I was reading about some of this stuff from the minister dude in Atlanta, Georgia (Pastor & Bishop Eddie Long) that is accused of molesting some boys. That in itself makes me want to puke. However, that's not why i'm writing here.
Many of the things that I've been through, sometimes it seems like no one else has ever gone through it, or I just don't often hear about it. And so at times, I fall back into the old tapes that I'm crazy, I've been brainwashed, etc. These are all the things that my family said to me.
There was one part in some of what I read on this current news story about the New Birth Missionary Baptist Church story where the one boy stated (and I'm paraphrasing), "it started out with a neck massage and then led to further things." When I read that, it hit me so hard. It was like the story of someone I never met was validating what I already know has happened to me.
My father used to always have neck, head and back pain. He knew that I had a touch that could do a little back rub on him and he would feel better. I was only a young teenager at the time much like these boys were in this church. The only thing is, that the massages often led to him pulling his pants down and then off into the land of sexual abuse. Writing about this still almost makes me want to go puke right now. And I've moved way beyond so much of this but it still hits me deep.
Its one of the reasons I think that I still struggle to do massage (I am a licensed massage therapist) which I enjoy doing and so many tell me I'm very talented with. I know my touch isn't like many other massage therapists because I sense, feel and pick up things that most don't. Yet, I'm still triggered back to those days of a massage where the the message is so mixed and confused in my mind at times. It is like trying to split the good part of massage from the bad part of massage where my dad molested me. It is like dividing water or so it seems.
But hearing this in the news is tough. I feel for these boys. Like these boys, I too, went through all the justifications of the abuse because of some scripture or interpretation of this being what God wanted my father to do. I ache for these young guys because I know first hand how freaking hard it is to deal with this. The anger within me rises!
While it is rough, I know this is just an opportunity for me to heal further and go deeper into reclaiming all of these things. After all these years of work, it sometimes gets tough. It feels extremely tough and difficult right now but I know I can make it through this - I've already survived much worse!
(Above Picture taken at Fort Lauderdale, FL - (c) 02/15/01)
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