Biological Family Connections

For those that know me, family is a very difficult subject for me in my life. Some days I have wondered how I was born into the family I was. For a long time, I really wondered if somehow I was switched at birth.

Except for my mom, I have very little in common with my family. Yes, we do share some of the biological and upbringing traits but outside of that, my concept of what life is all about seems to be miles apart from those in my family.

I was the middle of three boys born into a family of turmoil and abuse at the hands of my father and continued with my older brother among other various participants in life. Boundaries were nonexistent, lives were controlled and manipulated at home and church, while fear and torment were our closest allies. When my father wasn't screaming at us, my two brothers were going at each other's throats.

While I do remember more than sometimes I really want to remember, much of my past I have blocked out. In 2002, my mom was killed in a car accident and since that time, I really do feel as if I am on my own, separated in life. Because of what my older brother and father did to not only me but to my younger brother, the family bonds are non existent.

Before my Mom died, I had not been able to speak with her for 10 years. My younger brother and I give the appearance that we've been able to talk but we both know that it is nothing more than damaged threads of communication.

There are the relatives that do say hi from time to time and are friendly but of course, they seem like mere strangers that I have faintly become acquainted with. One cousin seems to ignore me for the most part which I am sure is in part due to her religious practices. Other cousins on both sides of the family are ones that I know very little about and if I walked by them tomorrow, I would not even know it.

I know I'm not alone out there as many people have suffered through some horrible family moments in their own lives. Some days it does hurt as I'm sure others will attest to. There seems to be no way to ever replace the biological ties of the family you were born in to when you entered this world. You can do many things to help make up for the losses but that biological family connection is one that cannot be replaced.

Some days, it feels pretty lonely in life and because of some of what I've been through, I fear that others in my life will disappear or leave me or tell me they no longer want anything to do with me. I find it difficult at times in life to wonder if people that I trust really mean well or are they just using me, as it once again reminds me of days gone by where you could trust no one. By trusting no one, I refer to my parents, the baby sitter, the creepy guy in church, my teachers and my family.

I know I have come so many miles in this journey but there are days when it is difficult beyond comprehension. There are days that I question everything and head for my bunker in the ground. I so badly wish that I could sever the biological connections as if they had never been there in the first place. Yet, I know that to do this, I would be claiming the impossible.

Life will continue to go on no matter how difficult my moments get. I seem to have a never ending supply of courage and determination. If only my energy and resolve and confidence could keep up, I would greatly be propelled along in life. In many ways, I don't fully understand all that my journey has for me to walk through but I know or at least I hope I will know that one day as I look back, this will all make sense to me!




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Blog Post & Images (c) 6/12/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

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What Do You Believe?

Sometimes people believe in many things and yet there are things that don't fit into their view box of the way life should be. We as humans tend to discount those things or we put rules in place to keep them at a safe distance. People in churches, new age philosophies, rulers, government officials and ordinary people do this all this all the time. Much of the time, it goes unnoticed by the people who subscribe to these rules and beliefs.

Yes, there are things being expounded upon that really do not hold up to the test of time. However, to pick and choose what is proper for others to believe or accept is different for all of us. We should not all be the same. Yet, too often in our world we push everyone to be in lockstep with the mainstream society or with the subculture we are part of.

Each of us must find the truth within ourselves. We must go in and feel it within our body. When we find the existence of it deep within ourselves and we can connect with that biologically, we have found a truth for our life. This requires us to become more aware and more conscious of all parts of our life. If we sit only at the surface of our life, we will not travel inward through all the parts of our life. To not travel within, is keeping us from truly knowing our self and finding our truth.

What we believe is what we have discovered to this point in our life. Some of the these things will become our foundation to further understanding while some will not. We must never stop searching and growing in our life. We must never stop challenging all we hold sacred so we don't make the error of becoming anything less than human and what we possibly can become.


Blog Post & Images (c) 12/6/10 Don Shetterly - use by permission only

Missed Biological Connections

When a person does not have the biological connection to life, it leaves them in a an altered state. The biological connection of a child to a family is so critical. While there are some parents and families that are so toxic to a child, you can never fully replace your biological family.

If this biological connection is missed early on or if it is severed later in life, there is a gaping whole that little can completely fill. Yes, there are many replacement fillers that one can use to fill the gaping hole, but the whole in one's life will always be there. It affects the mind, body, spirit and emotions in one way or another.

Think of a small child who has grown up without knowing their family. Or the child that was not wanted but later adopted. Even consider a child where a parent is absent at some point in their life due to divorce, separation or death. There is even the point where children and families become separated because of secrets in the family or other events beyond their control including child abuse.

Without these constant and healthy biological connections, a child is forced to view the existence of its world in a much different way. What is normal to that child may be considered anything but normal to others. The child's foundation for viewing everyday existence, is so skewed that even they struggle to find balance and ground in life.

