just how angry they are. I have seen people report news and been anything but objective because of the anger they harbor within themselves. I've seen people lash out in ways that an outside viewer would deem inappropriate only to not even realize how much anger they hold.

Anger makes us blind. Anger robs us of precious energy that we can use to effect great change in the world and in our own lives. Anger can cause serious harm and hurt to those who are innocent. Anger can destroy lives, nations and cultures if it is left to fester below the surface.

I'm not going to sit here and say that anger is a bad emotion. I know some people that claim that. However, anger is an emotion of fire which is sometimes needed to bring about change in our own lives. Properly given a way to come out, anger can be life transforming and enlightening. On the other hand, toxic anger can harm the very people we love, appreciate and want to be close to.

In my own life, I had to deal hard with anger. It permeated every aspect of my body, soul and mind. It connected with me when I watched the news and listened to the news pundits. It connected to me when I tried to nurture a relationship. It connected to me when I tried to live my daily life and focus on my career. Anger for a long time, had such great control over my life.

Until I began to learn that I could let the anger out in a safe way, my life was pretty miserable. Those around me wanted nothing to do with me and I could drive people away quickly. At one time, I thought there was no hope and then I had the help of a safe individual who walked this treacherous pathway with me. I soon learned that there were safe ways to let the anger out where I didn't endanger myself or harm those that were around me and cared for me.

All emotions are proper and healthy for our lives if they are in balance. Because of life's experiences we sometimes tend to act as if some emotions are unwanted. However, to fully embrace life and understand all that it has for us to experience, we must connect with every emotion we have. We must feel them and nurture them and let them be our motivating force towards understanding and greater awareness.

For when we hide from our emotions and we hide from truly knowing our emotions, we have taken so much away from who we are as people. To give ourselves life and freedom, requires us to fully embrace all parts of our self, including the parts we would rather not see.

Further Reading:
Trauma Recovery: Stages Of Anger


Blog Post & Images (c) 12/23/10 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Support For Partners of Survivors

Question From The Mailbox: What is it from a survivors viewpoint that your partner can do to help you in your journey? What do you need from them?

Answer: Just be there supporting me with love, not judgment. Allowing me to travel into the depths of this stuff without feeling like they need to rescue me. I'm sure it is different for everyone on this but I will travel deep into the dark parts and it may look like I'm losing it, but I always come back. Without those dark moments, I could not get through what I need to. The more I hold back and try not to go there, the harder it gets the next time. I know it isn't easy for my partner to see this but he's great about allowing me the space to go where I need to go. My partner, since he's a survivor also realizes that we trigger each other and that my triggers don't mean I love him any less - they just are things I have to work on. So to me, understanding, patience, pure love, and just holding the space are the things that really help me grow through this.

(c) 11/27/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Daily Affirmations For Male Survivors

By direct permission from Dr. Howard Fradkin, I am sharing these 10 daily affirmations for male survivors.

Howard Fradkin, Ph.D. is the Psychologist that appears on the Oprah Show for an historic, ground breaking, two part series of 200 Men who were molested that come forward.

In addition, Dr. Fradkin is the Co-Chairperson of Male Survivor Weekends of Recovery and a part of Affirmations Therapy.

Dr. Fradkin has worked with over 1000 male survivors of sexual abuse and says one of the first steps on the journey toward healing is to practice daily affirmations. He suggests saying the following affirmations out loud to yourself or to someone you trust.

1) Recovery is absolutely possible and achievable for me.

2) I will practice being disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality.

3) I give myself permission to connect to loving, affirmative, strong, sensitive, accepting men and women in my community.

4) I release and forgive myself for any responsibility I have accepted in the past for my abuse.
5) The abuser(s) from the past chose to hurt me; I will stop repeating that lie that it just happened to me.

6) Offering myself daily compassion is necessary for my healing and growth.

7) I commit to connecting to the boy inside me today so we can play, laugh and experience joy together, even if just for a minute or two.

8) I believe deep inside me I possess the ability to face the truth of my abuse and to learn to use new tools for healing.

9) I have the right and ability to speak the truth of my abuse and deserve to be heard, understood, believed and supported.

10) Feeling is healing; as I heal, I develop the ability to experience a wider range of emotions to enhance my health and connections to others.

