Monday, June 20, 2011

Biological Family Connections

For those that know me, family is a very difficult subject for me in my life. Some days I have wondered how I was born into the family I was. For a long time, I really wondered if somehow I was switched at birth.

Except for my mom, I have very little in common with my family. Yes, we do share some of the biological and upbringing traits but outside of that, my concept of what life is all about seems to be miles apart from those in my family.

I was the middle of three boys born into a family of turmoil and abuse at the hands of my father and continued with my older brother among other various participants in life. Boundaries were nonexistent, lives were controlled and manipulated at home and church, while fear and torment were our closest allies. When my father wasn't screaming at us, my two brothers were going at each other's throats.

While I do remember more than sometimes I really want to remember, much of my past I have blocked out. In 2002, my mom was killed in a car accident and since that time, I really do feel as if I am on my own, separated in life. Because of what my older brother and father did to not only me but to my younger brother, the family bonds are non existent.

Before my Mom died, I had not been able to speak with her for 10 years. My younger brother and I give the appearance that we've been able to talk but we both know that it is nothing more than damaged threads of communication.

There are the relatives that do say hi from time to time and are friendly but of course, they seem like mere strangers that I have faintly become acquainted with. One cousin seems to ignore me for the most part which I am sure is in part due to her religious practices. Other cousins on both sides of the family are ones that I know very little about and if I walked by them tomorrow, I would not even know it.

I know I'm not alone out there as many people have suffered through some horrible family moments in their own lives. Some days it does hurt as I'm sure others will attest to. There seems to be no way to ever replace the biological ties of the family you were born in to when you entered this world. You can do many things to help make up for the losses but that biological family connection is one that cannot be replaced.

Some days, it feels pretty lonely in life and because of some of what I've been through, I fear that others in my life will disappear or leave me or tell me they no longer want anything to do with me. I find it difficult at times in life to wonder if people that I trust really mean well or are they just using me, as it once again reminds me of days gone by where you could trust no one. By trusting no one, I refer to my parents, the baby sitter, the creepy guy in church, my teachers and my family.

I know I have come so many miles in this journey but there are days when it is difficult beyond comprehension. There are days that I question everything and head for my bunker in the ground. I so badly wish that I could sever the biological connections as if they had never been there in the first place. Yet, I know that to do this, I would be claiming the impossible.

Life will continue to go on no matter how difficult my moments get. I seem to have a never ending supply of courage and determination. If only my energy and resolve and confidence could keep up, I would greatly be propelled along in life. In many ways, I don't fully understand all that my journey has for me to walk through but I know or at least I hope I will know that one day as I look back, this will all make sense to me!




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