All my life, I never felt like I fit in with my family. I always felt like the odd person out - the one that did not fit in, the one that didn't belong! I was so sensitive to things and saw things in a different way than my family with the one exception - my mom. She could sense, pick up on things and just know things that weren't visible to the conscious mind. I'm much the same way.
After I left home, I remember obtaining a copy of my birth certificate to see who my actual parents were. For a long time I felt like I was adopted. I felt like I had been born into the wrong family or someone switched me at birth. Really - I did! The birth certificate states my parents are the ones that gave birth to me. And of course, for a long time, I didn't believe it until others started telling me that I did resemble some of the physical features of my parents.
This may all sound odd to question and believe me, I still question it at times. Yes, I know I grew up with these people and I resemble them and I share some of the traits my mom has but in all honesty, I just don't feel like I belong to the family I was born and raised into. Maybe that is for good reason considering all I went through but it is a hard pill for me to swallow.
Several years ago, when I had went through my paralysis and was trying to piece my life back together, I received many hurtful, painful and downright evil letters from my family. It got to a point that I could not even think about going to my mailbox without having an anxiety attacks. These letters came to me for many months and were chastising and demeaning and manipulative.
Things got so bad that it came to a point where I had to just sever all ties with them. I had to totally let go and cut the ties in order for me to survive. My life was a fragile pile of pieces at that point where I was barely getting through my days. With the nightmares that haunted me every hour to the anxiety attacks that came as the wind blew to the fears that overwhelmed me, it was difficult to function. Any outside attacks on me just became more weight that piled on me as if there was no tomorrow. Many times, I wanted to give up. Many times, I tried to give up.
So my choice to stop all communication and contact with my family was out of necessity. It is a decision no one should have to make. No kid should ever have to endure what I went through either. Yet, I have struggled for years because I don't have that family connection. It is a biological connection. It is a basic connection for all humans.
Yes, I've heard many say that you can create your own family and you can make your life into what you want it to be. I know you can do this and I've done a lot of this work already. But at the same time, you cannot replace the biological family connection. It is such a basic function in our biology. Without that biological connection, you face life as if you are on your own. There is no "family" to fall back on and there is no "family" there to support you. You're not able to talk to your family much like others do. It is like a gaping hole within you that no matter what you put in there and no matter how much you try to fill it in, it is still there. It never seems to go away.
Maybe this is how children who are adopted and abandoned feel. I've known some people in my life that were literally tossed in a garbage can on the street and somehow they survived. However, you could see the deep pain of abandonment in their eyes and you could sense how out of step with the world they felt. There are so many children that are born because two adults decide to have sex but when the child comes, they could care less if it exists. The lucky ones find homes where they are loved. The unlucky ones are left to fight and struggle for their existence. And yet, we as a society turn our heads to these things as we close our eyes hoping that these type of situations just don't exist.
Writing all of this really doesn't bring any answers for myself and it really doesn't give me the comfort I need. I long for that biological connection which is now lost forever. Even if I could have it, the connection to the person that hurt me is so toxic, I would not wish a moment alone with them. I continue on in my life, trying to deal with the absence of the biological connection to my family. Maybe at some point in the future, it will lessen more but I can guarantee you that every holiday which comes around, I am reminded in very strong ways that the connection does not exist. If I ever figure out how to completely let go of this part of my life, I'll be sharing it with the world! For now, its a process that continues to unfold.
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