Lashing Out At People

Written By Don Shetterly

Recently, I have had a couple of experiences that left me dazed and scratching my head.  In both cases, I said one thing and someone else took it completely out of context.  They inserted words or their experiences into it and then began the assault.

In both cases, what I said and what they read into it were miles apart.  It didn't help that I tried to explain what it was that I meant.  They were having none of that.  They had already come to a conclusion in their mind that I should be found guilty for whatever crime they believe I committed.

Sure, I know we all hear incorrectly what others sometimes say.  I understand that, but when someone lashes out at you instead of trying to understand or listen, there is only so much you can do.

I saw this a lot in the house I grew up in and it was so common, no one realized they were doing this.  Often you would hear, "We hurt the ones we love the most."   While I accepted that back then, I no longer accept that because it is abusive.

When people filter out what you say, it is hard to get them to see the complete picture.  It is difficult to understand the true intent of their words and as a result, you end up spewing toxic garbage on them and yourself.  It makes things pretty messy.

I see these situations that I experienced as someone demanding that I understand, but I was not able to have a moment to explain.  They deemed me guilty of something I didn't do.  Would it not be better if they helped me understand why they reacted the way they did?  Would that not be more beneficial?

The experiences are sad and the best reaction I can have is just to walk away from the toxicity.  No matter what I try to say, it isn't going to be enough.  No matter how hard I try to convince someone in these situations, they are not going to begin trying to understand what I said.

Of course, these days, this is how our country and the world reacts to other people.  We don't truly listen and we judge others before anyone has a chance to articulate their point.  We rush to the execution because in our eyes, we are right and everyone else is wrong.  How does this advance humanity?

At one time, I would have gotten in the ring and fought until I thought I had won.  These days I do not see the benefit of jumping in the mud pit because I know that if I do, no one will be able to tell the other person and me apart.

If we want others to understand what we know, we need to give them the benefit of the doubt.  We need to listen to them and not judge them before they open their mouth.  For when we judge and accuse someone before we see the entire situation, we're really making the world a worse place.

We owe it to one another to be there for the other person and help them travel this journey together.  The more we can lift up and honor humanity together, the more progress we all make.

How High And Mighty We Are

Written By Don Shetterly

It's all those other people out there.  It's the - insert label here - people.  You know, those that don't think like we do!  To this, I can only say, how high and mighty we are!  Yes, I say this with disbelief.

Too many of us think that we have all the answers.  I'm using the collective "we" because I don't want to let anyone off the hook on this blog post.  If it makes anyone feel uncomfortable, I'm perfectly fine with that at this moment.

You see, we label others, and we look down our noses at them.  We see them with contempt.  They are not like us.  They don't believe what we do, think like we do, talk like we talk or live in the way we think they should.  They are mistaken and misled people.  They are wrong.  These people know not what they do!

We look at people with disdain and as if they are the reason for our problems.  We strike out at them trying to correct them into human beings that we can associate with in our day.

After all, we feel we must tell them where they went wrong and just how misguided they are.  We must do this if we want the world to continue on because only we know best.

Then we take to social media to point out just how stupid others are.  They know not what they do, and we are here to tweet and like and post just how wrong they are.  Of course, we are the right ones.  We know best.  We must retweet and share for it is the only way others will know how lost they are.

While this is the way things seem to operate these days in our society, we're really all in this boat together.  While we may think we have the answers and are right in what we say, we're really throwing mud in the face of others.  Our eyes are so darkened that we cannot even begin to see this.

We've lost the way of listening to one other and engaging with each other.  No more do we honor and respect one another, and no it isn't because everyone else does not do this.  We've lost it within ourselves.   Respect for ourselves has vanished.

No longer are we connected to our heart and our mind body.  Instead, we obliterate ourselves with our busy, nonstop, stressful lives.  We pour junk into our guts hoping acting as if it doesn't matter while playing a dangerous game of risk with health treatments that fail to treat the root causes.

We have added so much horror on our days by not dealing with life's issues, but by numbing ourselves every second of the day.  Feelings and emotions are running for cover.  Heart and mind connected thoughts are silent.

If we continue this way, we'll be in a much worse mess than we are now.  We cannot sustain this because it is taking its toll on the human body and the mind.  It is not up to someone else to solve this.  This has to begin with each one of us.  Only we can turn it around in our lives.

While we may think we are high and mighty, in many ways, we are not.  The more we believe that everyone else is the problem, the more we have lost our way.

Stop for a moment.  Look at what you are doing to yourself and the world-at-large.  Leave no stone of discovery unturned.  Look deep and hard within your own mind and body and heart to see what needs the sunshine of truth.

