When Your Body Hurts

Sometimes we as humans make things far too difficult.  When your body hurts, it is time to stop in life and take stock of what is happening.  Body pain and hurts is signaling to you that something is wrong and you need to pay attention.

Unfortunately, we as humans tend to reach for the pain pills or rush to the doctor at the first sign of body pain.  We don't stop and take inventory of our life, or if we do, we feel like were too busy to do anything about it.  So we continue pushing ourselves and propping ourselves up with stimulants, drugs, and constant activity in order to keep us going.  However, the more we do this, the more we are playing into a never ending cycle of pain, physical destruction and approaching the edge of no return.

When your body hurts, the first thing to do is stop and take an inventory of your life.  What is happening in your life, emotionally, mentally and spiritually (and I'm not talking religion either).  Usually there are events taking place that have led up to the body issues or there is emotional turmoil going on within your life.  You may be unaware of it, but that doesn't mean it exists.

Is Anger Good Or Bad?

Is Anger Good Or Bad?

I often see many people fearful of anger and exclaiming how bad anger is for your life.  In some instances, I have even seen people portray anger as something that should not be present in your life.  There is an ever growing trend in our society that anger is not healthy.

Yet, in my view, anger is a healthy emotion.  It is normal.  It is part of who we are and the range of emotions we experience.  Anger is something that can push us forward in life or help bring about changes that need to happen.  It is part of our existence, no matter how much we want to believe otherwise.  For without anger, how can we truly know what peace is?  Having one emotion without the other is not living a balanced life.

I believe the difficulty comes in that we truly don't understand what anger is in our lives.  What we have seen of anger is some big mean monster screaming in a rampage and destroying everything within reach.  I may be exaggerating a little but I think in many respects, that is the view of anger in our world.  Yes, these people do exist and we all see them every day from the table pounding people in a business meeting to the fathers taking it out on their children or even the person who loses it and screams in a tirade against some injustice.  We all know them and we've all experienced them in our life.

My Shoulder Hurts

One of my recurrent body pains is showing up again.  It would be easy for me to proclaim that the reason is a result from going to the fitness center.  As believeable as I could make that story out to be, I know it would be innacurate to some degree.

Yes, I do have a physical limitation in my shoulder that I am sure would show up on xrays and tests as being a shoulder impingement.  Unfortunately, that would be too easy of an explanation as well and if I got lost in that scenario, I would not be furthering my healing along from the pain.

You see, the pain isn't there 100% of the time.  Working out at the gym after a period of inactivity can sometimes inflame the situation.  Clicking a mouse all day long on my computer can also affect my hand, shoulder and neck.  However, I know that I can go for many days or weeks or months and experience no pain.

Embrace The Pain - Part 3

This is part 3 of a three part series. Please read Part 1 and Part 2 as background information to this post. Suggestion #1 and Suggestion #2 (click on the links)


Suggestion #3:

Find a quiet place away from distractions. Get comfortable like on a massage table or somewhere where you are supported and it feels good. Begin by just allowing yourself to sense your body and do a scan of all that you are aware of or may not be aware of at this point.

If you have body pains that are surfacing, take a moment to just be there with it and allow your mind to focus on it. If you don't feel any body pains at the moment, just continue to explore your body with your mind and see all that you can pick up. What is tight, tense, soft, hard, cold, warm, heavy, light, and so on and so forth. Just allow yourself to be there in the moment, sensing and feeling and discovering every part of your body that you can find. It may take a few minutes before you start really sensing and feeling anything. Early on, when I began to do this, it took me considerable time to start sensing things in my body.

As you begin to feel whatever it is in your body, use your breath to help you connect with that area of your body. You can picture your breath filling up that area of your body including every cell, tissue and muscle fiber. Allow yourself to focus your attention here and just be here in this moment. Keep focusing and sensing in your body.

Whatever you are picking up, especially if it is pain or an unease, these things may intensify. Often before they dissipate, they will intensify. If it gets too intense, just focus your attention on a place in your body that feels safe or focus on a sound close by or even focus on the space between your eyes.

Some of these things are not always easy to do alone because having a safe person that you trust and that can just hold the space open is very helpful. You can do a considerable amount on your own but if you need a trusted safe person to hold the space for you, by all means invite them into your time of connection.

Remember, our minds are very protective of our bodies and usually the mind knows what the body needs and the body knows what it needs. It is not going to take you further into this process than you are willing to go. Fear may come up as a result of this and as long as you allow yourself to face the fears, than you can continue focusing and moving through whatever it is that you feel.

During all of this, emotions may or may not come up. It is possible that you will feel trembling, shaking or vibration throughout your body. You might feel intense heat, cold or other changes. Your nose might feel very stuffed up. There could be an intensification of the pain in that moment but remember, that often it can intensify just before it dissipates. All of these things are okay and even though it may feel rough in the moment, if you allow them to run their course and dissipate, there will be peace on the other side. It sometimes feel much more intense than it really is and that is usually the fears which are blowing things into a greater proportion than what is truly happening. Keep in mind that this is normal and okay.