Further Reading:
1) How Could Anyone

2) Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 Male Survivors Stand Together

3) Dr. Howard Fradkin, Affirmations Therapy

4) Male Survivor

Trauma Recovery: Stages Of Anger

For me, I had to go through the stage of anger and that anger was intense. It got directed at many people and some were completely innocent, not even connected to my abuse. I did some very dangerous things at one point in my healing and could have really hurt many other innocent people. Fortunately, those times are long past but I am sad for this stage of my healing.

I believe we all have different ways that we go through healing and not one method is right for all. The anger is an important segment of it and as rough as it may get, it needs to come out.

For years, I just kept it all in because I had been raised that "anger" was wrong and inappropriate at least coming from me. Other family members could get angry but I could not. It took me a long time to allow myself to get in touch with that anger. Yes, I would bottle it up inside and cause my own self physical problems (such as a nervous stomach and ulcer, migraine headaches, vomiting, anxiety) but the only way it came out was when it exploded out of me. I had to learn that there are much safer and more appropriate ways to let it out. Actually feeling anger and connecting to it is part of being human. Holding it in is not very healthy.

As far as God goes - I was raised in a home where so much of my abuse happened at the hands of those that said God told them to do this to me. Points can be made that this isn't a true Christian, etc but the fact remains, that what I endured was so mixed up in religion that my brain has a difficult time separating the two out. I have come light years through this but God has heard his fair share of me screaming at him and calling him every name in the book. Again, it was part of my healing that I had to go through. I see God differently now though but I do understand those that blame God. I can really understand that and feel that pain.

All of the emotions and feelings that we go through in recovery are vital to our own growth. Hopefully we don't stay in those moments forever but without allowing ourselves to experience all of these painful healing moments, it is hard to fully release all of it. That takes different paths and shapes for each one of us.

And all I know for a fact is, I'm not as angry of a person as I once was. I don't hold all the anger in like I once did. I've learned many ways to let it all go and release the anger from my body as it comes up.

See Also:

1) Trauma: Release Anger In The Pool

2) Ways To Release Anger




(Above Picture from my book, A Journey Through Words. Poem entitled "Show Me Your Face" - (c) 05/06/99)



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Trauma Recovery: Intense Healing Moments

Life, healing and trauma recovery can really get intense. It does not take much to make ordinary moments into stress filled days. The little things connect with moments from the past that often appear as fireworks shooting into the sky.

It could be a simple word spoken or a photograph from days gone by. It may even be a sight, a smell or a sound. Our brains are so intricate and complex with nerve pathways connecting the amygdala to the conscious moments of the past.

I am amazed at just how intense healing moments can sneak up and attack. For me, this is the same story I have written about and discussed, yet the power behind it is strong beyond belief. The emotional charge it holds, acts as if I am its slave. The memories that lie open for me to view make my eyes want to close with disgust. My body reacts as if it is in battle fighting all enemies known and unknown.

During the intense moments of healing, I feel as if I am all alone. It seems that no one truly understands. It feels as if everyone disappears. I reach out but I feel no hand to grasp. Are they there, I wonder? Am I on my own just like I have been throughout my life?

It is a confusing time of anguish as I sift the nuggets of gold from the rocks. I'm really not sure from one day to the next, how to make it through the moment. Rest, peace, and comfort seem illusive to me. They evade me with gusto.

The only thing I know to do is to continue putting one foot in front of the other. Even though the head winds are strong, I must not stop. I must not quit. I have come so far. For in these difficult moments, may I never forget that I have walked through similar times.

Let me be as a bird on the power line, observing all that is going on. Help me to realize that these intense moments are pushing me through the fire into greater awareness. Help me understand that these intense moments may challenge me to the limits physically, emotionally, and mentally. Let me not forget that I know I am much greater than the sum of these attacks.

Keep me hopeful that these moments will soon pass. May I remember that the calm water amongst the clear blue skies will emerge with beauty, hope and a renewed strength for my life.

(Above Picture taken - (c) 08/19/10)

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Trauma Recovery: Self Sabotage

As a Trauma Survivor - Things I Struggle With:

1) Hips and legs still don't move freely
2) It's hard for me to realize people like and love me
3) Too often I see my life as a struggle
4) I focus more on what I don't have, than on what I do have
5) I convince myself that I am not good enough
6) I'm afraid I will fail at anything I do
7) Often I feel I don't fit in with the world
8) It is difficult to see that things will get better
9) Do I have the determination and courage I need

It is amazing when I begin to think about the good things coming my way in life, how I sabotage everything. These are deep rooted and long held concepts that have cemented themselves into my mind. While I wish that I would not believe these things, I know deep down that I do worship these thoughts.