Give up trying to pull the speck out of your brother's eye when you have a log in your own eye.  It is the only way to help anyone is by helping ourselves first.  Otherwise, we are just high and mighty as we continue to destroy the world we live in.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 1/01/18 by Don Shetterly

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Do You Listen Or Do You Hear?

Today, I saw a tweet on my twitter feed that I thought was very good.  It is about a subject that I think is at the heart of many of our problems in this world.  If you've read this blog for very long, you will have seen me discuss this topic. 

Yet, it seems like what I write barely moves the needle.  Maybe I expect to much with my words.

All too often we act as if we are listening to others, but are we truly doing this?  Do we actually listen like we think we do, or are we just going through the motions.  Do we listen or do we actually hear those around us?

If you're staring at your smart phone while someone is talking and nodding your head, you're probably just going through the motions and not truly listening.  If you're thinking about how you need to respond back to the person you are listening to, then you are truly not hearing.

If you think that everything they are saying is wrong or inaccurate or misguided, you may be listening, but you're not hearing them.  If you're calling them all kinds of nicknames and labels, then you're barely listening and definitely not hearing them.

If you're waiting to get off the phone as quickly as you can, you're not hearing them.  Sure, you may be listening to what they say, but your mind is elsewhere.  If you're thinking about a million things other than what they are saying, more than likely you're not hearing them.

The most successful people understand the difference between listening and actually hearing. pic.twitter.com/ghcOAmyhs5

— Steve Keating (@LeadToday) March 29, 2017

So often we are busy in our own minds.  We're focused on the 50 million tasks that we think are extremely important to our day, crowding our mind out from truly being connected to the moment.  We are so focused on the latest political story or social media post and how we need to respond, but we've forced our minds to be too busy to comprehend what the mind body connection is.

There is so much noise in our day and if we don't stop and take a step back, we get wrapped up in it to the point where our minds are just too busy to hear other people.  When we get so wrapped up into all the things that we think we must do, we become too busy in our minds to hear others.

If you really take a hard look at yourself, what are you really saying to others.  Are your mind, body, and actions really saying that you are not only listening but hearing the other person?  Is that really true about your life and your presence in this world, both in person and online?

Or - are you so busy in your mind that your presence only takes up physical space, but you're absent in the mind body connection and so you're not there hearing other people?

There definitely is and we don't do enough hearing. Too many are too busy in their own minds to actually hear https://t.co/7GoR0hoEy6

— Don Shetterly (@mindbodythought) March 29, 2017

Hearing others involves an active participation with not only some body behavior, but with your mind and your heart.  Hearing involves true listening where you fully engage and don't become distracted by things that really dish the person you are with at that moment.  Hearing involves being there in that moment with that person as if they are the only thing that is present.

Hearing means that you're listening with your heart and trying to understand.  You're trying to connect with them and show them the respect that they deserve.  Hearing means that you're functioning on a more conscious level, rather than just going through the motions.

Test this out today and see what you're doing.  Are you truly listening or not? 

Become present with your behavior, not just a puppet to it.

People need others to really listen to them.  Kids need adults to listen to them.  Be someone positive in the world by doing more than listening.  Be the one that hears others by staying consciously connected in your mind body.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Nobody Listens In This World

As my mom used to say to me, "we have two ears and one mouth - use them appropriately."  Yet, these days, we seem to act as if we have two mouths and one ear.  We talk more than we listen.  Listening is a part of our society that is vanishing.  Nobody listens in this world.

We are in a society that thinks everyone has to scream and rant and rave all day and every day about the latest headlines.  We're not in listening mode - we're in speaking mode.  If you observe and watch closely, you will see that no one is truly listening to each other.

I often watch little kids in public places just trying to get the attention of their parents.  They just want them to care and show that they are listening to them.  Far too often, I see the parents texting someone or glued to their phone and the poor child is feeling very neglected.

On social media, everyone wants to tell everyone what they should do it seems or how they should think.  Everyone thinks that everybody else wants to read the regurgitated rhetoric over and over throughout the day.  This not listening at all.  It is people speaking far too much and in many ways, not adding anything to our world.

Be a friend and listen...

Often people just need someone to listen.  They don't need them to formulate some meme or happy thought.  They don't need them to tell them what to do or how to think or what to say.  They just need someone to be a friend and listen.

Listening can be so healing and helpful.  It can give courage and strength to those who are struggling in difficult times.  Listening can open up a compassionate heart by removing pain that is too difficult to bear.

Listening can give courage and strength to those who may be struggling to hold on in their day.  Just the act of listening says I care and sometimes that is more than enough.

We all take listening for granted, but in communication - it is a very powerful tool.  Without listening, the words spoken between one another would have no place to land.  Without listening, we'd never understand another's point of view or their thoughts or emotions or ideas.

Listening is so important.  Let us all try to remember that we have two ears and one mouth like my mother used to say.  If we use it in that proportion, than we should be listening more than we are speaking?  How's that going in your life?

