The Murky Waters Of Forgiveness

All my life I was taught one thing about this concept, and it messed me up for many years.  Forgiveness is something that is often taught in religious homes of all flavors and in the homes of those that have been abused as children.

Forgiveness is taught as a weapon to get the children under control and to be subservient to someone deemed greater than themselves.  It is taught as a manipulation, that you must do this and let the other person off the hook.

These are the murky waters of forgiveness because they distort the truth and manipulate those that are willing to follow.  I used to live in those murky waters of forgiveness and if anyone dared to challenge me, I dismissed them at will.

I've struggled long and hard with forgiveness because in no way do I want those that hurt me so deeply and badly to have one easy moment in their life.  I don't want them to think that what they did was okay.  I don't want them to have an easy life where they don't fully realize what they did to me.  I'm sorry, but I am human and I was horribly abused.

Was nowhere near ready...

I even had one church go as far as have me come up to the front while all these people prayed and laid hands on me.  It was a forgiveness ritual.  The thing is, I was nowhere near ready to even talk about forgiveness and I ended up resenting it even more.

When my mom passed away, I had friends of the family telling me I should forgive.  They thought that I needed to move on in my life.  However, they did not know the family secrets.  It did not stop them from preaching forgiveness to me.  I walked away and said, "enough is enough".

Oprah and Tyler Perry on forgiveness

When I went to the Oprah 200 Male Survivor episode, I heard Oprah and Tyler Perry talking about forgiveness.  I thought, well how special it was that they can forgive.  I wasn't really buying it at the time because I too thought, why would I ever let the abusers off the hook?

What I have learned though is forgiveness isn't what I was taught.  It isn't about going down on your knees and praying for your abusers to be freed from the prison you live in.  It isn't about them.  It is not about them!

Forgiveness is not a process where you wake up one morning and go everything is over.  That is a fallacy on so many levels that is widely practiced today because of religious teaching.  I'm sorry, I don't believe that is how forgiveness works.

I learn to let go...

Forgiveness is a process where I learn to let go.  It is where I allow myself to start disconnecting from all the horrors and hurt and pain I have been through.   It is about my own healing and discovering who I am.  It is about me learning to deal with the anger I have, the pain that permeates the deepest parts of my soul.  It is about letting go of it all and learning to walk forward without all of this.

Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook.  I fully hold the abusers in my life accountable for what they did.  It is their job to ask forgiveness of themselves and of me.  Until they do that, I will never let them off the hook.  I'm not even sure I could at that point either.

I don't care what my abusers wish from me and need from me.  They destroyed my life, so they no longer get the option of having that control or say in anything I do.  They gave that up when the violated me.

Forgiveness for me is letting go.  It is stepping away from all that hurt; not ignoring it, but working to move on in my life and heal my life.  It is about me becoming all that I can become.  It is about giving myself a chance for the future.

The only person I have any control over is myself, but if I harbor the anger and resentment toward those who did those things, it will have an impact on me physically.  That is not helpful for me.  Forgiveness is what I need to let go of and I do it by healing and becoming all that I am and was meant to be.

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Forgiveness Is A Four Letter Word

The other day I saw a video of a brief part of interview between Piers Morgan and Tyler Perry.  In the interview Tyler Perry was answering questions about some of the abuse he suffered through at the hands of his father.  I remember when I went to the taping of the Oprah 200 Men episode, we heard directly from Tyler about this abuse and it strongly connected with my own experiences. 

On this segment of the video, Tyler was talking about forgiveness just like he did with the 200 male survivors that day at the Oprah studio.  In his view, if you don’t forgive you allow all of this stuff to stay inside of you and it affects you physically.  It prevents you from moving forward and getting beyond all that was done to you.

I could not agree more with Tyler Perry in his view, but at one time forgiveness was a four letter word to me.  I thought forgiveness meant I was letting that S.O.B. off the hook and there was no way I was going to do that.  I wanted the person(s) that abused me to suffer because I was so angry at what they did and the lingering effects upon my life.  In addition to these things, I was brainwashed by churches as to what forgiveness was all about and so it really screwed up my understanding.