Allow the process to unfold and continue. If it gets too intense, just take yourself back to a safe place in your body or focus on a sound or even focus on the space between your eyes. You don't have to do this entire process all at once. Give yourself the necessary time to do what it needs to do rather than pushing or judging the process.

As you continue to allow the process to unfold, your body will experience a deeper connection to your own awareness and healing. Keep your body moving if that means nothing more than stretching and contracting your arms or legs. The more you can get your body to do slight and slow movements during this process, the more all of this potential energy will dissipate from your body. You want the movements to be connected with your mind so that you can feel every part of that movement.

When you get through the moments that have kicked things up inside of you, you will get to a point where the breath will correct itself and often give you a very deep breath like a big sigh of relief almost. You will notice your body dropping down and becoming more relaxed and more peaceful. When you reach this point, allow yourself time to just be in the moment and experience all of this. For the hard work that you go through, the peace is the point that really allows the healing to come in and take hold within your body. It is the time when you process all that has happened and your awareness and consciousness opens up in ways you most likely have not seen.

Remember, don't judge how far you get into this process or if it is right or wrong. Just experience all of it and allow it to be there. What I just described here may take you considerable time and different sessions with yourself to actually get into things and connect with your body. There is no race to the finish because as you become more aware of yourself, you will discover many more layers that you can go into. It is like peeling the layers of an onion. When you peel off one layer, there is another layer below it but you can't see that layer until you peel off the first layer.



Further Reading:
1) Dr. Paul Canali, Evolutionary Healing
2) Fear Of Dentist posted on July 6, 2010
3) Embrace The Pain - Part 1 (Posted 1/28/11)
4) Embrace The Pain - Part 2 (Posted 1/29/11)



Blog Post & Images (c) 1/28/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Embrace The Pain - Part 2

This is part 2 of a three part series. Please read Part 1 as background information to this post.

When you experiencee body pain, keep in mind that pain is the body's messenger. Don't try to ignore it or rush to the medicine cabinet in your house. Instead, take a moment and stop, allowing you to go within yourself.

At this time, consider all that is going on in your life and the events leading up to when you began noticing the pain. The events I am referring to include the emotional stressors or other events that you have experienced. Usually there is a connection between the two and going within to connect this awareness is a powerful healer and game changer.

In the following explanation, here are some things that you can do to help connect your mind and body together. You can be as creative as you want to be and by no means are the following procedures the only way you can do this. This is just a guide and a framework to help you connect your mind and your body. I have included suggestion #1 and suggestion #2 in this post. Come back tomorrow for part 3 of this series where suggestion #3 will be discussed.

Suggestion #1

This is an easier way of quickly connecting the mind to the body and you can do this anywhere you are at. It could be in a chair at your desk, standing in a line at the store, lying in bed at night or just about anywhere. A quiet place can help but I have done this in many places and no one even knows I am doing it.

If you are feeling some pain in the body or just wanting to give yourself a moment of deep connection and relaxation, try this easy method. Focus on the body part and begin directing your breath to that area. You can visualize that you are filling the body part up with your breath as you bring good things into it. Then you can visualize using your exhale to take that which you don't need in your life away. It only takes a few minutes of really focusing your breath with intention to an area of your body and you can bring great change to those areas. I have walked many people through this on a massage chair in a few minutes while getting a chair massage. It is not as hard as it may seem and the more you try it, the easier it will be to do.


Suggestion #2

I got this idea from listening to Eckhart Tolle speak with Oprah about his book "A New Earth". In the short exchange he had with all the listeners, he had everyone spend 30 seconds and just focus on their breath. That was it! We know 30 seconds is not a long time but if you truly just focus on your breath for that short period of time, it will center you and bring you back into your body. You can do this just about anywhere.

Many people never pay attention to their breath and so often, we don't breathe like we need to. We barely pull enough oxygen into our bodies to run our cells and muscles, yet we expect our bodies to perform, nonstop stressful paces during our day. So as you are reading this, take 30 seconds and just focus on your breath. Let me know how you feel after you did this.


Remember, come back tomorrow for part 3 of this series and suggestion #3.


Further Reading:
1) Dr. Paul Canali, Evolutionary Healing
2) Fear Of Dentist posted on July 6, 2010
3) Embrace The Pain - Part 1 (Posted 1/28/11)
4) Embrace The Pain - Part 3 (coming tomorrow)




Blog Post & Images (c) 1/28/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Embrace The Pain - Part 1

At one time, I could not stand any type of body pain, and I'm sure most people probably do not like body pain either. However, I have learned through some intense healing work with Dr. Canali, that pain is a messenger of the body. It is there for a reason and if we embrace the body pain, we can move toward a greater awareness and consciousness.

Pain is a feedback mechanism from the body and the mind to our consciousness that tells us something needs our attention. If I allow myself to work with the pain and to embrace the pain, it will find its way out, as long as I don't stop it by my fears and unwillingness to let go of what is trying to surface. It is just not productive to focus on wanting to get rid of the pain.