When it states in the Ten Commandments of the Bible, "Thou shall not have any other Gods before me," maybe what is truly meant is different than we've been taught. Yes, I know the church teaches that this is all about worshiping idols. What if it had a focus on my inner being or inner spirit, which this is the God that I must worship? It is the God within me. Allowing the fears to rule my life would mean that I am allowing other Gods before me. My awareness is the God within me. Perhaps the passage from the Ten Commandments refers to honoring and respecting the spirit and awareness within my body or the power I have within myself.

It is too easy for me to wander through life discounting so much about myself. Other people I know are able to see things within me, that I exclaim to myself, "I'm not good enough!" Where I see a lack of self confidence, others see in me, strength and determination. Even though I see my life as a struggle, the universe and the angels see my life as unfolding in the manner it is meant to happen. When I focus on not being good enough to accomplish a task, others already know I have the ability to get it done!

Even as I write these words and struggle to let these things go in my life, I hear the voices in the back of my head saying, "who are you kidding?" "Do you really think you can change?" I try to tune the voices out but they continue to talk with gusto and strength.

Then I realize that the voices or the old tapes I hear are nothing but fears. They are the fears that haunt me day and night. They are the fears that paralyze me while holding me back from action. I recognize each one of them. There is not a one of them that is unfamiliar.

I have no idea how to let go and release these long held fears of my life. I desire freedom from the things I struggle with in my life. I no longer wish them to be my king, yet I give them the power. It would be a joyous moment in my life if I could see myself as the angels and others see me.

The only thing I know to do in order to move past this, is acknowledge that all of these struggles and fears I have in my life are a part of who I am. Each one has made me who I am. Each fear and struggle has brought me to this one moment in time. It is now my choice to continue holding them fast in my arms or releasing them to the angels to be transformed and transmuted.

The question I leave for myself is "what will be my choice?" Will I allow myself to tap into my courage and strength to let these things go? Will I allow myself to part company with something that feels like a major part of who I am?

Of course I am the only one that can answer these questions for my life. I am the only one that can choose to let go of these parts of my life. Ultimately, I am the only one that can allow all of this to unfold in the space and time that it does, being patient and understanding with myself. It is up to me to fully love and accept myself just as I am in this current moment. The rest will work itself out when I'm ready to travel down the rabbit hole of life.

Note: After reading Chapter 2 (Gifts) in the book "Walking Through Illusion" by Betsy Otter Thompson, I was inspired in my own thoughts, which led to many of the things that I wrote today in my morning meditation. On page 23, the quote she wrote had a strong impact upon me. "Disappointment comes from thinking that life should be different. Enjoyment comes from thinking that life is wonderful the way it is."



(Above Picture taken at home in my backyard, FL - (c) 09/14/10)

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Trama and the Limbic System

The limbic system is the part of our nervous system that is responsible for our survival as well as emotions like fear and anger. It is also involved in feelings of pleasure such as eating and sex. It is a complex set of structures that lies on both sides of the thalamus just below the cerebrum and includes the hypothalamus, hippocampus, amygdala and thalamus.

The amygdala and hippocampus are part of the limbic system and play a major role in our memory. The amygdala determines what memories are stored and where they are stored while the hippocampus is responsible for sending out memories to the appropriate areas of our brain for long term storage. The hippocampus retrieves the appropriate memories when it is necessary. The amygdala is involved in our emotional response.

The limbic system has an important role as it helps in the self preservation and survival of the species. it is responsible for the fight or flight response. If parts of the limbic system are impacted negatively, it can strongly influence or disrupt normal social behavior.

According to the article, "The Biological Response To Psychic Trauma", because the limbic system is the main area of the Central Nervous System where memories are processed, this is the most likely place to find an explanation of memory issues as a result of trauma. The hippocampus does not fully mature until at least the third or fourth year of life but the amygdala matures much earlier in life. In the first few years of life, the quality of events but not necessarily the context with which they happened can be remembered. Severe traumatic events of prolonged stress can disrupt the normal processes of the hippocampus which then disrupt the memory process by creating fearful associations without context, yet the feelings are still associated with the memories.

