The Murky Waters Of Forgiveness

All my life I was taught one thing about this concept, and it messed me up for many years.  Forgiveness is something that is often taught in religious homes of all flavors and in the homes of those that have been abused as children.

Forgiveness is taught as a weapon to get the children under control and to be subservient to someone deemed greater than themselves.  It is taught as a manipulation, that you must do this and let the other person off the hook.

These are the murky waters of forgiveness because they distort the truth and manipulate those that are willing to follow.  I used to live in those murky waters of forgiveness and if anyone dared to challenge me, I dismissed them at will.

I've struggled long and hard with forgiveness because in no way do I want those that hurt me so deeply and badly to have one easy moment in their life.  I don't want them to think that what they did was okay.  I don't want them to have an easy life where they don't fully realize what they did to me.  I'm sorry, but I am human and I was horribly abused.

Was nowhere near ready...

I even had one church go as far as have me come up to the front while all these people prayed and laid hands on me.  It was a forgiveness ritual.  The thing is, I was nowhere near ready to even talk about forgiveness and I ended up resenting it even more.

When my mom passed away, I had friends of the family telling me I should forgive.  They thought that I needed to move on in my life.  However, they did not know the family secrets.  It did not stop them from preaching forgiveness to me.  I walked away and said, "enough is enough".

Oprah and Tyler Perry on forgiveness

When I went to the Oprah 200 Male Survivor episode, I heard Oprah and Tyler Perry talking about forgiveness.  I thought, well how special it was that they can forgive.  I wasn't really buying it at the time because I too thought, why would I ever let the abusers off the hook?

What I have learned though is forgiveness isn't what I was taught.  It isn't about going down on your knees and praying for your abusers to be freed from the prison you live in.  It isn't about them.  It is not about them!

Forgiveness is not a process where you wake up one morning and go everything is over.  That is a fallacy on so many levels that is widely practiced today because of religious teaching.  I'm sorry, I don't believe that is how forgiveness works.

I learn to let go...

Forgiveness is a process where I learn to let go.  It is where I allow myself to start disconnecting from all the horrors and hurt and pain I have been through.   It is about my own healing and discovering who I am.  It is about me learning to deal with the anger I have, the pain that permeates the deepest parts of my soul.  It is about letting go of it all and learning to walk forward without all of this.

Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook.  I fully hold the abusers in my life accountable for what they did.  It is their job to ask forgiveness of themselves and of me.  Until they do that, I will never let them off the hook.  I'm not even sure I could at that point either.

I don't care what my abusers wish from me and need from me.  They destroyed my life, so they no longer get the option of having that control or say in anything I do.  They gave that up when the violated me.

Forgiveness for me is letting go.  It is stepping away from all that hurt; not ignoring it, but working to move on in my life and heal my life.  It is about me becoming all that I can become.  It is about giving myself a chance for the future.

The only person I have any control over is myself, but if I harbor the anger and resentment toward those who did those things, it will have an impact on me physically.  That is not helpful for me.  Forgiveness is what I need to let go of and I do it by healing and becoming all that I am and was meant to be.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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When and How To Let Go and Forgive

One of the most common things I see online is memes where people make life seem so easy to live.   One such subject is they tell you that holding on to things in life is the worst thing you can do and that you need to let go.

While it is good to let go, it is often much more difficult than everyone makes it out to be.  It isn't always something as simple as writing a meme or sharing a meme online.  In fact, its a rather difficult process for most people and if it isn't, maybe a reviews is in order.

Letting go isn't a single moment in time, but it can be.  There is no timeline of when it should happen.  There is no one out there that can tell you when or how to let go.  It is all up to each one of us personally and individually.

I've seen people talk about forgiveness and make it out to be the most important focus in life.  Unfortunately for many folks, the concept of forgiveness has been so obliterated by certain segments of our society, that forgiveness is anything but a positive experience.  It doesn't stop people strongly pushing others and shaming them almost, into thinking that if you don't forgive, there's something wrong with you.

Forgiveness is a process...

Forgiveness is a process just like letting go.  It doesn't happen overnight.  It takes healing and a continual journey through your own life.  It isn't like you wake up one morning and the heavens have parted.  It is more in the way that you continue to let go of what is there and the more you do this, the more it no longer impacts your life.