Pain is not present in my life every day but when it comes up, I try to listen to it because it is a messenger. Most people live with pain every day but are not even aware of it in their body. They are not able to see this part but it impacts their life in dramatic ways.

Many times when doing massage work, I have seen first hand the times that people were in deep pain but they just did not feel it. The majority of humans are numb to what they feel, or so overwhelmed by all the pain that the felt sense has been blocked because it can no longer take in everything that is going on. It isn't until some focus is put on the body and the body is listened to that they feel it. Then once they feel it, they have a chance to choose whether to try to ignore it or learn from it. That is the awareness.

For instance, if I get a headache, which is rare these days, it moves through pretty quickly if I just allow myself to be with my body. Allowing myself to feel it, learn from it, question it or just become curious of what I am feeling gives me the ability to move through the headache or the pain. Just like the neck pain that I experienced recently, because I was not listening to my body to get myself away from the computer, and stretching or taking care of myself. The pain forced me to listen even though I did not want to and when I started to listen, I began to dissipate the pain.

Last summer was another example but in this one, I tried to avoid the pain and numb myself to it. I had a tooth that was causing enormous pain, and each night I would go to bed with an ice pack on my face to dull the pain and allow me to sleep. The pain would come back in the middle of the night, but I would just suffer through it. For if I wanted to deal with the pain, it meant that I had to tackle a fear I have of the dentist. This is not an ordinary fear, either, but one that is very powerful. (read Fear Of Dentist from July 6, 2010) It was not until the pain got so intense that I had no other choice but to go in to the dentist, and get the work done which was needed.

That is a simplified example of numbing one's self out to pain, but when pain comes up (if we can feel it), we are better to walk hand in hand with it rather than try to hope it goes away. Pain is a messenger. It is there for a reason.

I remember a few clients that I have had where doing massage on them, I would feel a back or neck or shoulder so tense that a table top would be more pliable than their body. Yet, the people did not even realize that it was this tense or that they were in as much pain as they were. I remember one lady who had a twisted back, and did not realize that the way she was sitting at her desk was twisting her back into daily pain for her to deal with. There are so many examples that I could list here, but I am amazed at just how much we do not sense in these bodies that we inhabit for many years, and we come to know as our lives.

In my own life, I have had many times when I didn't really feel anything and yet that was what I needed to do to move forward in my life. It was easier, I thought, to avoid it rather than deal with it. However, at some point, even though we try to avoid these things in our life, the body will get our attention. Once I did begin to feel it and started to embrace it, I opened myself up to a deeper awareness that is grounded in the body. It isn't just a thought or philosophy, but one that when you feel it in your body, you know without a doubt that you've touched something.

In fact, in 1991, my mind began paralyzing my body as a way to numb myself from so many horrors and pains that I faced. My life reached a point where not only could I not feel a pin being put at the bottom of my feet, but I could barely talk, sit up, move my arms, or function. My brain was shutting my body down because I was not dealing with things in life that I had to deal with. In my case, it was child abuse, but the more I tried to hide the emotions and effects of it, the more I numbed and shut down my own body. The condition the doctors labeled my experience with was a conversion disorder.

Our bodies do store memories and the cells remember things. As one therapist I used to work with said, "there are issues in the tissues!" Trauma, stress, and many other things are stored in the body with a connection to the mind. Treating the mind is only half of the healing equation. Treating the body connected to the mind is healing that moves ourselves into a greater consciousness and awareness. These are all things that I have gone through personally and experienced on the table with Dr. Canali, but I have also seen these connections happen in my clients. I have seen it many times over in many different people.

When we break through the concepts of pain and taking care of our bodies, listening to our bodies, and living in our bodies, then we truly offer ourselves a greater awareness and consciousness. It is life changing in many ways, and often there is a deeper sense of peace and a greater felt sense throughout your body. In addition, by becoming more aware of the bodies we inhabit, we give ourselves a much greater control over our health that leads to us tapping into the healing power within, rather than always looking to others for the answers.

Come back tomorrow for ways in which you can connect your mind and body to embrace the pains you experience and move through them in healing. I'll be writing more about how you can connect your mind and body in a safe, effective way. (read Embrace The Pain, Part 2 tomorrow)


Further Reading:
1) Dr. Paul Canali, Evolutionary Healing
2) Fear Of Dentist posted on July 6, 2010
3) Embrace The Pain - Part 2 (Posted 1/29/11)
4) Embrace The Pain - Part 3 (Posted 1/30/11)



Blog Post & Images (c) 1/27/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

Intense Back & Shoulder Pain, Part 2

A recent trip that I made regarding a gathering of male survivors getting together was powerful and emotional. While it was a very good thing that took place, it is sure kicking the emotions up right now. I'm feeling a wide range of emotions and body issues as a result. Yesterday's post explains it more.

Of course, I woke up this morning to intense pain again in my back, especially my upper back. It is like a very intense burning pain that hurts like hell. Sorry to be so blunt but this is not easy. To describe it as painful is an understatement.