The main thing to keep in mind is that there are memories stored throughout our body and that connect to our mind. These are stored as emotions and sensations. Our fears get locked in with these memory sensations and so in order to understand our emotions and to understand the fear we hold, we must go in to the body. Only trying to access these memories through cognitive or mental exercises, is like only filling up a water glass a third of the way to quench your thirst after being outside all day. While you may add water to your body this way, you're going to still suffer from thirst. So it is with cognitive functions. If you only address part of the underlying events that reside in the body, than you're missing the greatest part of it.

Many claim that they have the right way to heal and they try to prove this. However, just having emotions come up or feeling nice or relaxed or seeing certain conditions change does not necessarily mean you are at the root of what is going on. If there is not a grounded body connection to the method of healing where you go in and embrace the fear, you are missing the point as a healer. There has to be a connection to the body, through the mind to arrive at the place of release, surrender and healing. Without all these elements, true healing is not taking place.

For More Information:
Reference: http://www.cirp.org/library/psych/vanderkolk2/
Anxiety Research (U.K.), Volume 4: Pages 199-212
The Biological Response to Psychic Trauma: Mechanisms and Treatment Of Intrusion and Numbing

When Will I Be Healed

Sometimes I am asked a question by people, "how long will it take for me to be healed or when will I be healed or how long will recovery take?".

We have all probably asked that question in one form or another and for each person in each situation, it is different. No two people are alike and no two situations are alike.

So I sat down and wrote a response to a person who asked this and after I did this, I realized that it is something I needed to share here.

For me, my recovery began when I was paralyzed in 1991. And it had moments where I was speeding through it and other moments where I said, leave me the F alone! Than, I went into a very deep depression after one of my memories finally came into clear view and I knew it was time to go back and start working on things. I made a lot of progress during this time.

Of course, I took some more time off as the healing work was just too intense. However, after my mom died and life seemed so upside down to me, I began to work on things and actually went to massage school where the issue of "physical touch" became my next excruciating layer of healing. Fortunately, I found Dr. Paul Canali who has helped me release so much trauma from my body in a way that didn't overwhelm me (for the most part).

And actually for the first time in my life, I feel like Dr. Canali and I have made it to a point in my healing where I'm in control of my life instead of the abuse being in control of me. A little over a month ago in a session, a freight train load of anger came out in me and I felt horrible at the time, but after that, I noticed a change in myself that I had never known. I'm able to deal with life, stress and regular moments in a different way than I've ever been able to do before. I turned a big corner and things are so different now. In fact, I'm beginning to do things for my self and my career that will take me forward. Up until now, they were only fleeting thoughts.

When I look back, the times that I stopped to rest from all the healing work, these times were just as important as the times I jumped head into it. It was all part of the process. I'm sure I'm not done by any means but the charge of what happened is less and less each day. And I'm at a point where I want to keep peeling the layers of my life back so I can really and truly discover who I am. Personally, I'm just not content with where I'm at.

The biggest thing I learned was even though it gets tough, don't stop - keep going! There's some country song that says "If you're going through hell - Keep on going, don't slow down. To that, I would say "EXACTLY"!

And make sure you give yourself a little time to rest along the way.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Are You Ready To Let Go?

The other day, I went in a for a session with Dr. Canali and I proudly displayed what was left of the rash I've been dealing with. (See blog post about the rash from Jan 5, 2010 - Body Memories, Abuse Memories and Trauma Recovery ) He looked at me and said, "Are you ready to let go of that today?" At first, the question struck me as odd and my immediate response was of course "yes, I am!"

However, as I sat there and thought about this like I do with everything, I wondered in my mind - was I really ready to let go of it. It was hard being honest with myself because deep down, I wasn't sure if I was. Here I had responded to Dr. Canali that I was ready to let go but part of me said - you really don't believe that do you?

Once I got on the table, I looked at Dr. Canali and stated that you know I thought I was ready to let go of it but to be completely honest, I'm not sure if I am. As I explained, this rash seems like a part of me just as any other body part. To let go or get rid of the rash means I'm giving up something about myself and if I do that, I'm not sure what will replace it.

You see the fear of what is beneath it (even if it has the potential of being something good) is unknown. It isn't a hopeful oh my gawd there's possiblity there. It is more of losing a major part of yourself that you've known all your life. It is like losing your identity that you come to know all your life even if the identity is twisted and not completely accurate.

See how difficult that could be to give this up? We all have these parts of ourselves. Even if they are parts we don't like about ourselves, they might have been there to help us survive situations or get us through life. Without them, we may fear that we cannot survive or continue in life even though that may not be the case. Survival in our early years has a tremendous impact on how we view our lives from that point forward.

