In The Little Steps We Heal

Written By Don Shetterly

When you've been through sexual abuse, rape, and trauma, healing isn't fun.  Often times it can be overwhelming, to say the least, to figure out how to feel or if you really want to go through the journey of healing.


It is in the little steps that we heal, though while the horrors are raging in our life, sometimes that is hard to remember.  While we want our life to be past all that was done to us, it isn't that simple. I know that as I look back in my own life, I see the moments come together where I was making more progress than I thought I was.

Little steps of healing seem so insignificant when we are in the middle of them.  Sometimes we feel like we've only moved an inch up a 5000-mile high mountain.  Yet, if we didn't move that inch, we would not be any further to climbing the mountain.

I Cannot Do That...

If you look at a mountain and try to picture yourself climbing it in one step, you'd probably laugh and say, "I cannot do that!"  Yet, in our healing, we try to force ourselves to do that, and then we exhaust ourselves.  We make healing into such a monumental task that we want to give up before we start.

Instead, if we looked at the mountain and allowed ourselves to climb a few feet or however far we chose to go that day, we would make major progress.  Yes, we might face rock slides, storms, and get thirsty.  Yes, it might be treacherous in moments where our feet slip.

The more we allow ourselves to climb at our own pace, taking the little steps, the further we will go. It is in the little steps of that day that we get higher and higher, further and further.

In my own life, I've been able to look back and realize that all of those little steps I was taking, whether I knew it or not, were getting me further.  They were helping me to find the authentic part of myself that I didn't know existed.

They were taking me to higher points along the path, so that now I could see things more clearly than when I was several feet back.  The vantage point and viewing changed as I went further, but I had to climb through those little steps at the beginning of the journey to see more.

Healing isn't easy.  At times, we want to give up thinking we've not gone very far.  It is in those moments that we have most likely gone much further in the journey than we realize.  If we turn back too quickly, we may miss the monumental plateau that is right ahead of us.

Honor and allow the little steps because when we do, we will find out that we are healing our lives.

In the little steps, we heal.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Missing Big Chunks Of My Life

Trauma healing isn't fun, easy, or pretty.  Dealing with the memories that surface after having gone through childhood sexual abuse is like walking on land that has many mine fields.  You just never know when you're going to step on something that blows up in your face.

These days, I really feel like there are big chunks missing from my life.  I don't know what it is.  I can't explain it.  I just have that gut sense that there is more to it.

What I mean by missing big chunks of my life is that I've got a few memories scattered here and there, but there is like this big part that I can't recall or remember.  It is almost as if that part of my life didn't exist.

Then there's the emotion that I feel surrounding it, but it's not like I can explain in detail what that emotion is.  It is more of a feeling.  It is more of a confusion, trying to comprehend what is going on.

I know I've been at this point before many times and I did get through it.  It is important that I keep reminding myself of that.  Yet, it doesn't make it any easier.  I'm not about to let it stop me in my tracks either.

I wish I knew what the missing chunk was in my life.  I wish I could describe better the way it feels.  For now, I've got to be content in just knowing that at some point it will make itself known and I'll have an opportunity to go further and deeper into my own healing.

I thought it would be helpful to others if I just shared this part of my process.  Hopefully, it will help someone else know that they too are not alone, and that others have walked these same paths.

In the end, I recognize that it is part of my healing process - part of my ongoing healing process.  Healing from trauma is not a one time event or a level you reach.  It is an evolution that takes you further through the deep layers of the pain and into the more joy filled parts of who we truly are.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Dealing With Trauma

When you've been through so many horrible experiences in your life, it can be difficult at best to deal with them, try to heal from them and not let them take you under.  Dealing with trauma is not easy and if anyone tells you it is, don't buy the iceberg in the middle of the swamp they are trying to sell.

Sorry, if anyone thinks I'm off my rocker here, but I've had to deal with trauma.  Yeah, I've done a pretty good job keeping the hungry tigers at bay, but sometimes the trauma is just hard to deal with, let alone heal from in life.

I keep trying no matter what.  Some days, I want to give up and say enough is enough with this.  It can be exhausting at times and horrifying at other times.

