Does Social Media Waste Time?

Written By Don Shetterly

I'm considering dropping off of social media altogether.  In my mind, I'm asking the question, does social media waste time?

If you drop off of social media, does that mean you still exist?  I wonder some days because it seems like all that matters.

On Facebook, people post "simple things" that would have been emailed forwarded at one time.  These things barely say anything, but everyone does it.  Then people react.  When I see that "someone has reacted," I'm thinking ok - is that a good thing?  It just seems so superficial to me.  It doesn't feel real or authentic on Facebook.  If it does to you, then by all means continue.  I've just seen people that once emailed me with "substance" now click like or react to something I've put on Facebook.

On Twitter, people retweet and do all kinds of gimmicks that just get annoying.  They are superficial responses in my mind.  After seeing a thousand of these come through at a time, it gets mind-boggling.  

On Instagram, people love to share pictures of their food or other things that you can barely tell what they are.  I guess if you're there, the image means something but to most people, it doesn't give a clear picture.  Of course, there are the likes on that as well which are supposed to mean something in our day.

Let's not even worry about all the other social media sites.  There are too many to name.

We have so much superficial communication going on that no wonder it seems like we're all so disconnected.  We have so many ways to connect with one another, and yet we're like superficial wanderers passing one another in the dark.

People rant and rave all day thinking they are doing something good, but in my view, it is just passing the stuff on, not helping in the least.  If you elevate that which you don't like, you're suppressing the good stuff in my view.

People exclaim how bad some people are, yet they go off and do the same thing.  Am I doing the same thing here?  I hope not.  They elevate the bullies by giving them a voice when if most bullies had no audience, they probably would not do half of what they do.  Maybe I just live in a pie-in-the-sky world with how I view things, but I'm really tired of all of this on social media.

I think we are either part of the solution or part of the problem.  The answer is not always out-screaming the other person proving that you're right and they are wrong.

Social media feels like a waste of time to me. 
I'm not sure if I will continue it or severely limit how
much time I spend on it (more than I do now). 

I honestly think we need to learn how to be human again in our communication.  Likes, retweets, shares, and screaming isn't doing it.  We're becoming less than human in my view.  It is not how you build a society or find ways to work together.  Well, at least in its current form, this is not working.

Surely we can find better ways to make use of social media then letting our own egos take control of the keyboard.  No, it isn't everyone else out there doing this.  We're all at fault.  We just don't see the log in our own eye.

What do you think?  How do you see Social Media?

By the way, read an earlier blog post about "Your Personal Power Of Communication."  It speaks more to this issue.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 1/1/18 by Don Shetterly

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Asleep By SmartPhones

This one is getting to be an epidemic.  Our smartphones can be so helpful, but they can also keep us so disconnected and asleep. It is getting sad these days, as I look around and no one is paying attention to anything but their smartphones.

In the example posted on the blog post, Are You Asleep, there are some issues with Sally and her smartphone.  She can go to her happy and safe place with her phone.  Yes, it is disconnecting from everyone, but hey she is still there present with them, although asleep. 

Yes, we can probably chime in and say, "Oh I hate it - everyone is on their smartphones these days but not paying attention".  Yet,... and this is a big YET, we fail to see we are doing the same thing.  We're too asleep to notice.  We're too disconnected to notice what we do.

It is easy to point the finger at others, but with the majority of people doing it, we might need to realize that three fingers are pointing back at ourselves.  It isn't just others that do this!  That's the point I'm trying to make.

Smartphones can be good.  I love them.  I love what I can do on them, but sometimes (myself included), we let them control our lives.  If you don't think you do, try shutting it off for 24 hours and putting it away.  Let me know how that is going after an hour or two.

We connect to so many people online, but in many ways we don't connect with anyone.  We just stay behind a screen of likes, favorites, shares and forwards.  We just don't engage with others in a humanistic way.  We are asleep and disconnected and numb for the most part.

If we could limit ourselves and find balance, it would be helpful to the mind and body.  It would make us all more human, rather than these high strung opinionated people we are becoming.

Humans require physical communication with one another, I believe.  I'm not sure I believe that smartphones rise to that level. In the long run, they are hurting us.  They are hurting us because we have lost our balance, and grown asleep in our lives.