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Will The Words Matter That Have Been Spoken

After the past several months of an election season, we're now coming to the end of it.  If everyone really stepped back and looked at what they said and posted and shared, I honestly wonder what we would think of our words.

Would we really be proud of all that we said and the way we said it? 

Would it hold as truth in 1000 years as it does today?

I wonder about those questions because I'm not so sure we could answer them in a positive way about them.  I doubt that in a 1000 years, what is so critical today, will be even remembered at that point.  I have a feeling that all this screaming and yelling will essentially be for nothing.

Yet, it doesn't stop anyone from doing it.  Group 1 says something and so group 2 responds.  Group 2 responds and now group 3 and group 1 have to respond.  Of course, then the next level of that involves more pointed and heated words.  It involves one-upping the other groups.  It requires that we out-flank the others and really make our point knowing.  

As it continues to escalate and build, it becomes nothing more than screaming and yelling at one another where no one is listening.  I'm sure that when this election is over, everyone will view things differently, but life will go on and little will be paid to each individual's role in this entire process.  It won't even enter into most people's minds how they participated in this horrible display of childish behavior.

I often look at what I see online and in the news and think, what if our children behaved this same way?  Most likely the child would have his backside spanked and they would be set in a corner to think about how their actions were so horrible. 

Yet, adults are doing the same thing and they don't stop to think about it.  I'm not so sure our children aren't smarter than adults most days.  Adults are modeling this behavior for their children and then getting upset when the child shows it back to them.  How two sided can you get?  Just look at what is happening to our children and the bullying and violence taking place in our schools!

More importantly though when all we can do is scream and yell and make outrageous statements backed up by little or no facts, how is that good for our society?  It does nothing to advance humans on this planet.  It does nothing to care about one another or see if there is a way we can work together for our common good.

I wish people would really look at what they say.  I can't see how many people would be proud of the words they used and how they showed complete disrespect and contempt for one another.  Aren't we as humans better than that? 

Do we just hate ourselves so much that we hate others in the process and we don't care if it shows? We don't care what happens.  It is all about what we think is right and to hell with the rest!

Most likely we will just have lowered the bar on public discourse, especially when it comes to our political process. Imagine what the next political season will entail because we have set the bar so low in this one.  At the end of the day, I doubt any of us will be further along in learning how to help one another, listen to one another or have the most basic respect for each other.

May our children teach us how to see the world and each other, because in my view - the adults are failing the children and the world in a big way. The things people say to one another should be at a higher standard than we are today.  May we all find that point and elevate the discussion and respect in this world.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Telling Everyone What To Do

Why is it that humans do this?  I mean, it seems like humans feel like they need to tell everyone what to do.  Is it because they are superior to other people or they just can't help themselves?

I see this happen far too often.  I grew up with it in my house where you had a million people telling you what to do before you knew you needed to hear this.  I still remember learning to drive and between my mom, dad and older brother, I generally had three people all screaming at one time where to park, where to turn, or what to do next.  Talk about a chorus of crazy talk!

Sometimes people just want to share with you what they are struggling with in their mind.  I know I do this.  It is part of how I think through things and if I can verbalize it, then my mind is more able to clearly focus on what is happening.  I generally talk as a way of seeing options and working through the questions that arise.

Unfortunately, far too many people take this as my inability to figure out what I need to do.  Not all that I know do this, but there are several that will readily do this.  It really begins to irritate me because most of the time, very few have all the facts and knowledge that I do on a particular matter.  They haven't walked a mile in my shoes.

It isn't just me though that I see this play out.  I see it in all kinds of people, especially on social media and the internet.  If you say you have a sniffle, people are pretty quick to tell you what you should take to get rid of that.  After all, everyone is a doctor on social media.  If you share a thought online, most of the time no one really reads the whole things, but they are commenting quickly and telling you what you should do, how you should do it and when you should do it.

If you look at the news and politics, there are many that will tell you quickly just what you should be doing with your life, how you should be living and that if you think anything but the way they think, you are wrong. They will tell you how you need get your life in order and that they have the answers for everything you must follow.

Take a look at churches, okay some churches but maybe not all churches.  Some of these people will be quick to tell you how much you have sinned or fallen away from Jesus.  Some will tell you that if you don't do what they say, your life will be nothing but problems and unanswered questions.  They are so quick to tell everyone what to do, it can make your head spin.

Instead of telling everyone what to do, we really need to learn how to listen.  When you listen, it means that you're not talking and telling them what to do.  It means you are listening.  It means the ears are more engaged then the mouth.  It means, you're honoring and respecting the other person by giving your attention to them.

The need to tell everyone what to do comes from the ego. It is often hidden from the individual because the ego is crafty and sneaky.  It does not want you to see what you are actually doing.  Only by becoming conscious and aware can you see what it is that you do.