I don't want to give the impression that if you've been through trauma, life is pointless or hopeless.  It is not!  As hard as it gets, there is hope that you can go on long enough to heal from it and find a measure of happiness and meaning and purpose in life.

Kept putting one foot in front of the other...

When I was really processing the heavy parts of trauma, I often felt exhausted and I wondered if I would ever get through things.  Sometimes it felt hopeless and sometimes my energy level didn't seem enough for what I needed.  In those times, I kept putting one foot in front of the other knowing that "this too shall pass".

In those difficult moments, I turned to nature.  Any time I could get to a park or the mountains or oceans, I would go.  Anytime I could just spend a moment outside in the sun, feeling the warmth of the sunlight or the breeze upon my face, I would do it.  If there was just a moment where I could walk down the sidewalk and escape the difficult moments of the day, I would go.

Creativity helped me deal with trauma...

I used creativity to help me deal with trauma.  Creativity through writing, drawing, painting helped.  It gave me an outlet.  If you're not one that likes to write, draw or paint - that's perfectly okay.  There are a hundred million other ways to be creative.  Just find the one that works for you and use it to help yourself.  Creativity helps you process.  It gives you a channel for those things that are so hard to put into words.

Dealing with trauma is not about ignoring it.  It is about embracing it and allowing yourself to go in and heal from it.  I still remember the therapist that told me how happy she was that I stuck with the therapy.  She told me that all too often, many will quit therapy long before they should.  No, it isn't easy going to therapy and opening these wounds up, but in order to heal - you just can't wish it away.

Dealing with trauma is not one size fits all.  You have to find what works for you and then do it.  Don't wait for others to tell you what works.  Seek out the things that help you and if it is not working, find something else.  Don't be like the friend of mine that was seeing therapists every day of the week and exclaiming nothing was working.  My advice to him was to stop what he was doing and find something that did work.

Therapy that does not connect the body with the mind may help to a degree, but it will be lacking in potential.  The body stores the memories and they can only be accessed and released by doing work on the body.  There are some great therapies for trauma healing such as the Unified Therapy with Dr. Paul Canali.  It is highly effective work and it does not take too long before you begin to see and feel a difference.

In dealing with trauma, I have found that most of the times I had no answers in what step to take.  I just searched and sought out things that would help.  I tried to recognize how my body, my gut, and my heart felt about whatever therapy I was doing.  I am a highly driven person and so I constantly evaluated if what I was doing truly worked.  If it didn't, I found something that did.

But most of all - don't accept that trauma has to ruin the rest of your life!  There is healing and growth from it.  There is a way forward.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Go Deeper Into The Mind Body

Many humans sit on the edge of where they need to go.  Sure, we all like to think that we have traveled far beyond all that is possible, but.... have we really gone as far as we think we have.

We tend to sit at the edge, just before everything drops into the unknown and proclaim that we're further than we actually are.

Hey, consciousness and awareness is a constantly changing process that unfolds as far as we allow it.  I get that!  I understand it is a process and we all go at our different speeds.

What I'm challenging each person on is to go deeper into the mind body.

Yep, don't be content with where you are!  Go deeper into the mind body so that you can see all that you don't realize exists in this moment.  It is beyond the edge of what you know.  It is that darkness of the unknown.

Keep in mind that the mind body is not just a thought process.  It is a feeling process.  It is about connecting what you feel in the body, the cells, tissues, and everything in-between with what your mind is aware of in that moment.  It is further than most travel because we tend to ignore the body component.

Part of living in a human body...

Hey, we're human.  Humans automatically ignore the body component.  It is just part of living in a human body.  However, when you go deeper into the mind body, you realize that by connecting to those uncomfortable places, there's much more to gain as a result.

The trick though is to quiet your mind and body down so that you really and truly listen to what it is you're feeling in that moment.  When you grasp that, you begin a path of awareness that will lead you to places your mind may never have traveled.

In conjunction with your mind, you body will help open up a consciousness that you've never known before.  It will show you what is possible and that there is a road into the unknown that never had the opportunity to be seen up to this point of your life.

Go deeper into the mind body and find out who you really are!  It is a process.