Make sure you check out the next part in this 11 part series

 Part 10 is "Feeling Pain In The Body"

 

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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How Impersonal Can You Get?

I scratch my head sometimes trying to figure out the human species.  We have all these communication forms at our fingertips and yet, it seems like we don't know how to communicate.

We are so busy with our lives, that we don't stop to take a moment and say "hello" or "how are you doing" or some other simple statement.  We just go on and on about how busy we are and how we've got a zillion things to do and how we just don't have time to keep up with any of our friends.  We apologize ad nausea until our repeated apologies sound like a broken record.

Yet, the minute the latest political story of the day comes out, we are on it so hard.  We're tweeting away, we're texting our friends, or we're liking it on Facebook.  It becomes our sole focus and then consumes us, but yet, we are too busy for others in our lives.

Anything more than a simple text or tweet or Facebook like seems to be quite complicated for most humans these days.  I mean, why engage and truly let someone know they matter in your life, when you can just click a little heart or click a like.  How impersonal can you get?  Yes, I know these platforms draw you in to make it so easy to do, but it is the lowest form of communication that you can do.

I see various people that I've communicated with on a regular basis ignore me almost since I'm no longer real active on Facebook.  Without Facebook, it is like you don't exist.  If you don't text people, it is like you don't exist.  Sorry, but how in the world did we ever manage up to this point in time without Facebook, Text Message, and Twitter?  I'm being sarcastic there of course.

If my memory serves me correctly, there is a song that Tracy Lawrence sings (might have the wrong country music artist) but it is about if everyone had a front porch - in other words - people got to know one another and communicate with one another.  It is a thing of the past that I miss.  Yet, in those days, we only saw and heard what we wanted to see as well.  It wasn't always a good thing as we want to remember.

We've become so impersonal with our communication that we barely know one another.  We're more interested in screaming at one another through social media, than we are seeing each other through eyes of love, compassion, and understanding.  We're more interested in screaming our beliefs and opinions at one another than we are just communicating with one another.  We're more interested in hating one another than truly loving each other.

If we don't watch out, we will wake up one of these days and wonder who these other two-legged creatures are around us.  It takes communication.  It takes not being too busy for others.  It takes really making a personal effort by each one of us to make an attempt to see those around us in our life as if they matter.

Are we too busy for others?  Unfortunately, the rhetorical question deserves an answer of YES.  It is up to each one of us to change that.  It isn't the fault of anyone else out there in the world.  Either you're too busy for others in your life or you make time for them.  It is that plain and simple.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly

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Lonely Voices

These days, it seems like everyone is screaming.  It seems to me like there are far too many lonely voices out there just wanting to be heard, wanting for someone to care and to show they care.

We are surrounded by all this social media and we're constantly connected, but there is a void that I think everyone feels.  The void of having that personal one-on-one interaction with someone.  It is the part where you know someone cares about you and you care about someone.  It is the part where there is physical interaction, not just words on a screen.

Modern day communication isn't necessarily a bad thing, but we've let it become our sole source of communication.  We've let it rule our world.  It is like we stare at our phones all the time as if nothing else matters.  It is a lonely voice.

If you're one that can put the phone down, I give you big bunches of kudos. However, I think most of us feel like we're not tied to our phones and social media, even if we are.  We tend to think we have our lives under control, when we may just likely be one of the lonely voices.  Most of us would be horrified to put our phone down and walk away from it for a few hours or a day.

All you have to do is take an account of how often you reach for your phone rather than physically stop to talk to someone or sit outside with the birds.  Can you honestly put the phone down and walk away from it for an hour or two or even a day?  If not, you may want to notice that give it some time for evaluation.

You can see the lonely voices walking around the city as you observe just how much everyone looks at their phones.  The fingers are flying as they communicate, but they miss that voice.  They miss that energetic connection.  They miss that body language.  Communication has been reduced to a single-flat-lining moment.  There is no depth to it.

Let us learn how to balance and modulate our phone devices, because if we don't, we will become a lonely voice - calling out for attention and love and care.   After all, loneliness is pretty harmful to the brain.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

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The Things People Say

I am completely amazed some days.  What humans do often tend to baffle me, but they are peculiar creatures.  The things people say are one of the things that often baffles me to the point where I question the evolution of our species in a positive way.