I do know and realize that this is connected to the emotions that have been kicked up this last week. I'm not surprised that this pain has happened. I'm not completely sure what is coming up or why, but I do know that this is part of my healing process.

Yesterday after I woke up in intense pain, I managed to get myself to the fitness center. I not only focused on exercise but I really focused on my breathing and connection to my body. I was not concerned with how much I did in my workout as I was connecting with every muscle fiber as much as I could. It felt good to tire myself out on the treadmill and weight machines. It felt good to almost exhaust my body.

After the workout, I followed it up with some time before the hot and dry sauna as well as the pool. The pool was very cold because the heater was not working but I still went in and did my anger release that I know so well.

Leaving the fitness center, I felt more relaxed, centered and a greater calmness within my body. The pains had disappeared and overall, I felt very good. Of course, that all ended early this morning when the intense pains started back in.

This has been an intense week and I remind myself that all of this is part of the process. It is not an end point and it is not a marathon that I must run in the fastest time. It is a process. As long as I don't let myself get overwhelmed by the fear and I allow myself to travel through the process, I will find the other side. When I find the other side, I will find a deeper level of healing. Until then, the days are rocky and rough but I know that I've been through so much that I can go through this as well.

Further Reading: Intense Back & Shoulder Pain, Part 1

(Above Picture taken at Chicago, IL - (c) 10/19/10)

Intense Back & Shoulder Pain, Part 1

In the middle of the night, I woke up with some intense back and shoulder pain. It is a burning pain that feels like prickly needles are stabbing me one right after another. It is pain that hurts so badly and actually made it very difficult to lay in the bed or sleep. I have not experienced pain this intensely or this hurtful for a long time.

For anyone that knows me, I no longer reach for pain pills or pain relievers to deal with pain such as this. I now realize in my life that doing so will not really take "the pain" away, it will just mask it. Yes, there are times when I just want to say, I don't want to feel the pain but I know deep down that this is misleading. I'm sure there are many that are reading this that what I am saying makes absolutely no sense. There are others reading this that some of what I am saying makes sense.

One of the things that I have learned is that pain is a messenger in our body. It is a connection to something that is trying to get our attention. Attempting to determine what that is may not always be easy and in fact it often seems more difficult than we want it to be.

Usually when pain comes up, our first reaction is oh my gawd, what is wrong with me? We may answer it in ways such as "I slept wrong last night", "I worked out at the fitness center too much", "I did to much physical work" or a number of other explanations. You can probably come up with a million more that fit for your own life. Remember, pain is a messenger in our body and is a connection to something that is trying to get our attention.

After we have gone through the first reaction, we normally start looking for things to relieve the pain. It may be through pain relievers, pain pills like Oxycondone, Darvocet and others. It may be through various forms of body work that only focus on "relieving" the pain rather than going into it. We might even turn towards alcohol and other drugs to numb ourselves from the pain.

Who can blame anyone though for reaching for something to try and numb the pain especially if it in the back, shoulders and neck. These pains feel debilitating and paralyzing. They are scary and they limit our functions in life. Many times they are also exhausting. There is nothing like back, shoulder or neck pain to stop you dead in your tracks. However, if you understand that pain is a messenger, than an episode like this does not have to keep you down.

One of the biggest things that keeps us down is the fear that comes up with these episodes of pain. Fear disguises itself in many ways from the misdirected actions in what may start the pain or what actually relieve the pain. Instead of stopping and listening to what is the underlying message to the pain, we turn to things to numb ourselves from the pain. While that is a short term fix, it will not ultimately connect us to that which the body is trying to tell us. We may believe it does and we may feel "healed" in the moment, but this is a false illusion. At some point in the future, the message will come back until we listen, heed its purpose and release whatever is stored in our body.

Before anyone thinks that I'm just being strange or radical in how I view this, I have been through moments where I had to go to the Emergency Room to get injections so that the pain and muscle stiffness would subside. I've been through moments where my body shut down so badly because I wouldn't listen to it and I was paralyzed to the point of almost breathing my last breath. I know first hand what can happen to a body and I know first hand the pain pills, pain relievers and other methods I used to numb myself from the pain.

I see so many healing bodywork modalities that focus on telling people they "relieve pain". As well intentioned as these people are, they are missing something. I do understand that people go through these things and the pain or situation "disappears". It may disappear for a long time but that does not mean it is gone. If you have not listened to or dealt with the message, it still has residence in your body. It is still stored energy that is locked within your body and your mind. To just relieve the pain, is an illusion. I realize that many do not like to hear this said but it is the truth and there are many people including myself that can give evidence to this. It is not some new age thought. It is a real concept based upon science.

So, lets get back to my situation for a moment. As I write this, I feel the intense pain in my body. It is consuming my energy and I feel miserable at this moment. However, I know that I need to stop today and listen to the pain. I need to allow myself to not go into the fear but to just connect with whatever it is that is coming up through my body. I have an idea of what it may be but I will be in the moment, just allowing it to shine through. For I know from my past experience, that if I allow myself to connect with it, I can move through it. Any other method of numbing the pain is not going to make this happen. I can try to fool myself like our society is so trained to do or I can look past the illusion and really bring forward some deep healing.