Oprah, Male Survivors Airing March 10

I have found out that the episode of 200 Men (Male Survivors) standing together is airing again on March 10, 2011. This originally aired on November 5, 2010. In case you missed it or want to see this again, make sure you watch the Oprah show on this day. Check the schedule out on Oprah.com in case there are any last minute changes.

It is a good thing that this is showing again because for those that missed it, they will be able to see a very powerful show. I was one of the 200 men that stood together that day saying, no more, no way, no how to child abuse. I won't go into all the details here but if you check out the links below, you can see more about my experiences with this and what it meant to me.

One in six boys (1 in 6) are abused as children before they reach the age of 16. Think about that for a moment. Identify 6 boys that you know and then realize that 1 of them may very likely have suffered through child sexual abuse. It happens far more than we realize and far more than we want to admit in this country.

While everyone is often so afraid of that convicted sex offender living down the street or that perp hiding behind the bushes, most perpetrators of this crime are known to the children. Whether it is family members such as a father, mother, brother, cousin, uncle or even a minster, priest, teacher, boy scout leader, the victims more generally than not, know who the perpetrator is.

Please don't think for a moment that this affects some but does not touch every area of our society. We all are touched by this in one way or another. For when a child is abused (whether they are female or male), their life is altered and they are forced to deal with a living hell as they heal from it. We cannot stand by in our society and let this happen. We cannot turn a blind eye to any indication of this taking place around us.

We must protect our children at all cost. For if we do not stand with our children, we stand opposed to them and condone this behavior.

For more information about my experiences and some of the show highlights and resources, please visit the following links. Let your friends know that this show is airing again. Below this post are easy buttons for you to share this post by facebook, twitter, email and other ways. Please make use of these things and do your part to let the world know.


For More Information and Resources:
1) Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 Male Survivors Stand Together
2) My Interview in the Daytona Beach News Journal
3) Interview in the Orlando Sentinel - Hal Boedeker Blog
4) Read About My Experiences On The Oprah Show
5) Oprah.com - 200 Men - Resources
6) Male Survivor Organization
7) Don Shetterly Official Website, Author Music Artist, Massage Therapist




Blog Post & Images (c) 3/4/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Oprah - 200 Men, Part 2

On Friday, Nov 12, 2010, the second of a two part series on Male Survivors will be airing on the Oprah Show. Part 1 of this series aired on Nov 5, 2010. Below are the following posts about my experiences on Oprah.

From Oprah.com - Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 courageous men continue the conversation about male sexual abuse. They're breaking down the wall of shame and opening the doors for healing.

If you know of someone that might benefit from this, make sure you pass this along. It is ground breaking and so important for as many to see as possible. The issue of child sexual abuse of boys is often swept under the rug and we need to stand up as a society and say, "NO MORE!" The more that we all know about this as a society, the more we can prevent this horrific evil from taking place around us.


There are many men who need to know that they aren't responsible for what happened to them and that they have support in coming forward to confront their own abuse. All too often, boys are taught that you cannot cry and that if they are abused, they must have done something wrong or been weak. We need to stand together with all abuse victims.

It is estimated that 1 in 6 boys have been abused by the age of 16. Think about that. Then, stop and think of those you know and you'll soon realize that someone you know has been abused.

If you have been abused and you're hiding this deep dark secret, please know that there are resources for you to go and get help. You cannot deal with this on your own as it is too big of an issue without help, support and guidance. It is okay to ask for help and it is okay to be scared to ask for help. Many of us are out there and we know just how difficult that is. Reach out to us and take that first step of telling someone. Do not let yourself continue to live in life under the secrecy and shame of what someone did to you. To many times, society or our abusers make it out that we had sex with them and so it is our fault. Abuse is not about sex. Abuse is about control and manipulation. They end up placing the shame of what happened upon the victim and it is not their shame.

I am here if anyone wants to talk. You can email me privately if you want. You can also go to malesurvivor.org or any of the other online resources. On November 12 (Friday), I will be posting a list of resources for survivors so make sure you come back and check those out. Remember, you do not have to suffer alone!