Unfortunately these things take place in our society and our world more often than we may want to admit. These missed biological connections rip apart the fabric of humanity. We as a civilization become less than human. Children grow up being forced to deal with a harsh and difficult world without the necessary building blocks of life. Children are forced to deal with and learn how to create some resemblance of these missed biological connections.

Like others I have met in life, I was one of those children who experienced moments in life where the biological connections were missed. Early in life, my father was sick with contagious hepatitis. I am not sure how old I was but the story told me was that my mom could only visit me in the hospital or my father but not both. For some reason, she chose my father. I was left to be cared for and loved by strangers who were the nurses. While I do not have conscious memory of these events, I saw the effect of it throughout my life. Any separation from my mom was a horrific emotional experience that I could barely manage.

After I was paralyzed and my parents pushed me to the point of cutting off communication, the biological connection that existed was severed once again. This time it never recovered for me and to this day, it remains a painful experience. I have done much to replace the pain but I still feel the effects of these severed connections in life.

I know that for each one of us who have experienced these missing or severed biological connections, life does go on. We find a way to cope and to heal. We do experience life in a different way. While we search to balance what seems normal with what actually is normal, our steps in life may not be easy. Each passing day we find out more about who we are and what we are made of in our life. We grow in ways that are unimaginable to many. In the end, I believe we will more fully understand why our lives were presented with these missed biological connections.

Further Reading:

1) Trauma: Biological Connections

2) Adopted and Abandoned Children

(Above Picture taken at Carrol Rec Center, Carrol, IA - (c) 10/18/10)

Trauma: Biological Connections

When you have lost the most basic biological connections you have in life, everything seems to lack the proper foundation. Many in our world go without these biological connections. I am not referring only to an absent father or a missing parent. This is much deeper than that.

One of those biological connections is to be wanted from birth. To be looked upon as something parents do not want is a recipe for disaster. Even if it is subtle and not intentional, this lack of connection has profound life-long effects. In my case, when I was a baby, my father was sick with a contagious illness. For some unknown reason to me, I was also in the hospital. My mother had to make a choice of either visiting my father or me but because of the contagious illness my father had, she could not visit both of us. For some reason, my mother chose to be near my dad while he recovered. Of course, I was so young that I don't remember the details but to this day, I feel the rejection. It has been a devastating event that has impacted me throughout my life.

Another biological connection I missed was having a father that was not there for me emotionally. My memories of him at an early age was an abusive and angry person. Saying he had a temper would have been a gross understatement. Emotionally he was numb to his own feelings and so there was no way he could connect with anyone in the family. With me being a highly sensitive person, it was a recipe for disaster in my life. My father's idea of emotions was found in his controlling, manipulative and abusive actions we were part of each day of our life.

The ultimate biological connection I missed was to be raped and violated sexually as a child. By the time I was five years old, I was introduced to a world of trauma. The trauma and abuse did not begin to stop until I moved to college. Once my father began to slow down on the daily abuse with me, my older brother picked up the pace. We were taught to hold these secrets within ourselves by reinforcement through physical, verbal and emotional abuse. My body did not know what normal was when it came to touch. Touch had been replaced by trauma. My body only knew that it was being violated at the whim of those who were my caretakers. Instead of showing me love and affection, my caretakers in life were the ones manipulating all that a young child holds sacred in this world. This affected me for many years to come and there is still not a day that goes by where the effects are not felt. The shame and guilt carried as a result of these acts was tremendous.

After I was hospitalized for paralysis, I suffered a harsh treatment from the family giving me the silent treatment. Even though this biological connection had been disrupted before in my life, this time is was permanent. Once again, having a family completely reject you through some of the most hate filled words of a letter was painful beyond imagination. The only way to survive this torment and trauma was cutting off all ties with them. Their silent treatment and manipulation was the final dagger to my heart. By silent treatment, I imply that unless you did as the family expected, you were the outcast. Various forms of the silent treatment were used to bring you back in line, if you did not come to your senses as the family would suggest.

Through each of these severed biological connections, I was forced into a world of trauma and banishment. Not having these connections, stole the foundations of my life from me. While I have worked to build the foundations later in my life, I find that it is extremely difficult. For when these things are missed, it is as if you are putting half baked bricks together without cement in building the walls of your life. There is no way that these walls can stand the test of time.

So with courage, determination and hard work, I have been able to deconstruct some of these walls and begin building up my own walls. It is neither an easy process or a fast one. Missing those biological connections so early in life has clouded my view of what others consider to be normal experiences. I continue to build the walls of my life replacing those missed biological connections with new experiences.

Anyone who has experienced these things in life, knows that the steps to healing are difficult and few really understand the process. In order to survive and grow in life, it becomes a necessary step of healing. The bumps and bruises along the way are painful but each time a block is added to the wall, there is cause for celebration and joy.


(Above Picture taken - (c) 12/05/06)

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