Stay tuned of course for the follow up to this. As this unfolds, I will write more about what came up and what I did to allow that to happen. Most likely, I will get on my massage table today and just allow myself to go into some of this to bring it on through my body and release it. Numbing myself or going into fear by trying to just relieve the pain is not going to get me to that point. Sure, I could do those things but at some point, these messages from within will get my attention.

Further Reading: Intense Back & Shoulder Pain, Part 2


(Above Picture taken Chiacgo, IL - (c) 10/19/10)

Phantom Smells Of Trauma, Onions

“I afraid they will find out”

“I’m afraid they will come after me”

“I’ve been threatened before,” I exclaimed! How dare you tell me this isn’t real? It feels more real than me breathing air at this point. It feels more real than life itself and yet, I’m being told, it isn’t real. Oh come on, how am I supposed to believe that? How can I even begin to accept that? I feel the fear within me. I feel the trembling inside. My body wants to hide. And yet, I’m being told that I am safe and I am okay?

Those thoughts and words were going through my mind yesterday as I had a session with Dr. Canali. My body felt overwhelmed by life and where I thought my pain was originating was really not where it was located. Here for the past week or so, I’ve been feeling pain in my shoulder, my hips and my back. I managed to release much of it on my own but the feelings, the fear, and the emotions were still locked within me. While I wanted to dismiss this and hope it would go away, deep down I knew that this would not happen.

Fear has ruled my life even though I’ve tried to ignore it, minimize it, and run from it. Life knows I’m good at covering things up and running from them. I have gotten so good at this that I cannot even tell when I’m doing it. I’m amazed at how we as humans can live in fear and completely ignore it or act like we are complete strangers.

The session didn’t feel like I had really accomplished much. It was a struggle to just allow myself to trust another person, especially their touch. I could tell at points during the session, my body did come down, let go and relax. Yet, I felt agitated and distant. I felt like I was almost just not present. It was almost like I was floating somewhere in space apart from a physical location although I knew I was there. Going into the night, I felt very out of it. I didn’t feel centered and grounded. I didn’t feel like I was in a place where I wanted to be.

All the way home, I smelled onions. It didn’t matter if I was in the car or I had the windows rolled down or in the hotel room. I just continued to smell onions. The more I smelled the onions, the more I felt angry and agitated. Feeling overwhelmed, I felt almost as if this would just never end. To this day, the slightest smell of onion brings out a nanosecond response by me with anger and disgust and leaves me feeling nauseated. I used to love onions but I can’t stand the smell or sight of them. Eating them will make me violently sick to my stomach. Why? I have no idea! I wish I knew. And somehow, I’ve got a feeling that smelling the onions is somehow connected to the specific work in the stomach that I was doing yesterday in the session with Dr. Canali.

While I didn’t realize my stomach had been in as much pain as it had been in, when I got on the table, it felt like a big lump deep inside. It was painful. It was intensely painful. The slightest touch almost brought me to my knees in tears. I felt an intense sadness there and when I say intense, I mean a very strong feeling. In the sadness, I felt fear. While these things surprised me that they were there, I knew I had touched these feelings and points before. I remember the big black ball of goo that I once came up against in a session from a few years ago. Maybe this is all connected?

Before going to the session, my stomach was physically expanded from my body. It was like I had gained 30 pounds in the past week although I knew that was not the case. My pants felt very tight on me around the waist that morning. I did not even need a belt as my pants are normally a loose on me. When I got home, I noticed that I needed a belt. The tightness around my waist was no longer there. It physically changed in the session. Eating supper last night was much easier than it had been. Lately, I had struggled to eat anything and was resorting to junk food. Whatever we touched in this session really caused a big change in me physical. While I’m not sure what that is, it is helpful to at least see this physical change was possible.

I wish all of this was in clear view and something I could understand. It is not clear at this point. For now, all I can do is stay with all that is going on within me and realize that most likely I have much processing that is taking place within me. It is not a fun place to be and is a little difficult to keep the faith, so to speak. However, I know that I have been in these moments before and I manage to find a way through them. That is all I have to hold on to at the moment. The rest will work itself out, if I don’t stop the process with fears coming up within me. It is not so much about what I could do in this situation as it is about me allowing things to process and change. It is about me allowing myself to go into the fear and let it go. It is about me allowing my thoughts from the old tapes to be replaced. In my allowing, I know I will find peace, comfort and healing.

(Above Picture taken at South Beach, FL - (c) 09/11/10)

*Read other articles on Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Listening To The Universe

How much do we miss in our day? It is most likely much more than any one of us want to admit. The messages are there but in our culture and society, we've been well trained to just go on in our daily life and sort of ignore them. It is like getting a cell phone call, and then dropping the call. The universe is then saying to us, can you hear me now?