Often, people tell others they need to forgive or let go because of how it makes them feel.  They may not have healed all these similar parts in their own life and so by you being in the place you are at, it makes them feel uncomfortable.  Often when we have not fully healed our own lives, we project that on to others and we identify with their pain as if it were our own.

Let forgiveness come naturally...

Don't get me wrong, because I know learning to forgive and letting go is an important part of advanced healing in one's life.  It doesn't mean you do that when you start out.  It means you focus on healing your life and let the forgiveness and letting go come naturally in its own time.

Too often we think that if we say the words or think the thoughts that we have forgiven someone and it will make everything better.  We may fool ourselves into believing this, but it may just be an opportunity to hide and bury all the baggage of life in a deeper closet.  We need to be careful that when we say we have forgiven or we have let go, that we truly mean that from our internal consciousness and awareness, not our ego brain or the need to placate others.

A long time ago, some people in a church had me come up front at the end of a service.  They laid hands on me and in prayer, they had me forgive my abusers.  Guess what?  That did far more damage to me, than any good that could have possibly come out of it.  I was not at the point of being ready to forgive.  Far too much of what had happened to me was still in that elusive state where I was not even ready to acknowledge its existence.

You see, we throw around memes all day long, but sometimes they can truly hurt those who have already been hurt.  We end up shaming people because they don't fall in line with how we see forgiveness or letting go or even if we are close to that point in our healing journey.  There is a time for anger and remembering and reliving.  No one can tell anyone at what point that needs to end.  It is all up to the individual person to find that path for them self.

Do everyone a favor in determining when and how to let go or forgive and let them find their way.  Allow it to unfold in whatever way it needs to and in the timeline it needs to appear.  Don't force it and don't create something that is not there.  Be okay with this moment because although it may be a very difficult time, it is part of your healing.  It is part of letting go and moving on in life.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Hurt The Ones You Love The Most

This is one of those things that I just thought was normal.  You see, when you've been through all kinds of childhood trauma, things that you go through just seem normal.  Often, you're not even aware that this isn't the way things work in life.  This topic is one of those moments.

I saw over and over how family members hurt one another.  It was common.  It was a standard practice.  It was as common as you, the reader, taking a breath every minute.  In fact, it was so normal to hear "we often hurt the ones you love" that I just thought hurting people was a daily practice that everyone did.

It gave you the license to beat your wife and your kids.  It gave you the license to molest and rape your children.  It gave you the license to treat those in the family any way you wanted because then you could just ask God to forgive you and claim, "we hurt the ones you love the most".

The empty explanation...

That was the explanation I would often get as my little body hurt from the pain of being beat or molested or raped.  That was the explanation I would see after the rage-filled screaming fits and beatings I would see inflicted on others in the family.  I learned to accept, "we hurt the ones you love the most" as something that took place in every family.

At the same time, I constantly heard that no matter what, family would always stick together.  Unlike strangers and outsiders, no one stood behind you like family did.  We needed to be proud of our family name and by god we would love one another no matter what.  Yes, but that included all the other stuff.

They ask God to forgive them...

It was probably more recently that I started to understand just how toxic and wrong this line of thinking is.  Having a friend monitor a family member, I could see this "we hurt the ones you love the most" statement play over and over again.  Then, they will go and ask God to forgive them.  Then, they will go and ask forgiveness of those they hurt, promising to never do it again.

Yep, its okay to beat your wife, your kids.  It's okay to molest and rape your kids.  It's okay because you can just wipe it away by asking forgiveness over and over and over again.  It resets everything according to those that inflict this pain, anger, and horror on others.

When I think of these moments that I've been through, I'm numb.  My mind and body want to disconnect.  I feel a sense of rage at those that did this stuff.  I struggle to make sense of it.

It's not right to inflict pain...

If you practice this "we hurt the ones you love the most" statement, then please stop everything today and go get the help you need.  This is not right.  It is not right to beat your wife or your kids.  It is not right to molest and rape them.  It is not right to watch them cower in the corner of the room hoping to escape the blows that were fast and furious.  It is not right to inflict the emotional pain upon them through the words you lash out against them.

You don't get to use the ask God to forgive you routine.  You may think it works.  Your friends may think it works.  Your church may think it works.  However, you don't get to use it.  After all, it means nothing because you'll go right back and do it all over again.  Maybe not the same day and maybe not the next day, but I'll put money on it that it will be in the same week.

It makes me sick to watch this unfold now and to know what we went through in the family.  I'm not proud of my family name.  In fact, I hate it.