We don't help the world and everyone around us by telling everyone what to do.  We don't help impact the world in positive ways by making sure that others know what we think, rather than just listening to them.  The art of listening is so underused, but the art of telling others what to do is so over-rated.  May we learn to listen more and refrain from telling everyone what to do.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Everyone Has An Opinion

I have them.  You have them.  We all have them.  In fact, everyone has an opinion about just almost everything these days.  If you don't, you might be the exception and that's okay!  In fact, it is completely fine for everyone to have an opinion.  It is part of what makes us each special and unique.

Unfortunately, those opinions, have gotten in the way of us truly being real and respectful with one another.  Instead of listening and honoring the life that we all share together on this planet, we seem more hell-bent on trying to make each other out to be some label or something that is anything but positive.

If you watch the news, you'll see this in full force.  If you read social media, you'll either have those who are respectful or those that just hurt others.  There is very little middle ground.  Its almost like a game that everyone plays and it is almost like this has become the norm.

Opinions aren't always a bad thing...

Go ahead and have your opinions.  There isn't anything wrong with that.  However, when it comes to not listening to one another and thinking that your opinion is the only right one out there, something is a little wrong.  It means were  not connected to our heart, but we are connected to our ego.  Our ego has to grandstand and be right.

Sometimes life can be very difficult and in this day and age with all the frightening events going on, don't let fear rule your opinions and be the bully.  Don't let fear cloud your judgment and close your heart to your fellow humans.  We need each other to make it through this journey called life.

If we stand opposed...

If we stand opposed all day long with one another, how will we ever join together for our common good?  How will we advance our civilization if we are constantly tearing each other down by the words we speak and the actions we take.

Opinions are fine as long as we temper them with compassion and understanding.  When we resort to calling each other names and screaming at one another, we're so far from the point of compassion and understanding.

Open up your heart and let that guide your opinions, rather than being ruled by fear and the ego.  You may find in the end that your opinion isn't as strong as you thought it was or that it wasn't as big of a deal as you once believed.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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It's Easy To Point Your Finger

We all do it.  Yes, we do.  We all do it.  No matter how much you don't think you do, there's that one ounce of a probability that you do.  It's easy to point your finger at others.

Whether it is politics and how we respond or how someone looks or acts or behaves.  Whether it is those that don't measure up to our standards or irritate the daylights out of us at every turn, we point our fingers at them.  Whether it is those that don't believe like we do and we feel are lost or those that share differing opinions, we point our fingers at them.

Sharing things online...

It is easy to point your finger at others while declaring you know all and have all the answers.  It may be labels that you use towards one another, or how you think they are so lost and will never see the light of day.  It may be the way you share things online that become nothing more than pointing your finger at another person.

While skepticism and disagreement can be healthy, we have gotten to the point these days that we hold on to a mentality of "you are either with us or against us".  There is no happy medium.  There is no middle ground.  It is either one way or no way.   If you need evidence of that, just spend 5 minutes on Facebook or Twitter and it should become quite clear.

We don't listen to others...

We don't welcome the opinions of others although we often claim we do.  We don't listen to others like we think we actually do.  We are too busy telling others how to think, what to do, how to believe, and which thing they should follow.  We are too busy telling people the solution to their problem that we don't even bother to listen to their problem first and understand it.

I grew up in a church and a home where we criticized everyone that didn't think the way we thought.  If they believed differently in our church, they were going to hell.  If they didn't do things and act the way we thought, they were just wrong.  There was no adherence to understanding or tolerance.  We sought out people and churches and organizations that made it okay to point the fingers at others. That was how our family operated.

Disgust, rather than listening...

Our society is the same way.  Every day, too many look at others with disgust, rather than sitting down and listening.  We rant and rave and scream how stupid or idiotic others are.  If we don't do it online by our shares and likes, it is often in our private thoughts.

How strong will our civilization and world be if we continue down this path?  How much do we really care for others, if all we can do it focus on the things that we cannot stand about each other?  What does it truly say about how we see ourselves, if all we can see are the perceived faults and deficiencies in one another?

(click image to read)

The government cannot change it.  Our leaders and ministers can't change this.  This is something that each one of us needs to search our hearts and really open our eyes to what we do.  It is something that not everyone else needs to change, but each one of us individually.  If you think it is everyone else that has the problem, it is within your own heart that you need to change first.

I'm no different.  I try to accept everyone, but there are those that are screaming at the top of their lungs that can make me cringe.  I want to point my finger at them and say, "how dare you?"  How can you say these things.  Yet, if I expect them to listen to me, then I need to be able to listen to them without judgment and condemnation.

