Book Outline: Why Won't This Itching Stop?

I'm putting this out there as it is a book I am about to start writing. While I don't normally let these things out like this, I realize that no one can write this particular book from my story because the facts are only known to me and a couple other people whom I trust.

Like I said - I'm putting this out there - giving the thought to the universe in hopes that it will be published.



BOOK OUTLINE

Goal:
To keep the book focused on my journey through the itching ordeal I suffered giving what happened along the way, the insights, the struggles and how I came through this. My hope is to bring the actual science in from Dr. Canali in what all transpired and how what happens in the physical body is connected to the trauma and opportunity to become more aware of ourselves. I will draw upon my journal entries, emails and blog postings to help put this book together.


Other:
My goal is to keep the book relatively short but packed with personal experience and science. I know there are many suffering from itching conditions and I want this book to offer some help through what they may be facing or at least give them something to consider and think about. This book will not include my entire story / history but enough to explain the ordeal I went through. The entire story is for the next book.


Introduction:
Setting the scene as to what this book is about and why I am writing it.


Chapter 1:
Before the itching, things were moving along pretty well, and then it started in such a subtle way.


Chapter 2:
As the itching picked up, life grew extremely frustrating and almost to the point I could hardly keep going. Sleep issues, nightmares, night sweats, terror. Everything that I tried to get the itching, rashes to stop and all the store bought stuff that failed. Being afraid to venture outside of my 4 walls, not being able to wear many clothes even though it was cold and winter time,


Chapter 3:
Finally going to get work done on me by Dr. Canali and being so afraid that not even he could help me on this. I was petrified that this was going to take me under. Seeing the changes in the first session of the first day. Seeing the hope and possibility. Working through things and having small unconnected images to what was behind everything until the point it finally came together and created the complete image. The emotions through this, the fear of it.


Chapter 4:
Beginning to recover and growing through the fears – how I did this, what helped me and that it was a process.


Chapter 5:
The science behind the ordeal (narrated or written by Dr. Canali )


Chapter 6:
The story that came out of this ordeal of the abuse that this connected with. (Have to deal with what I can state legally as to who the “perps” are without getting turned down for publishing or setting myself up for a lawsuit. An issue I have to deal through in this.”

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

When Life Is Too Busy

I can't keep track of how many times I have heard people say "I'm so busy, I just can't find the time to get everything done". Their days are filled from early morning until late at night where they try to cram in some time to gulp down food, say hi to the family and attempt the act of sleep. The kids are in all kinds of activities or there are meetings to attend or there are long days at the office. It's almost like they need an assistant just to schedule their lives. Does any of this sound familiar?

If you notice any part of this being familiar, you may want to ask yourself why that is the case? If your life has become a runaway train on a track of endless things to get done, maybe it is time to stop, re-evaluate and make changes in your life. Sometimes we have to make hard choices and just because some activity or after school event looks fun and inviting, only so much is good for the body. Only so much can be done in a day and there are only 24 hours to a day, not 30!

Our bodies need rest and they need downtime but if we constantly push them to the limits every day, we're overloading them for no good reason. The constant push and get done mentality, adds a tremendous amount of stress to the body. Without giving ourselves a moment to relax or release all of this stress from deep within ourselves, we are daily traumatizing our life. Yes, you can keep this pace up for some time without major biological ramifications but at some point, your body is going to say "I've had enough!" When it does that, you'll see all kinds of physical symptoms showing up from lack of sleep, tired and sore muscles, back pain, weight gain, high blood pressure and etc, etc, etc. You name it, the condition will show up. Yes, I realize that these conditions can be caused by many other things but repetitive stress without release changes our biology.

For a long time in my life, I worked almost day and night. I had to be the best. I had to be perfect. I could not let anyone down. I had to be everything to everyone. It almost took me under. In fact, there wasn't much left of my life by the time I came to my senses. It took me some long hard and difficult moments to come back to reality and begin understanding what really did matter in life.

Our bodies have so much power and strength built into them and they can withstand a lot of pressure and stress but all too often, we just keep pushing ourselves every day. We don't give ourselves the time we need to relax and let our mind rest or to truly come down and experience a true state of peace within our lives. A day of vacation or a holiday here and there isn't enough to do this. It should be a part of our daily and weekly lives.

So if this blog post fits you, try to stop and evaluate all that you're doing in life. If you have to, take an inventory of how you spend your time and get a good grasp of what is going on. Are you giving yourself time to rest and relax each day, where your mind doesn't necessarily get input and stimulation, but is allowed to just clear out? Are you doing things that maybe they are fun and inviting, but may just be too much and you need to slow down? Are you trying to be there for everyone and anyone associated in your life but you are absent with yourself? Maybe you've turned to stimulants such as coffee or food to get you up and going.