The more  you discover about this connection, the more you will see that is beyond your current moment of all that is before you.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

How Did I Heal?

Sometimes we have no clue what to do to get out of the situation we are in, but sometimes that is where we need to be.  I know, I know, this may not sound like normal advice, but it has been true for me so many times in my past.  The more I fought the situation, the more I struggled to get out of it.

I didn't get anywhere in my healing by staying where I was and while it is easy to write these words now, it was anything but easy in that moment.  When I faced that moment of never walking again or functioning again from the paralysis brought on by a Conversion Disorder, I thought all was lost.

When I started dealing with the sexual abuse and nightmares, I thought all was lost.  In the early days of my own healing, there wasn't an internet full of support groups.  There were no readily available groups to be a part of or shows to watch.  I was pretty much on my own.

None of my healing was easy to come through.  No step was clear before I took it.  There was no way I understood my path forward or even that a path forward existed.  It felt like a fog of despair full of loneliness, depression and anxiety.  Actually in those days, I didn't even realize how depressed I was or how much anxiety I had.

The only thing that truly got me from point "A" to point "B" was that I kept trying to take a step.  I didn't know where to put my foot in taking the step, but I just lifted it up and set it down.  Often I could not even see where it would land, but as I set it down on the ground, everything became a little more clear.

Parts showed promise and parts wasted my time...

I worked at learning all I could and trying to identify everything around me that I could.  I saw something that looked like it might help and so I checked it out to see what it could do for me.  Some things worked and some didn't.  Parts of some of those things showed promise while others just wasted my time.

Most of the time I could not even see what was working and what was not.  I just went with how I felt and if there was even a momentary benefit to it.  If there was, I would see if I could repeat that and what it did for my mind and my body.   Sometimes I could isolate a part that was helping and then I would discard the parts that didn't help.

Sometimes we get hung up on needing to know the answers before we move forward that we ignore what is right before us.  It is too easy to shun that which is helpful because we are looking for that which fits into our view of what works or does not work.  As humans we tend to want to know everything before learning what we need to learn.  It is like a dog chasing his tail.

I always keep in my mind that if what I was doing up to the point of the paralysis of Conversion Disorder did not work, why should I continue to use that as a frame of reference for healing my life.  Often I needed to throw out all I knew so I could discover what it was that I didn't know.  Once I threw out what I thought I knew, it was then that I found the piece of my healing I so badly needed.

Healing isn't about repeating the steps of the past hoping for a different outcome.  It is more about throwing the past out with the weekly trash and stepping through with courage into the unknown.  It is in surrendering into the unknown that we will truly find the healing before us.  It is a process that we will most likely repeat and learn over and over again.

No, it isn't an easy process.  It takes a lot of work and often that work sucks big time!  There's no other way to state it.  To sit where you are and expect someone else to heal you will only keep you where you are.  There are many that can walk beside you and help steady you on your path, but it is up to you to step out with courage and surrender into the unknown of healing.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Allow The Healing Process To Unfold

Some days the simplest thing you can do is just be and observe.  Sometimes doing nothing, but observing whatever situation you may find yourself in, becomes the most powerful thing that you can accomplish in that day.

Often we want our problems solved in an instant.  We want to be healed from pain or trauma or a past that haunts us.  We want it to be done now.

Yes, we may be tired of fighting the good fight.  We may be tired of carrying on when life seems to difficult to endure.  We may be down on our strength and energy and resolve, but this is the time to stop and observe and just be in this moment.

Answers are there for our lives...

Answers are there for our lives.  Healing is waiting and often times happening when we don't even see it.  It isn't a matter of when will it take place or when will the answer appear.  It is a moment of observing and seeing what is right before our eyes.

It is part of being human to demand answers now and expect our lives to be healed.  It is part of having to endure much more than any human should ever have to face. It is part of a process that connects to something bigger, even if that is so hard to comprehend or even believe is possible.

We have made it this far...

We need to keep in mind that no matter how tough our days get, we have made it this far.  We have overcome so much up until this point.  Let us focus on these thoughts as our mind and body reach out to us with answers that will not only sustain us, but keep us moving forward.