It isn't easy.  If you think it is, find the person that irritates you the most and see if you can sit with them for a day and not condemn or judge them.  I don't mean, play like you can, but really go deep within your own soul and don't point your finger at them.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Finding Fault In Others

It is so easy to do this and it seems in these days that most of the people on this planet are experts at it.  Finding fault in others seems to be the go-to-device for most occupants of this planet when maybe it should not be so.

If you turn on the news or read Facebook and Twitter, you can see that much of what is posted is finding fault with others.  It isn't that anyone tries to understand what another person is saying.  It isn't that anyone tries to listen to and hear what others are saying.  It is more that we are finding fault in others far too much.

Everyone thinks they have the answers and are smarter than the next person. Everyone thinks they understand the issues of the day more than the next person.  Everyone thinks they would have made a better decision than the one that did even though they were not privy to all the facts that went into the decision.

We fight and scream at one another.  We shout and tell the world how much we know that others don't.  We act as if our opinion matters most because everyone else out there is so stupid and just doesn't understand.

Hey, I've been guilty of this too.  I know we're all human but it doesn't excuse our behavior.  We should be working to right the ship and listen to one another.  We should be working to see the good in one another and open our minds up to their ideas to see how they might help us as a civilization.

If instead of finding fault in others, why not try listening?  Why would we not try showing love to one another?  I don't mean speaking words of love and then finding fault in someone because that isn't love.  You can try all you want to make it into love, but its like trying to make dirt into water.  It just is not so!

Finding fault with one another makes us less than human.  It shows how much we lack personally in our understanding and evolution and awareness, than all others.  When we show others love and stop finding fault in them, it is then that we are beginning to discover what it means to be human.

I'm sure that if we could somehow take an MRI of the brains when we activate finding fault with others, it might give us evidence we are not who we think we are in that moment.  Let us find a way to find the good in one another, rather than the faults.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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Stop Telling Others What To Do

I guess I'm doing in this post exactly what I'm asking others not to do.  Is that hypocritical?  Maybe it is but it isn't intended this way.  There are far too many of people in this world that are telling others what to do and it needs to stop.

People really don't like others preaching at them and telling them everything wrong that others see in them.  Its human nature and even though some may say they like this, deep down they hold in the anger and resentment.  If you look closely, you will see it.

Its kind of like leading a horse to water and forcing them to drink.  More than likely you can try to force that horse to drink water all day long and it isn't going to get very far.  If you let the horse find the water, more than likely they will drink.

In this country especially (and the entire planet), we think that everyone cannot exist until we tell them exactly what it is that we think they should be doing.  We feel that it is our duty and obligation to make known to everyone we know, just how they should think, feel, respond or act.

We tell others that they should honor and believe like we do, or they are lost and going to hell.  We don't allow them to not believe like we do and we expect and demand that they do this.  Otherwise, how will we ever live our life if others are allowed to live their life in the way them deem appropriate?

I especially roll my eyes at the people who let you know that you should think this way or that way.  Really?  What if that doesn't line up with your own beliefs or your own insights?  Unfortunately it doesn't matter to most.  They still keep pushing their agenda and wait in the tall grass to pounce upon you with their agenda.

We need to stop telling others what to do.  We need to truly close our yaps and open our ears to listen.  We will offer so much more to other people if we are there for them with open ears, not with an agenda that we exclaim with our mouth.

If you're doing all the talking, then you're not listening.  If  you're constantly telling others you know what they should do or how they should think, you're not listening.

Stop telling others what to do and let them find the truth out for themselves if the truth you offer is so great.  Guide them to what you see, but don't interfere with what they see.  You will be much more helpful to them if you stop telling others what to do.

If you are constantly telling others what they should believe or think, you're not helping them find the truth and answers for their life.  

Now, I'm climbing down off my soapbox.  Next person, please!

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Blog Post And Images (c) 1/24/16 by Don Shetterly

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People Who Have All The Answers

Too many people think they know more than they do.  Well at least that is an opinion I sometimes hold.  I often ask people their views and I try to listen to what they say, but boy, oh boy, what you get along with that is - well, entertaining.

Growing up in my house you had to listen to several people screaming at the top of their lungs that they knew everything.  I can remember learning to drive and having my Dad, my mom and my older brother all trying to tell me what to do.  It was a nightmare.

When I finally drove by myself for the first time, I pulled into a parking lot waiting for someone to tell me where to park.  It finally dawned on me that I was alone in the car and had to make that decision.  People were sure honking at me as I tried to figure that out too! 

People mean well, but sometimes they act like they know everything.  They claim many things, but if I read between the lines, I can see the hurt if I don't accept what they are saying.  I can see so much between the lines.

It is one thing to listen to what others see and know, but at the end of the day, each of us has to make our own choices and decisions.  If we are following what other people say, then we are missing out on who we are.  We aren't giving ourselves full credit.