We all need balance in our lives and while too much stimulation can be harmful, too much sedation prevents us from really getting things done. If there is a balance between the two in our day, than we will most likely find more optimal performance for ourselves in life and accomplish much more. I still remember when I was working full time and going to massage school, that my life was about as busy as it gets. However, on Saturday mornings I would go down and do Yoga. Even though it took about 2 hours out of my day, I found that I was able to accomplish much more during the rest of the weekend and absorb more of my school work than if I didn't spend the time doing Yoga.

My hope is that everyone who reads this will give themselves the moments of rest and relaxation they deserve. This way, they can not only give themselves to all those around them in their life, but they can also give their own self what they truly need and desire. For if we don't take care of ourselves, who will?

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Body Memories, Abuse Memories & Trauma Recovery

I know I've been quite vague about what is going on and I'm not sure I'm at the point of writing too much yet. But I'll try to write a little so at least I'm not leaving everyone in the dark.

For the past few months, I have been going through intense itching on my body which of course led to a rash. It included a lot of body memory pains, night terrors, night sweats, and eye sight that was failing me. I have struggled to sleep in the past two months because either I could not shut my eyes for the terror that would hit me or if I got to sleep, I was waking up around 2am or 4 am. Many nights I sat up reading a book until daylight came where I could finally go back to sleep a little. However, the quality of sleep was lacking and so I was walking around as I was half asleep. It got to the point that I was crying at anything, everything and nothing all through the day. I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness that I couldn't shake and it was unlike anything I had ever dealt with before. I was struggling to get myself to eat as I had no appetite. Anxiety was through the roof and my anger levels were in the "rage" category. My mind would not stop racing no matter what I tried to do. I saw deformities in very personal areas of my body and I saw things change on my skin from moment to moment. At one point, I wondered if I had truly gone crazy. Believe me, I tried many things that I know work for me to get through this and nothing seemed to do anything.

Before Christmas, things got real rough and I was able to talk to Dr. Canali at several times which really helped. Right after Christmas, we made a trip to Miami and I had several sessions of work done on me. By the afternoon of the first day down there, I could already see an improvement. A lot came out and at least I went from feeling despair and hopelessness to possibility and hope that I could get through this. It was during one of these days, that I finally slept through a night without waking up. Of course that was short lived but it was a welcomed relief.

Right now, i'm doing better. Many of the physical symptoms have greatly reduced or are going away. Each day, I see an improvement. I'm still waking up at 2am or 4am almost every night. Usually when that happens, I go to my treatment table and do some work on myself which helps me move past it and allows me to fall back to sleep. Last night though, I slept through until 5am and then i struggled to get back to sleep until daylight hit this morning.

Today instead of just itchiness waking me up, it was a burning pain through out every inch of my body that just about drove me insane. My anxiety and anger levels were way up today and I was feeling like I was going back into that deep dark hole that I don't want to be in. So I once again, went to my treatment table and started working on myself with the tools I have to do this. It isn't easy doing it on yourself but we're too far from Miami to just get in the car and drive down at any time. After the work on the table my resting pulse rate dropped from the high 90's into the low 70's using my Finger Pulse Oximeter Octive Tech 300 Pro Pulse Meter to check this

Out of the work I did on myself today, a story emerged that is connecting the dots. I'm not ready to share that at all right now but up until now, all I had been getting was "implicit memory". Implicit memory is basically everything but the story or events - (example: kind of like feeling a car crash without knowing that you were in a car crash). I'm exhausted and wiped out at the moment but maybe now with the story that is emerging to connect the dots, I can finally begin moving beyond this. The itching and pain have already subsided from what they were earlier today. They may kick back up as I process things but I welcome any moments of relief.

I know that through all of this and healing from it, there is so much more waiting for me. I can already see and feel what those things are but right now, the pains are still pretty raw. I didn't ask to remember any of this but it sort of took me head on and I really have had no choice but to work through it (unless I wanted to remain in the physical situation I've been in). At the moment, even though I'm very tired, I can feel a big weight being lifted off of my body. And I do know, that there is a reason for all of this - that's what keeps me going.

Into The Itching, Through The Pain

Into the itching, through the pain and out comes possibility, hope and a new layer of life.

While I'm not back to 100%, things are much better now after some sessions at Evolutionary Healing Institute. While it seemed almost hopeless before going in for the session, by the end of that first day, much had changed. My body was in a hypersensitive state as the implicit memory of some past traumatic event was replaying itself over and over. At this moment, I only have bits and pieces of the traumatic event but that's about all that is in my conscious mind at this moment. The details are too sketchy to make sense of and right now, I'm fine with that.