Healing and difficult times are a process that unfolds as we are ready and allow into our life.  Sometimes when we think we are ready and when we truly are ready, don't show up at the same time.  It is a process.  Allow it to unfold.  Allow it to become all that it is and just be in that moment with all that you are at this time in your life.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Learning To Let Go In The Healing Process

Healing is about learning to let go and every time we go into the process, the body and mind (all the old fear patterns and tapes that play) don't want to give up control.  It is the old self - the ego part of us that says - no way - I'm going to stay in control.

These toxic parts and old tapes desire for us to keep everything in place, even if it is the most toxic thing for our lives.  These parts have a strong desire to survive even though they may be hurting us at the same time.  Deep healing takes us into those moments and it can become a tug-of-war.  The trick is allowing it to happen in the way that it is unfolding. 

I know I fought it in the beginning and wanted everything fixed now.  I was frustrated at times that everything wasn't magically better.  However, just like then, I'm still learning what it truly means to surrender into the moment I am at in my life.  It is such a part of being human and living the human experience.  What healing is trying to do is take us beyond our current moment and when we go beyond that, it begins to change internal things from the inside out.

Sometimes those changes take time...

Sometimes those changes happen overnight.  Sometimes those changes take time.  It is a process...  and the process will continue to unfold as far as we allow it.  I go through this too just like many others do.  Its not easy to walk into the darkness of the unknown.

One therapist repeated to me many times, the following thought which I found very useful.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it is the essence of what all this is about.

When we step into the darkness of the unknown, one of two things will happen.  We will either be given wings and taught to fly or we will have something solid to stand on. 

The fears are powerful.  There is no denying that.  I remember one healer talking about "negative pleasures".  Even if something is negative or harmful in our life, there is often a part that we are too afraid to give up.  We want to hold on to it because that is all we know to do.   It was our method of survival when the trauma was taking place.  To give it up and find the peace and healing is part of the lesson.  It is the part that helps us find out what we need to learn.

I still remember one time that I was struggling with a rash that would not go away.  Dr. Canali looked at me and said, "are you ready to let go?"  At first, I thought I was, but as I started to get angry and upset, I realized in the session that I was not ready to let go of it.  I feared that if I let go, I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't make it.  I wouldn't know what was beyond that which I was experiencing.  It was all that I knew and as if someone was asking me to cut off my leg or arm.  It was a struggle to understand that.

Healing is about learning to let go but it is a process.  It is a process that has to unfold and the more we stand in the way of it, the more we hold it back.  It is not a race to the finish line, but an awareness of all that we are.  Through that awareness and consciousness, we heal and become more than we are today.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

When and How To Let Go and Forgive

One of the most common things I see online is memes where people make life seem so easy to live.   One such subject is they tell you that holding on to things in life is the worst thing you can do and that you need to let go.

While it is good to let go, it is often much more difficult than everyone makes it out to be.  It isn't always something as simple as writing a meme or sharing a meme online.  In fact, its a rather difficult process for most people and if it isn't, maybe a reviews is in order.

Letting go isn't a single moment in time, but it can be.  There is no timeline of when it should happen.  There is no one out there that can tell you when or how to let go.  It is all up to each one of us personally and individually.

I've seen people talk about forgiveness and make it out to be the most important focus in life.  Unfortunately for many folks, the concept of forgiveness has been so obliterated by certain segments of our society, that forgiveness is anything but a positive experience.  It doesn't stop people strongly pushing others and shaming them almost, into thinking that if you don't forgive, there's something wrong with you.

Forgiveness is a process...

Forgiveness is a process just like letting go.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It takes healing and a continual journey through your own life.  It isn't like you wake up one morning and the heavens have parted.  It is more in the way that you continue to let go of what is there and the more you do this, the more it no longer impacts your life.

Often, people tell others they need to forgive or let go because of how it makes them feel.  They may not have healed all these similar parts in their own life and so by you being in the place you are at, it makes them feel uncomfortable.  Often when we have not fully healed our own lives, we project that on to others and we identify with their pain as if it were our own.

Let forgiveness come naturally...