Things that people say are often not thought out.  They just blurt out (especially online in social media), whatever comes to their mouth or fingers.  Their brains don't even have a moment to filter or cross check the bit of communication.  It is just say it because they can.

Empathy or respect is missing...

Empathy or respect or consideration is not present when people say things to one another.  It is like, I'm going to tell you what I think I must say regardless of thinking how it might affect you.  It is like speaking and writing without even considering if this is the best way to bring things out.

Often, much of the things people say are just not needed.  If they stayed silent, the earth would still continue.  If they didn't bloviate, the sun would still rise and set.  Yet, these days everyone thinks that the world needs to know every thought they have.  They think that everyone needs to know their point of view.

Stop and think for a moment...

If we could all just stop and think for a moment before we type something online or say something, it would help the world in ways no one can even imagine.  It would make the world a much more peaceful place.  It would improve the intelligence of our communication.

I don't understand the need for humans to say some of the things they say online.  Most of it is hurtful and disrespectful and just not good for the advancement of a society.  It is done without regard for others, and is the ego screaming at full strength by the person speaking or writing the words.

 

(click here to read)

How much better we could be if we learned to respect one another.  How much better could we be if we thought a moment before we opened our mouth or commented online.  How much better could we be if communication was a perfected art, rather than the lowest common denominator.

My question to you that I leave is, how do you watch what you say?  Do you monitor it and are respectful, or do you let it rip - especially online?  Comment below and let me know.  I'd love to hear from you.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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The Art Of Communication

In this day and age, electronic message rules the world.  If Facebook has their way, there will be no more need for telephones.  I'm sure Alexander Graham Bell would not have been able to comprehend this even in his day.

Unfortunately with the age of electronic messaging and Facebook and social media, humans are becoming a species that does not fully communicate with one another.  Our faces are buried in our phones with our thumbs typing incoherent symbols and abbreviations to one another.  We are becoming void of the art of communication.

Misunderstandings often happen because we don't know how to communicate.  Misunderstandings happen because sometimes we need to speak up.  Communication is difficult enough in the best of circumstances and trying at the worst of times.

Communication is about learning how to listen and speak up.  It is about learning how to get your thought across to another person without expecting that they should read your mind.  No one really knows what goes on in another person's mind, but yet we as a human species expect that all too often.

If we fail to try to learn how to better communicate, can we expect to be heard?  Can we expect someone to understand us if we expect them to read our mind?  If we don't practice and improve on the art of communication, how can we expect the world to understand what it is that we know?

I am always amazed that even when I think I'm stating something clearly, it can often get misinterpreted and misunderstood.  Even the simplest of statements in communication don't always get received by the recipient the way we think they do.

Hopefully the recipient speaks up and asks for clarification or we detect the deficiency of delivery.  This is one reason that the electronic messaging fails because we cannot see how the other person reacts to what we said.  The body language is not available for observation and it is a key in communication.

Let's be all that we can be as humans by working on communication.  Let's learn to find our flaws and then work to improve them.  Let's not just assume that everyone understands what we may not be saying even if we think we are saying it.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2/1/16 by Don Shetterly

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The Game of Social Media Likes

Some days I just shake my head in disbelief.  The communication we now employ among others in our civilization is not really communication.  It is a fake put on smile.  It is a fake series of keystrokes designed to make everyone believe it is useful and valid.

It is a game of social media likes.  It is a game of making people think that somehow a "like" or a "share" on Facebook equates with communication, caring, and support.  Sure, maybe I'm being a little harsh on this, but it sure feels this way at times.

Of course Facebook does its best to promote this practice, because the more each user comes back to their Facebook page, the more valuable they are to Facebook.  There is a reason why it is set up this way and the "like" button feeds into that process.

Let Me Call You Back

One of the things I've seen these days is how people go about getting off of the phone.  Instead of them bringing the conversation to a close, they just say "let me call you back."  They make it sound like something is going on and then they just urgently make sure you hang up the call.  It doesn't matter if you call them or they call you.

No one calls back of course.  They just made it sound like they would.  They made it sound like the conversation you were having was important, but "poof" they are gone.  I find it disturbing to say the last.  I find it rude and very poor etiquette.  It is disrespectful.