I doubt any of us are ever going to stop someone from being more than pushy with opinions and thoughts.  I doubt we'll move the marker with them on how to calm it down a bit.  Its just a fact of life.

If you're a sensitive person like I am, you can sometimes get hurt pretty easily.  Sometimes I put my walls up just to insulate myself and sometimes I run away almost screaming hysterically.

We all need to watch how we interact with other people.  Sometimes the best thing you can do is just listen, not necessarily force our views and opinions on other people.  Sometimes other people so badly need us to be there with the full force of our two ears and be nothing else.

Being a know it all isn't always the one that everyone wants to be around in life.  Sometimes everyone says, "I wish they would tone it down or just stop".  Even if these things get said to some people, it just never seems to sink in.

Even online, there are those that read something and immediately think they have to tell you what you should do.  I had one of those recent moments and I was not even talking about an issue.  It was a post about things I was learning.  This person came at me like I didn't know what I was doing.  Politely  and assertively, I shared with them that they had the picture wrong.  It wasn't about me.  It was about their issue that my post triggered.  Sometimes we don't know when we've been triggered because we are so numb.

The more we can learn to listen to one another, the more we will truly be there for others.  We have all kinds in this world and that's great because this world would be pretty dull otherwise.  The only thing is we need to check in with ourselves and see how we are impacting those around us.  Don't just assume you are fine because you think you are.  Check the reflection in the mirror and it will help you grow closer to people, not further away.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/10/15 by Don Shetterly

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Healing By Listening

Sometimes the most simplest thing can help people heal in ways they never thought was possible.  Healing by listening is one such way and it is powerful.  Too often we think we've got to solve the problems of other people and sometimes listening is all they need.

As humans, we often want to help others.  We think that by telling them what they should do is the best offer we can give to them.  We think that by telling them what we think is right in this situation is somehow helpful.  Unfortunately all too often we miss the mark.

Healing by listening is powerful because it says to the other person, "you are valuable".  It says "you matter".  It says, "I am here for you".

Healing by listening is without judgment.  It isn't your agenda or how you view the situation that matters.  It is just being there for the other person as if you are holding the space open for them.  It is being there as a safety net to catch them as they try to piece things together.

Use Your Ears To Help Humanity

Here's a simple truth that you can take to the bank.  Okay, maybe it won't have much value in the bank, but it will in humanity.  If you really want to help other people, make sure you listen twice as much as you talk to them.

We all have two ears and one mouth, but for some reason, we act as if we have two mouths and one ear.  If that sounds funny, it isn't meant to sound funny.  It is true if you watch the reactions of people to one another.

We are so eager to tell another person what they should do.  We are so eager to be an authority on something because of what we've been told.  We are so eager to make sure the world or social media knows how we think, lest anyone go astray.

Yet, if you really want to know the most helpful thing you can do for another, it isn't telling them what they should do!  It is being there for them without an agenda of any type.  It is being there and listening to them with both ears and an open heart.  It is shutting your mouth off long enough so you can hear them.

No Wonder People Commit Suicide

I'm not surprised these days.  I see a callous attitude by so many towards other people.  No wonder people commit suicide.  This is Suicide Prevention month as I'm writing this, but this blog post applies to any month.

When people are hurting, they don't always have people who truly understand or want to listen.  Too many want to share their wisdom with the person, rather then doing what the person needs most - LISTEN!  To many say they are there, but few are.

I've gone through things in my life that most people will never experience.  I've had to walk away from the lifeblood of my existence and pick up the shattered pieces one at a time.  I've had to keep myself going financially and emotionally.  I've had to learn to walk again, remember basic things, and function with every day life.  It hasn't been easy.  It isn't easy.

I've been through experiences that I can't even describe to anyone.  I've been through heartbreak and turmoil and trauma that would be an unbelievable fictional story.  I cannot find the words to describe it.

Talking Without Listening

Time and time again, I see just how disconnected we are becoming as a human species.  Communication is poor at best and yet, we have all these communication devices to help us stay in touch.  It is really sad to watch if you sit back and take it all in.

Listening is the key skill that we've missed.  I see so many talk without listening.  Its like everyone has more on their mind of what to say, than to spend a split second listening.  Everyone has their minds running at such a fast rate and their nervous system pumped up as if it was on steroids, only to skip the part of listening to another person.

The past week I saw this happen so many times, it almost made my head completely spin around.  Talking without listening was at every corner I turned.  I remember the one lady in a Fedex office that didn't even know what I was trying to do, but she was already giving me an answer.  I remember the support person on the phone that started telling me what I needed to do, long before they were aware of what the situation was.

Therapeutic Listening For Suicide And Depression

Sometimes we all just need somebody to listen, to care and to live for in our life.  Sometimes, just having that much is critical to keeping our lives going during difficult moments of life.  Suicide and depression are all too ugly truths that we don't want to talk about, but yet for those that suffer through these things, they can mean either life or death.