Further Reading

1. Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 Male Survivors Speak Out
   
   
2. Oprah, 200 Men Who Were Molested Come Forward, Part 1

(c) 11/9/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Daily Affirmations For Male Survivors

By direct permission from Dr. Howard Fradkin, I am sharing these 10 daily affirmations for male survivors.

Howard Fradkin, Ph.D. is the Psychologist that appears on the Oprah Show for an historic, ground breaking, two part series of 200 Men who were molested that come forward.

In addition, Dr. Fradkin is the Co-Chairperson of Male Survivor Weekends of Recovery and a part of Affirmations Therapy.

Dr. Fradkin has worked with over 1000 male survivors of sexual abuse and says one of the first steps on the journey toward healing is to practice daily affirmations. He suggests saying the following affirmations out loud to yourself or to someone you trust.

1) Recovery is absolutely possible and achievable for me.

2) I will practice being disloyal to dysfunction and loyal to functionality.

3) I give myself permission to connect to loving, affirmative, strong, sensitive, accepting men and women in my community.

4) I release and forgive myself for any responsibility I have accepted in the past for my abuse.
5) The abuser(s) from the past chose to hurt me; I will stop repeating that lie that it just happened to me.

6) Offering myself daily compassion is necessary for my healing and growth.

7) I commit to connecting to the boy inside me today so we can play, laugh and experience joy together, even if just for a minute or two.

8) I believe deep inside me I possess the ability to face the truth of my abuse and to learn to use new tools for healing.

9) I have the right and ability to speak the truth of my abuse and deserve to be heard, understood, believed and supported.

10) Feeling is healing; as I heal, I develop the ability to experience a wider range of emotions to enhance my health and connections to others.

Further Reading:
1) How Could Anyone

2) Oprah, Tyler Perry and 200 Male Survivors Stand Together

3) Dr. Howard Fradkin, Affirmations Therapy

4) Male Survivor

Oprah, Tyler Perry, and 200 Male Survivors Stand Together

Today (Nov 5) on Oprah, the first of a two part episode on Male Survivors is airing. If you have been reading my blog, you know that I'm one of the 200 male survivors in the audience. Since the taping of the show, I have experienced so much support from so many people and some of these are complete strangers to me. Some of the comments and stories shared with me have touched me deeply.

Before the show and after it, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. None of this has been easy and in fact, there have been times that the pain has been great, the tears many and the fears were knocking on my door. In spite of all these things, I would still do a show like this again. It was an experience of a life time. It is one that I will never forget. This episode of 200 male survivors coming together on Oprah with Tyler Perry was empowering. It is hard to describe just how much it has meant to my life.

As I write this, I have been interviewed by the Orlando Sentinel and the Daytona Beach News Journal about my own story and experience on the Oprah Show. My story is difficult to share and probably difficult for many to read. Normally I am very afraid to talk on the phone to complete strangers. However, today I found myself with the courage to do this. It was like I had the full support of 200 other male survivors. I felt empowered to speak out and I know it is the time to stand up and publicly break my own silence.

Article In Orlando Sentinel - Hal Boedeker

Article in Daytona Beach News Journal

I hope that each one reading this will watch the Oprah show today (Friday, Nov 5) and the second part of it on Nov 12. It will be a powerful show and according to Oprah on her press release, it is not only a historical show but to her, it is one of her top shows of all times. This show is important because people need to know that these things take place and we as a society need to work to stop and prevent them from happening. To the men that have been through this, I want you to know from my own experience, that you are not alone. There are many others. You do not need to suffer in silence any more. Yes, it is a difficult path to heal but with the support of others, there is recovery. There is healing!

Please note that if you are watching the show, I am sitting behind Oprah and have a purple shirt on.