To me, it really says, you don't matter.  I didn't want to talk to you in the first place, but this was my only way off the phone.  Of course, it doesn't matter if they called you and you're not the type of person to really want to talk on the phone forever.  They just felt it was better to be rude and get off the phone with some lame excuse.

Hello, Anyone Home?

In this day and age of social media, we are losing our communication ability.   We barely communicate, except to post a nice little happy thing or a protest or something that 50 million have already shared.  I keep wondering, is anyone home?  Hello, anyone home?

I know, I know - we are all busy these days.  We've got a million things to do and so a quick tweet or Facebook post is all we've got.  What bugs me the most though is the impersonal nature of online social media.  It isn't like we are really sharing anything most of the time.  We are just sending mind numbing stuff to our friends list over and over.  It used to just happen in forwarded emails.

Yes, some of this is good, but after awhile, it becomes so over-saturated, that it loses all flavor.  It becomes just another post in the noise of life, really not adding as much as most people think.  When I get 60 to 80 phone calls a day and more email than I can read, I really see firsthand just how much noise there is on the internet.

Talking Without Listening

Time and time again, I see just how disconnected we are becoming as a human species.  Communication is poor at best and yet, we have all these communication devices to help us stay in touch.  It is really sad to watch if you sit back and take it all in.

Listening is the key skill that we've missed.  I see so many talk without listening.  Its like everyone has more on their mind of what to say, than to spend a split second listening.  Everyone has their minds running at such a fast rate and their nervous system pumped up as if it was on steroids, only to skip the part of listening to another person.

The past week I saw this happen so many times, it almost made my head completely spin around.  Talking without listening was at every corner I turned.  I remember the one lady in a Fedex office that didn't even know what I was trying to do, but she was already giving me an answer.  I remember the support person on the phone that started telling me what I needed to do, long before they were aware of what the situation was.

Is Social Media Communication Human?

Do we really read anything anymore?  I mean, do we really read what is before our eyes.  After the advent of text messages, twitter, and the "likes" on Facebook, do we really communicate or read or even care about communication?

Communication is an art form.  It is part of the human experience.  It is about sharing a bond between one human and another.  Yes, even animals of all sorts do this.  Even plants know how to communicate.

Communication occurs on so many different levels from the words we use to the sounds and inflections of our voices.  The body language which emphasizes or supports our words and sometimes even shows the inaccuracy of our words.  The energy we bring to a conversation and the knowing that is involved help us to communicate in ways we don't even consider.

Fake Communication Through Social Media

Communication these days is lacking when it comes to humans interacting with one another.  Yes, if you can LIKE something or RETWEET something and call that communication, then I guess one could claim there is communication.  However, a like or a retweet really doesn't say much.  Life could go on without these things and it would not miss a step.

We have convinced ourselves in this world that social media is the best thing created since we learned how to take a breath.  Yet if we really thought about it, we would see that were faking the human experience out with pseudo communication.  In other words, we have convinced our minds that we communicate with one another when in reality, there is no personal connection.

Day after day everyone engages in this new form of communication.  Of course let me state that it does have some value when used in moderation.  When we substitute human interaction for this, we're missing something vital that we need for our self and the world at large.

Body Language

Body Language

Body language often says more than our words say to others around us.  One of the things that I got from all the years of abuse I went through, was the ability to read body language without thinking much about it.  Often, I can see much more in what someone is really saying, rather than just the words they are speaking. 

Years ago, I remember telling employees that worked under me to not lie because if they did, I would figure it out.  I pick up on very subtle clues in people and when I see their body language in addition to hearing the words, I can tell almost instantly that they are lying.  I have see Judge Judy do this on TV as well where she can tell in an instant if someone is lying or not.  My friends get shocked at me because sometimes if I am watching someone being interviewed on TV, I'll shout, "they're lying" without thinking what I am saying.

Body language goes further than this though in really shedding light as to what a person is thinking as they speak.  Sometimes people just don't have confidence in the words they speak and that really shows or they might not believe what they are saying but they are trying to be convincing.  Sometimes people hide from the real truth inside and not necessarily intentionally, but their body language and their words don't match up. 