I was reading a book recently called 1929 by M.L. Gardner.  While it is a fictional book, one of the characters had faced enormous upheaval and change along with feelings of great failure and disappointment.  Just before the stock market crash of 1929, he was riding high on the top of the world and had more money and people working for him than he could keep up with.  In a matter of a few hours, he went from his mighty empire to being completely broke and trying to figure out how to exist with the basics in life.

Through this time, he felt like he had failed so many people including himself.  Growing up with a father who expected and demanded so much out of him, he thought he was worthless.  Even though he tried to put on a good face and tried to do what everyone expected of him, he felt so lonely and worthless inside.  On the eve of Christmas, his best friend found him moments before he pulled the razor blade across his wrist.  At that moment of severe depression, his only thought was committing suicide.

Stopping And Observing The World We Live In

Birds Outside My Window
Stopping And Observing

Those little things in life that we often miss can bring such joy, peace, and a moment of relaxation to our day. Yet, we so often walk right past them, not even noticing what is playing out before our eyes. It is like going to a symphony, and failing to see the orchestra playing, or visiting some tropical paradise and failing to see the sunsets, coconuts, and palm trees. These moments are all around us for a reason.

Many years ago when I was paralyzed from a conversion disorder, I remember sitting outside all weekend long at the Bridgeway Hospital in Little Rock, Arkansas. It was the first chance in weeks and even in years that I could just sit out and observe the world around me. I remember sitting there for many hours just listening, watching, and taking in everything that was there. It was as if I was part of all that was going on.

If You're Talking, You're Not Listening

Today, I received a phone call from a place I do business with and the person on the other end felt it necessary to talk nonstop. Of course, every time I would try and say something, they would start in a mile a minute never once listening to a thing I said. In this case, it had to do with billing and I was trying to make sure they did not get double billed.

This isn't the first time I've run into this nor the first person that ever has done this. It seems to be an ongoing thread in our society. We don't listen to the other person, we just talk and talk and tell them everything that we feel they need to hear, rather than listening to them.

No matter what you do or how much you try to talk, these people just don't listen! They keep going on and on and getting louder and louder until they have drowned you out. What you have to say may be very vital to the conversation but unless you want to get in a shouting match, it doesn't matter. They are not going to hear you.

Growing up, my father and a brother was this way. They still are this way because they think they have to be the one yapping their gums louder than anyone else, or life doesn't go on! Neither of them would listen while I was growing up and they still don't! You could have told them the house was on fire, and I doubt they would have heard you.

It all boils down to how much more importantly we see ourselves than everyone else. If you're talking nonstop and louder than you need to, than you're not listening. If you're not listening, you're not valuing the other person much at all. You are treating them as if what they have to say or what concerns them does not matter.

A human body has two ears and one mouth. It would stand to reason that we use the ears twice as much as the mouth. Many humans do this but there are far too many that don't. If you don't believe me, just spend 15 minutes observing people around you or on the news. It will be quite obvious.

We can offer so much to so many by listening or at least finding a balance in a conversation. By closing our mouth and opening our ears, we lift the other person up and show them they are important to us. Let us try to use our ears and our mouth appropriately instead of using one more than the other! I'll bet if we all did that, our world would be a different place!




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Blog Post & Images (c) 6/10/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
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If any part of this post is used or shared, a link back to this site is required.
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Holding The Space For Someone

Sometimes, it gets very difficult in life to go through rough moments. We all have had those times when we were tested beyond measure and we felt it was next to impossible to make it through.

Perseverance and putting one foot in front of the other usually got us to the other side. For those around us, most likely it was difficult to watch the pain we were experiencing. At times, the difficulties we experienced most likely connected to pain within those who are close to us.

The most important help that anyone could give us in those moments was just to allow us to be in that space. Sometimes a person just needs to process the experience in order to find the way through the difficult moment.

If a person is suicidal with immediate plans or a danger to others, than life saving action must be taken. Often though, many who face despair may talk about drastic measures but it is their way of reaching out for help while they struggle to make sense of life. Most people want to fix someone or attempt to solve the difficult problems they are facing.

In all reality, what the individual needs is a listening ear or to just know that they are not all alone. Sometimes this act of pure love and compassion of just being there for the person is the strongest help one can give to another. This includes leaving your own agendas and fears out of the other person's process. For the moment of true support is not about you. It is about them!

We all need to know we are loved unconditionally. Through our life, we will come up against many challenges and if we know we are not walking alone, than we have much more strength to take on the challenges in our life. Never underestimate the power of holding the space for someone who needs a listening ear. You may be their life line back to reality.