Don't get me wrong, because I know learning to forgive and letting go is an important part of advanced healing in one's life.  It doesn't mean you do that when you start out.  It means you focus on healing your life and let the forgiveness and letting go come naturally in its own time.

Too often we think that if we say the words or think the thoughts that we have forgiven someone and it will make everything better.  We may fool ourselves into believing this, but it may just be an opportunity to hide and bury all the baggage of life in a deeper closet.  We need to be careful that when we say we have forgiven or we have let go, that we truly mean that from our internal consciousness and awareness, not our ego brain or the need to placate others.

A long time ago, some people in a church had me come up front at the end of a service.  They laid hands on me and in prayer, they had me forgive my abusers.  Guess what?  That did far more damage to me, than any good that could have possibly come out of it.  I was not at the point of being ready to forgive.  Far too much of what had happened to me was still in that elusive state where I was not even ready to acknowledge its existence.

You see, we throw around memes all day long, but sometimes they can truly hurt those who have already been hurt.  We end up shaming people because they don't fall in line with how we see forgiveness or letting go or even if we are close to that point in our healing journey.  There is a time for anger and remembering and reliving.  No one can tell anyone at what point that needs to end.  It is all up to the individual person to find that path for them self.

Do everyone a favor in determining when and how to let go or forgive and let them find their way.  Allow it to unfold in whatever way it needs to and in the timeline it needs to appear.  Don't force it and don't create something that is not there.  Be okay with this moment because although it may be a very difficult time, it is part of your healing.  It is part of letting go and moving on in life.

---

Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

---

Why We Go Through Difficult Moments

Why, we often ask.  We can't explain the difficult moments in life, but we sure can feel them.  I'm sure if anyone could answer the question of why do we go through difficult moments, they would be the wisest person on earth.

Sure, some come up with statements about why we go through difficult moments and sometimes those answers help.  Often though, those answers are like a temporary band-aid on a gushing wound.  I actually think that these type of answers can hurt more than they help.

Difficult moments are everywhere and they affect many people at different times in their life.  I could tell you that difficult moments help us grow and discover ourselves.  Others could tell you that it brings you closer to God.

The thing is that when you go through a difficult moment, the common thing we do is ask why?  We wonder why and by asking why, we are searching for the answers we need.

Asking why we go through difficult moments is how we begin to make sense of it.  It is how our mind begins to comprehend what is taking place.  Often, there are no answers at this point, but the question leads us to those answers.

Allow yourself to ask why we go through difficult moments.  Allow yourself to be in the midst of the rough times.  Don't feel like you have to boil your experience down into a 30 second sound bite that works for everyone but yourself.

I have often found that people want to help others and if they don't have the answers you need, they often make up something that they think helps.  It is their way of trying to get rid of their own discomfort, rather than allowing you to find what it is you need.

We are empowered when we search and discover the answers we need.  We are empowered when we go through the process to figure out how we deal with difficult moments.

Quick fixes only apply to the movies and unenlightened people.  The process is the phase where we grow and learn.  The process of finding our way through difficult moments is what makes us more human and compassionate in this world.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blog Post And Images (c) 2/6/16 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Making A Decision Is Hard

For months I agonized over the decision.  My friends could see that I needed to do this more easily than I think I could.  I don't think it isn't that I could not see it, the decision was just not easy.  Letting go is hard to do.

After all, there were parts of me that really like the job and role that I was doing.  In fact, even in my final days, those parts still reside in me.  I've been a part of this project from the early days of it becoming reality in the world and so it feels like my baby in a way.  I know it isn't my possession, but it feels that way.  I have a strong connection to it.

Leading up to the point of turning in my resignation, I had read many things by many people where they struggled with the same decision to quit a job.  Yes, I've had those that tell me you need to find a job first before you quit.  I don't follow the same tired and worn out rules like everyone else.  I tend to forge my own pathway.  Regardless, letting go of the job was hard to do.

Much More Than We See

Let's say you've lived in a world where you never saw a tree.  Maybe you were stuck inside and couldn't go out or look out a window.  Maybe you just lived on a remote island that had no trees.  Now, let's take for a moment that someone comes along and starts talking about trees.