While there may be some very gifted people that are meant to connect with the universe in a special way, I believe that anyone can do this. I believe we all can get messages if we are open to them and allow them to come in. All too often, we close our lives off through fear and shutting down that stream of information we so long for.

Isn't it amazing that there is no shortage of people in this world asking questions of what they should do in life. The questions include finances, abundance, relationships, jobs, careers and purpose in their lives. They often seek out others to tell them what they should be doing in life. While others may help them discover some of their truths, they often give their power up to those people. At the same time, they fail to connect with their own internal message stream.

Things like not trusting one's self, fear and past experience can muffle the message or block it out all together. Staying so busy in our lives or chasing the wrong rainbow gives us little opportunity to connect. Having low self confidence, leaves us doubting all that we experience, wondering if we are trusting a thief in the night or a good Samaritan. Past trauma and even current day stress can distort all that we view and pick up in our days even with the best of intentions.

This information is so valuable to us. It shows up through heart tugs, feelings of ease or difficulty, abundance or lack, body pain and illness and many other ways. How we feel in our lives is the prompt to evaluate our direction. If we attempt to hide from the things we need to face, can we expect a good outcome for our daily lives?

Yes, often we are not sure what the next step is. I have been at the point of being physically paralyzed from a conversion disorder and quite literally did not know how to take the next step. I had to trust that the physical therapist and doctors knew how to help me. I had to have the courage and determination to keep trying no matter how tough it got, to function once again. I had to allow myself to focus in the moment, and on my body, so that I could recover. Sometimes we do not know what to do, but inaction or doing nothing will get us no further than we are in the moment.

It all starts with quieting our minds, connecting to our bodies and allowing ourselves to open up and listen. Acknowledge the fears so that you are able to let them go. Let the energy of the fears and pain, help motivate the change instead of allowing it to pull you under. Spend time regularly allowing yourself to stop, rest and be open. Allow yourself the opportunity to listen. Give yourself the permission.

Then, just observe what thoughts, patterns or yearnings you notice. See what thoughts pop into your mind and prompt you to take action. See how different events make you feel and move towards the ones you are passionate about. Let yourself be in the moment, giving yourself the permission to just open up and listen and connect with all that you are.


*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Body Memories, Abuse Memories & Trauma Recovery

I know I've been quite vague about what is going on and I'm not sure I'm at the point of writing too much yet. But I'll try to write a little so at least I'm not leaving everyone in the dark.

For the past few months, I have been going through intense itching on my body which of course led to a rash. It included a lot of body memory pains, night terrors, night sweats, and eye sight that was failing me. I have struggled to sleep in the past two months because either I could not shut my eyes for the terror that would hit me or if I got to sleep, I was waking up around 2am or 4 am. Many nights I sat up reading a book until daylight came where I could finally go back to sleep a little. However, the quality of sleep was lacking and so I was walking around as I was half asleep. It got to the point that I was crying at anything, everything and nothing all through the day. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn't shake and it was unlike anything I had ever dealt with before. I was struggling to get myself to eat as I had no appetite. Anxiety was through the roof and my anger levels were in the "rage" category. My mind would not stop racing no matter what I tried to do. I saw deformities in very personal areas of my body and I saw things change on my skin from moment to moment. At one point, I wondered if I had truly gone crazy. Believe me, I tried many things that I know work for me to get through this and nothing seemed to do anything.

Before Christmas, things got real rough and I was able to talk to Dr. Canali at several times which really helped. Right after Christmas, we made a trip to Miami and I had several sessions of work done on me. By the afternoon of the first day down there, I could already see an improvement. A lot came out and at least I went from feeling despair and hopelessness to possibility and hope that I could get through this. It was during one of these days, that I finally slept through a night without waking up. Of course that was short lived but it was a welcomed relief.

Right now, i'm doing better. Many of the physical symptoms have greatly reduced or are going away. Each day, I see an improvement. I'm still waking up at 2am or 4am almost every night. Usually when that happens, I go to my treatment table and do some work on myself which helps me move past it and allows me to fall back to sleep. Last night though, I slept through until 5am and then i struggled to get back to sleep until daylight hit this morning.

Today instead of just itchiness waking me up, it was a burning pain through out every inch of my body that just about drove me insane. My anxiety and anger levels were way up today and I was feeling like I was going back into that deep dark hole that I don't want to be in. So I once again, went to my treatment table and started working on myself with the tools I have to do this. It isn't easy doing it on yourself but we're too far from Miami to just get in the car and drive down at any time. After the work on the table my resting pulse rate dropped from the high 90's into the low 70's using my Finger Pulse Oximeter Octive Tech 300 Pro Pulse Meter to check this

Out of the work I did on myself today, a story emerged that is connecting the dots. I'm not ready to share that at all right now but up until now, all I had been getting was "implicit memory". Implicit memory is basically everything but the story or events - (example: kind of like feeling a car crash without knowing that you were in a car crash). I'm exhausted and wiped out at the moment but maybe now with the story that is emerging to connect the dots, I can finally begin moving beyond this. The itching and pain have already subsided from what they were earlier today. They may kick back up as I process things but I welcome any moments of relief.