This is part of the ego. It is a part of the ego that desires control and feeds off our own energy. To allow this part of the ego to continue its neurotic feeding frenzy on us, aids in the denial of our true self. I'm not going to write that it is easy to let go because I know from first hand experience just how difficult this is, how much control the ego and these things have over us and just how it can affect us physically.

As I went into the session, I came up against this part of me that did not want to let go. Was I successful that day in letting go? I'm not sure. I don't feel like I was or I completely was at this point. In fact, it felt like a war was waging within me that day from where Dr. Canali and his assistant, Quayny, were trying to assist me in moving forward from the part that wasn't about to let go. In fact, he did some acupuncture on me that day and the needle he had in my heart center (think that was what he called it) had to stay in for some time. He told me that my body was holding on to it for dear life.

The next day, I felt terrible in my body and I felt the anger full force. Fortunately I was able to work on myself on the table and release some of this through my body. I feel much better now than I did the next day after the session. A lot has moved through and out of me which is good.

You know, I so badly want to flee from the effects of all that I've been through and I wish I could wave a magic wand to do it. I know there is no such thing that exists because the way through this is for me to go within myself, into and through the fear and allow things to be let go. That's a process and one that isn't necessarily easy. I'm just glad I could be honest that day with Dr. Canali about really being afraid to let go of these things because I learned so much about myself that day.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Body Memories, Abuse Memories & Trauma Recovery

I know I've been quite vague about what is going on and I'm not sure I'm at the point of writing too much yet. But I'll try to write a little so at least I'm not leaving everyone in the dark.

For the past few months, I have been going through intense itching on my body which of course led to a rash. It included a lot of body memory pains, night terrors, night sweats, and eye sight that was failing me. I have struggled to sleep in the past two months because either I could not shut my eyes for the terror that would hit me or if I got to sleep, I was waking up around 2am or 4 am. Many nights I sat up reading a book until daylight came where I could finally go back to sleep a little. However, the quality of sleep was lacking and so I was walking around as I was half asleep. It got to the point that I was crying at anything, everything and nothing all through the day. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn't shake and it was unlike anything I had ever dealt with before. I was struggling to get myself to eat as I had no appetite. Anxiety was through the roof and my anger levels were in the "rage" category. My mind would not stop racing no matter what I tried to do. I saw deformities in very personal areas of my body and I saw things change on my skin from moment to moment. At one point, I wondered if I had truly gone crazy. Believe me, I tried many things that I know work for me to get through this and nothing seemed to do anything.

Before Christmas, things got real rough and I was able to talk to Dr. Canali at several times which really helped. Right after Christmas, we made a trip to Miami and I had several sessions of work done on me. By the afternoon of the first day down there, I could already see an improvement. A lot came out and at least I went from feeling despair and hopelessness to possibility and hope that I could get through this. It was during one of these days, that I finally slept through a night without waking up. Of course that was short lived but it was a welcomed relief.

Right now, i'm doing better. Many of the physical symptoms have greatly reduced or are going away. Each day, I see an improvement. I'm still waking up at 2am or 4am almost every night. Usually when that happens, I go to my treatment table and do some work on myself which helps me move past it and allows me to fall back to sleep. Last night though, I slept through until 5am and then i struggled to get back to sleep until daylight hit this morning.

Today instead of just itchiness waking me up, it was a burning pain through out every inch of my body that just about drove me insane. My anxiety and anger levels were way up today and I was feeling like I was going back into that deep dark hole that I don't want to be in. So I once again, went to my treatment table and started working on myself with the tools I have to do this. It isn't easy doing it on yourself but we're too far from Miami to just get in the car and drive down at any time. After the work on the table my resting pulse rate dropped from the high 90's into the low 70's using my Finger Pulse Oximeter Octive Tech 300 Pro Pulse Meter to check this

Out of the work I did on myself today, a story emerged that is connecting the dots. I'm not ready to share that at all right now but up until now, all I had been getting was "implicit memory". Implicit memory is basically everything but the story or events - (example: kind of like feeling a car crash without knowing that you were in a car crash). I'm exhausted and wiped out at the moment but maybe now with the story that is emerging to connect the dots, I can finally begin moving beyond this. The itching and pain have already subsided from what they were earlier today. They may kick back up as I process things but I welcome any moments of relief.