Of course, at first you think, what is this person talking about.  What is a tree?  You have no room to understand that or comprehend what a tree is.  You don't even know what color a tree is or the shape it comes in or the height.  You don't even know what the purpose of a tree is or how beautiful it can be.  It is totally a foreign concept to you.  It is totally beyond your level of comprehension and awareness. 

Now, lets begin to go through the process that happens in the lives of many people.  You begin to learn and grow.  Your awareness increases and your knowledge grows in leaps and bounds.  You start to discover things that had no consciousness to you.  Things that were once not even seen or understood all of the sudden come into view.

Forgiveness Is A Four Letter Word

The other day I saw a video of a brief part of interview between Piers Morgan and Tyler Perry.  In the interview Tyler Perry was answering questions about some of the abuse he suffered through at the hands of his father.  I remember when I went to the taping of the Oprah 200 Men episode, we heard directly from Tyler about this abuse and it strongly connected with my own experiences. 

On this segment of the video, Tyler was talking about forgiveness just like he did with the 200 male survivors that day at the Oprah studio.  In his view, if you don’t forgive you allow all of this stuff to stay inside of you and it affects you physically.  It prevents you from moving forward and getting beyond all that was done to you.

I could not agree more with Tyler Perry in his view, but at one time forgiveness was a four letter word to me.  I thought forgiveness meant I was letting that S.O.B. off the hook and there was no way I was going to do that.  I wanted the person(s) that abused me to suffer because I was so angry at what they did and the lingering effects upon my life.  In addition to these things, I was brainwashed by churches as to what forgiveness was all about and so it really screwed up my understanding.

Forgiveness Is Difficult

Through very personal moments, I find that forgiveness can be extremely difficult. When you are hurt by people you care about, it is easy to feel confused, upset, and angered. However, forgiveness is the most difficult step after the point of being hurt.

Yes, I realize now, forgiveness is all about letting go and while that sounds like a simple and dignified definition, it isn't always that easy. Everyone has their own opinion as to what forgiveness means from the strict religious view and interpretations there of, to the new age philosophies that are abundant.

For me, I've traveled through some difficult waters many times over in my life. Once again, I'm reminded of the turbulent oceans beneath my feet. When you get used and abused regardless of what form it takes, the hurts and pains attack as an army attacks its enemy. It is relentless and full of power, or so it seems to be that way.

As you add some codependent guilt and shame on top of the hurt, it makes the process of letting go that much more difficult. It becomes something that is not only the energy of your own process but has attached to it, the energy of others. Cutting the cords of attachment between the two is sometimes only accomplished through a highly skillful surgical approach.

All too often, there are moments of forgiveness that are met with lonesomeness since the people that hurt us often shun us or close their ears to what we try to express. In those moments, we must tread on through our journey and continue to learn to let go of those pains and hurts.

It is not easy no matter how you look at it or slice it in pieces. The hurts are still there but in order for us to move forward and reclaim our life, we have to let go. If we don't forgive at some point, we are harboring all that was done to us and giving it much more power than it deserves.

For a long time, I struggled with this concept and slowly I am beginning to understand it. Once again, through an event I was involved with, the lesson has reared its ugly head. I do realize that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person but has everything to do with how I see myself and love myself. Yet, my mind struggles to comprehend these things.

The final note I want to share is that forgiveness is a process. It is about learning to let go and allowing the hurts and pains to be felt, experienced and realized. Forgiveness is not something you do in some special ceremony where poof, the magic dragon is slayed. It is not someone standing up and proclaiming, I forgive you (although that can definitely help). I would suggest that forgiveness is something that is ongoing and one day you wake up realizing that the hurts and pains of the past hold no further power over you. Then, at that moment, you have forgiven what was done to you.


Further Reading
1) Finding Self Forgiveness and Self Love
2) Forgiveness For Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
3) Release It, Let It Go (Pg 97 - Hope And Possibility Through Trauma)



Blog Post & Images (c) 5/2/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Growth Before Our Eyes

I've got some corn growing in my earthboxes and I'm enjoying watching it as well as my other vegetable plants as they grow each day. Sometimes it seems like they change and shoot up overnight while I'm asleep and not looking.