Just know that if you love someone, you don't hurt them.  If you hurt them, it means you don't love them.  You can justify it all you want.  You can invoke God into it if you want, but it doesn't mean that you know the first thing about what true love is.  In fact, it means just the opposite.  So, quit trying to convince your friends, your church and those you harm that you're anything but hurt and evil and pain.

This post is written in memory of my mom for all she went through and for me attempting to take back my life from those who only saw me as someone they could harm through control, torture, and pain.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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Baptizing A Child Molester

Lord help me to not let my anger get the best of me.  Notice, I'm not saying "Lord help me to not be angry".  We're done past that point of no return.  I mean, after all, when I read the following, there is not much else I could do to stop that train into anger-ville.  It was on autopilot and it had already left the train station before I could even begin to put the brakes on.

Here's what got me very emotionally angry this morning - it was a post I saw.  I'll keep the name out of it, but the person that it belongs to, knows full well what is going on.

And before you decide to send me hate mail saying I'm bashing churches or religion, take some extra time and read my book and other articles on this blog.  It will help put this in context.  I'm not trying to bash anyone's religion, only what was done to me in the name of religion. Yes, I do realize there is a difference.

Forgiveness Haunts Survivors

For too many survivors, this single issue haunts them every day of their life.  Especially when you have been raised in a religious setting where you were brainwashed while abuse took place, the concept of forgiveness is like a knife being stabbed in your back.  To those that have not experienced this, they make the horrendous mistake of attempting to convince others that they must forgive in order to heal.

While forgiveness is a step of healing when the individual is ready for it, until they are at that point, it can be quite hurtful and harmful.  To clarify my statement, I'm referring to the mix-up in how forgiveness is often perceived and what it actually is to many people.  In all reality, forgiveness is not as cut and dried as people want everyone to believe.  It comes with a great deal of baggage that makes it one of the most difficult aspects of healing.

In my early days of life, I was raised in a church and forgiveness meant something totally different than it does in a healthy situation.  Forgiveness meant that you were to no longer talk about the "transgression or sin" that the person did.  It meant that event never happened of if you know it did, that you are now required to no longer see it as something that once happened.

Major Moment Of Embarrassment And Shame

The other day I went to a healer in South Florida by the name of Kathi Angeli.  I have been to her several times before and each time, it really helps me move forward in life, while letting go of long held energy blockages and finding forgiveness for experiences of my past that I encountered.  This session was no different and at first, I thought it was not going anywhere.  Lo and behold to my surprise, things got intense real quick and I was shocked at the event that came up.

Way back many years ago around the time I was 14 years old, there was an incident that happened with me and my younger brother.  I don't think I had hid this experience from my consciousness, but I never fully realized just what impact it had on my life.  In reality, I just chalked it up to another one of those experiences from my traumatic past that I had to heal and work through.  In fact, I thought I had worked through it, but then healing trauma is a process, not necessarily an end point like so many often believe.

In this experience, my mother (God rest her soul) who hardly ever whipped us, got upset with something my younger brother and I were doing.  I cannot even remember what it was to this day that sparked the whipping. I really doubt it was much of any significance.  In our house, the slightest breath could get you whipped.  I recognize she was having issues with my father and more than likely took that out on us, rather than dealing with it in her own life.

Forgiveness Is A Four Letter Word

The other day I saw a video of a brief part of interview between Piers Morgan and Tyler Perry.  In the interview Tyler Perry was answering questions about some of the abuse he suffered through at the hands of his father.  I remember when I went to the taping of the Oprah 200 Men episode, we heard directly from Tyler about this abuse and it strongly connected with my own experiences. 

On this segment of the video, Tyler was talking about forgiveness just like he did with the 200 male survivors that day at the Oprah studio.  In his view, if you don’t forgive you allow all of this stuff to stay inside of you and it affects you physically.  It prevents you from moving forward and getting beyond all that was done to you.

I could not agree more with Tyler Perry in his view, but at one time forgiveness was a four letter word to me.  I thought forgiveness meant I was letting that S.O.B. off the hook and there was no way I was going to do that.  I wanted the person(s) that abused me to suffer because I was so angry at what they did and the lingering effects upon my life.  In addition to these things, I was brainwashed by churches as to what forgiveness was all about and so it really screwed up my understanding.