To Read More About My Experiences on the Show, Click Here


For further support, check out the following places

Dr. Paul Canali, Trauma Recovery

Don Shetterly.com - Licensed Massage Therapist

Male Survivor Organization

Facebook - Male Survivors on Oprah's Echo Group

Oprah - Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Part 2

This post is about my experience being part of the 200 male survivors on show airing November 5 and November 12. Please tune into the Oprah show to view these episodes and spread the word to all your friends. This post is part two of a two part series.

(Continued from Part 1 on October 28, 2010)

Sitting in a room of 200 male survivors was something that I had never experienced before. I have been to conferences with female survivors but not in a situation like this. To say this experience and being in a room full of male survivors was powerful is an understatement. I will never ever forget this experience and I will never forget the faces of those in this studio and the ones that I got to meet. There were guys from all over the country and Canada there from all walks of life. There were guys that were married, single, fathers, straight, gay and everything in-between. We all were there speaking with one voice.

While there are many ways she could have taken the show and many things she highlighted, their main focus was on telling the world in a dramatic way that there are many male survivors in this world. More importantly, Oprah and her staff wanted to give a voice to male survivors of child sexual abuse so that others out there who are too afraid to speak out, will have the courage to face what was done to them. It is so difficult living in silence and for men who were abused; it is extremely difficult to speak out or to acknowledge what happened.

Boys are taught from an early age that you are to be strong and in control. Boys are not allowed to show weakness and most of the time, emotions are discouraged from an early age. Boys are taught you have to be a man which means most of the time to deny feelings and emotions in our society. Because of this, when the shame and guilt of child sexual abuse is thrust upon young boys, they feel like they cannot speak out. For to speak out shows weakness and little boys are not supposed to go down that road. That is why this show is so critical because the world needs to realize that boys are molested and abused. The world needs to realize that there are many others out there. Each male survivor that feels like they are all alone, will see firsthand in a dramatic way that there are many more out there that have experienced these things.

While the show could have gone in many different directions, they chose to keep the focus very narrow as to what I just described. I wish that they would have acknowledged more gays that have been abused but there is such a stigma in our society. The underlying thought is that if you are a male survivor, you are going to go out and molest other children, especially if you’re gay. Of course, this is such a load of BS and a very backwards view. Most people who are male survivors do not go on to molest children and just because you are gay does not mean a thing on this. I know many male survivors who question their sexuality, wondering if the abuse made them gay. One wise person once told me that being abused by a man does not make you any more gay than being abused by a woman makes you straight. Those were some wise words that more of this world needs to understand.

I also wish the show would have gone more into recovery and the people who had really turned their lives around. However, we would have been there forever taping these episodes because that is a lot of ground to cover. My hope is that Oprah or Tyler Perry or someone else will do a show on survivors that have really healed and reclaimed their lives. There is hope and possibility from those who have struggled through the pains and horrors of the past. This show however, just touches on these subjects because there was not enough time to go into all of that.

Overall, I’m happy with the way the show will most likely appear and think that it is going to be a powerful statement to the world. I hope each person that can, will tune in and watch this because we as a society need to understand that these things are going on all around us. We can hide our head in the sand like many of us do, but until we confront this epidemic problem head on; we’ll continue to destroy the lives of many of our young boys.

Statistics show that 1 in 6 boys have been sexually abused before the age of 16. Think about that for a moment. Identify 6 boys or men that you know and then realize that most likely; one of these has been abused. That is a mind blowing thought. Yet, we as a society hide our heads in the sand and when situations confront us or appear before our eyes, we tend to discount and dismiss what our mind is throwing up as warning signs. Too many times, we do not want to get involved or we want to believe the problem will just go away. Too many times, we feel if we just talk to the potential perp, that the problem will go away. These perps know how to seduce children and they know how to do it right before the watchful eyes of those around the children. They laugh and mock those who fail to see it. Perps are not stupid. Perps are not just some strange looking man on the street corner. They are fathers, brothers, uncles, cousins, preachers, deacons, teachers, community leaders and the list could go on and on. More often than not, the perps are known to the children and their families.