It amazes me how quickly this process unfolds. While it seems like it was yesterday when I planted the cracked little seeds into the soil, I know that it has been several days now. The plants seem to continue to replicate and grow with each passing ray of sunlight and nourishment of water.

Yet, as I'm looking for the actual ears on the corn plants to emerge, I was beginning to wonder if they would arrive. Yesterday, I saw two places which just appeared to be leaves sprouting from the side of the corn stalk. I knew that those had to be the ears of corn forming. Today, when I went out and looked at the corn plants, I saw that there was much more showing up. Now, I see some silk and the resemblance of what looks like an ear of corn forming. Most of this happened in the overnight hours.

I can't help but wonder about how things grow. It fascinates me. Even though we cannot see a blade of grass growing inch by inch, we can see after several days that it does grow. In some parts of the world, you can see this growth much quicker than in other parts. The vegetable plants are the same way in that they grow a little each day but until there are big changes, it is hard sometimes to notice.

Life is like the growth of a plant in many respects. Often we don't see the changes that take place every day. We don't really feel like we are growing and evolving or moving along. Yet, when we look back and we see how far we traveled or grew, it is then that we realize just how much we've been growing.

If we didn't stop every now and then and take note of it, we would probably just try to harvest the fruit, without realizing the beauty of creation. The beauty of growth from creation is what helps us continue to move through life, learning, discovering and offering all that there is available to us.


Blog Post & Images (c) 4/11/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Forgiveness For Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Growing up in the house that I did, forgiveness meant something very different than what I am now learning that it means. The concept I was taught in church was to basically forgive and forget. It was a way of thinking that nothing ever happened and like the person you were forgiving basically never did anything wrong. For it was taught that this was between you and the other person and that to remember any part of the transgression meant you had not let go of it or forgiven the person.

I remember in one church I was going to, they had me come to the front of the church towards the end of the service. Most likely they had great intentions but their actions were very traumatic to me and little did I recognize it at the time. They had me kneel down and they laid their hands on my head (might have even anointed me with some type of oil) and then prayed that I would forgive and forget what these abusers has done to me. I went through the actions but you know what - nothing changed in my life. In all reality, I was in the grief and anger period of my recovery and to stop that process is in itself traumatizing.

What I am now realizing about forgiveness is that it really has nothing to do with the relationship you have to the person that has caused you wrong. It has nothing to do with forgetting what happened to you. It is not something that you need to beat yourself up if you are able to forgive at this moment or just hearing these words makes you feel angry. It is not about letting the abuser off the hook or remotely saying that what they did is okay. Forgiving is not about saying you cannot be angry at what the person did to you.

Forgiveness is a process and one that takes time to happen. It is not a one time event of prayer or repetition of some stated thought that brings you to the state of forgiveness. In fact, it is most likely not an exact moment in time although it may build up to that. If you're at a point where this entire concept angers you and you find yourself saying, there is no way I can ever forgive my abuser for what they did to me, you are fine just where you are at. I have walked in those same shoes and cursed those that proclaimed I had to forgive my abusers because I was not ready to even go down that part of my healing.

To me, forgiveness is about letting go and learning to let go of the effects of what happened to me. God knows I have the right to be angry at what they did to me. The sexual abuse I suffered through was horrific. However, I am now learning that this process of forgiveness is about me learning to let go of all the energy that I hold within my body relating to the abuse. It has nothing to do with the people that did these things because it is more about me finding deeper healing within myself.

The more I hold on to these events and allow them to control my life, the more I am hurting myself. The more I allow these people in my past to inflict their shame upon me and influence every part of my life, the more I am giving up of myself. By allowing myself to begin the process of reclaiming my life and taking back my power, I am in fact, letting go of the harmful effects of what these abusers did to me. I am offering myself up to forgiveness because I am allowing my life to connect with who I truly am. I am discovering myself and embracing all parts of myself. That is what forgiveness means to me.