Blog Post & Images (c) 12/10/10 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

The Path We Take

Each of us in this society, the world and the universe have a role to play. It is up to each one of to realize and understand what our role is and become intimately acquainted. There is a time of searching in our life that brings us to the moment we are at and if we do not heed that call, than we are not living up to our full potential.

This path of each individual impacts all of us in one way or another. All too often in our community, we tend to follow the lead of the person with the biggest megaphone instead of listening to our internal self which is illuminating our path. We give up reason and logic for the hope of someone telling us what we should do, how we should think and where we should go.

We sit ourselves in front of reality shows and non-stop commercials as mind numbed humans hoping to find something meaningful for our life in that moment. In all reality, we are longing for an illusion of what fictitiously is out there for us rather than opening up to that which is within our minds and our bodies.

For much of my life, I was taught to follow those in authority without questioning what they said. Whether it was in the church, in school or at home, I was not "allowed" to question all that was being shoved down my throats. If I dared question things, it was met with quick rebuke and condemnation. My path became that of following blindly what was fed to me because I knew that if I did not do this, life would be difficult at best.

As I grew up and went to college, I struggled with people that were different than me. In my mind, anyone that did not conform to the way I was taught to think was the person that was wrong or misinformed or considered in some cases to be evil and sinful. Some of this may sound very harsh but it was what I experienced. Most of my life was very difficult in connecting with people because even though I would never say it to anyone, I often looked down upon others because they did not believe, act and feel as I did in my life. This is what I was taught from an early age and I knew no different.

It was not until I started into college that I began questioning things more and seeing others act in ways that although they were different than what I would do, I did not see any harm arise from their their views. As I began to evaluate some of the things I grew up with, I started to learn that I did not have all the answers. My way was not the only way and just because I thought I was right, it did not mean that I was the king of my domain. In fact, I began to learn in life that often it is not about who is right or wrong but about what you learn along the way that matters. It is the unfolding of the process and walking the journey that moves us from being a person to becoming a conscious human.

To me, I see our current society doing so much that reminds me of my past. There are groups that are screaming at the top of their lungs trying to proclaim they are right. They use various adjectives and descriptions of the people who do not agree with them. It is not just one side of various issues as it is both sides. It dominates our society and our world.

Everyone is so busy screaming that they have no way to actually hear and listen to the other person. Through our screaming we fail to see the worth and value of each other. It is sad that we are becoming a society that gives little value to who each other is because everything has been replaced with judging what is right or wrong about the other person. Our opinions have become fact and our judgments have become the law of the land.

If we continue down this road we are on, we will wake up one of these days with swords in our hand while we continue to out scream one another. As I found out during my college years, there is much more to be learned and realized by opening ourselves up to all that is around us. Listening to our fellow humans is the way forward. Accepting all that we are taught on the TV and in the media is nothing more than following the masses and closing our minds. We have much more potential than this as humans. We do not need to pull ourselves up to what is being thrown out as the truth and accept it as if it is the only morsel we will ever eat.

We need to open our eyes and question everything we do. We need to search for what life really means and what it means to be human. It is much more than going to a job every day, coming home to a routine and then absorbing all that the media tells us is good and true. It is much more than pushing our minds and bodies so hard that we make ourselves sick as we succumb to what the medical ads and doctors dictate is the most healthiest thing for our ailing body. It is much more than just following some new age line of thinking or sitting in a church pew and agreeing with everything being taught.

No, it isn't easy to stand up and say, "I don't think I quite agree with you." When people are all on one bandwagon, it is not easy to stand alone and say, I see a different way through this. Often it is difficult for us to even convince ourselves that we truly need to go in and examine our innermost thoughts and our own awareness. Much of the time, it feels easier to just go with the flow, not rock the boat and follow that which you've always followed.

As humans, we are meant to evolve and we are meant to be more than we currently are in our life. Trials, difficulties, pains and ailments are meant to get our attention and keep us going inward. These things are difficult beyond measure but without them around us, we may not grow like we are meant to grow in our lives.

If you get only one thing out of what I have written, please go in and search that which is within yourself. What about you makes sense and what doesn't? What ideals do you follow and why? Question yourself extensively and do not accept easy answers when you ask yourself these questions. Make yourself uncomfortable when you search yourself and find out why you truly feel the way you do about life. Look and find that which is a higher truth rather than that which is based upon fears, opinions and jumping on the bandwagon of judgment by others.

For if we all do this, we not only improve ourselves as people, but we evolve ourselves into a higher level of consciousness. By doing this individually, we are then able to offer up much more to those around us and to the world as a whole. We become contributing humans rather than one of the masses and the entire universe benefits. There is so much more out there for each one of us but if we keep our eye sights fixated on that which is comfortable, than we are missing some of the greatest wonders of the universe.

(Above Picture (c) 1/10/07, Miami, Florida)