Here's what got me very emotionally angry this morning - it was a post I saw. I'll keep the name out of it, but the person that it belongs to, knows full well what is going on.
And before you decide to send me hate mail saying I'm bashing churches or religion, take some extra time and read my book and other articles on this blog. It will help put this in context. I'm not trying to bash anyone's religion, only what was done to me in the name of religion. Yes, I do realize there is a difference.
Today I am getting baptised in our second serv at (name withheld Baptist Church)....I accepted christ as my personal Lord and savior of my life after many years of of living in sin and believing in my head i was saved but god was never in my heart ...now he is and i stand in obedience to him in joining in believers baptism this morning at our church....praise God for saving me.!!!!
While this may sound like a good thing to those who's life is centered in a Baptist church, let me tell you, it is not. If you translate what this means, it means that okay people it is time for you to forgive me for how I molested you, abused you and treated you in the past. Yet, by forgive, a more correct translation of what this means is that you need to forget I did all of these things to you. You can roll your eyes at me all you want, but this "good act" this person is doing is not what it appears to be.
All my life, I've seen monsters do this act of being saved and then getting baptized so they can control and manipulate those that they have molested, abused, and beaten. I've seen it with more than one individual and so this charade is nothing new to me. It is despicable because I'm sure the people in the church will welcome him into their flock without as much as a second thought. Most likely the majority of them don't know what his history is and if they do, they tend to close their eyes and overlook it. Again, I'm speaking from experience so if you want to act high and mighty with me, you need to step to the back of the line.
If you've read my book, you will know the full breadth of what I am talking about and this isn't just a small little event in my day. In fact, when I read it, I became enraged to the point that I seriously wanted to do some harm. Reading this about made me puke. It felt like a major emotional kick to the gut because this person has never once acknowledged what they did. Why am I not surprised? Most child molesters act as if they have done nothing wrong. If you don't believe me, just look at some of the recent high profile child molesting stories in the news (hint - Sandusky).
As the anger started to overwhelm me, I felt it go directly to the core of my being. My muscles began to tense up and I felt the pain of the anger within each muscle fiber. I felt lost and numb trying to bring myself back to a sense of normalcy. Yet, I struggled and the pain within my body intensified.
After some time, I began thinking about all of the events of this morning and wondering why it was hitting me so hard. I thought I had done enough work on it and was surprised to see it staring me in the face one more time. I realized though that I was still carrying part of this baggage around with me and it is not something I need any longer. At one time the anger helped me survive some very difficult days of healing, but now it serves no purpose for me. I don't need any of this any longer.
If this person feels they must go on living a lie and covering it up with religion, well, that is something they will have to answer for in their life. I can't change that. The only thing I can change is how I react to it and what I do to continue healing myself. I've come such a long ways, but I recognize there are still layers of deeper healing and as long as I allow myself to heal those, than I will make it. If I let the anger win out, then I have lost. Please note that I"m not saying anger is a bad thing. It is how I choose to deal with it that can either be healing or limiting.
Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've seen this happen. I've been down this road before and it is why the concept of forgiveness is so difficult for me. I realize now that forgiveness is more about me letting go of the past, than it is letting the abuser off the hook. In the wake of how I was brainwashed and manipulated with forgiveness by my family and the church, my mind still struggles to fully understand.
Blog Post And Images (c) 9/22/13 by Don Shetterly
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