I know that through all of this and healing from it, there is so much more waiting for me. I can already see and feel what those things are but right now, the pains are still pretty raw. I didn't ask to remember any of this but it sort of took me head on and I really have had no choice but to work through it (unless I wanted to remain in the physical situation I've been in). At the moment, even though I'm very tired, I can feel a big weight being lifted off of my body. And I do know, that there is a reason for all of this - that's what keeps me going.

The Pain Within The Body Grows

I'm posting this on here but please be forewarned that it wasn't easy to write and I'm sure it is not easy to read. Please take care of yourself if you decide to read this.

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Last night my body was hurting pretty bad and very tense/tight/stiff. My neck/mid and upper back especially sometimes going into my low back. Breathing was difficult as if it was almost impossible and my chest/lungs hurt. This morning, the pain intensified and was getting to the point I couldn’t take much more of it. My body was feeling exhausted and depressed.

So I went and jumped in the pool and started just pushing the water around with my arms trying to let the anger and emotions flow through that were coming up. I was taking a lot of frustrations out on the water and then I got to the point of just screaming underneath the water and hitting my arms in the water as hard as I could. It didn’t take long to get to a point of exhaustion and then I laid in one of the recliner pool chairs that we have. As I moved my arms, I could feel my body release in many ways and shake and tremble. Knowing what that’s about, I just let it happen and kept focusing on moving and breathing. Finally my breath did like the polar bear video and just went deep and then let go.

By that time, I was exhausted and I just let my body lay there for some time (until the rain storm came up). But my mind began to be flooded with so many words. I think of it as John Boy Walton used to say, that sometimes I get so much in my head going around, I just have to put it down on paper. This was one of those times. I just had to write. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. When I was done writing (through all the tears and emotions that were coming up), my body gave a big sigh of relief. Much of the pain and stiffness in my body had left, although some residual pain/stiffness was still around. I let the words of what I wrote, sink in and let myself cry as hard as my body wanted to.

When Jeff got home, I told him I wanted to go to the beach because I wanted to read what I wrote to the Ocean. So off we went. It was hard reading the words but I really wanted to have the sounds of them go out from me. It was a release and I knew the ocean was big enough to take them. When I finished through the crying and emotions that came up as a result, my body felt a sense of peacefulness and resolve. We spent the next hour just walking along side the ocean right next to the surface taking in the ocean sounds.

There’s a little residual pain/stiffness I notice in myself but it is a far different feel than just a few hours earlier. I’m feeling more like I can do this instead of feeling overwhelmed. I’ll probably get in the pool and do some more movement stuff tomorrow to keep it flowing through. This one was a rough one and it sure hit me pretty hard. The good thing is, I found a way through it.

Here's what I wrote:

The pain within my body grows as fast as a weed drenched by buckets of water. It has no end. The pain continues. Every nook and cranny of my body hurts and screams out as if a giant club is whacking it over and over. Every muscle fiber and cell dreams of a day when the pain ends, the back no longer hurts and the body moves with ease. It hurts and I want to scream. It hurts and I want to cry. It hurts but alas this is just another day.

I cry out looking for someone to fix this, someone to take this away, someone to just bring an end to it. I search for the path through it hoping to escape the pain my body endures. I long to listen to the answers for all the questions that I have and that hound me every day and night I take a breath. I beg for an end to this nightmare called life. Some days when I feel I have the strength to go on, a thief comes and robs me of all energy I can muster up.

My wonderings travel into the amusement of some sick entity that is enjoying all the pain I suffer through. My heart feels a burden of a million knives that were jammed through it. My eyes have seen so many things they wish to forget and my arms have been held back as a prisoner wanting to escape its captors.

Everything around me seems to trigger an episode of epic proportions with no logical analysis to grasp. The facts don’t add up. The observations fall short. The sounds, the smells, the touches all seem as one army united against me that my eyes cannot see. Yet, I know it exists. Its surprise awaits me with each glimpse of a night time sky or sun filled day. The triggers they come and go, almost as if they are the thief I run from. They rob me of everything. They steal me blind. How can I go on?

It is almost paralyzing when the pain begins to grown. The anger sits on the sideline as it becomes my world. The anger within me grows pushing the pains that I feel to the breaking point of no return. I so long, to notice the flowers, not the storms. I long to feel the soft gentle waves of the ocean, not the rocks hidden below the surface. I so long to feel normal, safe and secure. I so long to feel my body instead of trying to outrun it.

Yet the images, the sounds, the smells and the touches that flood my conscious mind are enough to create one of the scariest movies ever known. From the starring role of my father as the snake, to the smells of his breath masquerading as onions, garlic, and seafood as he forcefully tells a little boy to shut up and take it like a man. If such a movie was made, no one would believe it. No one would even dream this up for no rational mind could create such a scene. My mind though knows this is more than a movie.