I know that through all of this and healing from it, there is so much more waiting for me. I can already see and feel what those things are but right now, the pains are still pretty raw. I didn't ask to remember any of this but it sort of took me head on and I really have had no choice but to work through it (unless I wanted to remain in the physical situation I've been in). At the moment, even though I'm very tired, I can feel a big weight being lifted off of my body. And I do know, that there is a reason for all of this - that's what keeps me going.

The Somatic Component of Healing

Written by Don Shetterly

Until we address the somatic component of our healing, we may feel like we've climbed the mountain but in all reality, we've not gone the complete distance. Trauma occurs not just in the mind but it resides with a relationship to the body. To treat only the mind or the thoughts and leave out the body, means we are missing the biggest piece of the puzzle.

Virtually most of our society views trauma, stress, and pain as something that needs to be fixed instead of something that needs to be allowed to finish its path and be felt. For trauma locks that energy within us and even though it may seem very silent to the point of us not realizing it is there, the locked energy takes up residence until we actively work on releasing it.

It is a process of discovery, awareness and unfolding. It is a path of going into the dark areas of our life to offer light and consciousness. Let us allow ourselves to continue on our path for we should not be looking for the end points, but the moments of realization to steps that lie ahead.

Going Through The Clutter

Recently, I've been going through some of my old papers and documents. It was time to clean out that part of my life and organize it. Ever since we moved a couple of years ago, the boxes have been sitting there, waiting for me to do something with them. It was one of those jobs that you just keep putting off because after all, what's glamorous about spending countless hours sifting through old documents.

As I was going through each box, I began to notice something. There were so many pieces of my life here that offered some ray of knowledge about that particular moment in my life. While I'm sure that I knew all of these things were in the box, I had forgotten about many of them. They were like little hidden treasures just waiting to be found.

Of course as time does pass by, we tend to view events differently, especially if we have grown in leaps and bounds in our life. Some of the items in the boxes would have really invoked some deep pain from a life that once was and a life that I had no desire to hold on to any longer. Things are different now in my life and at one point, I never thought I would be able to think this way.

It isn't that all the painful memories are gone, or that I've forgotten all these events. It is that now in the context of healing, forgiveness and growth, these past events just don't have the charge they once did. They are no longer my King. The people involved in these events are no longer in dominion over me. Of course from time to time, my mind allows these things to come in acting as a thief in the night. The only thing is, these events can no longer over take me like they once did as I've burrowed deep into the pain and reclaimed the power that was once robbed from me.

It is a freeing moment for not only my mind but my body as well. For all of us harbor these events within our bodies. If they are not released, than these events consume us and take our humanness away. They attach to us deep in our core and take residence up in the cells and tissues of our bodies. They become our power force and hold dominion over us.

I'm not talking about thinking these away either or making your mind act as if they aren't there and allowing them to masquerade as something which they are not. It isn't about thinking positive thoughts or following some new age form of wisdom. It is not about wearing the badge of therapy to claim you are healed. While all of these things can be good and helpful, it is more than this.

For now, I have learned that I can release and let go of the innermost pains from deep in my soul through my body. The mind body connection offers so much healing and reclaims our inner essence. It has taken many years to cry the screams of tears but the essence of who I am is beginning to join in harmony with all parts of myself. It is now tears of joy that flow from my soul and my heart. It is now hope and a desire to know more about myself and to grow into all that I can be.

There are parts of our self that we hold tightly to and they serve our purpose for awhile but at some point, we become confronted with that inevitable question - will you remain as you are or will you grow and evolve into all that you are meant to be. It is at that point, where we begin to find ourselves. It is at that point where the clutter of our life becomes hidden treasures that help us move forward on our journey. It is at that point that we truly become human.

The Emotion Of Triggers

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Emotional triggers, for many people, are part of everyday life it seems. These triggers seem to always hang around and make their presence known whenever they feel like it. Sometimes emotional triggers appear not only when we least expect them, but at some of the worst moments. I know this too well because it seems like I own a goldmine of emotional triggers. While I don’t actively try to harvest these things, they just seem to find their way to the surface.

Emotion tends to guide many things we do, even if we are not fully aware that it does. Most of these emotions are not necessarily conscious, but they show up in a conscious manner. Often the person displaying these emotions is not necessarily aware of it or how they are truly coming across to the observer on the outside.