Heavy Handed Intereaction

What if we met the person where they were instead of where we thought they needed to be. Yes, i know many give lip service to this being at the forefront of their interactions. Yet, if we were truly honest with ourselves, we would see that more often than not, this is not the case.

Often through our words, actions and projections on to others, we tell people what we think they should hear! We project our feelings, emotions, fears and body language on to them as if it were their greatest moment in life.

Often, our fears which we may or may not realize that we hold within our bodies get in the way of how we interact with people. These fears impact others in profound ways. We tend to put on the cloak of being knowledgeable or the face of acting like we are so happy and nothing is bothering us. Sometimes we are loud and forceful in our views either online or face to face.

Stop for a moment and think about this. If you are sharing yourself in an open way or struggling through a moment in life, do you want people coming down hard on you and making you feel as if you have no clue in life? More likely than not, you don't! I'm not talking about sharing something with someone that maybe needs to be said. Heavy handed interactions should occur with a lot less frequency than they do in life.

Contrast the heavy handed interaction with an ear that listens, a heart that accepts and eyes that see the best in the people around you. How would that make you feel if you received this versus the heavy handed interaction? It has been stated that listening is critical to how good a therapist can be in counseling. Many people just want to be heard and in our busy and hectic world of noise, no one is there to listen.

May we rise above ourselves and meet people where they are at, not where we think they should be. May we learn to listen more and talk less. May we truly appreciate and respect others as we learn to appreciate, love and respect ourselves while owning up to the fears present in our life. Once we understand this, than we will become more human than we have ever been.


Further Reading:
1) If You're Talking, You're Not Listening (Blog Post 6/16/11)
2) Quiet Please, Just Listen (Blog Post 5/12/11)


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Labyrinth Communication From Angels

Today I walked the labyrinth for the second time in my life at the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center in Orlando, Florida. The first time was on June 28, 2010 with a friend of mine, Trish Kalhagen.

Last night as I was talking to my friend, Trish, on the phone about labyrinths, I felt the need to go and walk the labyrinth again. So I made plans and traveled to Orlando to do this. The weather was beautiful and the skies were clear and sunny.

When I got there, several ladies were outside enjoying their lunch time but they were extremely loud and obnoxious. They were sitting close to the labyrinth and I was hoping they would see what we were doing and be a little more quiet and respectful. However, that was not the case and as much as I tried to silence them in my mind, I was growing frustrated that they would not be respectful of what we were doing or even anyone else around that patio area. I felt it was very rude and so I ended up just stopping and sitting out there until they got up and left.

When they left, I once again started my walk and did the entire thing from the beginning. I focused on my breath and really tried to let go of the energy of these people. It was not easy but I knew that if I held on to what they did, it would stop whatever I needed to experience.

As I began to walk, I thought about all these things and my life. With each step I took, I could feel a presence around me of angels. The angels were many but there was one that was more dominant in speaking than the others. The words flowed from them to me like a continuous conversation sharing with me wisdom, support and love that I needed in my life.

It was not like I was hearing them audibly talk to me but the thoughts flowing into my mind was the communication that I was receiving from the angels. It was a thought pattern that was rapid thoughts one right after another with a volume of information about my life and where I was headed. It was communication that was supportive and full of love. I knew these weren't my thoughts for I cannot sustain this pace of things coming into my mind for this period of time.

I realize that I do pick up many things in small amounts throughout my day and meditation time but not to the extent that this was happening. This was the first time I have had the volume of information come through that I did. I was afraid that I would not be able to remember all of it and I was told by the angels that when I needed this information, it would be there in my life as a part of me. I would not have to worry about accessing it. It would become me. While I would love to share many of these things, I feel they are personal between me and the angels. I honor all that they shared with me and so I'd like to keep these words in this sacred space I now hold.

When I was done walking, I felt more peaceful and more centered in my life. It felt like my body was free and I just enjoyed the warmth and beauty of the skies and sun around me. The gentle brush of the wind was powerful. I'm so glad that I went down and walked the labyrinth because it truly was what I needed to do.