It is a process and not just a single moment that sometimes takes years to comprehend. The more you allow yourself to go down into this part of healing, the more life becomes something worth living for and you begin to realize your true potential. As you begin to learn how to forgive yourself, you start to reclaim your power, your energy and the essence of who you are. In these moments, you become more human and rightfully take your place in the universe. You may find that forgiveness is a process that unfolds and then rests for awhile but picks up again in the future and allows you to go deeper into forgiveness.

Never let anyone tell you that forgiveness means you must forget what happened to you or indicate that you somehow have to contact the abuser in order to do this. This process is about your own healing journey and you accepting yourself completely and becoming more aware of yourself. It is a process and sometimes it takes a considerable length of time. Sometimes you may not even realize it is happening until you look back a few miles and see that you have actually moved into forgiveness of your own life. We all have our journey to walk and each journey is different. The important point is to remember that we need to keep walking on our journey no matter how difficult it may get.

(c) 11/9/10 by Don Shetterly - Use by permission only.

Follow Your Inner Guidance

Standing alone in life can be one of the most difficult moments we face. When life's experiences and your convictions are all you have, it can feel as if your feet are not stable for the moment. It may not feel as if you are up for the task.

So many events, moments, people and influences will try to sway you from side to side. You must remain steadfast in following your inner guidance. You must hang on to what you know even if it is faint or difficult to describe in words. Yes, it is true that you cannot ignore the input of others so long as it does not pull you off your own course.

There is a time for rigidity in life and there is a time for merging various parts together as one source. Just as there are seasons, so are there moments of change in our lives. All that we participate with for our lives is part of a process.

Let us move forward with conviction and peace. While we focus on the goal in front of us, let us not close our eyes to the beauty that surrounds. When we feel like we are being pulled off course, help us to stay steadfast in the course we have plotted. We never must forget the stars that give us our location or the winds that take us to the next point in our journey.

(Above Picture taken at Key Largo, FL - (c) 08/31/02)

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Experience The Process

Sometimes it is difficult to allow ourselves to sit in the darkness of confusion, fear and the unknown. It is times like these, which show us the way forward. It is during these times that we allow ourselves a moment of awareness in order to find the truths for our lives. If we short circuit this process out of fear, we may be holding our self back from further awareness. May we allow ourselves to live in the moment, regardless of what that entails, so we may learn all we need to from the experience.

Choose To Change Your Thoughts

Sometimes I am faced with difficult moments and it seems that no matter what I do, I try to fight the same battles over and over. They are all too familiar to me in life. At times, I refer to these repeating battles as my beloved and hated twins. There are many moments where I wonder if I will truly rise above the troubles of my life. I often feel there is no way beyond the things I endure.

However, I am reminded that in order to change what is within me, I must change my thoughts. If I just "STOP" where my current thoughts are transporting me, than I can choose new thoughts. Choosing new thoughts allows me to change my thoughts and stop the continuous loop I allow my mind to go. I can offer my brain a new neural pathway to explore.

This sounds much easier to do than it seems to be in real life. It seems that I fail often. I've had to pick myself up off the ground far too many times. With every fiber of my body, I desire to change my thoughts. Yet, I know it is not easy.

It takes practice and perseverance to do this. I must allow myself the discovery of this process in order for this to become the norm in my life. In all moments, I must stand with great courage against the adversary within my own mind. I must be willing to travel all roads in my life so that I can truly choose to change my thoughts. When I change my thoughts, it is then that I will be victorious in the battle.

(Above Picture taken in Miami, FL - (c) 07/11/08)

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Allowing Things To Change

Sometimes I so badly want things to change in life. My fears try to get the best of me and self confidence falls to an all time low. I am constantly reminded though, that all of this is part of my journey. I need to allow it to unfold and let the prompts in life guide me.

Allowing is difficult to do in life. For when things seem so noisy and stressful, you just want to move through them as quickly as you can. However, it is most likely the same as the song Garth Brooks sings, "I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance". It is part of the process, no matter how difficult the process may become.

Of course, the frustration, pain and discomfort is messages of prompting to help find our way. They are like bumper railings in life. Sometimes though, it is easy to focus on the bumps and not on the path.

It takes courage, determination and staying open to all that we experience. What we may see today that makes no sense in this moment, may be the cement we use to build tomorrow's bricks for our path.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog