Thursday, September 23, 2010

Phantom Smells Of Trauma, Onions

“I afraid they will find out”

“I’m afraid they will come after me”

“I’ve been threatened before,” I exclaimed! How dare you tell me this isn’t real? It feels more real than me breathing air at this point. It feels more real than life itself and yet, I’m being told, it isn’t real. Oh come on, how am I supposed to believe that? How can I even begin to accept that? I feel the fear within me. I feel the trembling inside. My body wants to hide. And yet, I’m being told that I am safe and I am okay?

Those thoughts and words were going through my mind yesterday as I had a session with Dr. Canali. My body felt overwhelmed by life and where I thought my pain was originating was really not where it was located. Here for the past week or so, I’ve been feeling pain in my shoulder, my hips and my back. I managed to release much of it on my own but the feelings, the fear, and the emotions were still locked within me. While I wanted to dismiss this and hope it would go away, deep down I knew that this would not happen.

Fear has ruled my life even though I’ve tried to ignore it, minimize it, and run from it. Life knows I’m good at covering things up and running from them. I have gotten so good at this that I cannot even tell when I’m doing it. I’m amazed at how we as humans can live in fear and completely ignore it or act like we are complete strangers.

The session didn’t feel like I had really accomplished much. It was a struggle to just allow myself to trust another person, especially their touch. I could tell at points during the session, my body did come down, let go and relax. Yet, I felt agitated and distant. I felt like I was almost just not present. It was almost like I was floating somewhere in space apart from a physical location although I knew I was there. Going into the night, I felt very out of it. I didn’t feel centered and grounded. I didn’t feel like I was in a place where I wanted to be.

All the way home, I smelled onions. It didn’t matter if I was in the car or I had the windows rolled down or in the hotel room. I just continued to smell onions. The more I smelled the onions, the more I felt angry and agitated. Feeling overwhelmed, I felt almost as if this would just never end. To this day, the slightest smell of onion brings out a nanosecond response by me with anger and disgust and leaves me feeling nauseated. I used to love onions but I can’t stand the smell or sight of them. Eating them will make me violently sick to my stomach. Why? I have no idea! I wish I knew. And somehow, I’ve got a feeling that smelling the onions is somehow connected to the specific work in the stomach that I was doing yesterday in the session with Dr. Canali.

While I didn’t realize my stomach had been in as much pain as it had been in, when I got on the table, it felt like a big lump deep inside. It was painful. It was intensely painful. The slightest touch almost brought me to my knees in tears. I felt an intense sadness there and when I say intense, I mean a very strong feeling. In the sadness, I felt fear. While these things surprised me that they were there, I knew I had touched these feelings and points before. I remember the big black ball of goo that I once came up against in a session from a few years ago. Maybe this is all connected?

Before going to the session, my stomach was physically expanded from my body. It was like I had gained 30 pounds in the past week although I knew that was not the case. My pants felt very tight on me around the waist that morning. I did not even need a belt as my pants are normally a loose on me. When I got home, I noticed that I needed a belt. The tightness around my waist was no longer there. It physically changed in the session. Eating supper last night was much easier than it had been. Lately, I had struggled to eat anything and was resorting to junk food. Whatever we touched in this session really caused a big change in me physical. While I’m not sure what that is, it is helpful to at least see this physical change was possible.

I wish all of this was in clear view and something I could understand. It is not clear at this point. For now, all I can do is stay with all that is going on within me and realize that most likely I have much processing that is taking place within me. It is not a fun place to be and is a little difficult to keep the faith, so to speak. However, I know that I have been in these moments before and I manage to find a way through them. That is all I have to hold on to at the moment. The rest will work itself out, if I don’t stop the process with fears coming up within me. It is not so much about what I could do in this situation as it is about me allowing things to process and change. It is about me allowing myself to go into the fear and let it go. It is about me allowing my thoughts from the old tapes to be replaced. In my allowing, I know I will find peace, comfort and healing.

(Above Picture taken at South Beach, FL - (c) 09/11/10)

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