This time was much different from the first and I'm glad it was. I was not sure what to expect because I did not have my friend here with me. However, I just allowed myself to be on the labyrinth walking in whatever way unfolded. I did not try to do anything or bring anything about. I just allowed myself to be in that one moment of today. Outside of the distracting noises, I felt like I was walking in a sacred space. I know the angels were there with me because not only did I hear all that they had to say but I felt their presence. I am thankful for this experience and I am allowing myself to feel the peace of the walk.

Further Reading:

• My First Time Walking The Labyrinth
• Walking The Labyrinth
  

For More Information on Labyrinths, contact Trish Kalhagen

(c) 11/15/10 by Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Missed Biological Connections

When a person does not have the biological connection to life, it leaves them in a an altered state. The biological connection of a child to a family is so critical. While there are some parents and families that are so toxic to a child, you can never fully replace your biological family.

If this biological connection is missed early on or if it is severed later in life, there is a gaping whole that little can completely fill. Yes, there are many replacement fillers that one can use to fill the gaping hole, but the whole in one's life will always be there. It affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions in one way or another.

Think of a small child who has grown up without knowing their family. Or the child that was not wanted but later adopted. Even consider a child where a parent is absent at some point in their life due to divorce, separation or death. There is even the point where children and families become separated because of secrets in the family or other events beyond their control including child abuse.

Without these constant and healthy biological connections, a child is forced to view the existence of its world in a much different way. What is normal to that child may be considered anything but normal to others. The child's foundation for viewing everyday existence, is so skewed that even they struggle to find balance and ground in life.

Unfortunately these things take place in our society and our world more often than we may want to admit. These missed biological connections rip apart the fabric of humanity. We as a civilization become less than human. Children grow up being forced to deal with a harsh and difficult world without the necessary building blocks of life. Children are forced to deal with and learn how to create some resemblance of these missed biological connections.

Like others I have met in life, I was one of those children who experienced moments in life where the biological connections were missed. Early in life, my father was sick with contagious hepatitis. I am not sure how old I was but the story told me was that my mom could only visit me in the hospital or my father but not both. For some reason, she chose my father. I was left to be cared for and loved by strangers who were the nurses. While I do not have conscious memory of these events, I saw the effect of it throughout my life. Any separation from my mom was a horrific emotional experience that I could barely manage.

After I was paralyzed and my parents pushed me to the point of cutting off communication, the biological connection that existed was severed once again. This time it never recovered for me and to this day, it remains a painful experience. I have done much to replace the pain but I still feel the effects of these severed connections in life.

I know that for each one of us who have experienced these missing or severed biological connections, life does go on. We find a way to cope and to heal. We do experience life in a different way. While we search to balance what seems normal with what actually is normal, our steps in life may not be easy. Each passing day we find out more about who we are and what we are made of in our life. We grow in ways that are unimaginable to many. In the end, I believe we will more fully understand why our lives were presented with these missed biological connections.

Further Reading:

1) Trauma: Biological Connections

2) Adopted and Abandoned Children

(Above Picture taken at Carrol Rec Center, Carrol, IA - (c) 10/18/10)

Some Days I Feel Alone

The following was written in my journal on Oct 8, 2010.

As much as I've worked on this issue, there are still times that I feel so all alone. I am very sensitive anyway and so the slightest thing can make me feel shunned by others. But when people get quiet or don't communicate, I go bonkers inside thinking the worst. I've got a few people in life that are doing this to me at the moment and it is driving me nuts! They may not even mean anything by it but yeessh, I'm like enough. And it seems like there are times when this really bugs me more than others. This is one of those times! Some days I feel alone!

(Picture taken at Green Springs Park, Deltona, FL - (c) 05/11/10)

The Silent Treatment Sentence

There are some things I just don't understand in life. Like, how people can somehow be oblivious to the way they treat others. Their silence or aloofness can feel like a sword thrust into the body. It may not mean much to them but it means so much to others.

Of course, growing up in a house where insults were hurled at the speed of light in a very subtle way, these interactions of communication get very difficult. In times past, one was not allowed to defend themselves or even stand up for your self. It was take it as it comes with no questions asked. If you did manage to question things, most likely you were awarded and given the silent treatment.

The silent treatment was given in hopes that you would come to your senses. It's purpose was to bring you in line with the wishes and desires of the family. Then, if you worked hard enough and were as nice as you could possibly be, you might have the sentence of the silent treatment lifted. Most of the time though, your efforts fell short.