Haunted By Forgiveness

NC Mountains
Haunted By Forgiveness

Some days it is easier to become overwhelmed by all the experiences I have encountered in life.  I am certain others could say the same.  Yet, I realize that these circumstances or experiences give us the opportunity to become more acquainted with our authentic self.

It is easy to look at our day through the eyes of despair, knowing that life is difficult.  No one could blame us at times because there are many that would not have enough courage to walk these paths.  As much as this is true and valid, there is another way to our journey through life.

For a long time, I struggled to begin forgiving those who had harmed me.  Of course, I had every right to feel the way I did, because I was deeply hurt and those feelings helped me find healing.  It was not until I began to replace a word that has haunted me, with a higher concept that makes more sense to me personally.  The word forgiveness is a haunting word and has so many negative connotations and meanings to me, because of my life's experiences.

YouTube Video On Forgiveness And Letting Go

I recently found this video on forgiveness and letting go and just had to share it on this blog.  Like many people in this world, I have struggled with forgiveness.  What I was taught that forgiveness was and what it actually is, are two different things.  For me, it was all about letting the abuser or offender off the hook and acting as if it never happened.

There is a very good reason why we are taught as children to do this especially in our family units.  If the parents feel guilty, than the best way for them to get rid of the guilt is to get you to act as if it didn't happen.  The subtle difference here in what forgiveness is truly about and what happens in many families is profound.

Forgiveness Is Not What I Was Taught

Through my searches on the internet, I found this great video about Forgiveness.  Forgiveness for me was taught in the Baptist Church but it was their view of it, not necessarily what forgiveness means.

It was used more as a weapon of control, after the monster beat my mom and whipped the daylights out of us.  It was used as a weapon of control as we sang praises in church while the monster sat close by after the night of showing God's love to us in our bedrooms.  I could go on of course, but hopefully you get the idea of how forgiveness was taught in our home.

I still remember one time in a church service after I was recovering from paralysis that they had me come to the front of the church.  They asked me to pray and forgive the monster.  At that time, I was not even sure what I was praying for.  I actually think that it meant more to the people who were praying over me than it did to my life.

Family and Forgiveness

Why do I desire that which so tormented and abused me throughout my life? My question I raise to myself is that of why do I long for this "Leave It To Beaver" family view when I know that is not reality for my life. I do not write these things as an attempt to derive pity from them. They are written as an attempt for me to confront them and understand these things.

When I see families enjoying each other and staying in touch or having fun at holiday celebrations, I become jealous, hurt and dazed. Yes, I remember some of those family times that we shared on holidays which I loved but yet, these same times were filled with some of the most horrible moments of abuse and trauma one could barely imagine. I do realize as well that some of these families that appear to be enjoying happy family events, are also enduring the hidden skeletons in the closet.

The trouble is that I realize I did not grow up in a nurturing, loving and caring family. My family was anything but that from the abuse to the daily torment .

However, I seem to struggle with my mind running wildly into the fields of family fantasy land, wishing that what was not there, in essence was reality. My mind fails to comprehend how life fell so short for me while my mind struggles to find the capacity to understand why I still long for that which I did not have.

Oh how I could go on and on, writing these things but still coming up short. My longing is for something I never had, nor will I ever have. It is like Oprah said, "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different."

Maybe my quest is not about reconciling a world of fantasy and reality but of learning to let go of the past and finding deeper forgiveness for myself. In all reality, I know that most likely I'm not alone in this quest.

I know I've come a long ways in my own healing and forgiveness, but at times like this, I see the struggle of a journey that continues. May I continue to come to a greater understanding of what forgiveness truly means just like many that are reading these words.


Further Reading:
1) Forgiveness Is Difficult (Blog Post 5/15/11)
2) End Of The Oprah Era (Blog Post 6/1/11)



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Forgiveness Is Difficult

Through very personal moments, I find that forgiveness can be extremely difficult. When you are hurt by people you care about, it is easy to feel confused, upset, and angered. However, forgiveness is the most difficult step after the point of being hurt.

Yes, I realize now, forgiveness is all about letting go and while that sounds like a simple and dignified definition, it isn't always that easy. Everyone has their own opinion as to what forgiveness means from the strict religious view and interpretations there of, to the new age philosophies that are abundant.

For me, I've traveled through some difficult waters many times over in my life. Once again, I'm reminded of the turbulent oceans beneath my feet. When you get used and abused regardless of what form it takes, the hurts and pains attack as an army attacks its enemy. It is relentless and full of power, or so it seems to be that way.