Anyway, I’m almost off track of what this write up was about. As you will see when you watch the show, many of these things will come out from the interviews that are aired. You will see how difficult the struggle is to reclaim your life and how often survivors of child sexual abuse act out as a result. You will see how alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addictions, relationship issues, depression, anxiety and many other things tends to be the normal life for survivors of child sexual abuse. Each person on this show is a testament to the strength and endurance of the human spirit because none of these things are easy to live through.

There is so much I could tell about this entire experience but it would get too long for anyone to read. I met so many wonderful men there and I felt safe with them. Some of them I got to interact with more than others and will most likely forge long term friendships with them. Each person there impacted my life in a dramatic way and I will always be grateful for the experience. I am so excited that Oprah is using her life and her media platform to highlight a big problem tearing apart our society.

It was interesting that even the producer who initially interviewed me on the phone was a male survivor. Yet, until this show was about ready to tape, he had not disclosed that to anyone. He most likely will be featured on the show. I cannot imagine how difficult it was for him to hear story after story and put this show together. I am overjoyed when I see someone making a big difference by being true and honest with themselves.

How all of this is going to impact my life, I am not sure at this moment. It is one of those life changing moments though that has helped me to see, I do not need to be silent. I do not need to live in fear of what my abusers may or may not do to me. They’ve already taken so much from me and they have thrown me aside to find my own way in the world. From this point forward, I don’t plan on standing in the silent shadows any longer. If my abusers do not like that, then it is they that will have to get over it. I’m taking back my life. I’m claiming what is mine.

So tune in on November 5 because this episode will be one that will impact the world and will hopefully begin a new dialogue where male survivors feel empowered to reach out and heal the wounds that were inflicted upon them. May each of us that survived these horrible moments find peace, comfort and healing. May society and the world stop allowing these things to remain hidden in the dark corners of humanity.

And as I write these words, I am well acquainted with the fact that the impact of this show is hitting me hard emotionally. It has challenged me to the core and I am reconnecting with the strength I hold within myself.

Mark your calendars or set your TIVO to record the show on November 5 and November 12. Send an email and post a link on Facebook to let all your friends know about this very important show. I realize there are probably other questions that someone reading this may want to ask and know but until the show airs, I'll probably refrain a little from posting much more. Feel free to leave a question through the comment feature and what I feel I can answer at this point, I will do that for everyone to see.

Keep checking back as all of this takes place because as I connect with this show again, I'll most likely be sharing more about how it impacted me and the effects on male survivors and our world.

Other Resources: The Male Survivor Organization

(Above Picture (c) 10/28/10)

Oprah - Male Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse, Part 1

This post is about my experience being part of the 200 male survivors on show airing November 5 and November 12. Please tune into the Oprah show to view these episodes and spread the word to all your friends. This post is part one of a two part series.

The days and weeks leading up to the taping of the Oprah show on Oct 20, 2010 were like riding an emotional roller coaster. There were ups and downs and loops and jerks and just about everything you can imagine. I went through the fears of what I would say if I was going to be on the show and would I feel safe to speak my truth. It wasn’t easy and finally a few days before we were to fly up there, I found a peace within myself. I am now at a point in life, where I really do not care what my abusers say or think. If they do not like me speaking out about the horrific things they did to me and others, than I’m sorry, but to be very blunt, that is their problem!

Taking off for Chicago was fun because Jeff and I rarely get to fly anywhere and we don’t take too many trips because of how expensive it is to travel. This trip was paid completely by Oprah. From the initial contacts with her staff to the point of travel arrangements and then at every point during the trip, the staff of Oprah were extremely professional, compassionate and top notch. I cannot say enough about them because I was very impressed.

Arriving in Chicago early in the morning gave us some time to get to the hotel and then do a little exploring. We were extremely tired because of getting up so early that we did not go too far but just walked around downtown. The hotel we stayed in was one of the nicest we have ever stayed in. It was fun just to be in the downtown part of Chicago and I took plenty of pictures. While most of the people that flew in for this show arrived around the same time and were transported by bus, we were taken by a car service. So we didn’t get to connect with all the others at that point.