The quickest way out of the silent treatment, was if another member of the family did something to receive the same sentence. Usually there could not be more than one person being shunned and in the doghouse at a time. Most of the time, the family only had the fortitude to hate one member at the moment. Some might argue that "hate" is to strong of an action word to describe this but it sure felt that way.

Before anyone thinks that the silent treatment sentence was given for major infractions, lets set the record straight. It could have been given for the smallest things you did or did not necessarily do. In fact, you might have been unaware of any thing you did to deserve it, but without a doubt, you knew you were being given the silent treatment. Often it was given in circumstances where you disagreed with the family in some area of life and this could include a vast array of situations. Sometimes though, if you followed your heart's desires or longings and the family rulers felt this was wrong for you, the silent treatment began. I could give example after example on this.

Growing up and even now in life, a lack of communication or even poor communication can feel like the silent treatment to me. Most likely others don't mean to be this way but I'm finding that so many just don't know how to communicate. It is difficult though for me to separate out communication problems from the fears of being given the silent treatment.

The loneliness one feels when the world is silent to you is so hurtful. It registers within my gut and holds my breath as if I have said the wrong thing. It makes me to never cease working to hopefully get people to like me. The feeling of the silent treatment is exhausting to my mind and my body.

I've come leap years through this but sometimes it is all I can do to keep it in perspective. Life sometimes throws challenges my way to help me heal this, but that can come with great difficulty and stress. for now, I keep trying to recognize that the old tapes are playing and that I am free to live my life as I choose. I am no longer bound to those messages I was taught as a child unless I continue to allow myself to be. I recognize there will be speed bumps as I continue to grow and heal but the more I reclaim of myself, the more I discover exactly who I am.


*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Adopted & Abandoned Children

All my life, I never felt like I fit in with my family. I always felt like the odd person out - the one that did not fit in, the one that didn't belong! I was so sensitive to things and saw things in a different way than my family with the one exception - my mom. She could sense, pick up on things and just know things that weren't visible to the conscious mind. I'm much the same way.

After I left home, I remember obtaining a copy of my birth certificate to see who my actual parents were. For a long time I felt like I was adopted. I felt like I had been born into the wrong family or someone switched me at birth. Really - I did! The birth certificate states my parents are the ones that gave birth to me. And of course, for a long time, I didn't believe it until others started telling me that I did resemble some of the physical features of my parents.

This may all sound odd to question and believe me, I still question it at times. Yes, I know I grew up with these people and I resemble them and I share some of the traits my mom has but in all honesty, I just don't feel like I belong to the family I was born and raised into. Maybe that is for good reason considering all I went through but it is a hard pill for me to swallow.

Several years ago, when I had went through my paralysis and was trying to piece my life back together, I received many hurtful, painful and downright evil letters from my family. It got to a point that I could not even think about going to my mailbox without having an anxiety attacks. These letters came to me for many months and were chastising and demeaning and manipulative.

Things got so bad that it came to a point where I had to just sever all ties with them. I had to totally let go and cut the ties in order for me to survive. My life was a fragile pile of pieces at that point where I was barely getting through my days. With the nightmares that haunted me every hour to the anxiety attacks that came as the wind blew to the fears that overwhelmed me, it was difficult to function. Any outside attacks on me just became more weight that piled on me as if there was no tomorrow. Many times, I wanted to give up. Many times, I tried to give up.

So my choice to stop all communication and contact with my family was out of necessity. It is a decision no one should have to make. No kid should ever have to endure what I went through either. Yet, I have struggled for years because I don't have that family connection. It is a biological connection. It is a basic connection for all humans.

Yes, I've heard many say that you can create your own family and you can make your life into what you want it to be. I know you can do this and I've done a lot of this work already. But at the same time, you cannot replace the biological family connection. It is such a basic function in our biology. Without that biological connection, you face life as if you are on your own. There is no "family" to fall back on and there is no "family" there to support you. You're not able to talk to your family much like others do. It is like a gaping hole within you that no matter what you put in there and no matter how much you try to fill it in, it is still there. It never seems to go away.