As you add some codependent guilt and shame on top of the hurt, it makes the process of letting go that much more difficult. It becomes something that is not only the energy of your own process but has attached to it, the energy of others. Cutting the cords of attachment between the two is sometimes only accomplished through a highly skillful surgical approach.

All too often, there are moments of forgiveness that are met with lonesomeness since the people that hurt us often shun us or close their ears to what we try to express. In those moments, we must tread on through our journey and continue to learn to let go of those pains and hurts.

It is not easy no matter how you look at it or slice it in pieces. The hurts are still there but in order for us to move forward and reclaim our life, we have to let go. If we don't forgive at some point, we are harboring all that was done to us and giving it much more power than it deserves.

For a long time, I struggled with this concept and slowly I am beginning to understand it. Once again, through an event I was involved with, the lesson has reared its ugly head. I do realize that forgiveness has nothing to do with the other person but has everything to do with how I see myself and love myself. Yet, my mind struggles to comprehend these things.

The final note I want to share is that forgiveness is a process. It is about learning to let go and allowing the hurts and pains to be felt, experienced and realized. Forgiveness is not something you do in some special ceremony where poof, the magic dragon is slayed. It is not someone standing up and proclaiming, I forgive you (although that can definitely help). I would suggest that forgiveness is something that is ongoing and one day you wake up realizing that the hurts and pains of the past hold no further power over you. Then, at that moment, you have forgiven what was done to you.


Further Reading
1) Finding Self Forgiveness and Self Love
2) Forgiveness For Survivors Of Sexual Abuse
3) Release It, Let It Go (Pg 97 - Hope And Possibility Through Trauma)



Blog Post & Images (c) 5/2/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Letting Go Of Painful Moments

It seems like there are so many times in our life where we suffer through loss, disappointment, neglect and hurt at the hands of other people. If you are highly sensitive like I am, these moments can almost be devastating to deal with. I wish I was like others at times that seem to just let these moments wash off their back. Unfortunately, my highly sensitive nature makes it much more difficult.

Recently, I've felt the neglect and hurt in my life as some either seemed to have abused and used me or they just felt that I wasn't worth their time anymore. Talk about a knife being stabbed into the heart, that is what it felt like. It hurts more than I want to let on at times and there are moments where I just want to cry forever.

Through all of this, I've dealt with anxiety, nervousness, tension and depression. I don't let go easily and when the pain comes along, I hurt all the way through every muscle fiber of my body. Yet, somehow, I keep going. I don't know how, but I do. That is most likely a good thing because if I acted upon the despair, it would not be pretty.

The one thing I have learned though, is to just let myself feel the pain, the hurt, and all the other emotions that are coming up. If I try to stop them or alter them in any way, they just find another way to show up. The more I just allow myself to be in the moment, feeling all that is going on in my heart, the more I know I'll come through this. Yes, it gets dicey at times to feel this, but somehow, I seem to find the strength to go on.

While forgiveness is not an easy concept for me, I do find that the more I focus on forgiving the person(s) for what they did to me, the more I can let go. Yet, to let go, I have to feel all the emotions and that is the difficult part. I wish it was easier but then if I felt nothing in all of this, would I be human?

I can't help but think of Oriah Mountain Dreamer's poem, "The Invitation" which means so much to me. The following part of her poem is the one that speaks the loudest right now during this time. I'll leave you with this quote from her book.

From Page 2, The Invitation (by Oriah Mountain Dreamer)
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

Further Reading:
1) Holding On And Not Letting Go
2) Get Over It


Blog Post & Images (c) 4/24/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Bag Of Potatoes

This is something that was going around the internet and while I usually don't give these things much credibility, I thought this had a nice moral to the story that fit on this blog. If the person who wrote this is reading my blog, please let me know and I'll be glad to give you credit for this work as I do not know who wrote this.

Bag of Potatoes
By: Author Unknown

One of my teachers had each one of us bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes to class. For every person we'd refuse to forgive in our life, we were told to choose a potato, write on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of our bags, as you can imagine, were
quite heavy.

We were then told to carry this bag with us everywhere for one week, putting it beside our bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to our desk at work.

The hassle of lugging this around with us made it clear what a weight we were carrying spiritually, and how we had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget, and keep leaving it in embarrassing places.

Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty slime. This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and heavy negativity!