In the few days since my sessions, my rash has gone down and is not as bothersome as it was. It does flare up but for the most part, it has greatly subsided. I have been able to sleep through most of the night rather than pacing the floors during the darkness of the night. Certain anatomical areas of my body are looking more normal and are not as swollen and deformed. The overall anxiety level has decreased greatly. Itchiness is drastically better than it was but now I'm feeling more of a burning sensation.

One of the things that was happening was that I could not sleep through the night. I would maybe make it until 2am or possibly 3am but that was about it. The night terrors, night sweats and thrashing around in the bed would get so great that I could not remain in bed. It would force me to get up and sit in a lighted room until the sun came up which then I could go back to bed and fall asleep.

Some of the things that I have done in addition to the sessions with Dr. Canali is taking oatmeal baths, using baby powder, sleeping with a night light on and some relaxing music, taking melatonin before I go to bed, taking Vitamin B for stress, using the Natural Calm product before going to bed.

If things pick up in the middle of the night which they still have, I've at least been able to go to my treatment room and do some work on myself. While it isn't easy going into the pain of this by yourself, I have found that if I can do this, than my body is able to drop back down which allows me to go back to sleep.

Through all of this, I'm learning just how much of a nervous system dysregulation itching and rashes are. Before this, I don't think I would have completely agreed and even in the midst of this, my doubts and fears sometimes win out. However, I know for a fact that on the table in my sessions, we are able to reproduce the symptoms of the rash, pain and itching and then we're able to watch it dissipate. If it was purely a physical phenomenon without any origination in the nervous system, than to create the symptoms and dissipate them on the table would not be possible. That is the part I hold on to because as I'm learning, the more I go into the pain (as uncomfortable and horrible as it may be), I am able to move beyond the itching and the pain.

The story behind this is still somewhat unclear and a mystery because right now "implicit memory" is what is showing up. In time, as this finds true healing, the story will most likely appear. But it isn't the story that matters - it is the healing through this deep layer that will give me the greatest awareness and growth in my life. Yes, there is a little boy that was traumatized very badly but as I heal these wounds, it will help me fulfill my life's contract and my life's purpose.

One of these days, I'll sit down and write about all of this in detail. I've been keep a journal of the individual moments to help me. One of the things that I have learned throughout all my healing is to write in a journal in whatever form that takes.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Sleeping With Night Sweats and Fears

Note: Picture from Don Shetterly's, "A Journey Through Words" (used by permission)

For some time, I’ve been dealing with all kinds of physical realities at night. Almost every night when I go to bed, in spite of the room temperature being very cool, I experience an overall feeling of a very warm room. As I often say, the room feels like it is a thousand degrees even though it is not. This is something I have experienced on and off for many years and more off than on. It is a companion to me.

Most of the time, I can manage this and within a short time of going to bed, I can fall asleep with the temperature issues not affecting me to much as I go into the night. Usually by mid night time hours, I will feel somewhat cool as if the room temperature is normal. I’ve always just lived with this and sort of guessed that fear is at the cause of this condition for me.

Going to bed at night is never something I look forward to. It is a must do exercise that in order for me to function the next day, I need to get myself to sleep. Without a night light on in an adjacent room or some type of background noise like a fan, sleeping is almost out of the question. If there is any activity or noise around, there is no way I can sleep. At some points in my life, I have actually had to sleep with every light on in the house.

As I write this, I am so exhausted from lack of sleep over the past week or several days. I have lost count when the last time was that I got decent sleep. Lately, before going to bed, I have been getting dull headaches. And by the time I get ready to get in bed, I’m just wishing there was something else I could do besides subjecting myself to the activity of trying to sleep.

Sometimes I am fortunate enough to fall asleep and then an hour or two later, I am awakened with a startling force. Things such as body memories where I feel like something is being shoved up my anal region, or feeling like I am being pinned down or even feeling like I am being slapped around, hit me with full force. It feels as if there is something in the room attempting to haunt me or just watch my every move. I shake and tremble out of fear as I try to hide within my blankets. I’m on alert as I hear every sound or feel like I notice any movement even if there is nothing I can see with my eyes. I feel like prey being hunted and having to outsmart the predator at every turn. It is as if, one simple mistake would land me in a state of failure succumbing as prey to my predator. My predator is an imaginary creature but one that I seem to know very well.

Out of all of this, my eyes try to close but my mind and thoughts race as if there is no tomorrow. I’m not only constantly evaluating all that is going on around me, but I am working to solve every problem, situation or concern I am facing or may face. Even with breathing exercises or working with the enteric brain energy ball or listening to relaxing music, I am met with an incessant barrage of brain thoughts. I feel like I could compute more calculations than any computer are able to do and yet, my brain never seems to find the right solutions. It just keeps attempting to process the same information over and over as if it is stuck in a loop.