So what is a trigger? That might be a good question to answer because they are many, and I would say each person has something that triggers them. A trigger is some event in your present moment that connects you in a very deep, automatic and quick way to something that you have experienced in your past. It could be a sight, smell, sound, touch, taste or it could be a word, phrase, piece of music, color or just about anything that you observe and interact with in a day. Watching a TV program may invoke connections to memory places in your brain, as can hearing some song or even feeling the touch of someone around you. What you pick up does not necessarily have to be something horrible, and it may not necessarily be something that is directly related to the past event.

When something in your present moment invokes an automatic reaction deep within you, it is connecting in the brain and in the body with some moment of emotional charge from your past. It is an extremely quick, unconscious connection that can play out within a matter of seconds. What sets it off has no limits, no boundaries and often no warning. If you are able to identify what sets the triggers off, then you will be ahead of the curve, but often they are silent lurkers waiting to pounce as a lion would wait to pounce upon its prey.

This connection to the past is an emotional trigger. There was some past experience that had such an emotional charge to it, that the current moment is connecting that brain synapse. Often the triggers hit us in such a way that it knocks us for a loop in life but sometimes the triggers could be connected to something very beautiful in our life. For instance, if you smell a Christmas tree and it triggers your mind back to some fun early childhood memory of Christmas, it would be a very beautiful thing in this instance.

However if you take the same scenario and have another person influenced by the smell of a Christmas tree, it could take them back to a moment of horror, pain and sadness because of some event they experienced. So while we often see triggers in a negative manner, they can be positive as well, bringing out our life’s experiences and memories that we treasure and cherish. A person is able to have both positive and negative triggers.

Take, for example, emotional blasts to the past that I cherish. I have some very beautiful hymns and choruses from church that I just love to play on the piano. It takes me back to the days where I was learning how to play the piano and would spend hours creating the beautiful music. At the same time, there were many agonizing moments taking place in our house, and it was usually filled with a lot of stress, anger, yelling and strong displays of emotion. So often those songs, while they were played with beauty, were also a part of something I was trying to escape from. Now I find that in an instant, I am taken back to both sides of those experiences from my childhood. They are one and the same. The trigger could be positive and it is in many ways, but it is also negative and invokes a sense of sadness, horror and pain which still resides in my body to this day.

Another trigger I have struggled with is one that took many years for me to begin to understand. As I was sitting at a traffic light, there was this car that pulled up beside me with a stereo blasting, and the bass sound was pounding the pavement extremely hard. No matter what I did, I could not get myself to let go of the bass sound coming from that car. I began to notice that I was becoming extremely angry. Fortunately I had my windows up and AC running, because I was screaming every obscenity at the person that I could get out of my mouth. I hated them at that moment and wanted them to die. If I would have had a gun, there’s a chance that I would have used it and that is one reason I will not own a gun. I started honking my horn and waiting for the light to change in what seemed like an eternity in slow speed. I’m sure people were wondering what my problem was, and I had only a couple of things on my mind. Either I wanted to flee the sound and the situation as quickly as I could, or I wanted to do anything to get this to stop. My heart was racing, my head was pounding, my muscles in my arms and legs had grown tense and all the time, the AC was not working fast enough to even being cooling me down. Finally the light turned green and I was able to escape from the loud bass sound coming from this car, but I was left wondering why I got so angry and almost out of control for something like this. After all, it didn’t seem to bother others around me.

As time went, I began to be impacted less and less by the bass sound around me but it still made life pretty difficult. Then one day long after this, my cat began just meowing very loudly each day shortly after we moved to a new home. It was like she wanted attention but expected me to come to where she was, and she wouldn’t be quiet until I did so. The sound was excruciating and no matter what, I could not get my cat to stop making the loud meow. Finally one day I broke down in tears as I connected the trigger of the bass sound to my cat making the loud meow.

You see, when I was a child, I always loved having cats. We moved a lot so it was difficult but somehow I always managed to get a cat. My parents seemed to love animals but for some reason the cats were always afraid of my father and I never knew why. One night as a child doing dishes, I was standing on a kitchen chair because I wasn’t big enough to quite reach the sink, and had myself propped up while washing the dishes. I had to be very careful to get each and every dish very clean because if I did not, I would be in big trouble. So it was with fear and trepidation that I would wash the dishes to help my mom. On this night, there were very loud sounds coming from outside. I knew my father and mother had gone outside to the basement cellar for something, but wasn’t sure exactly what it was. We had one of those basement cellars that had the door right outside the kitchen window and back porch, which opened up out of the ground. That’s where my kittens stayed during the night, and since there were ways into the basement that the kittens knew about, it was a great place for them. There was the little gray charcoal colored kitten, Charcoal; the black kitten I named Blacky; and the grey colored one that I called Smokey, that I would sing the song “On Top of Old Smokey” to. They meant so much to me and were my companions in a world filled with turmoil.