Too often we think of forgiveness as a gift to the other person, and while that's true, it clearly is also a gift for ourselves!



Blog Post & Images (c) 4/1/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Finding Self-Forgiveness and Self Love

In "Learning From The Light", Dr. Lerma shares more angelic messages given to his patients and more stories from survivors who have experienced the loss of a loved one and their visits with angels. The following is one quote from the book that I found very insightful but the stories within the book are much more depictive of what the following quote really means.

The way to God is through self-forgiveness. The way to self-forgiveness is through self love. The way to self-love is through seeking God.

- page 249, Dr. John Lerma, "Learning From The Light"

Forgiveness For Survivors of Sexual Abuse

Growing up in the house that I did, forgiveness meant something very different than what I am now learning that it means. The concept I was taught in church was to basically forgive and forget. It was a way of thinking that nothing ever happened and like the person you were forgiving basically never did anything wrong. For it was taught that this was between you and the other person and that to remember any part of the transgression meant you had not let go of it or forgiven the person.

I remember in one church I was going to, they had me come to the front of the church towards the end of the service. Most likely they had great intentions but their actions were very traumatic to me and little did I recognize it at the time. They had me kneel down and they laid their hands on my head (might have even anointed me with some type of oil) and then prayed that I would forgive and forget what these abusers has done to me. I went through the actions but you know what - nothing changed in my life. In all reality, I was in the grief and anger period of my recovery and to stop that process is in itself traumatizing.

What I am now realizing about forgiveness is that it really has nothing to do with the relationship you have to the person that has caused you wrong. It has nothing to do with forgetting what happened to you. It is not something that you need to beat yourself up if you are able to forgive at this moment or just hearing these words makes you feel angry. It is not about letting the abuser off the hook or remotely saying that what they did is okay. Forgiving is not about saying you cannot be angry at what the person did to you.

Forgiveness is a process and one that takes time to happen. It is not a one time event of prayer or repetition of some stated thought that brings you to the state of forgiveness. In fact, it is most likely not an exact moment in time although it may build up to that. If you're at a point where this entire concept angers you and you find yourself saying, there is no way I can ever forgive my abuser for what they did to me, you are fine just where you are at. I have walked in those same shoes and cursed those that proclaimed I had to forgive my abusers because I was not ready to even go down that part of my healing.

To me, forgiveness is about letting go and learning to let go of the effects of what happened to me. God knows I have the right to be angry at what they did to me. The sexual abuse I suffered through was horrific. However, I am now learning that this process of forgiveness is about me learning to let go of all the energy that I hold within my body relating to the abuse. It has nothing to do with the people that did these things because it is more about me finding deeper healing within myself.

The more I hold on to these events and allow them to control my life, the more I am hurting myself. The more I allow these people in my past to inflict their shame upon me and influence every part of my life, the more I am giving up of myself. By allowing myself to begin the process of reclaiming my life and taking back my power, I am in fact, letting go of the harmful effects of what these abusers did to me. I am offering myself up to forgiveness because I am allowing my life to connect with who I truly am. I am discovering myself and embracing all parts of myself. That is what forgiveness means to me.

It is a process and not just a single moment that sometimes takes years to comprehend. The more you allow yourself to go down into this part of healing, the more life becomes something worth living for and you begin to realize your true potential. As you begin to learn how to forgive yourself, you start to reclaim your power, your energy and the essence of who you are. In these moments, you become more human and rightfully take your place in the universe. You may find that forgiveness is a process that unfolds and then rests for awhile but picks up again in the future and allows you to go deeper into forgiveness.

Never let anyone tell you that forgiveness means you must forget what happened to you or indicate that you somehow have to contact the abuser in order to do this. This process is about your own healing journey and you accepting yourself completely and becoming more aware of yourself. It is a process and sometimes it takes a considerable length of time. Sometimes you may not even realize it is happening until you look back a few miles and see that you have actually moved into forgiveness of your own life. We all have our journey to walk and each journey is different. The important point is to remember that we need to keep walking on our journey no matter how difficult it may get.

(c) 11/9/10 by Don Shetterly - Use by permission only.

The Pain Within The Body Grows

I'm posting this on here but please be forewarned that it wasn't easy to write and I'm sure it is not easy to read. Please take care of yourself if you decide to read this.

