Being Authentic When I Don't Know Who I Am

I remember back to the early days of beginning healing as a male child abuse survivor.  For me, my entire life was turned upside down as the result of being paralyzed from a Conversion Disorder.  Now, Conversion Disorder has been renamed to Functional Neurological Disorder.

Back to the topic though...

At the time, I thought I had life figured out.  I thought I knew what my career path was.  Each year, I listed my top goals for the next year, two years, five years, 20 years, and so on and so forth.  I had my job that took me from early morning to late at night almost 7 days a week.

All of this was who I thought I was.  It was my identity and I thought I was being authentic.  Yet, when you're losing control of every physical part of your body and you start seeing that final white light as you're body is leaving this world, it tends to slap you pretty hard, waking you up to see more than you see in that moment.

I had buried so much...

This moment brought me front and center to all that I didn't know about myself but I thought I knew.  I had so buried all of the stuff that happened to me because it was horrible.  It was too horrible to see or even think about or even allow myself the remotest of connections.

As I began to heal, I began to see more of the true side of myself, the authentic side.  It was parts that I didn't even realize existed, but they were there.  It was parts that quite surprised me.

Even as I began to heal and start to discover what being authentic meant for my life, I realized that I had just reached the tip of the iceberg.  There was so much more for me to discover.  There was so much more that I had no way to see.  It all seemed like a fog and a mystery, but beyond that point, it was who I was.

I've gone through some tremendous healing work connecting not just my mind in healing, but the physical body as well.  What I have found is that as much as I thought I healed and discovered, there was much more than I could even see.

What we cannot see in this moment...

Being authentic is in my mind about learning to let go and become aware of that which we cannot see in this moment.  It is allowing myself to go further, grow in awareness and consciousness so that I can know myself from deep within.  It is about learning to connect to the deepest parts of my body, including the pain so that I can regain all those parts and discover more of myself.

As I continue to progress in my healing, I'm learning that the more I discover, the more I realize that further possibility exists.  What I know today about being authentic is no where near what I will probably know tomorrow or the next day.

There is so much out there that I have found.  There is much more to myself that I never realized.  Along with all the pains and experiences in life, I'm learning how to become more authentic.  For as I am becoming authentic, it is then that I truly discover what authenticity means.

We have to reach further for who we are, past all the horrible stuff that happened.  We don't need to ignore, neglect, or numb to all these things, but we need to squeeze them so hard that they have no life left in them.  It is then that we reclaim the power from them enabling us to being more authentic in our own life.

I realize that this may sound like new age philosophy or mumble jumble, but I can tell you from healing in my own life, this is at the heart of what propelled me forward.  It took me out of the depths of despair and into moments that I never could imagine existed.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Learning To Let Go In The Healing Process

Healing is about learning to let go and every time we go into the process, the body and mind (all the old fear patterns and tapes that play) don't want to give up control.  It is the old self - the ego part of us that says - no way - I'm going to stay in control.

These toxic parts and old tapes desire for us to keep everything in place, even if it is the most toxic thing for our lives.  These parts have a strong desire to survive even though they may be hurting us at the same time.  Deep healing takes us into those moments and it can become a tug-of-war.  The trick is allowing it to happen in the way that it is unfolding. 

I know I fought it in the beginning and wanted everything fixed now.  I was frustrated at times that everything wasn't magically better.  However, just like then, I'm still learning what it truly means to surrender into the moment I am at in my life.  It is such a part of being human and living the human experience.  What healing is trying to do is take us beyond our current moment and when we go beyond that, it begins to change internal things from the inside out.

Sometimes those changes take time...

Sometimes those changes happen overnight.  Sometimes those changes take time.  It is a process...  and the process will continue to unfold as far as we allow it.  I go through this too just like many others do.  Its not easy to walk into the darkness of the unknown.

One therapist repeated to me many times, the following thought which I found very useful.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it is the essence of what all this is about.

When we step into the darkness of the unknown, one of two things will happen.  We will either be given wings and taught to fly or we will have something solid to stand on. 

The fears are powerful.  There is no denying that.  I remember one healer talking about "negative pleasures".  Even if something is negative or harmful in our life, there is often a part that we are too afraid to give up.  We want to hold on to it because that is all we know to do.   It was our method of survival when the trauma was taking place.  To give it up and find the peace and healing is part of the lesson.  It is the part that helps us find out what we need to learn.

I still remember one time that I was struggling with a rash that would not go away.  Dr. Canali looked at me and said, "are you ready to let go?"  At first, I thought I was, but as I started to get angry and upset, I realized in the session that I was not ready to let go of it.  I feared that if I let go, I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't make it.  I wouldn't know what was beyond that which I was experiencing.  It was all that I knew and as if someone was asking me to cut off my leg or arm.  It was a struggle to understand that.

Healing is about learning to let go but it is a process.  It is a process that has to unfold and the more we stand in the way of it, the more we hold it back.  It is not a race to the finish line, but an awareness of all that we are.  Through that awareness and consciousness, we heal and become more than we are today.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Learning to Let Go

In the past few months, I've had multiple times where I've had to deal with horrible events.  Events that strangle me emotionally with so much pain, I can barely make it.  None of it is easy.  It seems like no matter where I turn lately, I'm just confronted with loss and pain in one way or another.  Learning to let go is not easy for me.

I'm not trying to say I don't care about someone or some event if I learn to let go.  Its quite the opposite.  I care deeply and I feel it deeply.  I'm a very sensitive person and there is very little that escapes my attention.  What I do feel, I feel with such an intensity that it often overwhelms me.  So learning to let go is not something I say casually or lightly or with callous.

Learning to let go means that I feel all of this, but I don't attach my existence to those feelings and emotions.  It means that I honor and respect those feelings and emotions, but I don't allow myself to become them.  They are there for me to acknowledge, but my life is much more than this.  Again, I'm not saying that we become unattached to their existence, but that we don't attach our purpose in life to them.  It may not be an easy concept to understand in what I am saying.

Is This Abundance Training?

One thing I've been learning about is how to change my life from the core outward.  In one area, abundance, I've learned to let go of long held beliefs and views and opinions that were holding me back.  Abundance training was not about attracting anything to me, but letting go of that which no longer served me.

Now I know that many in abundance training teach to visualize and attract things into your life.  While there is nothing wrong with knowing where you are heading and what you want, it really gives you a distorted or one sided view in my opinion.  The discovery of asking these questions is a good thing, but fixating upon it can actually hold you back.

A couple of years ago I was struggling to find any work and take care of myself financially.  Abundance was just a concept that different people tried to explain to me.  Unfortunately they explained it through their lens into life which didn't apply to me.  I floundered around looking for teaching and training that would help.  Some of these things worked and some caused more frustration.  (see What I Have Learned About Unlimited Abundance).

I finally found one program that began helping me change my life.  It was a training program that was too expensive at the time, but eventually I was able to purchase it.  While some of it doesn't apply to my own particular life, the part that really helped me the most was learning to let go.  To find myself and to find abundance for my life, I have to let go!