As you bring in the supporting characters of my mom and two brothers, you begin to see the story unfold. There I am crouched down behind a chair hoping to not get what I had coming to me for whatever it was that I did. No one was home at the time of course so he had his free way with me. There was no one to stop him. And as his breath flooded the smells around me, my eyes wanted to cry out in tears. As the tears began to well up with me, I felt his big hand slap me so hard, that it was all I could do to keep track of where I was. It was as if I had been knocked into another dimension waiting for some spaceship to come rescue me. There was nothing of course that I could do. It was my cross to bear and my existence to obey him for that was what God wanted me to do. God was love after all. God was in control. God was my heavenly father as seen through my eyes of my real father.

Moment after moment, it hurt. He didn’t stop. I can remember it as if it is happening right in this moment. No, I didn’t forget it. Sorry Mr. Snake, I didn’t forget it. You wanted me to and you begged me to. In fact, you commanded me to. But my body remembered, my mind remembered and my heart shielded it for an eternity. I wanted to beg you, plead with you to stop but those silent murmurs would be met with a heavy hand of God’s discipline and love.

I want right now just to beat the shit out of you. I’d like to see hurt just like you hurt me. I have absolutely no use for you. The world has no use for you. You horrible excuse of a human; if you can be called that much.

And then the movie continued on taking in its role for the supporting actors. Little did they know what to expect when they arrived home that day. They thought it was just a shopping trip into town not expecting a thing. The gasp of screams they let out when they walked in the door. The horrors only known to the worst of criminals were unfolding before them. They couldn’t look away quick enough. They couldn’t run away quick enough. For it was right there in plain sight whether they wanted to see it or not. The horror they must have felt if they felt anything, would be very difficult but of course I’ll never for sure.

I remember my mom screaming, what in the hell are you doing as my dad stopped for a moment. The weight of his body on mine was crushing in defeat and silencing to my breath. For a moment, the pain subsided but it didn’t go away. All I remember hearing is for my mom to tell my brothers to go to their room and my father telling her to leave him the fuck alone. She wasn’t about to listen though and that was such a dumb thing for her to do. For I knew what was coming and there was no sense in the both of us suffering through the pain. But finally for a moment, the pain stopped and the weight of his fuckin body eased. I caught my breath and laid there exposed to the world not wanting to move an inch, not being able to move an inch.

As he got up, I saw him in all his ugliness as he tried to pull his pants up. In the process, I saw him remove his belt and take a swing. One swing, two swings, I lost count. She went down to the floor covering her face from the blows. She screamed out in pain. She gasped for a breath. But he didn’t stop. He continued yelling and telling her that she had no business trying to stop him. She would learn not to ever do this again. She just cried and cried and cried in between the screams and the gasps for breath. He did not stop until he was exhausted.

I wanted to stop him. I couldn’t stand to see her in this way. I couldn’t stand to see him hitting her and it was all because of me. If she wouldn’t have walked in on him doing what he was doing to me, this would not have happened. She’d be home scott free with no pain. What did I do wrong to cause this? What did I do to deserve this?

To this day, I can never apologize enough to my mom for the hurts and pains she endured. I cannot take it back and make it stop, nor could I then. But yet, she was trying to stand up for me and look where it got her. He was in the starring role of the movie as the snake. The snake that was so cunning is stupid. The snake that would startle your world at a second’s notice not knowing what God was going to do to you at that moment.

My eyes have cried many silent tears during my life but as I write this, my eyes are so filled with tears that the screen is difficult to see. And yet there are not enough tears to soothe my aching soul or my painful body. There aren’t enough screams to fill the void this has left in my life or the absence of my mom. I’m left with an emptiness of what should be in life and a longing for what I so badly needed then and now.

Is there any way to make sense of this? Most likely there is not! Is there any way to justify what this horrible excuse of a human did to me? Most likely there is not! Somehow, I’ve got to pick up the pieces of my life if I can find them, and piece them together into who I really am but do not know. I long for the design of my life but yet, the instructions are in some unreadable language – the language of pain.

The journey I’ve walked down has led me to a better moment but the pains, the fears, the unknowns still lurk beside my path. I’d love to be able to say, that all of this no longer impacts me and I can just let it go but when the pains rear their ugly head within my body, I’m once again reminded of something I’d rather forget. Can I forgive him? I want to speak words saying yes, I can because I need to but somehow in my heart, the pains I endured fuel a vengeance of disbelief and confusion towards him in what he did. The mind of a little boy is still confused and the heart remembers just as the body does.

Now as my writing closes, so does the pain ease that has been flooding my body each moment.

Body Pain

The pain we find in our body is the connection to something greater. It is our fears that hold us back from going deep into the pain. For when we travel into the pain, we find that we have so much power within ourselves. As we find our power, we find something greater for our lives. Pain is about getting our attention. It is about us moving forward. It is not about us masking it, trying to get rid of it or running from it.

Trauma And Stress

“Trauma and stress are constantly looking for a way out – an exit and trauma/stress will find a way whether it is through harming ourselves, harming others or via disease and pains in the body.
People can try and deny a lot, but the one thing they can’t deny is “pain in their body”. – Don Shetterly, LMT, Trauma Therapist