That night, not knowing everyone was getting together for dinner in the hotel, we stumbled upon everyone with the right timing of when we chose to eat. We met some very interesting people and had fun getting to know a few people. The camaraderie that everyone felt there was out of this world. There was such a strong bond there with people who were strangers, yet we all felt the common connection. While I was a little shy and nervous, it didn’t take long to just fit right in. At the end, there was a grand piano in the lobby and one of the guys talked me into just playing on it. Here I was in a hotel lobby creating music in the moment on the beautiful grand piano.

The next morning, we had to be up at 4am to get on the bus and head to the studio. That was not easy and we were all very tired. Getting to the studios, you go through security and then have to check in any sharp objects and cell phones, cameras, coats, etc until you are leaving the building. I was extremely nervous and in fact, I could barely eat.

As we all started to be seated in the studio, they informed us that we were going to screen the episode that was actually airing this day on the Oprah show. The episode was of Tyler Perry coming out as a male survivor. Viewing Tyler Perry’s story on the screen, there was hardly a dry eye in the place. Hearing about the beatings, the molestation and all that he endured was heartbreaking. I cried throughout this show because some of his experiences hit so close to my heart. It was not easy to see this episode so early in the morning and it left me feeling numb. I had to focus on my breathing just to stay centered and grounded.

After that, they started getting everyone in place so the taping could begin. When Oprah came out, everyone was so happy to see her and she seemed to be genuinely happy to see everyone there. Oprah appeared to me to be just as down to earth and genuine in person as she did on TV. In fact, at one point during the taping she talked about how her back was hurting that morning because the dog decided it was going to take up most of the bed when she tried to sleep that night. That’s a small insignificant story but it just showed to us how real she is. She was very accessible throughout the taping and very responsive to all that were there. I thought there would be many ground rules laid down but the taping took place in the way that things unfolded. I thought there would be more staged and rehearsed moments but it truly happened as we were watching it take place. How it will all be edited together and shown on TV, I have no idea.

One of the most powerful moments of the show came at the beginning. I’m not sure I will be able to watch this part of the show without crying because it was so powerful. Before coming to Chicago, we had been asked to email a photo of ourselves around the time of the abuse. While the picture I submitted was not necessarily when things happened, it was the best quality picture I could find. The studio took our submitted pictures and blew them up to 8x11 size and handed them out to each of us. When you see the show, you most likely will see these pictures. I won’t give any more of it away but as I type this, I’m almost in tears. They say a picture is worth a thousand words – well, maybe in this case, it is worth a few million words.

I’m not completely certain but I believe there will be two shows out of this taping. One will be on November 5 and the other will be a week later on November 12. There was just too much material for her to cover in one show. So, set your VCR/TIVO or whatever you use to record the show if you can’t be home to watch it. I believe it will be a powerful show when they get done editing it together and I doubt many will be able to sit through it without being affected by the content. For now, I’m not sure if I will show up in the show or not because it depends upon the editing and what they include and what they have to omit. There was so much information and segments that were taped so it will be interesting to see the final show.

Jeff and I were sitting directly behind Oprah, the guests and Tyler Perry during the taping. It will be interesting to see how things look in the show because for most of the time, we got to see the backs of everyone with Oprah but the faces of the audience. I’ve never been in a studio like that but we could see the Teleprompters and cameras with the red lights indicating which ones were on and being used. It felt surreal sitting there with Oprah and Tyler Perry as this unfolded.

There were 200 male survivors that she flew in for the taping of this show. While she tried to use as many of the stories as she could, so many people were not able to talk. However, everyone that was a part of the audience was just as important as those who were highlighted. Oprah made the statement that never before had 200 male survivors been assembled before at one time to tape a show such as this. It was truly a historic moment. According to what one of the guys shared on a forum, there were over 10,000 applications submitted to be on the show and out of that, only 200 were chosen. I feel extremely fortunate that I was there.

Come back tomorrow for part 2 of this series and mark your calendars or set your TIVO to record the show on November 5 and November 12. Send an email and post a link on Facebook to let all your friends know about this very important show.

For Part 2 on my experiences on Oprah, click here

(Above Picture (c) 10/28/10)