Maybe this is how children who are adopted and abandoned feel. I've known some people in my life that were literally tossed in a garbage can on the street and somehow they survived. However, you could see the deep pain of abandonment in their eyes and you could sense how out of step with the world they felt. There are so many children that are born because two adults decide to have sex but when the child comes, they could care less if it exists. The lucky ones find homes where they are loved. The unlucky ones are left to fight and struggle for their existence. And yet, we as a society turn our heads to these things as we close our eyes hoping that these type of situations just don't exist.

Writing all of this really doesn't bring any answers for myself and it really doesn't give me the comfort I need. I long for that biological connection which is now lost forever. Even if I could have it, the connection to the person that hurt me is so toxic, I would not wish a moment alone with them. I continue on in my life, trying to deal with the absence of the biological connection to my family. Maybe at some point in the future, it will lessen more but I can guarantee you that every holiday which comes around, I am reminded in very strong ways that the connection does not exist. If I ever figure out how to completely let go of this part of my life, I'll be sharing it with the world! For now, its a process that continues to unfold.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

The Right Words, The Right Time

Because of my background and experiences, I am very sensitive to "words" that people speak, the manner in which these words are spoken and the subtle nuances of the voice and speech. It was a survival technique for me because through what was being said to me many years ago, I could detect what was about to happen with that person. Early detection may have meant less pain in many ways.

People that have worked for me or that know me, usually hear a statement from me, to not try and lie to me. I'll generally pick the lie up. Most of that is done through the voice but also facial expressions and most of the time, it is extremely quick for me to do this. There have been many times when I've been watching something on the TV, like a news show or one of those TV courtroom things, and I blurt out - they are lying! (even have done this with politicians). Of course, sometimes it is not so quick with me and it takes a few hours or days for my mind to process that someone is lying to me. Regardless, I usually figure it out.

So words are not just words to me. They either match up to what the person is saying or they are filler and appear to be for entertainment purposes only. It does not even have to be a direct lie either as it may be that the person just does not believe fully in what they are saying.

I remember some situations where I have been with other healers in bodywork sessions and they "say words" but the words don't have the correct timing or merit to be used in that moment. So instead of the words helping further the healing session, they detract from it. There have been so many numerous times this has happened. Yet, the right word in one of these moments has led to an enormous break through in my life.

Another situation is when you go through difficult times such as the loss of a loved ones and people use words to try and offer up compassion and concern for you. However, the words do not fit the situation and so instead of comfort, they result in a sense of frustration and pain. Just be yourself and if you are unsure of what to say, just let them know you are there for them. During a time of loss, the feeling of being alone is a difficult one.

One thing people like to do is to "force" you to feel better through the use of words because if you're feeling better, than it does not put them in an awkward spot. My own father loved the phrase, "you've got to pull yourself up by your bootstraps, dust your britches off and move on". While there is nothing inherently wrong with that phrase, the wrong timing of it can have a negative effect rather than a positive effect. For some people, statements such as this often lead to connections of negative pain from unhealed moments in their lives which lead to negative results. So while you may think those inspirational words are the best thing since sliced bread, stop and consider what you are saying. Allow that person to feel just as they are, giving them space to work through that which they are dealing with. You'll be much more effective than pushing your ways upon them will be.

The lack of words can be just as harmful as well for when a person needs to know someone is there and all they hear is silence, than they may feel very lonely. This does not mean you have to talk their ear off, but in a compassionate way, let them know that you truly are there for them and are listening to them.

It has been stated many times that one of the best things we can do for someone is offer our ears and just listen to them. As my mom always used to say, we were given two ears and one mouth - let us use these parts appropriately". In other words, we should listen more than we speak. For in listening, you are truly saying to the other person, "I value you and what you have to say". Listening to others and being there for them without any judgment or preconceived ideas allows many big mountains to be moved into the sea.

The next time you're around someone, stop for a moment and just see how it is that you interact with them. If you are the one doing the talking constantly, maybe you need to evaluate what that is all about. If you are always trying to solve or give words to someone when they are going through difficult times, maybe you would be far more effective in letting them talk their way to discovery. It will be much more powerful for them.

Also, understand the words that you use, can have positive or negative power. Just because the words mean something to you, it does not mean they mean the same to someone else. Try not to use words as if they are cheap, but use them in a way that they hold so much power and if used in the right time, who knows what is possible!