Trying to write was nearly impossible. Trying to shake hands with anyone was excruciating. Sleeping or moving around would bring on moments of major pain. Attempting to grasp anything with my right hand was like an exercise in futility. No matter what I did, the pain would not go away.
I could do relaxation type exercises and while it would feel good temporarily, the moment I started to attempt to function again, the pain would come on with a vengeance. It was as if to say, "you think you're going to get rid of me that easy - think again oh buddy boy - it ain't going to happen". While I would try to walk away in disgust, it did no good because I had to take my hand and shoulder along with me and also the pain.
I figure if I would have gone to a regular medical doctor with this pain, they would have diagnosed it as carpal tunnel or shoulder impingement or some other name and condition. More than likely I would have been looking at medication of some type and possibly surgery. While that may have solved the problem in the short term, it would have been a temporary fix, ignoring what laid beneath the emotional, mental and spiritual planes of the body.
Today was my session with Unified Therapy (Dr. Paul Canali - Evolutionary Healing Institute). If you've been reading my blog for any time or have read my book, you will have undoubtedly heard about Dr Canali. The work he does is light years beyond where modern medicine can take us.
Going into the session, I struggled to stay present. I wanted to get up and run off the table. I didn't want to feel this pain. At the time, I had no way to put it into words or even begin to describe what was going on. It was just pain and the more we focused on it, the more intense it got. At one point, the pressure the person was putting on it as I focused and breathed into it was probably lighter than a feather touching something.
As we went deeper, I kept trying to stay present because I knew it would be so easy for me to check out. The pain was intense, and normally I can't stand much pain at all. We kept inching along, focusing and breathing and staying connected. As we continued, the apprehension and anxiety and fear picked up. My body needed to go there, but my mind was saying "leave me the heck out of this."
At one point, the therapist was barely touching the palm of my hand and yet the pain of fear was shooting through every cell of my body. It wasn't real pain in the moment, but more an emotional pain of a long past connection that I so wished to forget. It was a pain of trauma and horror that is still difficult for me to comprehend.
I began to cry and my tears were flowing from very deep within my body. They were coming from a era that was almost forgotten. My tears overwhelmed me and they stung with every twinge I felt. I so badly wanted the therapist to stop. I wanted her to stop touching my hand. It was painful, fearful, anxious and horrendous. How dare anyone touch me there! How dare I allow anyone!
As the therapist kept reminding me that I was in control and that I could stop any of it at any point, I knew deep down in that very sacred place of my body that I had to go into the pain to release it. The therapist reminded me that sometimes we have to wade through the muddy swamp before we find dry land. Oh my, is that ever hard to do in moments like this.
The tears fell deep and using my mind to continue connecting with what I was feeling in my hand, I could feel the pain of fear in my hand shoot through my lungs and abdomen, down my arm, and into my leg. It felt like it was possessing my body and desperately trying to hang on and not let go. It felt like it wanted to hold me tight and not allow me to find a moment's peace beyond the pain.
It was then that I began to verbalize the images coming to my mind. These are parts of the layers of life that I struggle to fully let go and integrate into my whole being. The images of people much larger than me jumping up and down on my body as it was pinned to the ground. The images of people raping and molesting me as one would pin me down on the floor or the bed. These are the images that I am faced to live with and try to heal with from years past.
You see, I protect my hands now from other people. I don't let you touch my hands very easily without being very cautious about what your motives are. I never realized that I did this until today, but I learned very early in life to do this in order to survive. In fact I learned it so well, that it seems as normal to me as taking a breath of air.
Yet, protecting my hands from other people comes at a price. It means I don't get to connect intimately with another in my life. Holding hands is the same in my mind as being pinned down. It is difficult for my body and my mind to comprehend the difference. I'd like to say this is fully resolved, but then I know that this is the first time I've come this far on connecting pain in my hand with anything that happened to me.
As all of this was coming together, I felt the hands of an angel upon my legs. I checked in with the therapist to see if someone else was touching my legs and they assured me there was not. It was then that I realized it was my angels standing with me, helping show me that I was not alone and I never have been alone. It was a beautiful moment with much more than I wish to share in a public setting.
With the pain beginning to subside, my body began to release heat and switch to a breathing pattern that was one of connectedness, not fear. I felt my body begin to slowly release the tension I had been holding throughout my body and allowing it to just let go. I felt myself slipping off into the deep sense of joy and peace that comes after an intense session like this.
Yes, you go into the pain and that's not always easy, but when you come out to the other side, it is a peace and joy that is so hard to describe. It is beautiful and welcomed and something that you don't want to leave or let go of in that moment. If you feel this moment I'm describing, you will definitely understand what I'm talking about because I've never experienced any other type of body work that takes you this deep into the essence of what our life is.
I'm writing this a few short hours after my session is over and there is no pain in my hand. I can type, write, and grasp things without any problem. My arm and shoulder are pain free. My body feels lighter and is at ease in how it moves and breathes. I feel more alive and ready to once again face the world.
Healing isn't about thinking positive thoughts or feeling one way or the other. Healing is about traveling into those moments of life and feeling them without reservation so we can reclaim all that is meant for our life. It isn't a one time event, but a process of moving through the layers and recovering everything piece by piece. It is a beautiful part of our existence and humanness. It is part of our conscious body that we are meant to be one with in life. This is the essence of life.
Blog Post And Images (c) 9/20/13 by Don Shetterly
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