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Last night my body was hurting pretty bad and very tense/tight/stiff. My neck/mid and upper back especially sometimes going into my low back. Breathing was difficult as if it was almost impossible and my chest/lungs hurt. This morning, the pain intensified and was getting to the point I couldn’t take much more of it. My body was feeling exhausted and depressed.

So I went and jumped in the pool and started just pushing the water around with my arms trying to let the anger and emotions flow through that were coming up. I was taking a lot of frustrations out on the water and then I got to the point of just screaming underneath the water and hitting my arms in the water as hard as I could. It didn’t take long to get to a point of exhaustion and then I laid in one of the recliner pool chairs that we have. As I moved my arms, I could feel my body release in many ways and shake and tremble. Knowing what that’s about, I just let it happen and kept focusing on moving and breathing. Finally my breath did like the polar bear video and just went deep and then let go.

By that time, I was exhausted and I just let my body lay there for some time (until the rain storm came up). But my mind began to be flooded with so many words. I think of it as John Boy Walton used to say, that sometimes I get so much in my head going around, I just have to put it down on paper. This was one of those times. I just had to write. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. When I was done writing (through all the tears and emotions that were coming up), my body gave a big sigh of relief. Much of the pain and stiffness in my body had left, although some residual pain/stiffness was still around. I let the words of what I wrote, sink in and let myself cry as hard as my body wanted to.

When Jeff got home, I told him I wanted to go to the beach because I wanted to read what I wrote to the Ocean. So off we went. It was hard reading the words but I really wanted to have the sounds of them go out from me. It was a release and I knew the ocean was big enough to take them. When I finished through the crying and emotions that came up as a result, my body felt a sense of peacefulness and resolve. We spent the next hour just walking along side the ocean right next to the surface taking in the ocean sounds.

There’s a little residual pain/stiffness I notice in myself but it is a far different feel than just a few hours earlier. I’m feeling more like I can do this instead of feeling overwhelmed. I’ll probably get in the pool and do some more movement stuff tomorrow to keep it flowing through. This one was a rough one and it sure hit me pretty hard. The good thing is, I found a way through it.

Here's what I wrote:

The pain within my body grows as fast as a weed drenched by buckets of water. It has no end. The pain continues. Every nook and cranny of my body hurts and screams out as if a giant club is whacking it over and over. Every muscle fiber and cell dreams of a day when the pain ends, the back no longer hurts and the body moves with ease. It hurts and I want to scream. It hurts and I want to cry. It hurts but alas this is just another day.

I cry out looking for someone to fix this, someone to take this away, someone to just bring an end to it. I search for the path through it hoping to escape the pain my body endures. I long to listen to the answers for all the questions that I have and that hound me every day and night I take a breath. I beg for an end to this nightmare called life. Some days when I feel I have the strength to go on, a thief comes and robs me of all energy I can muster up.

My wonderings travel into the amusement of some sick entity that is enjoying all the pain I suffer through. My heart feels a burden of a million knives that were jammed through it. My eyes have seen so many things they wish to forget and my arms have been held back as a prisoner wanting to escape its captors.

Everything around me seems to trigger an episode of epic proportions with no logical analysis to grasp. The facts don’t add up. The observations fall short. The sounds, the smells, the touches all seem as one army united against me that my eyes cannot see. Yet, I know it exists. Its surprise awaits me with each glimpse of a night time sky or sun filled day. The triggers they come and go, almost as if they are the thief I run from. They rob me of everything. They steal me blind. How can I go on?

It is almost paralyzing when the pain begins to grown. The anger sits on the sideline as it becomes my world. The anger within me grows pushing the pains that I feel to the breaking point of no return. I so long, to notice the flowers, not the storms. I long to feel the soft gentle waves of the ocean, not the rocks hidden below the surface. I so long to feel normal, safe and secure. I so long to feel my body instead of trying to outrun it.

Yet the images, the sounds, the smells and the touches that flood my conscious mind are enough to create one of the scariest movies ever known. From the starring role of my father as the snake, to the smells of his breath masquerading as onions, garlic, and seafood as he forcefully tells a little boy to shut up and take it like a man. If such a movie was made, no one would believe it. No one would even dream this up for no rational mind could create such a scene. My mind though knows this is more than a movie.