The latest in this round of wartime struggles has been the excessive sweating. From what I can read, night sweats are common in situations where stress is over the top. It can be a result of the nervous system being in a sympathetic state or a state of anxiety. The sweating may start as I go to bed or more commonly, it begins around an hour or two later. Generally, it is my low back and my groin area where it takes place. There have been times, when my bed sheets were soaked from sweat. Keep in mind the room temperature is not warm and even on the coldest of nights, I still go through this. The night sweating wakes me up with severe itching and if I try to ignore it, it attacks me with full strength until I can no longer stand it. I then end up getting into the shower and running water on my groin area with a shower massager in order to find a momentary level of comfort. Due to all of this, I have endured the moments when I begin to scratch myself and while it initially feels good and offers relief, it has become something that is now causing skin issues. Even if I could convince myself that scratching is not in my best interest, my body cries out for relief in any form that scratching becomes as normal as breathing.

The areas affected have changed as the days wear on. What first seemed to be the hot area has not changed and moved on for the most part. Although there are times when the scratching and itchy feeling revert back to where things were in previous days, generally it has moved on to other locations within my groin area. Sometimes in addition to the groin area, I feel an overall itching across my body like little electrical impulses that bounce from one area to the next.

Even though I drink plenty of water throughout my day, I have found myself extremely thirsty at nights when all of this happens. I don’t drink much caffeine at all but if I do, this situation is much worse. After two glasses of water tonight, I am still thirsty which is very strange and odd for me. It is not normal behavior that I experience.

The past few nights, the only thing I could do, in addition to getting in the shower, was to get out of bed and come downstairs. I have found a comforting place in our family room. It provides me some calmness and almost an escape from the predators of the night. The itching usually stops for the most part or reduces down to such a low level that I barely notice it. The sweating stop and I almost feel somewhat cool from the room temperature. If however, I decide to go back upstairs into the dark bedroom, the symptoms come back very quickly.

I feel like I’m at the end of my proverbial rope. I’m not sure how much more of this I can take because these symptoms are draining and exhausting. They have robbed me of precious hours of sleep while leaving me to feel as if I am a zombie. I fear there is some medical condition that gives rise to my early death but that too is fear and anxiety more so than anything founded in reality. Reality is difficult to understand these days because there does not seem to be any relevant reason for the progression of these things to take place. I feel as if my mind is losing the last remnants of sanity or enjoying playing one of the all time greatest tricks on me. I feel as if there is no end in sight, only the torment I feel each and every night. I try to tell myself that this too shall pass and things will get better but the skepticism at hearing this grows exponentially.

Yet, I know that body memories, nightmares and all types of unexplained events have plagued my life in one form or another. They seem more abundant than anything I know. While I know these rough periods of life have moved on and I’ve experienced profound moments of healing, going through these things are beyond the concept of difficult. I know that many of these things are part of a nervous system dysregulation, yet my mind fails to convince my body of that as it is experiencing all of these things. So I am faced once again, with a night of torment, a lack of sleep and unexplainable events. I long for true relief but I long for just a moment of comfort, peace and just some plain sleep.

SHOW ME YOUR FACE!

(c) 5/6/99 Don Shetterly




Where are you, I’m asking?
Why do you hide, your face tonight?
I know you are there
For I feel your surprise
But why, tell me why
Do you hide your face tonight?

I feel so all alone
The pain it comes and goes
Always asking why
Because you are hiding tonight?
Your shadow lurks in the quiet peaceful time
But why do you hide your face tonight?

The pain within me grows
The thoughts have grown so cold
I don’t know where to turn,
Nor do I see your face to burn!
Your presence consumes me
But why do you hide your face tonight?

I can strike the keys
I can raise the band
I can lift the sky
But you still hide from me tonight!
What will it take, how much must I face?
Before you show your face tonight?

Wake up you dreadful thing
I no longer wish you to be my king!
You haunt me all night long
And rob me of my most precious time.
Why can’t you leave?
Why can’t you find another home?

I have struggled for years to reclaim my life
I have fought the good fight
But now I am to tired and weary to fight
Please, I beg you leave me alone
Let me live in peace
And show me your face tonight!


Note: The Image was designed by Tami Donnelly - copyright 5/6/99. All Rights Reserved.

A Word About This Poem:
I first displayed this poem at a Voices (Victims Of Incest Can Emerge Survivors) Conference. The artwork was done by an office colleague of mine and was perfect for the poem. Much has moved forward in my own healing but I still am sometimes (like the current moment) faced with these very same issues. When I wrote this, I was struggling with sleep problems because of the nightmares never allowing my eyes to close. At this moment, I am facing the very same thing. May this poem bring some comfort to you that you are not alone. Others have walked through these very difficult waters.