On that night though, I heard a very loud noise of screams coming from many different things. It was horrible and I remember being horrified at what was going on outside, knowing that it was something to do with my cats. Of course I had been warned not to venture outside no matter what, and I knew that at the risk of losing my own life, I would not do this. But I listened to the screams of my kittens begging for life and begging to just let them go, as I heard the old heavy wooden cellar door slam and then slam again and again. After the final slam of the door, there was silence. No kittens could be heard. Not a single kitten left to make a sound. After what seemed like an eternity to me, my parents came back in through the back porch of the house, and you could tell my mom had been in tears and was struggling to look me in the eye. I knew she didn’t want to do what she was forced to partake in with my father. I’m sure it was horrible for her as well. My father seemed to have that cold stare in his eyes that I had seen before, and announced to me that the kittens had been playing around the door and got caught as the door was trying to close. My little brain wanted to accept the reasoning he gave me, but deep down it just didn’t add up. My eyes wanted to cry but I was warned to not be a baby about it, and it was just an unavoidable accident that had happened. After all, as I was told, crying about it would do no good and I just needed to act mature. So without tears, I finished washing the dishes that night, staring out into the night sky knowing that I would never see Charcoal, Blacky or Smokey again.

So as I sat there in traffic that day with the bass sound coming from the other car, I didn’t initially realize how the awful noise was connecting me back to a day as a child when I so wanted to stop my father from killing the kittens. Yet I was powerless to do anything or to stop it. Then when my cat began her loud meows, the sounds connected me back to that frightful night. To this day, it is very difficult to even think about this, let alone write about it, and yet it was not the first nor would it be the last time this experience would be all in a day’s activities for me.

You see, these emotional triggers stay with us until we find a way to discharge the emotional energy that is locked up within them. For if energy is trapped in a moment, it will continue searching for ways to exit and complete the direction it was going. Whether this is through something that one does physically to themselves or others, or through some type of health and disease condition or whatever way it is, the trapped energy spends its days looking for a way out. There is some point within the body where it resides, that once tapped into, yields the event as if it were playing out in the present moment. Many of us go through our lives with these things residing within us, but we never find the way to completely release them from our innermost selves. Sure we find ways to rationalize them, and make sense of them, all the time harboring the potential energy that they encase.

You may be able to go for years without ever dealing with many of these things, and in fact it is quite possible for one to go to their grave avoiding them. However at some point, the trapped energy of these moments will play out in some manner. Avoiding them keeps us operating at less than we were meant to be, and keeps us from becoming more human with potential beyond our wildest imaginations.

If you’re fortunate like I was to begin putting the pieces together, that is a good first step in recovering the energy and the trauma that the triggers hold. However, it may take years for all of this to happen, or it could happen quickly. I have many more examples of my own experiences in this as I am sure each person does. But finding the point in the body where these experiences and triggers surface is the key to having the opportunity to let them go. Once this connection to the body is made, the potential is so great. After all, the trapped energy is potential energy, and by taking the power back from it, you gain so much in your life in so many ways: from pure awareness, joy and an easier life, to less health issues and a more wholesome body to live in. No, it isn’t easy going through the triggers and reclaiming this but it isn’t as hard as one may think it is. The rewards are great, especially if you are able to do this with someone that understands how to guide you through this process and has undergone the process of healing in their own life. For truly someone that has already walked the road, can be one of the best people to help other travelers find their way through the maze of emotional triggers we suffer in life.

May you be awakened to a new thought as you have read this, realizing that there is much more than you may currently have in your life. Know that the aches and pains, health conditions, and all those discomforts you feel in your life are there for a reason. They are not to be gotten rid, of but experienced to the point of reclaiming your power over them. For when you reclaim the power of these discomforts and pains in your life, you truly are discovering what it is like to live in your body. Living in your body and enjoying it can be one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. The potential has no boundaries and the rewards are without limits. My hope is that you will not focus upon the pain I endured in the example, but that you will use what you have read as a catalyst for searching in your own life.