As you bring in the supporting characters of my mom and two brothers, you begin to see the story unfold. There I am crouched down behind a chair hoping to not get what I had coming to me for whatever it was that I did. No one was home at the time of course so he had his free way with me. There was no one to stop him. And as his breath flooded the smells around me, my eyes wanted to cry out in tears. As the tears began to well up with me, I felt his big hand slap me so hard, that it was all I could do to keep track of where I was. It was as if I had been knocked into another dimension waiting for some spaceship to come rescue me. There was nothing of course that I could do. It was my cross to bear and my existence to obey him for that was what God wanted me to do. God was love after all. God was in control. God was my heavenly father as seen through my eyes of my real father.

Moment after moment, it hurt. He didn’t stop. I can remember it as if it is happening right in this moment. No, I didn’t forget it. Sorry Mr. Snake, I didn’t forget it. You wanted me to and you begged me to. In fact, you commanded me to. But my body remembered, my mind remembered and my heart shielded it for an eternity. I wanted to beg you, plead with you to stop but those silent murmurs would be met with a heavy hand of God’s discipline and love.

I want right now just to beat the shit out of you. I’d like to see hurt just like you hurt me. I have absolutely no use for you. The world has no use for you. You horrible excuse of a human; if you can be called that much.

And then the movie continued on taking in its role for the supporting actors. Little did they know what to expect when they arrived home that day. They thought it was just a shopping trip into town not expecting a thing. The gasp of screams they let out when they walked in the door. The horrors only known to the worst of criminals were unfolding before them. They couldn’t look away quick enough. They couldn’t run away quick enough. For it was right there in plain sight whether they wanted to see it or not. The horror they must have felt if they felt anything, would be very difficult but of course I’ll never for sure.

I remember my mom screaming, what in the hell are you doing as my dad stopped for a moment. The weight of his body on mine was crushing in defeat and silencing to my breath. For a moment, the pain subsided but it didn’t go away. All I remember hearing is for my mom to tell my brothers to go to their room and my father telling her to leave him the fuck alone. She wasn’t about to listen though and that was such a dumb thing for her to do. For I knew what was coming and there was no sense in the both of us suffering through the pain. But finally for a moment, the pain stopped and the weight of his fuckin body eased. I caught my breath and laid there exposed to the world not wanting to move an inch, not being able to move an inch.

As he got up, I saw him in all his ugliness as he tried to pull his pants up. In the process, I saw him remove his belt and take a swing. One swing, two swings, I lost count. She went down to the floor covering her face from the blows. She screamed out in pain. She gasped for a breath. But he didn’t stop. He continued yelling and telling her that she had no business trying to stop him. She would learn not to ever do this again. She just cried and cried and cried in between the screams and the gasps for breath. He did not stop until he was exhausted.

I wanted to stop him. I couldn’t stand to see her in this way. I couldn’t stand to see him hitting her and it was all because of me. If she wouldn’t have walked in on him doing what he was doing to me, this would not have happened. She’d be home scott free with no pain. What did I do wrong to cause this? What did I do to deserve this?

To this day, I can never apologize enough to my mom for the hurts and pains she endured. I cannot take it back and make it stop, nor could I then. But yet, she was trying to stand up for me and look where it got her. He was in the starring role of the movie as the snake. The snake that was so cunning is stupid. The snake that would startle your world at a second’s notice not knowing what God was going to do to you at that moment.

My eyes have cried many silent tears during my life but as I write this, my eyes are so filled with tears that the screen is difficult to see. And yet there are not enough tears to soothe my aching soul or my painful body. There aren’t enough screams to fill the void this has left in my life or the absence of my mom. I’m left with an emptiness of what should be in life and a longing for what I so badly needed then and now.

Is there any way to make sense of this? Most likely there is not! Is there any way to justify what this horrible excuse of a human did to me? Most likely there is not! Somehow, I’ve got to pick up the pieces of my life if I can find them, and piece them together into who I really am but do not know. I long for the design of my life but yet, the instructions are in some unreadable language – the language of pain.

The journey I’ve walked down has led me to a better moment but the pains, the fears, the unknowns still lurk beside my path. I’d love to be able to say, that all of this no longer impacts me and I can just let it go but when the pains rear their ugly head within my body, I’m once again reminded of something I’d rather forget. Can I forgive him? I want to speak words saying yes, I can because I need to but somehow in my heart, the pains I endured fuel a vengeance of disbelief and confusion towards him in what he did. The mind of a little boy is still confused and the heart remembers just as the body does.

Now as my writing closes, so does the pain ease that has been flooding my body each moment.